Sunday, November 04, 2007

Bear vs. Pirate, Part 2: Swashbuckled!

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The Pirate Hordes Descend on Waco

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rebel Yell! The Pirates of Lubbock sailed into town, raping and pillaging all that they encountered. The Homecoming game was a sight that makes eyes sore. A real spread offense apparently is much better against a cheap simulacrum of a spread offense. Regardless, we promised not to discuss what occurred on the field, thanks to an ongoing gag order from the 54th District Court of McLennan County. So instead, we present our WacoTrib Gameday Photo Gallery Pics of the Game! (Because, really, captioning photos is probably what we do best . . . since it's what we do most.)

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GuyMo: "Our women are not safe around these pirates!"

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Blyzzle: "Shiver me timbers . . . these be REAL pirates."

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Boo Pirates . . . Hooray Beer!, uh, I mean, Bears!

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The Dread Pirate Leach

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Crab + Tree = Heisman?

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Pirate Cheerleaders: Nature's Viagra

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Pirate MILFs: Like a fine wine . . .

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. . . lest we forget why we love Baylor so much

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Saturday, November 03, 2007

Homecoming Festivities: Brock = BearMeat

Where two or three are gathered together in Baylor's name, there Brock is in the midst of them. - Matt. 18:20, New King Brock Version


Thanks to the excellent photo journalism of the WacoTrib, we are pleased to present a few select photos from their Bonfire gallery and Homecoming parade gallery. Guess what? We've got photos of Brock. Would you expect anything less from a blog of this caliber? Of course not. Sic 'em, Bears and here's to covering the spread against Tech.

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Brock vs. Bruiser: Quien es mas macho?


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Brock's Posse: 2 Legit 2 Quit

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GuyMo: The Last "Sic 'em"

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"Is that Courtney Paris?" "Nah, just a float, dude."

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Lilley's annual alms for the poor

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Gunder Thorson cares for The Good Judge's pup

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What is this supposed to mean?

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Homecoming Magic: A Parade Proposal

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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Bear vs. Pirate, Part 1: The DiscoTech! Chronicles

[The following is a free-ranging conversation between Red Andrews, the Senior Editor of the BearMeat Editorial Board, and Bond J. Bond, blogger-extraordinaire, from DiscoTech! Thanks to their shared sensibilities, they had much to discuss about our schools and the upcoming game between Baylor and Tech. Very little football was discussed. All images provided by DiscoTech!'s Big Book of Tech Hotties. - Eds.]


The Ladies

Red:
For all its many faults, you really can't blame Baylor for having an incredible endowment of white poontang. With nearly 60% female undergraduates, Baylor men have excellent odds of leaving WacoU with a hot wife, or at least a sporting chance at a three-way. The dating culture here is bi-polar as hell: either hook-up or get engaged. There isn't much in-between. Not a lot of friends-with-benefits or casual dating relationships. Usually either courtship or drunken coitus are your two options. However, the women are spectacularly beautiful, and in spite of what you might think, it isn’t too hard to land one in the sack - just as long as you promise to take them to church the next day. I imagine Tech girls to be a lot easier to get to know Biblically, and a lot less inhibited, when you really get to know them. "Getting your guns up" probably has all sorts of meanings in that respect. If the photos posted on DiscoTech! are any indication, Tech has an endowment in hotties that rivals that of The B.

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Tech Beauties: Finger-Lickin' Good


Bond:
As we've illustrated in our yearbook posts, the campus has long been littered with the broken hearts of morally weak men...it's by no means a function of what any one person or group of people did to cause it -it's just a dominant trait in the school's genetic code. When I first arrived at Tech I was in a veritable Candyland - it would be similar to taking Coach Mangino to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Palace. I would say that while I was at Tech your ability to hook up with a Greek girl was directly correlated to whether or not you were Greek. Although, even in the short time I was there the "status" of Greek life was beginning to fade as the PC/anti-hazing crowd was moving quickly to eradicate any semblance of Southern Greek tradition. Most of the girls at Tech were promiscuous and were happily "yours" as long as you promised to take them to the Midnight Rodeo on Thursday night so they could find a new hook-up.


