BearMeat: lolllerskates @ AgricMeat

Holla, FaceDarius!

2011-10-12T11:27:00.002-06:00

Just making mad skrilla in the Holy Land. 1%er por vida!

The Brazos LulzBoat

2011-09-07T16:13:00.011-06:00

At first we were like

Then they were like

But then we were like

And now they are like

Stupid, pudding head Agrics.

AgricMeat: The North Korea of College Football

2011-09-07T10:00:00.000-06:00

NOTE: The below post was originally published on 10/25/06.

The Agriculturalists culture, despite being located in the second most populous state, surrounded by cities, universities, and cable, developed (I use the term loosely) seemingly in isolation deprived of the basic expectations of our modern world. This anomaly really has no parallel in American universities and can only be analogized to another aberration of the Post-Enlightenment Age, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

If an average citizen were stopped on the street and asked what comes to mind when I make this statement, "Militaristic, quick to anger, inferiority complex, incomprehensible to most of Western culture, self-aggrandizing and constantly threatening to develop offensive capabilities", there is a good chance, particularly if that person were a college football fan, they would answer the Agrics.

Is this one parade or two?

The similarities are boundless and I will attempt to summarize the most obvious ones.

DPRK- Not a day goes by that the state-sponsored media isn't attempting to get the attention of the world by announcing they are developing, testing, or firing missiles or nuclear weapons. They believe, despite all evidence to the contrary, that they are a significant participant in the world community.
Agrics-Not a day goes by that Agric alumni, periodicals, and fans, aren't calling for the firing of their head coach. They do this to remind everyone that they expect to be a championship-caliber team, despite not winning it all since FDR's administration, and the current season is an exception to the rule. This is a 67 years and counting tradition.

Agric's Hummel figurines.

DPRK-They claimed that they tested a nuclear weapon underground and although no one saw it, atmospheric tests seem to indicate a test happened.
Agrics-They are currently 7-1 against mostly mediocre teams that no one saw, but the omnipresent smell of College Station indicates someone did something.

DPRK-Their highest official is there because of his dad and is known for his hair.
Agrics-Their highest official is there because of the former governor and is known for his hair.

One of these was played by a puppet, the other is a puppet.

DPRK-They are considered the backward, country bumpkins of the Korean Peninsula. South Korea has developed into a vibrant liberal democracy and economic power. Addtionally, South Korea recently hosted the Olympics and World Cup, while North Korea annually throws FamineFest.
Agrics-They are the slow-witted country cousins of the University of Texas. Texas dominates them academically and athletically, despite Agrics accusations of UT being liberal, effete, and French-speaking. Also, Austin plays host to such celebrated events as ACL and SXSW.

Korean peasants and the Agric's Phi Beta Kappa Society meeting.

DPRK-Has historically eaten certain breeds of dogs.
Agrics-Has historically attempted to breed with dogs, chickens, etc.

I spared you the collie vibrator.

DPRK-Kim Jong-il is often seen in military garb despite never serving in the military.
Agrics-Many students join the Corps to play and dress like soldiers, despite its membership carrying no military obligation.

By coincidence both of them were Napoleon Dynamite last year.

DPRK-Political dissidents face a constant threat of torture.
Agrics-Students expressing unpopular views are summarily executed.

DPRK-Believes might makes right and does not believe in the rule of law.
Agrics-Believes might makes right and does not have a law school.

Incentives for potty training Korean children and Agric freshmen.

DPRK-Willing to go to war over the 38th parallel.
Agrics-Willing to go to war over someone walking on field.

DPRK-Kim Jong-il is said to have collection of over 20,000 movies.
Agrics-Library contains over 20,000 installments of Beetle Bailey.

DPRK-Much to their chagrin fellow communist state Vietnam has joining the World Trade Organization and is beginning to develop economically.
Agrics-Texas Tech has supplanted the Agrics as the large, public (wishing they had a religious affiliation), university with a good football program.

Success for some is failure for others.

The only question that remains is where does the B fit in? The B has accepted the basic tenets of Western Civilization. They can tend to provincialism and can, in their periodic embraces of fundamentalism, be too eager to adopt extremes like snake handling, prohibition, and virginity. They have a rich history, recently fell on hard times, but have begun to revive their once great civiliztion. Perhaps Japan, who has recently awoken from the economic doldrums of the past decade, would be apt. If I could pick anywhere in the world today,for some reason Nicaragua comes to mind. What's your choice? Remember there are no wrong anwsers.

Poolside at the SLC.

吉娜的扣篮几乎出现在今天所有的美国电视新闻中

2008-02-26T10:29:00.002-06:00

Oh Snapple!!! Red sent me this video a week ago via hallucinatory ghost waves (think Ghostbusters scene: Ray gets pants unzipped by ghost, almost orgasm, eventually and hopefully ghost-sex off camera) [cut] (My pants get unzipped by ghost of Red, playful touching, full completion of orgasm, the following video being delivered).

Thank you, Red.

This of course does not mean more posts, nor does it mean any future commitments. I'm not saying Coach Drew is bad coach, but he can't coach defense. He is the David Klingler of Coaches Vs. Cancer. He's the Scott Norwood of the Big 12.

Actual legitimate question here. Is Ryan Seacrest the son of Dobie Gillis?

Mulkey is in the fast lane right now. I'm ready to pull her red corvette over and administer a ticket. I'm a big bad DPS Trooper with my hot sweat dripping from the end of my bulbous nose. I want a piece of that hot Lady Bears action. Go to the freakin' games, man!

The Bizzaro Mulk?

So is she still committed to the B? Brittney Griner, that is. She's "Big In Japan" apparently.

Morning Rounds

2008-02-23T02:11:00.003-06:00

I'm looking forward to FSN's Lady Bear coverage tomorrow. 11 am can be a difficult call time. I think the idea of abusing the Cyclones as well as the excuse to prepare my mimosa and waffle breakfast will be just the right motivation to get up early in the afternoon. I figure if I space out the simosa just right I can be good and buzzed by the 7pm FSN Gentlemen Bears game. My predictions for the games.

BU v. ISU - Mulkey slaps the official as the whistle is blown to start the game and then requests an audience with the pope. Pope apologizes to Mulk for the official's face getting into the way of her perfect form pimp slap. Mulk offers absolution for three Hail Marys. Pope excepts and mends his ways. Baylor 74 ISU 60

BU v. KSU - Michael Beasley forces Bruiser to lick his own ass. Bruiser discovers it ain't half bad. Crowd turns on Beasley. Beasley uses Lomer's head to rocket him to first 720 dunk. Crowd cheers. Baylor 71 KSU 80

A Senior Moment

2008-02-21T16:37:00.003-06:00

What happened to our favorite Aussie from Horsham? Really that's his hometown. I'm sure middle school kids delighted in yelling that as much as the BearMeat editorial board at our morning bull sessions. Although recently since I can't find Red and Pat, I just sit by myself and scream at our newest interns manically until they start crying and then I make them change my diapers. I'm tough but fair.
Whhhhoooreee-Shammmmm, Whhhoooreee-Shammmmmmmmmmmm. Most of you are probably too young to remember this, but I'm pretty sure Aaron Bruce was the freshman of the year in the Big 12 back in 2005. He was supposed to be the foundation of a brighter future for a wounded program.

Bruce has done some great things during his run at the B. I don't want to knock him too much, but his decision making in the last two games in critical moments has been atrocious. When he called the timeout against Texas I was beside myself with indignation. Just moments earlier in a drunken stupor I had noticed that Baylor was without a timeout. I assume the Emu was sober, as well as Scottie. The coach has to make sure his players are aware of the timeout situation in the last huddle. Either Scott pooped himself or Bruce forgot. Bruce is the only senior who plays significant minutes. He shouldn't make that mistake. I'll grant you Baylor still had a chance to win, but it didn't help matters and should have never happened.

I promise I'm trying.

Then Bruce decides that with Baylor up three against Oklahoma on the road he is going to desperately lunge at a three point shooter and allow them to get a four point play. Every week in the NBA and college ball the announcers remind the audience don't foul a three point shooter. Everyone knows this. If Oklahoma hits the three the game is still tied. Once again I concede Baylor had its chances, but what was Aaron thinking, "If we win this I might have play in late March instead of poontanging at South Padre."

Bruce in March from 2005-2007.

I don't blame Bruce solely. This really is a coaching failure. Teams take on the personality of their coach. Drew has a little too much, "Golly Gee Willakers we tried real hard and almost won. Darn, oh well, we'll get them next time." Have you ever listened to Drew explain a loss? Despite the fact that he should be an expert on the subject it is always these broad generalities about what went wrong. He always seems a little bewildered that they lost another game. "We looked slow, our defense wasn't doing a good job, I wasn't sure that developing a post game was legal". Compare that to Mulk. On the rare occasion she loses she goes over the exact problem. She explains the precise breakdown and you know she is already trying to figure out what to change for the next game and the the tournament. It's like she already broke down the tape, but she can do it immediately as she is leaving the court.

Of course she drives a Corvette.

Can Drew develop the ability to be a game day coach and turn our big men into something useful? He certainly couldn't when he got here and I don't believe he is now. I'd like to think of Drew's run at Baylor as the most generous and frustrating on the job training program since W's presidency. He does seem to be a solid recruiter. Maybe he can get the talent level up enough that they can overcome his shortcomings and learn enough along the way. I'm not sure that is possible, but maybe. I think how Baylor ends this season is a critical stretch in Drew's tenure. Will he get it done? If Baylor implodes and doesn't make it to the post-season I think we need to ask ourselves about our expectations. I hope Drew proves me wrong, but I'm not counting on it.

Now fadeaway behind the 3 point line.

I Know A Winner When I See One

2008-02-20T17:53:00.007-06:00

Last Sunday as I sat in the Giant Golden Boobie watching Mulk's team destroy Trailer Mulk's team for the second time in recent weeks I couldn't help reflect on the quote across the back of the Gold-Out provided t-shirts.

I know a winner when I see one.

- Kim Mulkey.

I was in a reflective mood because I was attempting to avoid an inadvertent brown-out of my own making. The evening before I had consumed no less than a tub of IPA before, during and after the men's game. If it wasn't for the Taco Cabana restroom on the way to the Sunday afternoon game I do not believe I would have been able to consume the three servings of funnel cake I indulged in during the game.

One - What does Mulk honestly think of Scott Drew? I know she would never say it, but she has to look at him and think to herself, "You're lucky there are only 24 hours in a day because I'd do both our jobs for a bargain basement $2 million/year." Shouldn't we just let Mulkey be our AD as well. I mean we could do it just like one of these reality modeling shows. Have the various candidates for a coaching position walk back and forth a few times on the runway and Mulk would eyeball them, maybe ask a few questions for the camera and select a couple of finalists. It could be high drama, tears would be shed, the losers would exit and Mulk would tell them how they do and don't remind her of herself. Ultimately she will pick a winner. I think this could be accomplished in one day of filming and on a low budget. FSN would pick it up and maybe we could use the profits to pay the coaches salary. One thing is clear, Mulk needs more power.

At this point Victoria and Heidi need
Mulk more than she needs them.

Second - Where are all the students for women's games? The contrast last weekend couldn't be more stark. Drew's team brought in the second largest crowd, including the usual bear Pit Folks, in school history to watch a Top Ten Texas team beat the B for the 22nd time in a row. Do you hear that, "The 22nd time in a row". It has been ten, I repeat 10 years, since the Gentlemen beat Texas, in basketball. Basketball, not football, Basketball. Yes, I know it was on ESPN and yes I know we have our best record in a long time, but still come on. A perennial top ten Baylor team played a top ten Oklahoma team on a weekend afternoon in a game in which they were giving away free t-shirts to watch a battle for the Big 12 title and the crowd was 3,000 less than the gentlemen's game and student's were noticeably absent. This less than inspiring crowd number happened to be the largest crowd of the season for the women's team. Frankly it's embarrassing. I will say that the crowd that did show up was boisterous and caused as much a ruckus as can be expected for a group who started voting during Ike's presidency.

Me and some friends tailgating a Lady Bears game.

The President Bids Farewell to BearMeat

2007-11-20T07:15:00.000-06:00

Dear Readers,

How I love the seventeen of you with all of my being. So, it is with a heavy heart and a belly full of Rebel Yell that I must speak honestly: The ghost you know as President Reddin "Red" Andrews is resigning from the BearMeat Editorial Board. I have been invited to play in that great Texas Hold 'Em Game in the sky with Abner McCall and Ann Richards, where the whiskey flows and the cigar smoke is thick. The blog afterlife beckons me home - from whence I came in July of 2006.

Resigning to "Spend more time with my family"

My principal editorial duties (fawning over Emily Ingram, worshipping Mulk, praising Brock, mocking Drew, and lamenting Kevin Steele) will be shared between The Good Judge (who promises to return from his three-month hibernation within the next three months) and the Guvn'r (whose enthusiasm as of late portends great things for the future of these here BearMeats). I will miss all of the fellow bloggers I met along the way who have helped us become the go-to blog for Baylor sports satire. I want to thank all of our Oso Amigos and BearBackers for their support and encouragement through the last year and a half.

Sloan, GuyMo & Red: The 3 Amigos of Houston Baptist U

I realize that now that GuyMo is gone, the albatross has been taken from our necks and we have a clean slate to work with. I also realize that the Gentleman Bears just won the Paradise Jam Crown in the Virgin Islands with victories over Notre Dame and Winthrop. These are optimistic times to be a Baylor fan. However, I am a writer who needs a certain level of melancholy and pathos in order to be inspired. These events have proved too much for my frail constitution. Some times an old cowboy just has to hang up his spurs.

Paradise Jam Champions?!?! A New Era Dawns . . .

