Wednesday, September 07, 2011

AgricMeat: The North Korea of College Football

NOTE: The below post was originally published on 10/25/06.

The Agriculturalists culture, despite being located in the second most populous state, surrounded by cities, universities, and cable, developed (I use the term loosely) seemingly in isolation deprived of the basic expectations of our modern world. This anomaly really has no parallel in American universities and can only be analogized to another aberration of the Post-Enlightenment Age, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

If an average citizen were stopped on the street and asked what comes to mind when I make this statement, "Militaristic, quick to anger, inferiority complex, incomprehensible to most of Western culture, self-aggrandizing and constantly threatening to develop offensive capabilities", there is a good chance, particularly if that person were a college football fan, they would answer the Agrics.

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Is this one parade or two?

The similarities are boundless and I will attempt to summarize the most obvious ones.

DPRK- Not a day goes by that the state-sponsored media isn't attempting to get the attention of the world by announcing they are developing, testing, or firing missiles or nuclear weapons. They believe, despite all evidence to the contrary, that they are a significant participant in the world community.
Agrics-Not a day goes by that Agric alumni, periodicals, and fans, aren't calling for the firing of their head coach. They do this to remind everyone that they expect to be a championship-caliber team, despite not winning it all since FDR's administration, and the current season is an exception to the rule. This is a 67 years and counting tradition.

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Agric's Hummel figurines.

DPRK-They claimed that they tested a nuclear weapon underground and although no one saw it, atmospheric tests seem to indicate a test happened.
Agrics-They are currently 7-1 against mostly mediocre teams that no one saw, but the omnipresent smell of College Station indicates someone did something.

DPRK-Their highest official is there because of his dad and is known for his hair.
Agrics-Their highest official is there because of the former governor and is known for his hair.

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One of these was played by a puppet, the other is a puppet.

DPRK-They are considered the backward, country bumpkins of the Korean Peninsula. South Korea has developed into a vibrant liberal democracy and economic power. Addtionally, South Korea recently hosted the Olympics and World Cup, while North Korea annually throws FamineFest.
Agrics-They are the slow-witted country cousins of the University of Texas. Texas dominates them academically and athletically, despite Agrics accusations of UT being liberal, effete, and French-speaking. Also, Austin plays host to such celebrated events as ACL and SXSW.

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Korean peasants and the Agric's Phi Beta Kappa Society meeting.

DPRK-Has historically eaten certain breeds of dogs.
Agrics-Has historically attempted to breed with dogs, chickens, etc.

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I spared you the collie vibrator.

DPRK-Kim Jong-il is often seen in military garb despite never serving in the military.
Agrics-Many students join the Corps to play and dress like soldiers, despite its membership carrying no military obligation.

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By coincidence both of them were Napoleon Dynamite last year.

DPRK-Political dissidents face a constant threat of torture.
Agrics-Students expressing unpopular views are summarily executed.

DPRK-Believes might makes right and does not believe in the rule of law.
Agrics-Believes might makes right and does not have a law school.

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Incentives for potty training Korean children and Agric freshmen.

DPRK-Willing to go to war over the 38th parallel.
Agrics-Willing to go to war over someone walking on field.

DPRK-Kim Jong-il is said to have collection of over 20,000 movies.
Agrics-Library contains over 20,000 installments of Beetle Bailey.

DPRK-Much to their chagrin fellow communist state Vietnam has joining the World Trade Organization and is beginning to develop economically.
Agrics-Texas Tech has supplanted the Agrics as the large, public (wishing they had a religious affiliation), university with a good football program.

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Success for some is failure for others.

The only question that remains is where does the B fit in? The B has accepted the basic tenets of Western Civilization. They can tend to provincialism and can, in their periodic embraces of fundamentalism, be too eager to adopt extremes like snake handling, prohibition, and virginity. They have a rich history, recently fell on hard times, but have begun to revive their once great civiliztion. Perhaps Japan, who has recently awoken from the economic doldrums of the past decade, would be apt. If I could pick anywhere in the world today,for some reason Nicaragua comes to mind. What's your choice? Remember there are no wrong anwsers.

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Poolside at the SLC.