Whiskey Drinkin'


Red:

Thanks to a long tradition of off-campus drinking since the 1950s, Baylor is surprisingly like many state schools in the amount of keggers, frat parties (Edward 40-Hands comes to mind), and jello shootings at local bars. While we are Baptists (at least half of us are) and come from a teetotaling tradition, the flip side is that there is a unacknowledged, but un-checked culture of tailgating, boozin' and wasting away again in Margaritaville. It sure would be nice to have a bar in the student union, like at UT, but we take what they give us and Waco is a very easy place to drink if you are underage and adventurous. You can drink in the public parks here and can buy alcohol at H-E-B until midnight and at the bars until 2am. I've heard some horror stories about Lubbock being pretty dry. Are y'all still able to get the necessary provisions for making the right type of bad decisions?

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Tech Cheerleaders Know How To Party


Bond:
Some would say the bad decisions started the day we "committed" to go to Tech. Tech is strict about not having any alcohol on campus. So, no bar in the UCor University Center which would be the same as your Student Union ("Student Union" is so Labor Party). That's no biggie, though because all you have to do is cross four lanes of traffic and a median across University Ave and you have your choice of cirrhosis delivery tools. The dorms also make every effort to keep the premises alcohol free. At some point though, the University has to trust that the Resident Assistant on your floor is also a good policeman. But when your RA is loaning you his dolly to bring kegs up the stairwell and fronting you the keg deposit -let's just say your freshman year is all about seeing how high you can get your alcohol tolerance. And the Strip is only a few miles out of town - and while there's something to be said for the neighborhood package store, I gotta tell you – walking into Bob's warehouse of unlimited alcoholic delights is an outstanding Vegas-like experience.

Aggies


Red:
One thing we both have in common is our mutual hatred for those Ags. I'm not sure why you Techies hate them so much, but for us, its kinda like the Hatfields and McCoys. We've been playing them since 1899 and they just haven't grown on us since then. A brawl in the stands in the 1920s led to a dead Aggie, which suspended our "rivalry" for 5 years and relations haven't improved much since then. Something about their ridiculous traditions, hatred of knowledge, and overall belligerence just rubs us the wrong way. Who in their right mind would want to attend a school so backward in so many ways? We wish we had the record y'all have had against the Ags recently. It sure must feel good to take it to those chumps.

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Texas Coeds Gone Wild!


Bond:
I think we join the general population of America when it comes to bagging on Aggies. Going to college should be that time in your life when you're exposed to different ideas, thoughts and experiences. You're free to confirm your beliefs or to change your mind at any time. Aggies seem to revel in their perceived superiority and the fact that their traditions border on Jonestownian doesn't seem to register in their closed mind. I think that the modern generation of Raiders thoughts about the Aggies were confirmed when they broke the leg of Rodney Allison on 1977. I have posted pics from our yearbook that reveal that the Aggies were defacing school monuments as early as 1969, though. Aggies have some to the DiscoTech! and said "All you talk about is the Aggies - every post is about us." This reveals three things about them in my opinion:
1. Megalomania
2. They need an abacus or something
3. They continue to make themselves easy targets.

GuyMo vs. Mike "The Pirate" Leach


Red:
Leach is a badass pirate sent by the football gods to give endless material to bloggers and West Texans. I would give my first born son for Leach to coach at Baylor. Right now our basketball coach, Scott Drew, could probably have squeaked out a conference win this season, and he's never won a road game in four years at the B. GuyMo is on his way out and everyone knows it. He showed us that we could muster a win or three in conference, but not much else. Its time for us to move in another direction – Mike Singletary, maybe. Perhaps we could convince that defensive coordinator at Alabama to come coach for us - wait, that's Kevin Steele. Dammit.

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Good Things Come in Threes

Bond:
Do you really grasp the comedy that would be Coach Leach in Waco?!? First, he's a Mormon. He's as much admitted that he has religious discipline issues, so I don't think he's made it to sacred sanitary napkin status. Rumors used to be quite persistent that he was a drunk - although I think those have died down as people realize that he just talks that way all the time. He absolutely LOVES the press, especially when it's about him - so being as close as you are to Austin and DFW would only allow him more outlets/opportunities to be on YouTube. With Scott Drew in the same building - there could be some really lively religious topics discussed between those two. As we've mentioned on the blog we're just confused. We've come to expect certain things and have become victims of our own success. Coach Leach has elevated the program's status and the team hasn't delivered. We hold out hope that the youth of the team will serve us well next year and that maybe we can get a "name" defensive coordinator during the spring. Kevin Steele you say? Hmmmm. No thanks. We are glad that we have found our interweb doppelganger in BearMeat and raise a tumbler of Woodford Reserve on the rocks, unsullied by cola products, to you. Cheers.