Seriously, thank you all for reading and commenting on my posts and I will be with this blog in spirit, ala Obi Wan Kenobi, as it continues to stagger into the future with a heart full of hope and a belly full of hallucinogens.

Sic 'em, Bears!

Sincerely,

Red Andrews
Senior Editor, BearMeat

Eagle vs. Bear: Sorta Live Bloggin'

2007-11-19T21:59:00.000-06:00

So the Alico got the DVR. Apparently I thought Judge Baylor was talking about some sexual disease he had obtained from our latest untested intern, Clerk Judith McKenzie Le. But no, the good Judge was speaking of a marvelous technological advantage that recorded games while one is watching other awesome TV shows, such as... 2 1/2 Men??? We love it. But we also pay for sex. $2.13 an hour is cheap though.

Anyway, seeing a Baylor team compete with other adequate sport teams is pretty awesome after these past months. However, Winthrop is a team that we should be beating the hell out of...and that would be the case if we had any real inside presence. K-Rog already has 10 fouls, Lomers is still goofy as ever....and fouling, and LaceDarius is going to be the talk of these here BearMeats for as many years as our bandwidth can handle him. Oh yeah, Curtis Jerrells is our MVP. That's important.

Scott Drew's Playbook is on EBay apparently.

Go G-Bears. Go L-Bears (they got a sweet game coming up soon).

Here's to a renewed optimism. Seasons come, Seasons change.

Sic 'em Bears. Sic 'em Lomers. Sic 'em Fox Sports Pacific Central.

We are the champions, my friends!

Guvn'r Pat's Scenes From a TurdPolisher

2007-11-19T15:23:00.000-06:00

At approximately 3pm, Central Standard Time, the following image was snapped and stolen from the craziest and inane internet sports fan message board, TurdPolishers.com.

TurdPolishers is an exact science created by mixing 2 part Drudge Report, 1/4 part Regents University, 1/2 part Bob Jones University, 4 part Green & Gold Kool-Aid, and 1 part Robert B. Sloan, Jr. Grade-A One-Size-Fits-All Diaphragm.

[Eds. note - Good luck finding that last one. Have you seen the size of that family???]

Let's take a look into each of these profound topics of discussion at TurdPolishers.

Michael Vick Surrenders - Sometimes it takes a while for us Texans to receive news. See Juneteenth.
Perfect Storm - TurdPolishers love to cast famous Baylor folks in their favorite movie roles. In this instance Guy Morriss would play the role of George Clooney, Aaron Bruce would reprise the role made famous by Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberg, and the $250 million mortgaged by the Baylor Board of Regents would be The Perfect Storm. Quite interesting indeed.
I just hope... - Baylor doesn't find out I am a homosexual attempting to free the caged bears on campus and kick me out because I just spent $32k on my freshman tuition/room & board.
What is Nutt's church affiliation? - This quite possibly could be the number one question asked in the search process for a head ball coach at Baylor. Second question would be "Do you drink the alcohol?"
My list of candidates... - Cos the qualified coaches are banging down the Baylor door. I'm pretty sure it's a list of 3A and 4A high school coaches.
Do You Think Mike Is Stupid? - Typical question from a TurdPolisher. Yes, I think he is stupid and has erectile dysfunction as well. Any other questions? Yes? You in the back. I do believe he wears small glasses because he has a large penis. Thus the problem with it erecting. No more questions, please. Peace Out.
What About Patterson? - Fatty McPatterson has a great job at TCU. Sorry, broseph.
DMN: Saviour Will Not Coach The B - Face it. The B's football program is a lot like Carrot Top...Box Office Poison. Singletary will be wise to stay away.
The Truth About... - Anonymous posters know more about football and running a program than the Baylor Athletic Dept. That is probably yet sadly true. (whimper)

and finally, Encouraging News From Pat Neff(istopeheles) - BearMeat will never die!!!!!

Baptists Defeat the Catholics! Tommy Bowden & the Lutherans Pray for Big Money!

2007-11-19T10:08:00.000-06:00

Where's yer Messiah now, Beckwith?

The G-Bears have victoriously moved on to the finals of Aaron Bruce's All-Star Poon-Tang Jam in a hot 'n' sweaty affair in the deeply thatched jungles of the U.S. Virgin Islands. The Notre Dame B-Ball team put up a valiant effort in the 68-64 loss; however, the heroic efforts of Curtis Jerrells guided the Fightin' Baptists to a Crusade-like victory.

The Chosen One

I am a little concerned that The B only put up 47 three point attempts in the wins over the Shockers and the Catholics. Whoa...that sounds like Wednesday night's theme from last week's BearMeat Fetish Extravaganza & Symposium. We're so sorry we were busy and did not inform you of same.

Ooooh. Such a devious glare! Nice.

In other news, Baylor Football is still jacked up.

Sez Ian McCAW-(CAW!):

Baylor's assistant coaches will remain in place to continue their work with the student-athletes in the program, recruit and oversee program operations. The program's three coordinators (Lee Hays, Larry Hoefer and Kasey Dunn) will work together to provide leadership of the program until the search is completed.

Nooooooooo. I don't mind Hoefer, but giving leadership roles to Hays and Dunn is like placing an Aggie, a sheep, a bucket of Crisco, and a coonskin cap in the same room. Everything eventually gets fucked.

Come home to Momma, Poppa Bear.

Peace Out, Bears. Don't give us Houston Nutt (although Nutt jokes could be...no, don't hire him, please).

GuyMo's Final Words

2007-11-19T09:24:00.000-06:00

From the mouth of the esteemed Jerry Hill (may you one day be able to drop "assistant" from your title. Like me.)...

After failing to produce the “winner” he promised five years ago, Baylor head football coach Guy Morriss was fired Sunday afternoon and left with two words: “Peace out.”

Sic 'Em GuyMo

Goodbye to Guy Morriss

2007-11-18T16:35:00.000-06:00

I don't like Mondays: It's Wednesday Edition

2007-11-14T09:22:00.000-06:00

OK. Move it along, folks. Nothing to see here. Keep walking.

And that is what we shall do. BearMeat reserves the right to lean heavily on our hollow crutches filled to the brim with Rebel Yell this upcoming Saturday. This season has dragged on far too long. The week has been slow and arduous here. It's hard to get up out of bed and say to yourself, "Dammit! I'm going to do my best to be the best satirist I can be about the most satirical BCS football program in the country! I AM A bEARmEAT WRITER....Yay!?"

BearMeat in Stillwater. Circa Spring '07.

Anyways...Bruins Bold has done an excellent job of detailing and explaining the GuyMo era, which we think we can safely say is almost over. Let's just get the hell outta dodge and get on to other sports. Winnable sports. As in Big 12 Conference victories sports.

Infared BearMeat searching for the infamous Oklahoma Predator

TurdPolishing has invaded the Dallas Morning News. I do think it was nice to see the O-Line show up to play this year. They are far and away the ComeBack Players of the Year award winners. According to our inside sources, Blake Szymanski apparently has hands the size of a 9 month baby and a heart as fragile as a pet rabbit. Cheers to our new season passing leader in various categories of statistic greatness! Jeers to non-contact turnovers!

J.J. Joe, you're still my favorite Bear QB.

[An important side note here. Would you believe that some Baylor football "fans" don't prefer Mike Singletary as head ball coach because he is married to a white woman??? Some of the pricks on TurdPolishers.com make Aggies look like decent human beings. What a pathetic display of support for Baylor. The fervor over there used to make me chuckle. Now it's more like vomit.]

Anyways. Watch out Waco! Community leaders are actually thinking about not putting up the giant Texas Ranger statue. Let's see what the local businesses are saying...

Honey Rader, owner of Honeys Home+Style in downtown Waco, said the statue wouldn't help the city's image.

Radar said especially if it reminds people of the Branch Davidians and their deadly standoff with law enforcement.

Honey?...Rader?...Quite possibly the best name ever?!

"More Honey! Less Statue!"

The Gentlemen Bears are headed to the Virgin Islands for the Paradise Jam Tournament, and all I can think about is how much poon-tanging Aaron Bruce will be accomplishing on Temptation Island. If any of you all out there have some hot, soft-core action stories about The Bruce, please forward it our way. Please. Also, I really hope we play and crush Notre Dame in the tournament. That would be awesome.

"Throw another virgin on the barbie, mate!"

The Lady Bears play tomorrow night against Texas Pan-Am and then take a ten-day break until a Sunday match-up in Waco with the California "Golden" Bears. This will be a televised game on FSN and a great game to boot. A Baylor victory will help propel them to top ten status in the polls and an eventual National Championship. We are known for our embellishment.

Devanei Hampton (Not Pictured): "My hands are bigger than Blake Szymanski. Period."

Alright, chew on that. Green 'n' Gold in Solidarity. Sic 'Em Bears.

Right Now: Return of the International 3 Point Carnival

2007-11-12T12:37:00.000-06:00

The following is a YouTube of BearIllustrated.com's attempt to hype up the men's basketball season. It contains the absolute makings of 2007 Baylor Men's Basketball Gold: Coach Drew's defensive schemes, 3-Pointers!, Josh "Slumlord" Lomers, Van Halen's "Right Now," and of course the cheesy tag lines using the "Right Now" phrase.

Enjoy Baylor Basketball and Crystal Pepsi!

Right Now Josh Lomers is peddling the vegetable cart!

Bear vs. Landgrabber: A Televised Mess

2007-11-11T07:26:00.000-06:00

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Psalm 13:2

First, let us take stock of the good news from last night's game: Blyzzle Szyzzle broke Shawn Bell's single-season records for passing yards and touchdowns. The defense performed honorably in the first half (as they have in most conference games). The offensive line continues to soldier on in spite of the gloom and doom of our fate looming over the field. Brandon Whitaker played like the Crown Prince of Oklahoma, refusing to give in, give up or give an inch. His character and honor, in addition to his amazing performance, were awe-inspiring. [All photos courtesy of WacoTrib Photo Gallery]

#2: "This is my own, my native land!"

Of course, it wasn't all wine and roses. Our special teams, our offense, and our coaching was atrocious. This game and the next will be so full of pathos that it will be difficult for us to report on them. Too many memories of the Last Days of Kevin Steele. The saddest part about GuyMo's inevitable departure is that for two seasons (2005 & 2006) put together two teams who were legitimate bowl contenders. He came the closest a Baylor team has ever come to beating OU in 2005 with a 2OT loss, and was one 4th & 20 breakdown away from knocking off A&M two years in a row. GuyMo helped raise the expectations for performance that eventually precluded his further employment at Baylor.

Lo, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death

Perhaps it was importing that West Texas A&M offense that we didn't have the talent for. Or perhaps it was the flight of good assistants in the off season. Perhaps it was the dreadful recruiting . Perhaps it was the lack of decisiveness about the most crucial position on the field. No 5 QB rotation has ever led to a bowl game. If the coach is unsure about who the QB is until the season opener, the rest of the team then knows the coach lacks confidence in the field generals he has and the team as a whole. Regardless, the coaches set the tone and call the plays. Whether or not the administration has been fully supportive of GuyMo is a subject of legitimate debate. Whether Sloan, Lilley and/or the Board of Regents hung him out to dry will be a subject of much speculation for years to come. What we do know is that he was able to achieve moderate success with Steele's recruits, but not his own. He couldn't close out the majority of close games and couldn't prevent a full-blown tailspin this season. GuyMo did much to bring back a fighting, competitive spirit to Baylor and for that we are truly thankful. He did deliver our first win over hated A&M since Reagan was president. He did bring us two season of multiple conference wins. These are important steps in teh right direction. We lament the "leaking" of his impending termination with two games yet to be played. This is truly unfair to the coach, but especially the team, whose morale must be in the depths. Yet, the time has come and what has been done cannot be undone.

Wow.

BREAKING NEWS: Baylor Athletic Dept. Responds

2007-11-09T10:05:00.000-06:00

In light of the most recent embarrassment resulting from the ongoing tug of war for power between the Baylor Board of Regents and the actual Baylor Athletic Department, a video response has been hastily put together per the direction of Athletic Director Ian McCaw. BearMeat is proud to be the first to unveil this video. We appreciate the efforts by the Athletic Department to keep the humiliation of this football season to a minimum, and we especially are privileged to have a comment from Ian McCaw:

We'll evaluate the program at the end of [this video].

DMN and Chronicle Report: GuyMo is Gone After Season

2007-11-09T05:45:00.000-06:00

According to the Dallas Morning News and the Houston Chronicle, sources within the athletic department have stated that Guy Morriss will be gone after the season - Baylor will buy out the remainder of his contract. Here is News 6's coverage of this pre-mature news.

Anyone think The B has a chance against OU or Okie St with that news out there? Keep in mind that we have never beaten Oklahoma in 108 years of football. Sic 'em.

Soolai, Soolai, Solomon

2007-11-08T10:10:00.000-06:00

Venkman:

All right, miss. Have you or has any member of your family ever been diagnosed schizophrenic or mentally incompetent?

Librarian:

Well, my uncle thought he was St. Jerome.

Jerome Solomon. I don't know him. You don't know him. Houstonians might know him. Jerry Hill probably does. The Hearst Corporation knows him. This man with two historically relevant Christian names is a Houston Chronic sports writer. His blog is called King Solomon's DingleBerries (and for the life of me, I don't know how that got past the Chronic's Editors). He has opinions on The B's football crises.

Let us dissect!

Sez St. Jerome:

POOR Cousin Baylor. If a tree falls on a Bear in the forest ... oh, forget it; no one would be around to hear it anyway.