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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Aggie Douche: Rick Perry

We would like to introduce a new BearMeat segment known as Aggie Douches. Aggie Douches are Aggies whose idiocy, arrogance, ignorance, or sycophancy merits mention on this blog. Some Aggies are actually good people and we can name three right off of the top of our heads: Aggie Sports Blog, Brad of 12th ManChild, and Congressman Chet Edwards, who knows how to bring home the bacon to Waco and College Station (both Bears and Aggies love pork!). Our inaugural Aggie Douche post will start at the top: the Governor of the Mighty State of Texas, Rick Perry.

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Perry and the Governator in Mexico: ┬┐Quien es mas macho?

Let us start off by saying that this is not a partisan blog. We cherish our current president and local boy, Dubya, more than any of his supporters (26% of the nation). His snub of Baylor in favor of SMU for his library was hard to take, but we have forgiven him and moved on. We have openly supported Democrat (gasp!) and Aggie (for shame) Chet Edwards, because of his deep, abiding commitment to Waco, Texas. Our criteria for supporting a politician is what they do for our school and region. For Perry, that means cutting MCC's budget and kicking poor Waco kids off of health insurance. Damn. We had previously brought up Perry's Douche Bag status in a post on Kevin Durant that may be of some interest to our newer readers. We are not angry at him over his hiring of village idiot Ted Nugent to play the minstrel at his re-election gala, in fact, we think that was pretty funny. Kind of an "f*ck you" to the 60% of voters (blacks, Hispanics, blue collar workers, women) who didn't vote for him. However, what caught our attention this time was Burnt Orange Nation's posting of Perry's shameful performance at the 2005 Victory Celebration of the UT National Championship. We almost forgot about that night. It's notable that Rick Perry was a cheer leader (Yell Leader) at Texas A&M, which is presumably entrusted to loyal Ags. The following photo is a typical Perry photo-op with a fellow Aggie.

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Sectarian Strife in Iraq? Gig 'em!

Notice the extended thumb "gig 'em" displayed by both Aggies. What is notable here is that Aggies are proud of their school and are not ashamed to wear their pride on their sleeve regardless of elected status or high-rank in the military. However, we now turn to the photo in question.

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Perry: "When in Rome . . . Hook 'Em Horns!"

For some context, Kay Bailey Hutchison also attended the event, and she was a UT cheerleader in her days as a LongHorny. At the time, she was rumored to be contemplating a bid to unseat Perry as Governor. Her statewide approval rating was in the 70s and his was around 51%. Perhaps he didn't want to be out-Longhorned by Kay Bailey, so he decided to don the burnt orange shirt and give a vigorous "Hook 'em, Horns" to the crowd at DKR/Memorial Stadium. For those Perry apologists out there, you might say, a college football national championship is so unqiue and exceptional, that he was merely displaying state pride by his actions. Really? Where was the Mayor of Austin? Will Wynn is an Aggie alumni as well and was no where to be seen at the event. Perhaps he is actually loyal to his school. Perhaps this second photo might just bring our point home.

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The Great White Panderer

Why does our Governor so openly give the salute to his school's sworn enemy? Perhaps looking at his political instincts will give us a clue. Perry's policies are generated from corporate think-tanks, designed to serve large, multi-national corporations; he has a natural impulse towards the powerful. Since UT has dominated A&M for the majority of his time in Austin (save this past season when Rome fell), it is only natural that a politician who switched political parties when the political winds began to change in the late 1980s would begin to cozy up to his alma mater's detested enemy. Ladies and Gentlemen, we present Governor Rick Perry, an Aggie Douche par excellence.

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"Just Can't Get Enough of These Lovable Longhorns"

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Friday, March 09, 2007

BevoMeat: The Education of Kevin Durant

"Should He Stay or Should He Go?": A Roundtable Discussion

There has been much speculation about whether or not Kevin "Durex" Durant ("Size doesn't determine my position") will jump to the NBA from UT as soon as he is given the chance. BearMeat, the unofficial blog of Baylor University Athletics (as far as we know, the only amateur blog with the fortitude to cover the most depressing program in sports), has a vested interest in Durant leaving collegiate athletics as soon as possible. While Baylor has given the ShortHorns two close games this year, the longer KD stays in the People's Republic of Austin, the more misery Wacoans must suffer. This we cannot endure. However, in the interests of promoting scholarly discussion (this is essentially a blog about higher education), we have asked four panelists to each have their say about Durant's Choice. For background reading to this discussion, you may want to see BearMeat's previous work on How To Stop Kevin Durant and Kevin Durant as The Messiah. The panel includes David Stern, NBA Autocrat-Extrodinaire; Rick Barnes, ShortHorns Coach and Unvanquished Foe of The B; Rick Perry, Longest Serving Governor in Texas History; and myself, Red Andrews, Dead President of Baylor and BearMeat Senior Editor. In the words of Hillary, "Let the Conversation Begin."