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Tuesday, October 09, 2007

BearMeat: The #4 Texas Tech Blog on the Internet

Yeah, so we've basically been obsessed with three awesome Tech blogs these past few days. You know when you are dating someone who you know you aren't going to end up with, you fantasize about what it would be like to be with other better people. That is the feeling that we here at BearMeat have about Texas Technical Institute of Technology. The Red Raiders are the model for what Baylor's offense aspires to be. Similarly, the Tech blogs, Double-T Nation, DiscoTech! and Classless Clowns are what BearMeat would look like if GuyMo could win a conference game this year. Thanks to their coverage, we have been introduced to some awesome stuff. This first clip is what merited Techtards the nickname "Classless Clowns." After Tech's 12-0 victory over Ass & Mule in 2002, the Lubbock fans tore down the goalposts and proceeded to hoist it into the A&M fan section. Apparently many fistfights ensued. Awesome.


Jousting. Tech-Style.

This next clip introduces the Aggie Segway. Its a bit low-tech, but pretty damn funny nonetheless.



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Tuesday, February 27, 2007

RaiderMeat: The Sand Aggies

[What follows is a recipe for how to make Texas Technical College RaiderMeatLoaf. Follow these simple instructions and you will have a delicious dish perfect for any occasion, especially coaching resignation parties. - Eds.]

1. Pour one bottle of O'Douls into a mixing bowl. As a semi-dry city, Lubbock, has a strange relationship with the demon rum. We of the BearMeat Editorial Board can think of no place more undesirable to attend school than one where there are 28,000+ horny undergrads and not a drop to drink. While the municipal government is making great strides to join the modern world in this arena, the fact remains that alcohol in Lubbock is heavily-regulated. Not what you'd expect from such free market devotees. Take it, Wikipedia:




Lubbock County and the City of Lubbock have an unusual legal situation regarding the sale of alcoholic beverages. The county allows package sales but not "by the drink" sales except at private institutions such as country clubs. Inside the Lubbock city limits, the situation is reversed with restaurants and bars able to serve alcohol but liquor stores forbidden. Lubbock remained legally dry until an election on April 9, 1972, made liquor by the drink, but not package sales, legal, and Lubbock abandoned its distinction as the largest dry city in the country.[5] A privately owned conglomeration of liquor stores (the "strip") is located just outside of the city limit on U.S. Highway 87. On November 21, 2006, the Lubbock City Council voted 5-1 to annex "the strip", making package alcohol sales legal within the city limits. There exist, however, significant barriers to entry for stores outside "the strip" area to sell packaged alcohol. The new annexation will contribute a sales tax of 1.5%, or 10 cents for every 7 dollars, to the city. Due to state law, liquor sales will be limited to the newly annexed area.

That is what we at BearMeat refer to as a Byzantine alcohol distribution law.


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O'Douls: When In Lubbock . . .



2. Next, mix in a handful of sand. In West Texas, most cities are artificially created and sustained, as there is no life-giving river, like the Brazos de Dios, to bring together a natural human settlement. No, the West Texas project is all about carving an unnatural existence out of a geographical wasteland for the harvesting of mineral resources. As fun and hot as the rest of Texas is, the thought of spending day after day in the stifling desert heat, with no alcohol, in a county that refuses to distribute prophylactics, one can see how quickly things can turn ugly.

3. Next, two cups of inferiority complex and spoonful of ignorance. Like their East Texas counterpart, the Sand Aggies, sure do have a big chip on their shoulder. Nothing says penis envy like "Get Your Guns Up." Also, like A&M, Tech has a white man as their mascot. Instead of a chesty corpsman, here in Lubbock the mascot is an Anglo Zorro who goes by the name Masked Rider, aka Ghost Rider, and not to be confused with Raider Red, aka Yosemite Sam on a horse. If only this tradition didn't result in so many equine fatalities.



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"Get Your Guns Up" Was Scrapped as Levitra's Slogan



4. Next, mix a heaping spoonful of dry humor and a pinch of sarcasm. Like other conservative TX schools, Tech has its discontents, some of whom even have a satirical paper. Like the Texas Travesty at t.u. (I'm beginning to sound like an Aggie myself!), or The Rope at the B, the Perversity brings the noise and the funk to a white-bread, sanctimonious, and way too sober university. Now that is something we can relate to. However, we must quibble with their lack of anonymity. Being anonymous is perhaps the greatest freedom of all: freedom from responsibility.