True. Very true. The Church is slow; therefore, The Bear is slow. How many Bears must we sacrifice before reformations occur? How many TurdPolishers must be cultivated before reality sinks in? How many witty remarks must St. Jerome summon in order to scratch the surface of all the problems of The B's football program?

Is there a less relevant program in a relevant conference in the country? Don't even think about it. That's like debating the quality of Caveman compared to Carpoolers.

The bet here is that had Morriss been running a VIP Connection newsletter, it wouldn't have made $50, and its discovery would not have made national news.

Baylor...couldn't get a volunteer fire department to show up with a cup of water if it set the fake grass at Floyd Casey Stadium ablaze with the entire team on the field.

Baylor is that odd cousin whose name you're too embarrassed to put on those silly family tree T-shirts.

...few are thinking about poor Cousin Baylor.

...Morriss shouldn't make any contractual commitments - not even a frequent sandwich card at Subway - that might take more than a month to complete.

Poor Cousin Baylor.

(In your best Count von Count voice) Seven! Seven witty remarks! AH HA HA HA HA! And that's leaving out the opening salvo. After that, St. Jerome actually spends the second half of the article discussing the issues, and it's a rather pleasant and frank read.

However, there exists two issues which King Solomon fails to deliver us from evil. First and foremost, the intricacies and ball-rubbing that involves the Board of Regents is not hit upon. That's a hard subject though. We are dealing with Baptists Overlords here.

The "Bapal" State that really runs The B's football program values the teetotaling do-gooder qualities of a coach as much and maybe more than having strong management and teaching attributes. Just because you are a "good person/Christian" doesn't mean you automatically know how to teach and lead your pupils. Now, I'm not saying we should outright disregard the "shady" habits of an individual, but I do believe we should be able to discuss our coaches and potential coaches without having to think about their personal vices.

Hell. What if BearMeat championed for UTEP's Mike Price as our next head ball coach? He screwed a stripper for cash per Sports Illustrated, sued the magazine, and won his defamation lawsuit. Cleaned up his name, in my fantasy world, I guess. But I sure as hell know that the Bapal State would not give two shits about him. Sinner.

The second topic from Solomon's article that I have an issue with deals with the end of the 2005 5-6 season.

Morriss looked like the real deal and seemed to be headed toward making the Bears solid, but he wasn't rewarded with a contract extension after that 5-6 season. That couldn't have helped recruiting.

True. It did seem like a phoenix-like rebirth of The B was about to occur, but a contract was in place (a very nice 'n' rich contract at that) and recruitment should not hinge on such matters. If recruiting was hurt because GuyMo was not re-rewarded after the 5-6 season, then good riddance. $2.5 million dollars into his bank account for the next two seasons should not hurt recruiting efforts. That's bullshit.

Naw. I think changing the whole freakin' offense gameplan to CareBear hurt the damn efforts during the 2005-2006 offseason. Too much tinkering; too little teaching. The mental state of every GuyMo coached team has always been erratic. From the "Bluegrass Miracle," to the 2006 Baylor offensive line, and let us make our final destination with the 2007 4 Ring Quarterback Circus. GuyMo has got to go.

But the problem here is really messed up. Our Bapal State actually stepped outside its normal boundaries and went with a beer drinking, motorcycle riding (hide the children, Ma), dog tag wearing teacher who lacked the skills in managing, mentoring, promoting, sustaining and nurturing a Southern Baptists business - Baylor Football.

No one can realistically blame Guy entirely. He'll probably be the first Baylor coach to actually get another headcoaching job after leaving here. I honestly don't think anyone can coach The B to success and continual success in the Big 12. Maybe it's time for Conference USA, Mountain West, or the WAC.

In conclusion, I hereby announce my intentions to include into the Vision 2012 a provision that states Baylor football must attend a bowl game before the year 2012 or else be relegated to a weaker conference or become an Independent. Hell, we probably could have beaten Notre Dame this year. I also propose hiring an up and coming coordinator or assistant from a well-coached and established program. No more NFL products for now.

Thank you for your time and Sic 'Em.

BearMeat Caption Contest

2007-11-07T18:34:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Asst Editor Scamp for alerting us to the reality of the upcoming Lady & Gentlemen Bears hoops seasons. In honor of Admiral Mulk and Baby Face Drew, we present this photo from the WacoTrib's photo gallery of the Waco Chamber Tip-Off Luncheon. Please provide funny captions if you have nothing better to do with your time. Our caption submission is featured below the photograph. You may remember our last caption contest revealed a full-figured undergraduate superstar to our readership. We speak, of course, of none other than Brock.

Drew + Mulk = One Incredible Coach and Scott Drew

The Nail in the Coffin

2007-11-07T10:33:00.000-06:00

Following the public relations disaster of the Tet Offensive during the Vietnam War, it was clear that not only was the U.S. not winning the "hearts and minds" of the South Vietnamese, but it was losing the hearts and minds of the American people as well. In his famous broadcast from February 27th, 1968, Walter Cronkite, the trusted voice of news anchor neutrality, gave his personal opinion that the war was, at best, a stalemate. In response to this historic broadcast, then-President LBJ said, "If I've lost Cronkite, I've lost middle America."

Obviously no parallel to our current success in Iraq

We of the BearMeat Editorial Board love and respect fellow Baylor sports blogger (albiet for the mainstream media WacoTrib) Jerry Hill of the Bear Blog. Jerry's reporting is always top-notch, professional and thorough. Since Jerry covers the college sports beat in a medium-sized city with one major Division 1 program, it is a difficult balance to strike between getting close to your sources and keeping your journalistic integrity in tact. Jerry has refrained from overt criticism of Baylor coaches when journalists at larger papers in larger cities would have gone for the jugular - this is one of the limitations of his work and we don't fault him for it. After Saturday's loss to Texas Tech, however, Mr. Hill has given up on GuyMo. His Bear Blog has turned on this awful season and Guy Morriss' 5-year tenure as head coach of The B. (Exhibit 1 and Exhibit 2) Therefore, we say, that if Guy Morriss has lost Jerry Hill, he has lost Baylor.

"Do not ask for whom the bell tolls . . . "

Schnupp: The Final Word

2007-11-07T07:37:00.000-06:00

Leave it to the NoZe Brothers to have the final say on former assistant football coach Eric Schnupp, whose urinary antics at Scruffy's were the stuff of nation-wide watercooler conversation. This ad for Scruffy Murphy's in the Homecoming Rope (pdf version) pretty much sums up the whole affair.

Schnupp: If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you could ever imagine

[P.S. Does anyone remember Dr. Brann Flake's Summer Lecture post last summer about Schnupp's recruiting skills? Or the Guvn'r's eerily prophetic substance abuse suggestion? Quote: "The word on the street is that Coach Schnupp used to drop a ton of acid back in his days at the U."]

Crank that Baylor Bear

2007-11-06T06:43:00.001-06:00

Some of our older/out-of-touch readers may not recognize this song "Soulja Boy" and its accompanying dance moves, but to see Baylor students perform it with some modified lyrics is quite hilarious. The interracial composition of the dance team makes me feel that Baylor isn't as self-segregated as it used to be. Brings a tear to my eye - Baylor's own contemporary "Ebony and Ivory." Can any of our student readers tell us which dorm this is? Is it Hogwarts? North Village? The facilities look very new. Bonus: If you watch the whole thing you will see a rather excellent rendition of "The Carlton" - a dance made popular on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

I don't like Mondays: Week 1

2007-11-05T13:58:00.000-06:00

This is my version of Red's "Around the Quad." First and foremost, I'd like to thank Red in front of this BearMeat audience for all the hard work he has put forth into keeping the Editorial Board somewhat sober and the BearMeaty world kicking. You wouldn't believe the amount of interventions we've had this year. He's dubbed those dark times, "I Extend My Olive Branch Towards You, My Friend. Please Do Not Touch My Hairy Olive Pits." Thanks and huzzah, Red.

Another successful BearMeat intervention by President Red Andrews

Anyways, Mondays are bitter pills for fans of the B. It hasn't really fazed me throughout this whole damn farce of a football season, but today I am especially bitter. Maybe the fact that our newest Intern, Yemal Grangerson, delivered a case of Wiser's Whiskey instead of our usual Rebel Yell for our Homecoming festivities is the reason for my awful, awful attitude today. I say sorry in advance. Here's a round-up of gunk 'n' bitterness.

Has King GuyMo gone crazy (9th question down) or is he the new Baby Aristotle?

How important is it for the players to keep playing for something? Morriss: "Well it is important. It's kind of like the farmer comes home, and there are two crying babies waiting for him, and momma's run off with the milkman. You've got to do something.

And doing something in this regards would be grabbing the shotgun and hunting your babies' momma and the milkman down. I hereby motion for Baylor players to run around with shotguns above their heads. It would be a Tusken Raiders vs. The Last Boy Scout mash-up. The B could actually make money off of football games. Hell, we might as well keep King GuyMo for another season. Awesome!

(I will give you, our very special readers, the option to caption this great photo)

Not to be outdone, the B's basketball program lost to Tarleton State!!! Upon reading that article I got two thoughts in my head.

Thank God we haven't lost the will to shoot the three.
Thank Jesus we haven't learned how to play defense.

Scott Drew sez:

Tarleton is a very good team. This is a very good thing for us, not that we lost the game and executed poorly, but it gives us an idea of what we need to focus and improve on before we start playing the games that count.

No Drew. The loss is a very, very good thing. No need to build hope. It's hurts the heart and soul so much. Just ask the Polish Pony. Expectations suck.

Are the ladies down with Bruce's new look? I know I am!

TurdPolishers are crazy for coaches! I have to admit. The TurdPolishers are frankly quite amusing. I feel better as a human when I see them fighting with each other. The coaching names being tossed around there are Larry Fedora (OSU offensive coordinator - ex-Teaff/Reedy asst. coach), Houston Nutt (headcoach of the Arkansas Pigs), and Gene Stallings (I would love to have the Crypt Keeper as head ball coach - click-clack - there goes my hip). And then there are the Singletary worshippers who would die by Samurai Mike's blade. *Warning* TurdPolisher humor is not for everyone. I will not even link to the site. You must know it by now.

Baylor/OU game on TV. Awesome. Saturday at 5:30pm on Fox Sports Southwest. Recruits please look away. Board of Regents please pass the brandy.

If you missed the preseason polls, the Lady Bears are ranked mostly in the 15 range. Not that these early polls mean much. But, damn, we sure do need a confidence booster these days. But let's not be too hasty cos it's still a Monday. Apparently a report is out there as of last week that BearMeat's darling dunker, Brooklyn Pope, might be heading to Rutgers. That sucks. We would have turned this place into a freakin' Pope shrine. Oh well, hopefully it's a false report. Ho hum. Oh yeah, the men's team lost a big recruit too. Yay. Mondays.

It's so hard being a Bear sometimes.

Please report to us anymore depressing news in the comments section. Thanks for your continual support. Sic 'em.

Bear vs. Pirate, Part 2: Swashbuckled!

2007-11-04T08:26:00.000-06:00

The Pirate Hordes Descend on Waco

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rebel Yell! The Pirates of Lubbock sailed into town, raping and pillaging all that they encountered. The Homecoming game was a sight that makes eyes sore. A real spread offense apparently is much better against a cheap simulacrum of a spread offense. Regardless, we promised not to discuss what occurred on the field, thanks to an ongoing gag order from the 54th District Court of McLennan County. So instead, we present our WacoTrib Gameday Photo Gallery Pics of the Game! (Because, really, captioning photos is probably what we do best . . . since it's what we do most.)

GuyMo: "Our women are not safe around these pirates!"

Blyzzle: "Shiver me timbers . . . these be REAL pirates."

Boo Pirates . . . Hooray Beer!, uh, I mean, Bears!

The Dread Pirate Leach

Crab + Tree = Heisman?

Pirate Cheerleaders: Nature's Viagra

Pirate MILFs: Like a fine wine . . .

. . . lest we forget why we love Baylor so much

Homecoming Festivities: Brock = BearMeat

2007-11-03T11:54:00.000-06:00

Where two or three are gathered together in Baylor's name, there Brock is in the midst of them. - Matt. 18:20, New King Brock Version

Thanks to the excellent photo journalism of the WacoTrib, we are pleased to present a few select photos from their Bonfire gallery and Homecoming parade gallery. Guess what? We've got photos of Brock. Would you expect anything less from a blog of this caliber? Of course not. Sic 'em, Bears and here's to covering the spread against Tech.

Brock vs. Bruiser: Quien es mas macho?

Brock's Posse: 2 Legit 2 Quit

GuyMo: The Last "Sic 'em"

"Is that Courtney Paris?" "Nah, just a float, dude."

Lilley's annual alms for the poor

Gunder Thorson cares for The Good Judge's pup

What is this supposed to mean?

Homecoming Magic: A Parade Proposal

DAMN!!! Eternal Flame, Bitches!!!

2007-11-02T11:17:00.000-06:00

I tell you what, boy. Bear on Bear violence is increasing and BearMeat loves it. From TurdPolishers' in-fighting to Freshmen vs. the Upper Classes and all the way back to Chamber Members vs. PETA...we got it going on at The B. Take it to the field, and we'll crush those Tortilla Throwers with our helmets, Miami-style.

I love this new fangled slow-motion violence thing hitting the YouTubes. It's so effing hot right now.

Eternal Flame...you got PUNK'D! Where you at now, Susanna Hoffs?

Sic 'Em 'n' Kick 'Em!