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Durant: "He that believeth in me shall not perish, but have everlasting life."

Barnes: Four Years at UT Pays in Character, Knowledge, and Growth

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Kevin, my boy, you don't want to be too hasty with your jump to the ranks of professional athletes. Let the sad story of Sebastian Telfair be a cautionary tale for over-eagerness to go pro. Staying here in Austin pays in ways that are hard to calculate when you are 18 years old. First of all a world-class education at the University of Texas at Austin cannot be duplicated elsewhere. As Cronkite says, "What starts here changes the world." This university and this city are two truly unique places on this Earth. The lessons you take with you for the rest of your life will be manifold. Knowledge, commitment, moral character, and skill development are just a few of the many intangible things that you will gain as a result of playing for Texas for four years. School is not to be taken for granted. Sure, you will make plenty of money if you declare for the draft, but we give you something else: a college education.

And if you don't buy that, think of this: UT has plenty of horny white women at your disposal. While the NBA has plenty of "groupies" none can match our Longhornies in purity, caucasianity, and girls-gone-wildness. Think on that, my son.

Stern: The NBA Pays in American Dollars

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Unlike that load of BS Barnes just unloaded on you, Kevin, the NBA can promise you the ultimate tangible payment: currency. We will pay you in cash if you like. LeBron signed a $100 mil shoe deal when he was still eating at the high school cafeteria for lunch. As soon as you declare for the draft, all of your wildest dreams can come true. We know you like Lil' Wayne and Spongebob Squarepants - well, with NBA money you can buy and sell both of them as you like. We know you love your mom. Well with NBA money, you can buy as many moms as you want. With your salary, your endorsements, and your bonuses, you stand to make that green as soon as you declare for that draft. All you have to do is set up a press conference and announce it. One sentence is all it takes. Come on, Kevin. What's the point of college if not to make money. You have played your required year of college hoops and now its time to make money. Why risk an injury on the first game of your sophomore season, when you can be injured your first game as a pro and have millions to retire with? The 19 Year Old Requirement Rule that I established was to maximize the NBA's earnings from high school phenoms by giving them a year of college hype and familiarizing sports fans with the players as a product. In your case it has worked to a T. Now, come on over to the NBA and let's make some damn money together.

Also, NBA groupies are disease free, per my executive order, and can do things that no Longhorny could ever dream of doing. Just ask Wilt, Magic, Worthy, and Kemp. NBA poonanie is unmatched, even by European soccer standards.

Perry: I'm Initiating Legislation That Will Keep KD in Austin

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Things are getting a little hot right now for me, Kevin. My mandated HPV shots for teenage girls policy seems to be alienating everyone, especially after the revelation that Merck employes my former chief of staff and has made significant donations to my campaigns. Everyone thinks I'm just a haircut with an elected office. Apparently I'm not conservative enough to the paleo-conservatives and I'm not moderate enough for the rest of the state. Now everyone thinks I'm not ethical enough. This is BS. When I finish out my term I will be the longest serving governor in Texas history, at 10 consecutive years. I am a former A&M cheerleader, a bomber pilot, and a rancher. Doesn't that count for anything?