5. Finally, add a few thighs of white meat. The White Women at Tech are just the kind of girls that we here at BearMeat prefer: internalized patriarchal, sexually permissive, status-obsessed, ambitious, and unabashedly superficial. These are the type of women that make up 85% of our 2007 Intern Roster. They take a lickin' and keep on tickin'. Thank you, Sand Aggies, for creating a habitat where this increasingly rare species can flourish without threat from the modern world.



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White Women: The Other White Meat



This dish is sure to please any connoisseur of fine desert foods. Best if served hot, with ice tea, and a helping of moralism.

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Monday, February 26, 2007

RaiderMeat: "You'll Love Your New Home, Grandpa"

[There comes a time in every senior citizen's life when they must decide when to move into an assisted-living facility. This is a difficult decision that is often made for our nation's elderly by their own children. When grandma and grandpa can no longer live on their own, concerned family members and friends step in and suggest that they move into a managed-care residence. This is precisely what BearMeat would like to do for Bobby Knight. What follows is a letter to Mr. Knight on behalf of concerned college basketball fans and well-wishers, who have only his best interest in mind. - Eds.]

Dear Mr. Knight:

Greetings. We write this letter today to persuade you that continuing to coach at Texas Technical College is harming your reputation, your legacy, and your health. When at Indiana, you led the Hoosiers to three championships, countless Final Fours, yearly tourney berths, and more respect and fear from opponents than any coach has ever received. After three decades of dutiful service to IU, you left that school under a cloud of controversy and the early onset of dementia. We know as well as you that West Texas is a climate and culture much more suited to a temperment like yours and that older individuals enjoy states with warm temperatures, traditional values, and no income taxes. You seem content here and we are happy that the unique culture of West Texas has embraced you as one of their own.


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Anger. Paranoia. Dementia. Lubbock.



However, now that you have netted your 880th career win and having nothing to look forward to besides more early exits from the Big Dance, we of the BearMeat Editorial Board strongly urge you to consider retiring from coaching. We know that coaching is your life, but if you consider that you lost to Baylor University this year at the Colin Ferrell Center, one year after being restrained by Baylor police from attacking a student heckler, you might begin to see that you are perceived as a coach in decline. Your opinions on the silliness of the three pointer and the specter of one-year freshman phenoms show just how cantankerous you have become. Your difficulties with certain Tech administrators is a pattern that has continued uninterrupted since your final days as a Hoosier.


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The General: "The World Has Turned And Left Me Here."




Why don't you do the sporting world a favor and hang up your bull-whip now before Baylor takes the last shred of your dignity by ending the Scott Drew Three-Year Road Losing Streak with a victory in Lubbock. We three ghosts of the BearMeat Editorial Board are also men of a more noble era. We understand that your principles can never be compromised. You are a man of honor; a champion; a General. However, like Brutus of old, there comes a time when the most noble thing to do is to fall on one's sword rather than suffer defeat at the hands of an unworthy opponent. Baylor is such an opponent. Two losses in one season to this International Three Point Carnival is beneath you. The grumblings you will hear following such a defeat will be from the Regents of Texas Institute of Technology as they consider removing your head and sending it to the BearMeat Editorial Offices in the ALICO building for safekeeping to go with our collection.


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It's Okay, Grandpa, Matlock Will Be on Again at 7:30



We write this out of sympathy, compassion, and a deep commitment to the rights of the elderly.

Good day and God bless,

Red Andrews
Senior Editor, BearMeat

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Saturday, February 24, 2007

RaiderMeat: The Old King in the Desert, A Fairytale

[In the aftermath of the Gentlemen Bears crushing defeat (moral victory!) to Texas Ass & Mule, we turn our focus to the last road game of the season, which will be an important game for Scott Drew. Why? Not only is his record-breaking road loss streak on the line, but so is the BearMeat Editorial Board's endorsement. The Board has been interviewing potential candidates for head coach of the men's squad, and so far we are leaning towards Mulk, who assures us that she can handle running both teams. This game against the Texas Institute of Technology es muy importante. So we will assist the Gentlemen Bears by denigrating the Techies' legendary head coach with this simple fairytale. - Eds.]