Around the Quad: Mulk's Loyalty & "The Worm" Story

2007-11-02T08:09:00.000-06:00

Dear Readers,

Many of you have written, asking us to spend more time on coverage of the upcoming "AirRaid" vs. "AirBear" showdown between Harrell/Crabtree/Leach and Szyzzle/Gettis/GuyMo. Sorry, but that is beyond the scope of this blog. Such a comparison is too easy to make light of and is not worthy of our more sophisiticated brand of satire. Plus, we took an oath not to discuss on-the-field issues until next season. Instead, we leave you with a veritable "Lifestyle Section" of news from around the Burleson Quadrangle (thanks largely to our interns who "daylight" as reporters at the WacoTrib).

In Bruiser,

Red Andrews

1. Dave Cunningham, The Baylor Bomber, sentenced to 3 Years Probation. After pleading guilty to making threats to blow up Baylor and facing 10 years in federal prison, Dave was given 3 years probation, mandatory counseling and made to live in a half-way house for six months.

This WacoTrib article provided this gem from the sentencing hearing:

Cunningham told the judge at the brief sentencing hearing Thursday he never intended to act on the threats, saying, “I don’t have a lot of tact in dealing with police enforcement.” Cunningham, a former member of the Baylor track team, ended his brief statement laughing nervously and saying that he just wanted to go back to the zoo in Tyler to watch the elephants.

2. Mulk's New Book, Won't Back Down, hits shelves! In case you missed it, Mulk's autobiography, Won't Back Down, hit the shelves and is electrifying Waco with its lurid detail and compelling drama. Here is a tidbit from her dilemma whether to stay at Louisiana Tech or take Baylor's offer. Wow.

This is from Jerry Hill's article in the WacoTrib, no wonder she values loyalty so highly.

After she was offered the Baylor job in 2000, Mulkey returned to Louisiana Tech and begged President Dan Reneau to give her a five-year contract to stay at the Ruston, La., school. “I got out of my chair, onto my knees, and begged that man for a five-year contract. Tears were flying everywhere. It was humiliating. I was a strong-willed woman who had never done anything like that in her entire life. I was trying to show him the passion I had for the university, the program. How could he not appreciate the loyalty I had shown them?”

3. Grant Teaff Tells the Real "Worm Story" on the Em Zone. Baylor sports stories don't get any better than Grant Teaff telling of his legendary motivational speech involving a worm that led to Baylor knocking off #9 Texas. Click here for the Em Zone Archive.

Teaff: "Do I look like the kind of person that would eat a worm?"

GuyMo's "ClawMarks" Reveal Policies, Dreams, Inner Thoughts

2007-11-01T14:05:00.000-06:00

On the heels of Rumsfeld's "Snowflakes" falling from the rich, white heavens to the savage brutes of Everywhere, America, BearMeat has stumbled upon it's own discovery in similar vein. Apparently King GuyMo has been scratching out notes that reflect upon thoughts and notions which the everyday Baylor fan is unaware of, possibly even hiding from.

Until now. We at BearMeat are proud to unveil King GuyMo's "ClawMarks." Many attempts to retrieve this information from the basements of Floyd Casey were denied. We have friends, people. Friends that don't post on TurdPolishers.com. Be aware. Some of GuyMo's inner thinkings are shocking...in fact, downright disturbing. We won't stop here.

Bear vs. Pirate, Part 1: The DiscoTech! Chronicles

2007-10-31T17:48:00.001-06:00

[The following is a free-ranging conversation between Red Andrews, the Senior Editor of the BearMeat Editorial Board, and Bond J. Bond, blogger-extraordinaire, from DiscoTech! Thanks to their shared sensibilities, they had much to discuss about our schools and the upcoming game between Baylor and Tech. Very little football was discussed. All images provided by DiscoTech!'s Big Book of Tech Hotties. - Eds.]

The Ladies

Red:
For all its many faults, you really can't blame Baylor for having an incredible endowment of white poontang. With nearly 60% female undergraduates, Baylor men have excellent odds of leaving WacoU with a hot wife, or at least a sporting chance at a three-way. The dating culture here is bi-polar as hell: either hook-up or get engaged. There isn't much in-between. Not a lot of friends-with-benefits or casual dating relationships. Usually either courtship or drunken coitus are your two options. However, the women are spectacularly beautiful, and in spite of what you might think, it isn’t too hard to land one in the sack - just as long as you promise to take them to church the next day. I imagine Tech girls to be a lot easier to get to know Biblically, and a lot less inhibited, when you really get to know them. "Getting your guns up" probably has all sorts of meanings in that respect. If the photos posted on DiscoTech! are any indication, Tech has an endowment in hotties that rivals that of The B.

Tech Beauties: Finger-Lickin' Good

Bond:
As we've illustrated in our yearbook posts, the campus has long been littered with the broken hearts of morally weak men...it's by no means a function of what any one person or group of people did to cause it -it's just a dominant trait in the school's genetic code. When I first arrived at Tech I was in a veritable Candyland - it would be similar to taking Coach Mangino to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Palace. I would say that while I was at Tech your ability to hook up with a Greek girl was directly correlated to whether or not you were Greek. Although, even in the short time I was there the "status" of Greek life was beginning to fade as the PC/anti-hazing crowd was moving quickly to eradicate any semblance of Southern Greek tradition. Most of the girls at Tech were promiscuous and were happily "yours" as long as you promised to take them to the Midnight Rodeo on Thursday night so they could find a new hook-up.

Whiskey Drinkin'

Red:

Thanks to a long tradition of off-campus drinking since the 1950s, Baylor is surprisingly like many state schools in the amount of keggers, frat parties (Edward 40-Hands comes to mind), and jello shootings at local bars. While we are Baptists (at least half of us are) and come from a teetotaling tradition, the flip side is that there is a unacknowledged, but un-checked culture of tailgating, boozin' and wasting away again in Margaritaville. It sure would be nice to have a bar in the student union, like at UT, but we take what they give us and Waco is a very easy place to drink if you are underage and adventurous. You can drink in the public parks here and can buy alcohol at H-E-B until midnight and at the bars until 2am. I've heard some horror stories about Lubbock being pretty dry. Are y'all still able to get the necessary provisions for making the right type of bad decisions?

Tech Cheerleaders Know How To Party

Bond:
Some would say the bad decisions started the day we "committed" to go to Tech. Tech is strict about not having any alcohol on campus. So, no bar in the UCor University Center which would be the same as your Student Union ("Student Union" is so Labor Party). That's no biggie, though because all you have to do is cross four lanes of traffic and a median across University Ave and you have your choice of cirrhosis delivery tools. The dorms also make every effort to keep the premises alcohol free. At some point though, the University has to trust that the Resident Assistant on your floor is also a good policeman. But when your RA is loaning you his dolly to bring kegs up the stairwell and fronting you the keg deposit -let's just say your freshman year is all about seeing how high you can get your alcohol tolerance. And the Strip is only a few miles out of town - and while there's something to be said for the neighborhood package store, I gotta tell you – walking into Bob's warehouse of unlimited alcoholic delights is an outstanding Vegas-like experience.

Aggies

Red:
One thing we both have in common is our mutual hatred for those Ags. I'm not sure why you Techies hate them so much, but for us, its kinda like the Hatfields and McCoys. We've been playing them since 1899 and they just haven't grown on us since then. A brawl in the stands in the 1920s led to a dead Aggie, which suspended our "rivalry" for 5 years and relations haven't improved much since then. Something about their ridiculous traditions, hatred of knowledge, and overall belligerence just rubs us the wrong way. Who in their right mind would want to attend a school so backward in so many ways? We wish we had the record y'all have had against the Ags recently. It sure must feel good to take it to those chumps.

Texas Coeds Gone Wild!

Bond:
I think we join the general population of America when it comes to bagging on Aggies. Going to college should be that time in your life when you're exposed to different ideas, thoughts and experiences. You're free to confirm your beliefs or to change your mind at any time. Aggies seem to revel in their perceived superiority and the fact that their traditions border on Jonestownian doesn't seem to register in their closed mind. I think that the modern generation of Raiders thoughts about the Aggies were confirmed when they broke the leg of Rodney Allison on 1977. I have posted pics from our yearbook that reveal that the Aggies were defacing school monuments as early as 1969, though. Aggies have some to the DiscoTech! and said "All you talk about is the Aggies - every post is about us." This reveals three things about them in my opinion:
1. Megalomania
2. They need an abacus or something
3. They continue to make themselves easy targets.

GuyMo vs. Mike "The Pirate" Leach

Red:
Leach is a badass pirate sent by the football gods to give endless material to bloggers and West Texans. I would give my first born son for Leach to coach at Baylor. Right now our basketball coach, Scott Drew, could probably have squeaked out a conference win this season, and he's never won a road game in four years at the B. GuyMo is on his way out and everyone knows it. He showed us that we could muster a win or three in conference, but not much else. Its time for us to move in another direction – Mike Singletary, maybe. Perhaps we could convince that defensive coordinator at Alabama to come coach for us - wait, that's Kevin Steele. Dammit.

Good Things Come in Threes

Bond:
Do you really grasp the comedy that would be Coach Leach in Waco?!? First, he's a Mormon. He's as much admitted that he has religious discipline issues, so I don't think he's made it to sacred sanitary napkin status. Rumors used to be quite persistent that he was a drunk - although I think those have died down as people realize that he just talks that way all the time. He absolutely LOVES the press, especially when it's about him - so being as close as you are to Austin and DFW would only allow him more outlets/opportunities to be on YouTube. With Scott Drew in the same building - there could be some really lively religious topics discussed between those two. As we've mentioned on the blog we're just confused. We've come to expect certain things and have become victims of our own success. Coach Leach has elevated the program's status and the team hasn't delivered. We hold out hope that the youth of the team will serve us well next year and that maybe we can get a "name" defensive coordinator during the spring. Kevin Steele you say? Hmmmm. No thanks. We are glad that we have found our interweb doppelganger in BearMeat and raise a tumbler of Woodford Reserve on the rocks, unsullied by cola products, to you. Cheers.

Gunder Thorson Presents: Baylor Boyz

2007-10-31T08:59:00.000-06:00

I always knew that Gunder Thorson was special. When we first, ahem, abducted Intern Thorson from a mildewed basement in the suburbs of Chicago, our plan was to treat him like all the other male interns. Low wages, meager tips, Amiga 1000s, scraps thrown from the "Table of Fists and Feasts," chewed pen caps, dried up hi-liters, and Ziggy scrapbooks...to name a few of the perks of being a BearMeat intern.

King GuyMo interviewing for the head coaching position at Prairie View A&M

However, Gunder turned out be something very special. He pampered us. We would rise from our plush beds to delicious coffees, a tablespoon of Rebel Yell for each Editor, fresh meats and berries, and of course Gunder's specialty, bagels with goat cheese and smoked eels (delivered daily from the Baltic Sea, mind you). We couldn't chew this one up and throw out the 13th floor. We had a keeper here.

Gunder: "My early years were difficult. My lips attracted many sex."

So it is with no great surprise that Gunder's research during the wee hours of this fine Halloween would turn up some BearMeaty Madness. What we have here are some young and virile Baylor Boyz. Nothing like getting crunk, taking some HGH, and celebrating a boring Red Sox World Series Championship. This video has the following: slow motion, violence, young boys grabbing each other, broken doors, a dude named Cheece, a meaty ass crack, Jonathan Papelbon if he went to Baylor.

(Please Lord, for the sake of BearMeat's advertising budget, let this be actual Baylor baseball players)

The Round Up: No Gotham Bowl Gems

2007-10-31T06:19:00.000-06:00

Hoping to follow up our Gotham Bowl coverage with some tidbits from the Baylor Round Up from that year, we sent an intern (Gunder Thorson, that poor bastard) into the BearMeat Library to retrieve the 1961-62 edition of the Baylor Round Up (our annual). The coverage of the Gotham Bowl included no fanfare or photos, so we were a bit disappointed. However, Gunder did point out a few photos worth sharing with our readers. Thanks to DiscoTech!'s Bond J. Bond for this idea. Look for our in-depth conversation with DiscoTech! on BearMeat tomorrow.

Just Two Red-Blooded Baylor Boys Doing Manly Things

The Baylor Bruin Havin' a DP. Must have been 10, 2 or 4

Gunder, hoping not to disappoint us too badly, then pulled out the yearbook from 1949, which featured Baylor's first bowl game, the Dixie Bowl! It featured the Baptists of Baylor University against the Baptists of Wake Forrest. It yielded a few hilarious cartoons. Enjoy!

The Battle of the Baptists

What's Up With The Mascot Casualties and Fatalities?

The B: 1961 Gotham Bowl Champs!

2007-10-30T08:59:00.000-06:00

The Gotham Bowl: Our Greatest Post-Season Triumph

The Gotham Bowl was a short-lived bowl game held for only two years in the early 1960s. The game was hosted at in NYC at the now-defunct Polo Grounds for its inagural game, then at Yankee Stadium for its final game the following year. The Wikipedia entry cites the cold weather and the lack of fan support and ticket revenue as two reasons why the Gotham Bowl failed to sustain as a viable annual bowl. Now, thanks to the good people at Congress Clothing (located next to Scruffy Murphy's on Speight), Baylor fans can relive the 1961 Gotham Bowl victory with a commemorative/ironic t-shirt celebrating that glorious day in December for only $24! Here is the link to their Gotham Bowl t-shirt. In our first meeting with Utah State, we trounced those "Big Blue Aggies" 24 to 9. Sic 'em, Bears! I love NY!

This could be you, clad in your Gotham Bowl t-shirt and ready to impress some English-major-coeds from Plano with your use of the word "post-structuralism" over a few pints at the Dancing Bear Pub

LOCAL CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT UPDATE! WacoTrib hearthrob reporter Emily Ingram sported a Gotham Bowl t-shirt long before BearMeat made them famous. Thanks to Wendy Does Waco for the tip.

Em: Will marriage dull her distinctive Wacofabulous style?