Regardless, Kevin, I'm not very popular in ATX right now. That's where you come in. I need you to continue distracting the state from my plummeting policies. Please stay for the duration of my term as governor and I will reward you with a cushy job in a Big Pharma company when you graduate. What's that you say? You have post-collegiate plans? Fine with me. I just need you to stay. This can happen one of two ways. You can willingly stay and play for UT by your own free will, or I will compel you with either another of my dreaded executive orders or pending legislation. Likewise, the judiciary which is now 80% Perry appointees may issue a few injunctions compeling you to play for t.u. (damn teasips, gig e'm!). Either way, KD, the writing is on the wall. As a GOP VP hopefull in '08, staying here may be a very good move for you politically, as I can guarantee that when you go pro, all of your products make it to markets currently under embargo, like N. Korea, Cuba and Iran. Also, do you like Chuck Norris? Sure, all the college kids do. They think he is the most ironically cool guy in the galaxy. Well, did you know that he endorsed me in '06. That's right. I can arrange a meeting between you and Norris. Just say the word and I can make that happen for you. All you need to do is keep playing here in Austin to deflect attention from my problems right now. Thanks, brother.

Andrews: Rick Perry is a Douche Bag

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Don't listen to the Ricks (Barnes and Gov Mofo), KD. Go pro immediately. In fact, don't bother playing Baylor tonight. Fake an injury and wait out the draft. No need to pull a Carmelo Anthony at Syracuse this March - too risky. You need to thank God you aren't injured and wait for the money to start pouring in. Why bother risking anything against Baylor. Tell Barnes you think you have SARS and go watch the game from Buffalo Wild Wings on 6th Street, accompanied by some tasty arm candy. Do it now. Every game you play against Baylor is another game that you are losing money. You should be trouncing the Raptors right now, not the Gentlemen Bears. Every time you leave your feet for a dunk over Josh Lomers and Mamdou Diene, you are risking what could be the first billion dollar athlete's future. Do you really want to stay at UT? It's hot down here in Central Texas and you aren't being paid. Enough said? No. Well, how about this: at UT you are a slave! In the NBA you are a master! Only slaves work for free when they could be getting paid out in the free market. David Stern has artificially created one year of slavery for about 5-10 American citizens per year. It isn't fair. Why extend this period of peonage any longer? There is no sense in it. Don't believe all that "need to get your college degree" talk. That's white, middle class logic, with no real application to NBA superstars-to-be. Go out there, get yours, and don't consider staying one more second than you have to at UT.

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Saturday, February 24, 2007

AgricMeat: Live Bloggin'...Q&A with Pat and Judge!

Pat Neffistopheles: Welcome folks. I got the wood burning stove fired up. Now we can watch cable and post BearMeat jerky for you to chew on. It's halftime so let's get this Q&A started. Hello Judge, tell me your state of mind after this first half. How do the Gentlemen Bears make you feel right now? Strengths? Weaknesses? Tingle in the crotch? Acie Law penis envy? Joe Jones' head? It's like an upright watermelon, right?

Judge Baylor: In order they were presented: ennui, so far Lomers and Shepherd have played hard and our guards have surprisingly taken the ball to the hole, free throw shooting, more of an itch, Law is a gamer, Jones' head is bigger than any watermelon I've seen.

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Gig 'em, Joseph Jones!

PN: Yeah, I agree. It's more of a watermelon/spaghetti squash hybrid. Judge, tell me. When we win the Big XII tournament what seed will Baylor get in the Big Dance? What do you think Red is up to right now? Apparently he had a long night with our new "alternative" Intern last night. Red told her he photographs for the Suicide Girls on the side.

JB: I'm guessing we couldn't get higher than a 15th seed or they would make us do the play-in game of 64 vs 65. Red is currently organizing his D&D Club's first Six Flags road trip. Either that or he is playing with his Civil War action figures.

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Sic 'em, Josh Lomers!

PN: According to the ESPN+ commentator the Bears look like one of the best teams in the country if you take the Baylor name off the jersey. What do you think he is high on? Didn't see Rick Perry. Is he giving an Agric yell leader that good ol' Loius Armstrong underneath the bleachers? Does he have HPV?

JB: He's probably been drinking some of your gummi berry juice, aka Dr. Pepper with a dash of Agent Orange. I am sure Perry is too busy governing the state to go to college basketball games. Don't you have to have sex to get a STD?

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We may be mean and dispirited, but we still believe!

PN: Ok, we gotta go for now. We'll be back after the game for little more discussion. 12 point lead now for the Agrics with 12:39 left. The Judge is now depressed and despondent. Expect a scathing comment on the G-Bears and Coach "Down Syndrome" Drew if we keep missing our free throws and lose by double digits. The Sonic guy rejecting the tater tot has more talent than our front court.

Sic 'em Bears!

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