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The Old King in the Desert



My Kingdom for a Horse

Once upon a time there lived in the desert an angry old king who found himself at war with the world. The old king was renowned throughout the land as one of the greatest monarchs of all time, but in spite of this acclaim, he was a very disturbed person. He had come to the desert to rule over a people in a one-mule town after he was dethroned in his own kingdom. In his previous kingdom, the old man had won laurels, conquests, and victories; more than had ever been seen in that land before. Yet when the old king began to lose his touch and began acting like a tyrant, he was deposed in a coup d'etat. The reasons for the coup were the old king's disrespect of his soldiers, priests, judges, servants, and the very people who controlled the treasury. His behavior had gone from mildly eccentric to moraly loathsome.


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The Young King Enraged

Into the Desert

So, in to the desert the old king went, leaving behind his old kingdom and re-establishing his reign among a people who had never tasted of the glory that the king had taken for granted. The desert exile lasted over five years and the old king had nearly nothing to show for his time in the wilderness except for more scandal, violence and indignities. In the dead of winter this past year, the old man had acquired more victories in battle than any king ever before. A few days later, a defeat to Baptist hordes known for their timidity in battle demonstrated how far the mighty king had fallen. When the rematch approached, the Baptist king dispatched three of his most trusted advisers to negotiate with and minister to the aging king.

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3 Wisemen: The Governor, The Judge, and The President


Enter the Three Wisemen

The President, the Judge, and the Governor were no strangers to suffering and shame. As warrior-poets residing in the kingdom since ancient of days, the three men were long-acquainted with pathos. They had personally seen hopes dashed at the highest levels of combat and had witnessed the pathetic spectacle of the last flicker of life extinguished by a less-than-worthy opponent. In the desert, the old king had taken to dwelling in caves outside of the city, so that he could reflect on the glories and tragedies of his past. He had of late taken to weeping and self-flagelation for days on end. Knowing this, the three wisemen journeyed westward into the desert, far from the lush oasis of their river valley home. Upon arriving on the backs of donkeys, carrying enough libations for several journeys of similar length, the men dismounted their beasts of burden and entered the cave of the old king. They found him there clad in sackcloth and ashes, screaming at passersby and weeping openly.

"Your majesty," the President bellowed into the cave, "We are the three wisemen of the BearMeat Editorial Board. We have been sent to speak with you by the king of the Baptist hordes."

"Go away," the old king replied, and hurled his feces towards the wisemen.

"We mean you no harm, old man," the Judge offered, "we only have a proposition to discuss with you."

"What ever do you want? Can't you see that I fear neither God nor Man?" answered the old king. "What could you possibly offer me?"


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A Legend in Decline


"We have a proposal for you that we think you would be wise to heed, dear king," the Governor volunteered, "Since your armies were humiliated by our Baptist hordes and you have achieved all that you can possibly desire within your lifetime, we ask that you entertain falling on your sword and letting us bring your bloated, silver-haired cranium back to our fertile land with us. You would be able to retain your dignity and preserve your honor without suffering yet another humiliating loss to a traveling carnival of foreign minstrels who delight in illogical strategy and difficult combat techniques."

"Never," the king indignantly responded, "I could never surrender before battle."

"Please, good king, be reasonable. We already have a collection of heads that would make any sultan envious. The heads of your colleagues and former monarchs Quin Snyder, Melvin Watkins, Ricardo Patton, and even Doc Sadler, rest upon our mantle in our hunting lodge. Consider the advantages to willingly giving your head to us now, rather than having a constable retrieve it with a court order," the President reasoned.

"Victory or Death!" shouted the king, brandishing a pocket knife in the direction of the wisemen.

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The Old King Still Had a Fiery Soul



"You have made your decision, king," the Judge warned, "but we caution you to think of your family and your reputation. Good day."

And with that, the three wisemen returned to their rich and fertile land. Upon returning, the men dismounted and began raising an army to lay seige to the old king's fortress and collect his head following victory.

So it was in this manner that a stubborn old king refused to exit the world's stage with grace and dignity, but instead chose a most pathetic end.

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An Honorable Exit is Always Preferred

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Monday, February 12, 2007

Around the Quad: South Park Extravaganza!