GRE Analogy Time: This Season is . . .

2007-10-28T17:22:00.000-06:00

This [2007 Baylor Football] Season is to the Big 12 South what the Mike Gravel Campaign is to the Democratic Primary.

This Season is to school pride what Eric Schnupp is to Scruffy Murphy's reputation.

This Season is to Guy Morriss' career what Britney's marriage to K-Fed did for hers.

This Season is to Hope what the proposed 70 foot Texas Ranger statue is to Sanity.

This Season is to Michael Machen what Waterloo was to Napoleon.

This Season is to the BearMeat Editorial Board what the Curse of the Bambino was to Boston.

Please, feel free to add your own analogies in the comments section.

Bear vs. Wildcat, Part 3: Farewell to a Season

2007-10-27T22:09:00.000-06:00

Presenting Johnny Tusa's future O-Line Coach

Last year BearMeat gave up on the season with three games to go. Shawn Bell was injured during a crucial 4th quarter possession in the 2006 Battle of the Brazos against A&M in front of the largest crowd in Floyd Casey history. The injury precluded our bowl hopes and the chance of winning another game. After that it was three games to go with Blizzle Szyzzle at the helm against Oklahoma, OSU, and Tech. The situation this season is eerily similar to last season, so we will have to order double our weekly shipment of Rebel Yell and call back our nubile interns from their Semester at Sea on Lake Waco. We will now delve deep into the pleasures of the flesh, awaiting the end of this season the way Ted Nugent awaits his annual M-16 hunt of "The Most Dangerous Game" in Cameron Park (usually an unlucky inmate from McLennan County Jail is the prey of The Great White Hunter).

"Ref, can't we just call this game now, just like they used to in Little League? Show some mercy, for God's sake."

We could make jokes about how GuyMo put three different QBs in the game during the first half of play or about how Machen's senior leadership proved a bust, or about how Weed failed to take the Bears higher, or about how Blizzle Szyzzle regained his starting spot. We could make plenty of jokes, but we're sick of making jokes about how terrible our team is. Thank God Texas Tech (also reeling from humiliating defeats) is next week. We expect much love from Disco Tech!, Double T Nation and the Classless Clowns (who just don't give a damn). Other than that, expect a hell of a lot less football coverage and plenty of bitterness, despair and self-loathing.

We won't dignify this loss with a passage from the Scriptures. We will however leave you with an incredible WacoTrib Photo Gallery of a man who took a losing program and turned it into a conference champion.

Grant Teaff Speaks: The Em Zone Interview

2007-10-26T15:53:00.000-06:00

"Give me wisdom and knowledge, that I may lead this people, for who is able to govern this great people of yours?" 2 Chronicles 1:10

The Em Zone just went from being a light-hearted romp into the heart of Baylor football culture to a Pulitzer-quality journalistic endeavor. Emily Ingram's interview of Grant Teaff is NOT TO BE MISSED, if you give a damn at all about Baylor football. Here is the link to the interview (Part 1, so far!).

The Coach & The Hearthrob

Coach Teaff opens up on how he became the coach at Baylor, how low the expectations were ("Don't embarass us") and how pitiful the facilities were. Before Teaff came to The B, football was in a sorry state of affairs. Just like today. Perhaps all we need is that one man, who refuses to accept defeat and keeps pushing his team until they win. Teaff also reveals his difficult emotional struggle with watching Baylor lose so badly since the mid-1990s. Teaff on Baylor's losing seasons: "Do I hurt? Yes. Is it sometims embarrasing? Extremely."

"My Goals are alot higher than that."

Congratulations to Trib reporter Emily Ingram, for landing and conducting a timely interview with a living legend. God bless Baylor. Sic 'em, Bears!

"When the righteous triumph, there is great elation." Proverbs 28:12

Bear vs. WildCat, Part 2: A Pair of Untamed WildCats

2007-10-26T05:32:00.000-06:00

BearMeat is nothing if not a blog of memories and mammaries. Sometimes, an opponent is best sized up by a thorough analysis of their teats. Some of you (about 17) will recognize a few of the following photos from last year. If that is the case, you are entitled to the BearMeat HardMeat Award, for outstanding dedication to a blog of whimsy and satire in the face of the crushing weight of the world outside the internets. With that, we present the following three examples of WildCat Boobs!

Two WildCats On the Loose in the Little Apple

K-State's Answer to Brock? A Poor Imitation Indeed

The First Boob: A Yale Cheerleader on Varsity?

If this post didn't quite satisfy your longing for satire, we point you to a few recent conversations we've had with other blogs, who interviewed BearMeat for a few chuckles and for the inevitable advertising revenue bump that such an interview generates.

Burnt Orange Nation Interview of BearMeat. Sample from the interview:

"Referring to the Baylor Running Game is like referring to Czechoslovakia - it is no longer in existence. Thanks to our new pass-happy offense (an offense which we don't have the talent or coaches to run effectively), the running game has been subject to starvation-level stats and felony-level neglect."

Bring on the Cats Interview of BearMeat. Sample from the interview:

"Wherever two or more college football fans are gathered, painting their chests and tanking up on booze before a game, Brock is in the midst of them. Wherever someone is pouring a bit too much Ranch dressing on his pizza, Brock is there. Wherever Baylor is getting blown out by a weak conference opponent, Brock is there. Wherever fans seek some shred of dignity and hope in a losing effort, Brock is there."

K-Stated (Wichita Eagle's KSU Blog) Essay by BearMeat. [Its now online. -Eds.] Sample from the essay:

"Lately our creed has been "Embrace the Absurdity" - revel in the bizarre twist of fate that has led us to the current state of affairs. No, we won't compete for a bowl any time soon, but our assistant coaches will add levity with their unique pub urination customs and zany Texas Tech-style offense."

Finally, how could we let an opportunity go by without giving a shoutout to the greatest K-State fan of them all; a man whose artistic vision puts him on the outer fringe of digital college football fandom, CHUM: The Michelangelo of the Little Apple. Here is a beautiful sample of his work from the critically-acclaimed CatLab Project (similar to Los Alamos, but a bit more explosive and ground-breaking). Enjoy.

The Power of CatLab

Your Daily Green 'n' Golden Nugget

2007-10-25T12:54:00.000-06:00

Here ye, here ye, here ye! The following notice is an important update regarding the "What happened to Grandpa?" Sweepstakes.

Let it be known that on this fine Thursday afternoon at approximately 2:30 in the afternoon, the BearMeat SportsBook located in the southwest corner of the 13th floor of the Alico Building will be updating its odds board. Newly uncovered information straight from the mouth of offensive coordinator Lee "Sniper" Hays has forced our crack staff of interns to change the betting odds on why Mike Machen was unavailable for the first half of the season.

Lee Hays sez...

On Mike becoming the new QB:
"Mike has always been an option in rain or bad weather because he can wrap his whole hand around my head."

And that's a big freaking head, folks. So what does this mean for the boards? Well it very much drops the odds of Machen having gonorrhea from 5/2 all the way to 7/1. We are now convinced that "Grandpa" Machen suffers from Acromegaly. The same disease that brought down "The Eighth Wonder of the World" aka Andrè the Giant.

Let's compare.

The Baltimore Orioles will ruin your life.

Ok, so let's get today's final board up for you to place your wagers. BearBucks and the Sudanese Dinar will not be accepted as their current inflation rates render them useless; however, K-State Cat Cash Cards are permissible due to our upcoming trip up the the Little Apple. Feel free to chime in if you have any insider info.

Acromegaly - 3/2
Gonorrhea - 7/1
King GuyMo - 20/1
Mobile, AL - 35/1
Gout - 80/1

I'll take two racks of beef ribs and one corn fed white woman, please.

Baylor Beats #3 USC! (in 1985)

2007-10-25T07:03:00.000-06:00

Thanks to "Baylorfan" for uploading beaucoup Baylor-related videos into Youtube, including this gem: the Grant Teaff Show following the victory over #3 USC in 1985. You may want to watch this video to reassure yourself that Baylor was once a formidible opponent, a bowl contender, and a program that was greatly respected. [The clip is 9 min long.]

Counterpoint: An Open Poem to the Citizens of Waco

2007-10-24T11:48:00.000-06:00

[What follows is Guvn'r Pat's sincere plea to his fellow Wacoans and triumphant return from weeks of sobriety in Abilene. The horror...the horror. -Eds.]

Waco needs a 70 foot Texas Ranger statue. I for one believe that there are many reasons Waco could use this very tall, and might I say....statuesque, mustachioed man.

I shall express my feelings poetically.

Sonnets from the Wacoan

How do I want thee tall Man? Let me divulge.
I want thee to point your large gun towards the West
So that my soul may know the way to Bad Bear Liquor at all times.
I want thee to point your "other" large gun towards the ground,
As we are a God-fearing city without displays of public affection.
I want thee to have an equally large spittoon near thy boots
So I can gleefully watch the Townies swim and prance
In the midst of your salacious Red Man juice.
I want thee to sport buttless chaps,
So that I-35 drivers may ride horny and distracted,
In hopes that traffic violations may swell the city's coffers.
I want thee to be an Audio-Animatronic,
Spouting out the history of our fair city,
With a booming yet lilting voice,
Whilst educating the Templetons, the Beltonians,
The Martians, the Marlins, the Walburgers,
And the Russians of Austin.
I want thee! Oh how I need thee
As a distraction to this football season,
As a distraction for our new psychotic, possibly sociopathic,
Starting quarterback, Mike "Keep Waco Wacko" Machen,
Mmmm, I say your name and think of maple syrup and bacon.
How do I love me some me?
How do I love me some John David Weed?

"I enjoy babies. And poetry."

This concludes our time together. Let us end with some encouraging words from our fearless leader, King GuyMo.

That leads to the logical question: Where the heck was Machen for the first seven games of the season?

Morriss' answer: None of your business. "It's something I don't care to talk about in public," he said.

"People who aren't around this team don't know what's going on," Morriss added. "All they see is Saturday.

"There are some good reasons why it's taken this long (for Machen to emerge). The important thing is he's got the reins right now, his teammates believe in him, we believe in him, and we're going to back him. That's really all I need to say about that."

Sic 'em and let the speculations begin. I've got $10 on gonorrhea with 5/2 odds.

An Open Letter to the Citizens of Waco

2007-10-24T09:07:00.001-06:00

[What follows is Red Andrews sincere plea to his fellow Wacoans and is not a work of satire. -Eds.]

The proposed statue of the 70 foot tall Texas Ranger located on the banks of the Brazos at I-35 will be detrimental to Waco's reputation and economy, further linking the popular (and wrong-headed) notion that Waco is truly "wacko."

Big Tex 2.0: "Welcome to Crazy Town, Texas!"

The first problem with this statue is its size and location and what that will mean. Most people encounter our city not through the media, but passing through on I-35. While the proponents of this idea believe that is precisely why the statue would be perfect, I contend that this will only solidify the perception of Waco as eccentrically rooted in the past and prone to violence. For those of us who spend time trying to convince others that Waco is not a strange place, but possesses enormous assets and is actually a great place to live, this statue will be an irrefutable counter-argument. The City of Waco and Waco Chamber have been working hard to counter these negative perceptions of Waco by re-branding Waco as a modern city not out of step with the mainstream. The Waco We Do campaign and the Downtown Waco revitalization projects would both be threatened by this statue. Will businesses really consider locating to Waco if, when their executives are driven in from the airport, they are baffled by the presence of a 70 foot cowboy?

Huntsville's Houston: How City Council Envisions Big Tex 2.0

Secondly, this statue will dwarf the positive landmarks along I-35 and will lay exclusive claim to being the symbol of Waco. Currently, when driving through Waco, one sees the spires of Baylor University and the ALICO building. Neither of these suggest that Waco is a "wild" or "untamed" place as does a statue of a man with a gun. The Texas Ranger Museum and Hall of Fame is a great asset for this city and it has helped to contribute to the tourist economy in Waco. However, the Texas Ranger Museum should not lay exclusive claim to our city's identity. If the statue were reduced to 20 to 30 feet high it would not be such a potent symbol of our city. While we are proud of the Texas Rangers, they do not define who we are, nor should a 70 foot statue be erected to celebrate their museum here. By this logic, we should have a 70 foot high statue of Michael Johnson outside the Texas Sports Hall of Fame or a 70 foot high statue of a Mammoth outside the Discovery Center. This statue will be more than an attraction; it will be a symbol of our city.

Monroe, Ohio's Jesus: How Big Tex 2.0 Will Be Perceived

Finally, while the Texas Rangers are an institution that we all can be proud of, their mixed legacy (to put it lightly) of abuses against the African American and Mexican American communities in Texas, does not seem to fit with a city whose non-white population is 50%. The 70 foot statue of Sam Houston is not located in downtown Huntsville. That statue is an embodiment of the spirit of Huntsville, since he lived there and made it his home. A statue right downtown of an abstract, generalized Texas Ranger serves no civic purpose besides attracting visitors off the highway out of sheer disbelief.

Exactly the type of shame and parody this will invite

The Texas Ranger as a general symbol is not who Waco is and a 70 foot statue of a Texas Ranger is an impediment to where this city is going. I would ask that the citizens of Waco contact the City Council members and the Texas Ranger Museum to oppose this idea.

Sincerely,

Red Andrews

Senior Editor, BearMeat

Waco Resident and Baylor alumni

Email: President.Andrews@gmail.com

Bear vs. WildCat, Part 1: Interview with Bring on the Cats

2007-10-22T14:03:00.000-06:00

[We are pleased to share a recent interview with TB of Bring on the Cats as part of our game preview of the upcoming bout with the Kansas State Wildcats. TB's blog is one of the premiere Big12 blogs - updated frequently, great analysis, and hilarious coverage. We hope you enjoy our conversation as much as we did. Be sure to check out his blog for his interveiw of BearMeat. - Eds.]