At the first annual BearMeat sub sandwich eating contest, many things were revealed about who we are and what we do. Apparently we are a bunch of chauvinist chumps who enjoy exchanging silly stories about sordid "romantic" encounters and joking about mistakenly swallowing "the berry." While our coverage of this weekend's BU Sports was, in the words of the Good Judge, "piss poor," we were feeling quite proud of ourselves, regardless. So, we present "Around The Quad," with a weekend full of memories under our belt and a basket full of hope for the Tourney.

1. New Oso Amigos. We want to welcome two special Big12 blogs to the BearMeat Alliance: 1) a Texas Tech blog that goes by the name Double-T Nation. (Insert mammary joke here) It's hard for West Texans to communicate with those who don't live in the land that God forgot, but they sure do the best they can. Get your guns up, Double-T. Get 'em up! and 2) another Oklahoma blog with a cool logo - Crimson and Cream Machine! The Sports Blog Nation is truly ushering in the sports blogapalypse; be warned - the end is near.

And finally, for a lively, rage-driven perspective, we would urge you turn to the Bayloriffic ramblings of William Douglas Cheek, B.A. (aka "The Cheek") over at TCF: The Cheek Factor.
Be looking for a guest post from The Cheek in coming weeks.

2. Nuestro Amigo Mejor - Burnt Orange Nation. We here at BearMeat are truly indebted to Peter Bean & Co. at BON for their support of our fledgling blog. They have linked to us more times than we can count, and we are more than happy to entertain half-educated Shorthorns. This past fall BON featured a hilarious post comparing the Big12 schools to SouthPark characters and then did a follow-up piece following the football season. Great stuff.

3. La Familia Phillips. We guarantee that we will get to covering the fact that Wade Phillips's son is on GuyMo's coaching staff and promise to explore all the connections and humor value in that story. Until an anonymous commenter tipped us off, we were unaware that either of these men existed. Apparently, there is quite a Phillips Dynasty (Bum-Wade-Wes) which has left its imprint on TX Pigskin. Watch out for BearMeat's campaign to get Wes the head coach job with the Texans. Viva la familia Phillips! Thanks, loyal BearMeat readers, for keeping us on our toes. Gracias.

4. Thanks to BearMeat Pastry Chef and Master Baker, JGK, for baking us a delicious BearMeat-logoed cake to celebrate our epic sandwich-eating contest.

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Pat Ate The Piece With the Dingleberry In It,
Which Meant He Had to Do the Dishes

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Sunday, January 14, 2007

Knight Cometh: The Gentlemen Bears Victorious

[A post just for our dear blogging professor]

While the Lady Bears suffer to the Ags . . .

The BearMeat Editorial Board hosted a "Take Your Illegitimate Daughter to the Game" Party for the Tech v. BU game on Saturday, which went very well. Apparently, when Baylor wins, it has a calming effect on their deviance. To see a coaching legend, like Mr. Knight, come into the Will Ferrell Center and suffer humiliation at the hands of a basketball team that looks like it was assembled by Angelina Jolie and taught to play by Robert Horry almost brought a collective tear to our eye. To see such frailty in the coaching ranks brought down by the youthful, insurgent Scott Drew reminded us that even Caesar himself was not immortal, but was slain by younger, ambitious men.

Brutus: An Honorable Man? Discuss.

Yes, this victory portends great things for our program, but more than that signals the end of Knight's Reign of Terror. No longer will he slap players, heave chairs, and chew out refs with impunity; no, the Dark Knight is ready to be put out to pasture (not to stud, however - perish the thought . . . and offspring). Perhaps a rest home for cantankerous coaching legends is in order.

Pat's Daughters, Chastity and Prudence,
Take a Break After Sunday School


Yet as we drove back in the BearMeat MeatWagon (our bus on loan from the McLennan County Jail) with our sedated daughters, we tuned in to the Lady Bears v Ags game on the radio only to find that the Mulkites were losing in the final minutes to the farm girls of A&M. Can we never enjoy but one game? Memories of a few days prior came flooding back, when our editors journeyed to the Will Ferrell Center on Wednesday to watch the Paris Twins decimate our defenses with their particular brand of Obeseketball - we left crestfallen, with little to console us. The fact is that in women's basketball, girth is an unstoppable strategy. Damn those twins!