BearMeat: Chum's videos. What are your impressions of his work and how he is received as an artist in the Little Apple?

Bring on the Cats: I haven't really watched many of the videos. The first few were, interesting, but then school started up for me and I didn't have time to keep up with all the new work out of the Catlab. I have to give Chum his due, he knows how to make YouTube videos, placing him far ahead of me in technological know-how. As for his reception in the Little Apple, I don't really know for sure, but nobody asked me about it in Aggieville two weeks ago. For the record, nobody asked me about Bring On The Cats, either.

Chum's latest: Play Like a What?

BM: The KU v KSU rivalry is getting good in both sports now. What are the primary differences in student culture and institutional identity between KSU and KU? (Is KSU the "Texas A&M" of Kansas? Is KU the UC-Berkeley?)

BOTC: Relative to each other, K-State is the more Kansas-centric school, having a higher percentage of Kansas natives among its student population. In fact, if you discount Johnson County (KC suburb) which is only a quasi-Kansas entity, the gap widens further. At KU, you are probably more likely to meet someone from Chicago than someone from Cimarron, truly making it the flagship university of Kansas.

As to the K-State/A&M comparison, it's probably fairly accurate. I've said before that, minus a Corps of Cadets and about 25,000 students, K-State has a lot of A&M characteristics--remote location, emphasis on agricultural and engineering programs, great love for anyone whose last name is Bush, etc. (links here and here).

Now I may get in trouble for this, but KU is not the UC-Berkeley of Kansas. It's not the Wisconsin-Madison of Kansas. When it comes to crazy counterculture schools and their towns, KU/Lawrence can't even hold a candle to Texas/Austin. Sure, the town and its residents fought against slavery, but that was 150 years ago.

Portrait of the Blogger as a cross-eyed abolitionist

BM: What does it feel like to beat Texas two years in a row? Can you make it three years? How easy is it to give Colt McCoy a concussion?

BOTC: As a Texas resident, beating UT two years in a row is a wonderful feeling, because no matter how bad the rest of the season goes--*cough/gag* losing to KU and Oklahoma State *cough/gag*--nobody in burnt orange can say anything to me. For those still living back in the promised land, it's probably muted because the only Texas fans they know are t-shirt fans who just latched on to the team with a steer as its mascot.

As for making it three years, I would say it's doubtful, but then again I thought it was doubtful we would win either of the games the last two years. By the time we play them again, Josh Freeman will have graduated and we'll be relying on Ron Prince's recruits and his assistant coaches' ability to get those recruits ready. No idea how well that's going to work.

BM: Ron Prince. Give your honest assessment.

BOTC: Ron Prince has been a better hire than I ever thought he'd be. He's a good spokesman for our university and has turned around a program that was fast sinking toward irrelevancy, going 4-7 and 5-6 the two years before he took the helm. If he wins seven or eight games this year and puts us in a decent mid-tier bowl game, I will consider that decent progress given the difficulty of the schedule.

Now for the bad. He doesn't run the ball, even when it's working. That's not necessarily all bad if the passing game is working, but it doesn't lead to ball-control and exposes the defense to fatigue. He doesn't get consistent effort out of his team from week-to-week. He has lost to KU twice. That trend alone, if it continues, will ensure he won't be around very long.

Overall, I'm content for now. These teams are a lot more fun to watch than Bill Snyder's last two teams, but we all realize we're not back to 1998, or even 2003. We'd like to see that again.

"Wildcat" was written in an obsolete vernacular

BM: Josh Freeman. Give us your honest assessment.

BOTC: Josh Freeman is growing up in front of our eyes. Last year, loyal denizens of the B saw Freeman's first real game action, and you could tell he was a fish out of water--or maybe a Wildcat out of Manhattan--when he tossed three terrible interceptions. Last weekend, he threw for 400+ yards and three touchdowns, his best game to date. He finally has more touchdown passes than interceptions on the year. His progression has gone from wide-eyed freshman to competent game-manager. Now he's moving toward difference-maker status, with games like he had last Saturday. It's time to start doing that against the better defenses, consistently.

Weed: Freeman's "Country Cousin"

Oh, and GuyMo could probably take a page out of Ron Prince's book when it comes to choosing a quarterback. Instead of having a five-ring circus, just run off all the quarterbacks you don't want and stick with the one you do want. Hell (heck, sorry), it's worked so far!

Here's to a good game Saturday. Can't wait for my next trip to lovely Waco for the basketball showdown this winter. I'm sure I will be one among many of the national media descdending on the town on the Brazos for such a newsworthy event.

BU Football: "The horror, the horror . . . "

Baptist Jokes!

2007-10-21T20:07:00.000-06:00

Readers,

By now you probably want some assessment on whether Machen is actually a better QB than Blyzzle. GuyMo seems pleased with him, as does the WacoTrib's Jerry Hill and the Baylor Lariat's Will Parchman. However, 3 INTs does not a conference win make. Yes, his leadership skills were superior to Szyzzle's, but what does it matter? Do your really want to line up your turds and see which is shiniest? Neither dudes are turds per se, but with the system, coaching and talent we have, a conference win before GuyMo is executed, er, terminated, would be a damn miracle.

"Old Man" Machen & Dead Man Walkin'

Instead of speculating endlessly about why we "suck so bad" (overheard at FCS on Saturday), let's try to share some Southern Baptist jokes to lighten things up in Baylordom. Here are our three submissions, taken from the Tidwell Babel Building Big Book of Baptist Jokes. Please leave your best Baptist joke(s) in the comments section.

Baptist Joke #1

Q: "Why do you have to take two Baptists with you when you go fishing?"

A: "If you bring only one, he'll drink all your beer."

Baptist Joke #2

Q: "Why don't Baptists make love standing up?"

A: "Because people might think they are dancing."

Baptist Joke #3

Jews don't recognize Jesus, Protestants don't recognize the Pope, and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

Don't forget to tip your waitresses. We'll be here all night. Thank you.

Bear vs. Cow, Part 3: Three Quarters of Competitive Football

2007-10-20T21:40:00.000-06:00

Colt McCoy Will Sex You Up, LongHorny Style

Three quarters of excellent defensive football. Our defense has been the one shiny spot on the unpolished turd of the 2007 season. If only we had a QB or 5 who could run the spread offense and a receiver or three that could catch crucial passes. That and a running game that isn't solely a tax write off for Baylor. We'd love to wax philosophic about how the first three quarters were hope-filled and beautiful, but the 4th quarter was enough to make us forget about the best three quarters of Big12 football that we've played so far this year. Damn, I can't believe we still have four more games to play. This season could not end any sooner than right now. As such, we present a photo montage, which includes an amazing sequence of photos emailed to us by Brock's friend John, who has been fighting the good fight this season: taking on the sins of the unbelievers on their backs as they paint their bodies and cheer their lungs out.

"We pledge allegiance to David Gettis"

Darth Bayor Embraces the Absurdity

Crying Green & Gold Tears

Brock: The Once & Future King

Just Like Robin Hood & Little John

The Crew: Representin' the 2-5-4

Brock's Tats: God, State, Alma Mater

Brock's Tanline: The Permanent "B"

UT Football: More Cons Than Pros

Not Even Spiderman Can Stop Colt McCoy

Bear vs. Cow, Part 2: The Curse of Shawn Bell's Premature Hand Gesture

2007-10-19T15:36:00.000-06:00

Thanks to our Oso Amigo (we'll always have Stillwater) Andrew Wiseman over at Colonial Hoops for alerting us to this pathetic news item from the Sporting News. Apparently, Texas is digging deep for motivation for tomorrow's game and has settled upon Shawn Bell's now-infamous "Horns Down/Saw 'em off" hand gesture, following a first-play-of-the-game 80-yard TD strike to Trent Shelton. While we did score more points on Texas that game that any other team had prior during the 2006 season, perhaps Bell's enthusiasm was a bit premature. Maybe he was just celebrating the fact that GuyMo gave him the starting spot over kleptomaniac and part-time tight end Terrance Parks, whose performance against UT the previous year was a special kind of ass-whoopin'.

"Surely, such taunting will intimidate the 'Horns."

Will the ShortHorns truly use Bell's disrespectful hand signal as a motivational tool to defeat the worst team in the Big12? Do they really need motivation? Is it possible that we could "fall on our sword" and forfeit the rest of the season rather than face certain shame, humiliation and emasculation? In case you'd like a recap of the miraculous 1st Quarter from last year's game, here is the youtube of the finest quarter of Baylor-Texas football since 1997.

Schnupp's Sprinkle, Day 5: Schnupp Resigns

2007-10-19T02:32:00.000-06:00

Well, its official, according to numerous sources, including the WacoTrib, Schnupp resigned from his position as assistant coach. Sorry to see him go, to be quite honest. I guess the bar-pissing was just too big a story and GuyMo's career is just too much in jeapordy for that to have been swept under the rug. Poor guy. We'll always have our MS Paint memento of that fateful deed.

Bear vs. Cow, Part 1: The Burnt Orange Nation Interview

2007-10-18T14:06:00.000-06:00

As a part of our historic blog alliance agreement with Burnt Orange Nation we have swapped interviews with each other for the 97th meeting of our schools. While I like to remind Peter that Grant Teaff was 10-11 against Texas during his tenure at Baylor, and he likes to thank Baylor for the 1997 win which brought MacBrown to Austin, this is no rivalry. Let's not kid ourselves. Baylor will lose and lose bad. We can only hope that Texas will let us keep our dignity. What follows is a brief conversation with Peter Bean of Burnt Orange Nation. Click here for Burnt Orange Nation's interview of BearMeat, which is now live on the interweb.

BearMeat: How many Longhorn fans will be at Floyd Casey on Saturday? Why do they come to Waco to watch a ritual slaughter? How drunk and belligerent will they be?

Burnt Orange Nation: Per usual, I'm sure a little more than half the crowd at Floyd Casey will be clad in burnt orange. Why do they come? I'll give you my best guess as to the top five reasons:

5. Getting tickets to watch the Horns in Waco is far easier than getting tickets to watch 'em play in Austin.

4. The football season in Austin is a four-month binge of hedonistic partying, cursing, and swearing off God. Or at the least, that God's gone to Nashville. Best, then, to make the trip to Waco to purge a little, y'know?

3. There are far more hot Baylor girls than there are cool Baylor guys; such an imbalance requires outside intervention.

2. The game with Baylor usually comes soon after a stinging defeat and damnit, we're optimists. Nothing like a trip to the Casey to renew your vows to the 'Horns.

1. We know our chances of running into the Mulk in Austin are pretty slim...

We'll Bring the White Girls, If You Bring the Bourbon

BM: Colt McCoy. Give us your honest assessment.

BON: Colt McCoy seems to be one of those rare athletes who's easy both to overrate and underrate. As is usually the case, the truth is somewhere between the fanboy love and glass-is-empty pessimists. He's definitely a far better playmaker than a lot of people realize, but the one area that I'm concerned with right now is his arm strength and accuracy on the deep ball. Texas' offense could be a bit of a paper tiger if Colt and Greg Davis don't figure out how to stretch the field with the vertical passing game better.

BM: Greatest Baylor v. UT memory (regardless of sport).

BON: For a close second place, I have to go with the BON Waco hoops road trip last spring. But my favorite Waco memory was of course 1997, which put the final nail in Mssr Mackovic's coffin. Did I ever buy you a drink for that? Remind me next time I'm in town. [He did not. We will remind him. - Eds.]

Two CEOs: Goofus & Gallant

BM: Who will win the Big12 and why?

BON: In a one game playoff like the Big 12 championship, anything can happen, so I'll take a stab at who the participants might be.

South: In order of likelihood, I think it's Oklahoma, Texas Tech, Texas, Texas A&M, Oklahoma State, Baylor. Honestly, the Red Raiders are this conference's most intriguing team at the moment, but they absolutely had to win that game in Stillwater.

North: In order of likelihood, I think it's Kansas, Missouri, Kansas State, Colorado, Nebraska, Iowa State. Oddly, it's one of the more interesting divisions in college football this year. Kansas is undefeated, Missouri's got one of the best offenses in the country, and Kansas State and Colorado each have a marquis win over a South power. Should be fun to watch unfold.

Bring Me the Head of . . . Guy Morriss?

2007-10-18T06:05:00.001-06:00

BearMeat Meets GuyMo - An Intern Photo-Op

Well, the absolutely pathetic performance of our Bears this year (three 400-yd passing games notwithstanding), combined with Schnupp's Sprinkle, may have accelerated GuyMo's termination by about a year. BearMeat has refused to weigh in on the issue, refusing to side with the Singletarians, the Anyone But Morriss crowd, or the Pollyannas/Theocons who are deeply invested in Morriss' tenure. However, the blowout losses to A&M, Colorado and Kansas indicate that the era of competitive GuyMo football is over, with no real prospects for the future. For the last year or more, the Singletarians have made a strong case, though he has no head coaching experience, let alone recruiting experience. If hired, Samurai Mike would have one giant turd to polish, which won't be hard considering our school's speciality is in shining up fecal matter until it shines like a diamond.

What got our attention today was the Dean of Texas Political Journalism, Paul Burka of Texas Monthly, has it on high authority that GuyMo is out and the Minister of Defense is in. Here is the post on the TX Monthly sports blog, Delay of Game, and here is what he had to say:

Wrong Guy
posted by Paul Burka at 11:50 PM
I heard this today from a well connected Baylor source: Football coach Guy Morriss is a goner. The new Baylor coach will be former Bears (Baylor and Chicago) standout Mike Singletary.

Oh yeah, don't we play Texas this week? I haven't heard of this team before. Do you think we might have a chance to rack up 400 meaningless yards against them? I sure need to do some research on just what type of strengths this program possesses.

Around the Quad: Madness on the Brazos

2007-10-17T14:30:00.000-06:00

Today, two news items seem to compound the reputations of Baylor and Waco as truly bizarre. The only way to deal with them is by bringing our readers the real scoop from around the Burelson Quadrangle.

1. Giant 70-foot Statue of a Texas Ranger to be Erected Along I-35. Seriously. The WacoTrib reports that the same sculptor who designed the 70ft statue of Sam Houston on I-45 in Huntsville is going to do Waco a solid and help boost our profile with an enormous cowboy statue where I-35 crosses the Brazos: The Texas Ranger Hall of Fame Museum. This is such an absurd news item that it is beyond comprehension. Wendy brought this to our attention, the Waco City Council approved the idea, and, quite frankly, we can't help but support it 100%. Waco is finally embracing its true nature: the wildest, weirdest city in Texas. Let us celebrate who we are and what we do best: we don't give a damn and we want everything covered in Ranch Dressing. Also, we love big statues, guns and Our Lord. The WacoTrib envisioned what this sight will look like.

BigTex 2.0: "Justice For All. Except Messicans, of course."

The comments section of the WacoTrib articles as of late, especially the Schunpp scandal and the Texas Ranger Statue, have been hilarious. The only thing comparable is the comment section after Ted Nugents column in the Trib, which bring out some of the highest-minded opinions of our citizenry. Here is a sample reaction to our 70-ft LawMan:

By anon
Oct 17, 2007 12:10 PM
Oh. My. God. The whole thing is so ridiculous, it's like something The Onion would have thought up. So when exactly do we get to officially insert the "k" into "Waco"? Because, trust me, that's definitely what a giant Texas Ranger statue says. Maybe next we could go for the biggest ball of twine or make the biggest peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Shoot for the stars Wacko!
By cruz
Oct 17, 2007 1:44 PM
I'm all for getting people to spend money in Waco. A towering statue of a Texas Ranger isn't going to get it done. How about building some new restaurants and clubs along the banks of the Brazos River so people who live here can spend their money here instead of going to Dallas and Austin for concerts and shows. Maybe the Texas Ranger Nightclub would be a more profitable investment. You have to give potential tourists more of a reason to pull over than parking in the shade of "Central Texas's Largest Bird Poop Covered Landmark".
By Wow....
Oct 15, 2007 5:46 PM
I agree with all the negative comments....a 70 ft $800,000 statue is ridiculous!!!! Do you honestly think that would do anything for Waco. Boo this idea! Boo! Boo! This is the stupidest idea, even more idiotic than the Waco We Do thing...are there no truly creative people in Waco...???

2. The 5-Ring QB Circus Is Back in Town. Blyzzle Szyzzle suffered a mild concussion in the game against Kansas (if you can actually call that a game), giving GuyMo good reason to open up his 5-Ring QB circus that was so popular over the summer. If you will remember clearly, the featured attractions are a 27-year old grown man who has played pro baseball, a JuCo transfer with arms of steel and a felonious last name, a singer-songwriter whose file photo suggests he loves cocaine and hittin' the clubs, and a sweet youngster who is enjoying his experience as a freshman. Its been way too long since we've been able to speculate about who will be the starting QB against Texas. Which of these five guys (if you include Blyzzle, who is a maybe for the game) will get the opportunity to get blown out by Texas? Should BearMeat resurrect its John David Weed campaign, or is that played out now? Please, instruct us on how we should deal with the resumption of second-guessing GuyMo's drawn-out QB decision making. Don't worry about responding hastily, we're sure the decision won't be made until 5 min before kickoff.

Behold, A Leader of Men

Schnupp's Sprinkle, Day 3: How to Make a Perfectly Hilarious College Sports Scandal

2007-10-17T06:50:00.000-06:00

[Disclaimer: We of the BearMeat Editorial Board believe that Coach Schnupp's actions, while regretable, are hardly the grounds for termination. We of all people can understand the urge to "whip it out" and piss on Scruffy Murphy's after a devastating loss to Kansas. Perhaps Schnupp's real problem was pissing at a Baylor student bar and not a more adult one like Hemmingway's. - Eds.]

The Eric Schnupp Scruff's Sprinkle Scandal contains all the classic elements of a hilarious college sports scandal. We need to analyze just how this story managed to capture the imaginations of so many in the college football chattering class.

1. A Pathetic Program. Nothing like a sports scandal coming out of a perrenial losing football program like Baylor's. The fact that GuyMo's head is on the chopping block, that we have been blown out in all of our conference games and that Baylor's time in the Big12 has truly been dismal all create a generalized pathetic context for human folly to work its magic. The B's tragedy has become a self-fulfilling prophesy as now players as well as coaches can't help but play the role of the laughable loser.

"Good hustle, Schupp. Way to keep that stream strong."

2. An Errant Knave. Schnupp's credentials as a former Miami lineman having played a stint in the XFL could not have been a more perfect resume for a dude who urinated in a drinking establishment. The added fact that he coached at West Texas A&M seems to add an air of the "wild west" about his actions - as if he was just pissing in the spittoon at a saloon in West Texas. Add to that his cheesy-as-hell photo and resemblance to a viking, you just know from his appearance and background that this guy never had a chance not to piss at that bar. Both nature and nurturer demanded that he unleash his mighty stream onto Scruff's semen-encrusted floor.

"There is no cultural taboo which I have not violated."

3. A Hilarious Foible. Peeing in a public place is pretty damn funny standing on its own, but coupled with the fact that he did it during "last call" with police already at the bar, only 15 feet (at most) from the bathroom following the Bears humiliating defeat to Kansas (the only team in the Big12 against whom we had a winning record in Big12 play) demonstrates just how sad and ridiculous his actions were. The fact that he was standing at the bar pissing and received only a citation instead of being arrested shows that the police had bigger fish to fry at Scruff's that night. We imagine the squad car was full of horny coeds and frat boys whose sheer sense of self-entitlement was violating a few municipal codes. Just the newspaper account of the event basically says it all. "Assistant Coach Urinates on Bar."

4. Plenty of "You Can't Make This Stuff Up" Facts. In addition to being another Baylor scandal located in Waco, Texas, (both suffer from some serious curses), a good hilarious scandal needs a few items to make it even more hilarious, like the following:

The WacoTrib reporter who broke the story moonlights as a bartender at Scruff's. So, had the WacoTrib paid this dude more, he would never have heard from his co-workers that a dude pissed on the bar - no inquiry would have been made into a routine bar pissing. Thank God for low wages and Scruffy Murphy's bartenders.
The quote from the Scruff's bartender was the stuff of Baylor legend: “While we were kicking everybody out, he apparently thought that nobody was looking and whipped it out and (urinated) on the bar,” Severe said. “He tried to deny it, but there was definitely a puddle and there was no one else around him.” You just gotta love that description of those events. Pure gold.

We salute you, Coach Schnupp, for bringing Baylor back into the national spotlight and helping to expand notions of what our school is and to re-define the outer limits of acceptable coaching behavior.

Sic 'em, Bears!

Schnupp's Sprinkle, Day 2

2007-10-16T13:42:00.000-06:00

Looks like ESPN, Matt Mosley, and EDSBS have picked up this humble little story. We would be remiss not to share News 6's heroic coverage of the story:

Asst Football Coach Pisses on Scruffy Murphy's!

2007-10-15T17:44:00.000-06:00

UPDATE: Mugshot

Just when you are looking for a sign of the total despair of GuyMo's coaching staff, the intrepid reporting of the WacoTribune Herald staff saves the day. Tim Woods, a WacoTrib reporter by day and Scruffy Murphy's bartender by night, brings this tale of shame, despair and hilarity. Apparently, Lee Hays' old coaching buddy from their days at West Texas A&M (see the high-caliber coaches we're getting?), Eric Schnupp (Baylor profile), a former XFL player (!!!), got tanked at Scruff's and pissed all over the end of the bar late Saturday night. We'll let the WacoTrib take it from here:

Danny Severe, a bartender at Scruffy Murphy’s, 1226 Speight Ave., said the incident happened around closing time as employees were getting people out of the bar. Schnupp had been drinking for a couple hours, Severe said, when an employee saw Schnupp urinating on one end of the bar. Police officers were already at the bar for an unrelated incident, Severe said. “While we were kicking everybody out, he apparently thought that nobody was looking and whipped it out and (urinated) on the bar,” Severe said. “He tried to deny it, but there was definitely a puddle and there was no one else around him.”

When a story like this breaks, we're not sure whether to be happy there is something other than the outcome on the field to focus on or depressed about the shame of an old-fashioned bar-piss. Either way, it makes for entertaining copy. Thanks to our hordes of interns and special contacts within the Trib organization for alerting us to this whale of a story. So readers, what is the most entertaining sports scandal of the past year: Dave Cunningham's bomb threat? Latara Darret's Cameron Park knife fight? Schnupp's tinkle?

Schnupp: The Art of the Green & Golden Shower

Rearranging Deck Chairs on the Titanic

2007-10-15T11:03:00.000-06:00

The S.S. GuyMo: Full Speed Ahead!

Amidst Baylor Lariat sports editor Will Parchman's call for GuyMo's head, and the persistent booing by the Bear faithful at home games, GuyMo is entertaining the idea of giving singer-songwriter (seriously) walk-on QB Ryan Roberts the nod for the game against Texas, which is a great idea considering that is an excellent opportunity to let an untested QB lead a team over a cliff. Nothing quite like throwing your small child to the wolves when at least your older children are armed with knives. GuyMo possesses the rare ability to turn a bad situation into a worse situation. When life gives you lemons, throw the lemons away. Not happy with your pre-season QB situation? Why not keep your team, coaches, fans and alumni guessing until the season opener? That way, everyone will be extremely confident with your choice, since it was such a long, deliberative process.

GuyMo: "I am the Decider. Blizzle, out. Roberts, in."

Not happy with the way your QB is playing before the toughest game on your schedule? Why not give the only QB on your roster that no one has heard of (and who was not among the 4 QBs in contention for the starting spot) a chance to prove his worth in the game that used to be a rivalry, but has turned into ritualized slaughter? Of course, we could go on and on like this, but why don't we just let Will Parchman take it from here:

Morriss has had five years to recruit, build and mold. His recruiting classes are still mired in the nation’s bottom half. His average recruiting class since his arrival is 79th out of 119 D-I schools. Call it the Baylor factor, but any school should expect better than that, let alone a BCS school.
His inability to recruit quarterbacks has been the scariest part. No Morriss-recruited quarterback has ever won a Big 12 game. Following Baylor’s loss under the lightning Saturday to Kansas, Blake Szymanski is 0-6 as a starter in Big 12 games and last Saturday’s 20-point blowout to Colorado was the closest he’s ever come to winning one. That’s why it appears this Morriss-built program has reached a disappointing plateau. This team is five years in the making. Where is the progress?

Kansas, God Defeat Baylor

2007-10-14T13:03:00.000-06:00

"The rains came down and the floods came up." - The Wiseman Built His House Upon a Rock, Sunday School song
"Thunder and lightning. Very, very frightening." - Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

Well, the Lord is no longer on our side. Apparently the winds and rain now rail against our efforts to secure a conference win. The Fat Man and his Birds defeated our Cubbies, posing the eternal Baylor football question: "When will this season finally be over?" Sadly, next week Texas comes to town, hungry for BearMeat, and looking to make Floyd Casey look like a home game. Apparently GuyMo is sick of hearing his players booed by the home fans, when they should be taking it out on him. Let us make a modest proposal to the Baylor community. Every time a play makes you want to boo, we suggest chanting:

GUYMO, GUYMO, GUYMO!

That way, GuyMo will know that it is with him that the displeasure of the fans lies.

GuyMo: "My 'Cats beat LSU! Why did I leave Kentucky?"

Also, who the hell is "walk-on" QB Ryan Roberts? I thought the pecking order of QBs went like this:

1. Blizzle Szyzzle
2. Tyler Beatty
3. Michael Machen
4. John David Weed (sniff, sniff, sob, sob)
5. Shawn Bell (in case of emergency, break glass)

Apparently the actual lineup goes like this:

1. Blizzle Szyzzle
2. Ryan Roberts
3. Tyler Beatty
4. Darth Baylor
5. Kim Mulkey
6. That little dude who sits in the back of your Sociology class
7. Bill Collins (The Mayor of Sironia)
8. Susie Oliver
9. Brock

We present, GuyMo's go-to backup QB, Mr. Ryan Roberts:

"I'm single and I want to mingle!"

George Shelton: EM Zone Exclusive Interview

2007-10-11T21:17:00.000-06:00

If you are a Baylor fan and don't know who George Shelton is, your life is a hollow lie. We covered this man in one of our earlier posts, but basically, this clip will tell you almost all you need to know, except that he is the father of former wide receiver and big-time player Trent Shelton.

The Personification of Baylor Pride

Well, after two lackluster EM Zones, BearMeat's favorite flirt-tastic crime beat reporter and BU alum, Emily Ingram, has come roaring back with a great episode focusing on Baylor football parents. Thank God George Shelton was in the crowd, and firing up the fans with his usual spirit. Here is the link for one of the best Em Zone's yet (hard to beat the Baylor Line episode for overall editing and great interviews).

"I'm a Razorback guy [Arkansas], but don't get me wrong, I quickly changed to the Green & Gold once they signed Trent."

What's the Matter With Kansas?