Only a Sex-Change Away . . .
From the B's Starting Front Court Next Season


[Errata: Thank you "Scamp" for pointing out that our last post incorrectly identified Tisdale as being a "senior" when she is actually a junior. However, what we meant to convey when we said that she exhibited "senior leadership" was that she takes a lot of Centrum Silver, is an AARP member, and watches tons of Matlock reruns.

Gratitude: 12th ManChild's thoughts on the Bush Library going to SMU calmed our rage some, but we hoped that our schools could at least share a presidential library in common with the same name. Perhaps Bush II's desire to distinguish himself from his father prompted the SMU choice as well, as sharing a river was too close for comfort.]

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Saturday, November 04, 2006

RaiderMeat: In Search of Our Dignity

Baylor Pride. A much-used phrase with ambiguous meaning. To some it means pride regardless of outcome. To others it evokes memories of Cotton Bowls, Grant Teaff, Singletary, Mulkey, and Michael Johnson. To others, like the BearMeat Editorial Board, the phrase creates a profound feeling of philosophical ambivalence that threatens to undermine our legendary confidence, while conversely recalling nostalgic memories of the Vara Daniel Fountain, Minglewood Bowl, and 50 cent pitchers of Keystone Light at Scruffy's.

When we watch games like this, our Pride begins to diminish.

But then we recall the glory of years past. We remind ourselves that we have been to bowl games. We remind ourselves of the Mulkey & Co '05 Championship. We try to focus on taking one step at a time. There is a reason to get out of bed in the morning. There is reason to hope.

. . . all the while TX Technical is scoring at will on our hapless D, as we continue our assault on the pizza and pasta bar like the Vikings of old.

Raped and Pillaged. Baylor Football 2006.

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RaiderMeat: The Legend of the Wichita Kid

Why is the defense trying to sabotage the coming out party of the Wichita Kid? What happened on that 3rd and 1 snap? Do we have an offensive line? Who are we? From whence did we come? Whither the Bears? Questions like these have been plaguing the BearMeat editorial board for the entire first half.

This game is supposed to be the showcase of the darkest of the Heisman darkhorses, Colt McCoy's evil Polish twin, The Wichita Kid. However, without an offensive line, a defense that realizes the game has begun, and a coaching staff that can adapt to the arid West Texas climate, the Bears are doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past decade of Baylor football.

Flashes of Kevin Steele while consuming multiple pitchers of Lone Star . . .

Sic 'Em?

Despair sets in . . . as we help ourselves to meat lover's pizza dipped in peppercorn ranch . . . there isn't enough food in the world to fill the spiritual void of giving up 3 TDs in the 2Q.

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RaiderMeat: LiveBlog from a Central Texas Pizza Parlor

Well, ladies and gents, we have a game. Shawn "The General" Bell's heir apparent Blake Szymanski has begun to show signs that he can navigate the AirBear offense with his beautiful first down TD strike to Shelton. That'll show Leach to go for it on 4th and 5 at midfield against the Mighty Bears. Now if only we can convince the defense that Tech may be attempting a few passes in the rest of the game. JoePaw cannot do it all by himself. Time for C.J. and Arline to put some pressure on the Tech receivers.

The BearMeat editorial board is starting to show signs of life after the crushing ACL injury that seemed to sink our hopes, dreams and sizable gambling commitments. If Blake "The Polish Pony" can convert this opportunity delivered to him by the interception . . . . .

TOUCHDOWN! Blake is now our official pick for Heisman.

You heard it here first, BearMeat readers, The Polish Pony, aka the Wichita Kid, is poised to surpass Colt McCoy as Big12 Freshman QB of the year. And quite possibly, dare we say it, Baylor's first Heisman winner.

Sic 'em.

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Thursday, November 02, 2006

RaiderMeat: Notable Alumni Photo Montage

As the week comes to an end, we at BearMeat are quickly trying to learn more and more about the insufferable land and fruitless ideologies leaking out of everyone's favorite West Texas mote, Lubbock. We could tell you how I helped create Texas Tech in my previous life as governor, how an ex-mayor/cartoonist ripped off Yosemite Sam, what the hell a Saddle Tramp is and why Soapsuds' ass is facing in the direction of College Station. But you'll have to visit wikipedia for that. Instead, we have a photo montage of Texas Technological College's notable alumni. And you thought Jesus went to Brigham Young! Guns Up; Get 'er Done; (Insert favorite redneck line here)!


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"Awkward!"

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