2007-10-11T05:31:00.000-06:00

While it is true that every dog has its day, it is even more certain that Every Turd Shall Blossom! Kansas's moment in the sun cannot last. 5-0 is but a fluke, like their victory over K-State. Just as Kansas supposedly votes against its interests in electing national Republicans (or so Thomas Frank would have you believe), so too does it foolishly believe it can end the B's One-game win streak over its football team. Our prediction:

Baylor 72, Kansas 71 (Coincidentally, that was also our prediction for the basketball matchup between our teams) with Blyzzle Szyzzle throwing for 800 yards, 8 touchdowns, and 7 "pick-sixes." Look for David Gettis to actually leap out of the stadium in order to grab one of Blyzzle's passes.

Sic 'em, Bears, and Vick 'em, Red Raiders!

[For those of you who are visiting for the first time, BearMeat is slowly transitioning into a Texas Tech fan blog. Please pardon our mess as we make this transformation. - Eds.]

BearMeat: The #4 Texas Tech Blog on the Internet

2007-10-09T18:45:00.000-06:00

Yeah, so we've basically been obsessed with three awesome Tech blogs these past few days. You know when you are dating someone who you know you aren't going to end up with, you fantasize about what it would be like to be with other better people. That is the feeling that we here at BearMeat have about Texas Technical Institute of Technology. The Red Raiders are the model for what Baylor's offense aspires to be. Similarly, the Tech blogs, Double-T Nation, DiscoTech! and Classless Clowns are what BearMeat would look like if GuyMo could win a conference game this year. Thanks to their coverage, we have been introduced to some awesome stuff. This first clip is what merited Techtards the nickname "Classless Clowns." After Tech's 12-0 victory over Ass & Mule in 2002, the Lubbock fans tore down the goalposts and proceeded to hoist it into the A&M fan section. Apparently many fistfights ensued. Awesome.

Jousting. Tech-Style.

This next clip introduces the Aggie Segway. Its a bit low-tech, but pretty damn funny nonetheless.

Editorial: The Only Animal Cruelty We Support

2007-10-09T05:59:00.001-06:00

Tech: Do They Hate Ass & Mule More Than The B?

[The dog being hung by Michael Vick is the Ags' beloved Miss Reveille. Hat tip to Burnt Orange Nation. - Eds.] Apparently Texas Tech fans have actually made the above t-shirt for the game against the Ags. Wow. I don't think we polite partisans of the B can match that type of hatred. Or can we? By the way, here is basically how rivalries work in the Lone Star State:

Texas. They consider themselves rivals with OU. Hence the chant of "OU Sucks" during almost all their fan traditions. Seem to be oblivious to A&M until they lose occasionally to the Soljah Boys from College Station.

Ass & Mule. Duh. If a song with the refrain of "Saw Varsity's Horns Off" doesn't convince you who they think they compete with, then you haven't spent much time in the Mighty State.

Baylor. We think our rival is the Ags. They think we are a JuCo team. They have whooped us something like 20 out of the last 21 times in football. Lately they've been owning us in men's and women's hoops as well. This rivalry peaked in the 1920s when a brawl between our schools in Waco lead to an Aggie fatality.

Tech. They cherish their victories over A&M and seem to despise Ags for being the inauthentic Rural White Male School of Texas. A&M tries to pretend that Tech doesn't exist, though this may be the closest thing to a rivalry in both pigskin and hoops. Be sure to check out Oso Amigos Double-T Nation and DiscoTech! for coverage of this emerging rivalry.

The Ghost of Kevin Steele Speaks

2007-10-07T20:56:00.000-06:00

[Late in the evening on Saturday, October 6th, the ghost of former Baylor head football coach Kevin Steele visited the 13th floor of the ALICO Building, where the BearMeat editorial offices are housed. The ghost appeared to the three editors and several interns who had donned sackcloth and ashes. The weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth from the ALICO could be heard from as far away as Hewitt. The whiskey-addled editors began hurling empty bottles and cigarette butts at the ghost, who proceeded to give the following speech. - Eds.]

The Undead Ghost of Kevin Steele

"Silence, you self-important fools! Do you not know that I have placed a curse on your beloved Bears? My time at Baylor was deeply humiliating - I was set up by Robert Sloan and sandbagged by Tom Stanton. I was mocked for my vegetarianism, my loafers, and my tears in chapel. I was ridiculed for my decision to not to take a knee against UNLV. I was castigated and defamed for representing the nadir of Baylor football in the Big12 era. Had Sloan and the 2012ers been willing to invest in our program instead of trying to build a Notre Dame on the Brazos sans pigskin, perhaps I could have had a chance."

The Good Judge chucked a Kim Mulkey bobble-head doll at the ghost and exclaimed, "Damn, you Steele, you emasculated us! You deprived us of every ounce of competitive spirit and reduced us to polishing turds and praising the Lord that we didn't lose by 40 to Kansas."

"Watch your tongue, you old codger," Steele quipped, "I have coached at far better places than Baylor University, both in college and the pros. Never have I seen such a rare combination of self-delusion and unrealistic expectations - and I currently coach at Alabama. Look not to me as the source of your current woes - no, look to GuyMo himself!"

"How dare you mention his name!" screamed the Guvn'r, "He beat A&M, something you couldn't even dream of doing!"

"He did it with my players, sir. My curse began this year, when the last of my legacy has departed your sorry school. Guy Morriss gave you four good years of competitive football and did so with my players. Now that he has his own guys, he is on his own. My ghost will haunt your program until the end of days," promised Steele.

The Curse of Coach Steele

"If what you say is true, Coach, then your legacy is not four years of shame and suffering, but a century of losing and humiliation. But why?" queried the Prez.

"For how I was treated at Baylor - for all those who laughed at me and never gave me a chance, for Sloan and Schmeltekopf and Stanton. If you thought tonight's game was bad, wait until you play UT and OU. Then the real pain will begin."

"But coach, what can we do for you so that you will revoke this curse? Lord knows we already suffer from enough such curses on our school," the Guvn'r asked.

"Nothing. There is nothing you can do. The curse will remain at your school for all eternity."

With that, the ghost disappeared into the night air.

The Curse of Sisyphus: The Neverending Season

2007-10-07T07:39:00.000-06:00

“They had every right to boo tonight; we played terrible." - Jordan Lake, Baylor free safety

Sisyphus Never Knew the Madness of Baylor Football

In Greek mythology, Sisyphus suffered the punishment of eternally carrying a boulder up a steep hill, only to have it disappear when he arrived at the top. This is the feeling the BearMeat Editorial Board is beginning to get watching Baylor football. What does it mean that Blizzle Szyzzle can put up 400 yards again if we can only throw one passing TD? What does it mean if Jordan Lake and Joe the Baptist play their hearts out, on par with some of the best defensive players in the nation if we can't manage to score? What does it mean if Brandon Whitaker plays some of the best football of his life if we give up 3 turnovers in the first half? Who benefits when David Gettis shows flashes of brilliant athleticism reminiscent of Dominique Ziegler when we get 11 penalties for 105 yards?

The Ref Tackle: Classic Baylor Football

That was a pathetic performance. The irony is that we had the edge in total yards against CU. Even with such a high-powered offense, CU managed to spank us good, since they know something about execution. Our loss was a failure of play calling and execution. It hangs on the heads of both the coaching staff and the players. We were absolutely killed by a mediocre team last night. If anyone thinks they can argue that Baylor can give a conference opponent a competitive game this year, please submit your flat-earth theories in the comments sections.

What about you, BearHat Dude? Care for a wager?

Perhaps GuyMo is all out of options. The Steele recruits are gone, the talent being brought in is medium-level at best, and he has a wacky offense that we just don't have the talent for. Our running game is a joke, our special teams looks like Cirque de Soleil out there, and our offense is perhaps the most impotent run-and-shoot system since . . . . ever.

Judge Joy, Wallowing in the Melancholy of the '07 Season

Sorry, Bear fans, things are worse than we thought. This is going to be a very long season.

UPDATE: Thanks to Oso de la Sombra (Bear of the Shadows/Shadow Bear?) for this helpful scripture to get you through the week. Again, we mine the Book of Job (Ch. 29, Vers. 2-6) for its eternal applicability to Baylor sports:

"How I long for the months gone by, for the days when God watched over me, when his lamp shone upon my head and by his light I walked through darkness! Oh, for the days when I was in my prime, when God's intimate friendship blessed my house, when the Almighty was still with me and my children were around me, when my path was drenched with cream and the rock poured out for me streams of olive oil. "

Baylor Baseball Players Arrested, Jailed for Underage Keg Party!

2007-10-04T20:10:00.000-06:00

UPDATE: Now with mug shots!

Keystone Light: "Always Smooth, Even When You're Not."

When you gear up to play a party school, you really hope that the entire athletic program will support you. Sometimes, even a small gesture, like throwing an underage keg party, can give the football team the confidence they need to defeat a party school. Yeah, Colorado, we party too! In fact, we're willing to risk our D1 baseball scholarships and a night in jail in order that under-21 Baylorites can have a kegtastic party with plenty o' Keystone Light for everyone. Thanks to the WacoTrib for its excellent crime-beat coverage:

Relief pitcher Nick Cassavechia, 21, of Dallas, and junior pitcher Erik Forestiere, 22, of Pine Bluff, Ark., were arrested and charged with furnishing alcohol to minors, according to arrest warrant affidavits.Police officers on patrol spotted four women who looked younger than 21 carrying a case of beer in the 2400 block of University-Parks Drive on Sept. 14, according to the affidavit. The officers stopped and learned the women all were younger than 21. As the officers spoke with them, one noticed a beer keg on the front porch of a nearby apartment, the affidavit stated. When the officers knocked on the door, Cassavechia, Forestiere and another roommate stepped outside and spoke with police, the affidavit stated. Officers looked inside the apartment and saw bottles of liquor and beer along with other people they suspected were younger than 21 because of their actions, the affidavit stated. “There were various people within the house attempting to hide from police detectives, one was found under the bed and one was found in a locked room,” the affidavits stated.

Sometimes an athletic program just needs a good light-hearted criminal matter for some levity. It's a nice change of pace to hear that Baylor athletes aren't shooting each other, killing cats, gettting in Cameron Park knife fights, etc. Instead, just a good old-fashioned keg party for kids! Who can blame these dudes. I sure hope they don't lose any playing time over this. God forbid Baylor has to actually address the rampant off-campus alcoholism. The first step to solving your problem is admitting you have one.

"We're Baylor Bears, Bitches!" - An Actual Myspace.com Group

An Intern Asks: How Do I Woo A Spanish-Speaking Intern?

2007-10-04T14:46:00.000-06:00

Question:

Dear BearMeat Editorial Board,

I have been working here at the ALICO for nearly seven months now. You probably wouldn't recognize me by sight, since my shift is from 9am till 5pm Monday through Friday. Lately I've developed a serious crush on Ecuadorian intern Concepcion Cienfuegos. She is the supervisory intern for proofreading the blog posts before they go live on the web. Her English isn't that good, so I've been taking some Spanish classes at MCC to attempt to relate to her and muster up the courage to ask her out. Is it possible for me to win her heart?

Sincerely,

Amorous in the ALICO

Answer:

Dear Amorous,

You are on the right track. Concepcion is the type of girl who appreciates making an effort. She puts much stock in the phrase "its the thought that counts." With that in mind, our Oso Amigo The Cachinnator has provided a documentary featuring 6th year intern Gunder Thorson (before he lost all hope) pitching woo to the Guvn'r's ex-wife, Sylvia Matamoros. Enjoy!

Red Andrews

Senior Editor of these here BearMeats

Bear vs. Bison: Prepare for a civilized sporting event

2007-10-04T05:30:00.000-06:00

We could prattle on and on about how CU used to a championship-caliber program. We could also delve deeply into the Oedipal nature of the Father-Coach/Son-QB relationship in Boulder that is all too painfully familiar here in Texas. Some members of the Editorial Board even suggested an in-depth analysis of the Sooner-slaying Buffaloes and how they may just be good enough to give our boys a game. However, we would prefer to focus on the impeccable manners and good breeding that characterizes Colorado's alumni, students and fans. CU's reputation as a party school conceals the true sophisitication of its noble partisans. With that we present, courtesy of EDSBS, the greatest college football fan picture so far from this season. Not only is the woman in the center of the shot demonstrating her virtue in a ladylike manner, but her gentlemen companions each seem to be in their own world of chivalry, honor and duty. Similarly, her lady companions each seem to be expressing the traditional virtues that brought them to Boulder, Colorado in the first place.

A Lady and Her Suitors

Will the Betty Baylors of the world exhibit how well-behaved Texas Baptists cheer for their alma mater? Will Joe The Baptist Pawelek have to save the day again in triple overtime to pull out a win at Floyd Casey? How many douchebags can you count in the photo above? Was Colorado's victory over OU a fluke, or is the sleeping giant of the Rockies emerging from its slumber? Was The B's loss to A&M a fluke, a bad dream, or an example of a program in meltdown mode? These questions, and many others, must be answered. But by whom? Surely, Bruins Bold, The Bear Blog, and TurdPolishers.com are up to the task. Right?

Prepare, dear Bears, for a battle between schools of high moral character and true Christian virtue. Sic 'em, Fightin' Baylor Bears!

Home of the Founder of Promise Keepers

"Won't Back Down" by Kim Mulkey

2007-10-02T05:49:00.000-06:00

When Walt Whitman first published Leaves of Grass in 1855, it was met with mild enthusiasm, save that of a certain Mr. Ralph Waldo Emerson, who heaped the following praise upon our national bard: "I greet you at the beginning of a great career, which yet must have had a long foreground somewhere, for such a start. I rubbed my eyes a little, to see if this sunbeam were no illusion; but the solid sense of the book is a sober certainty."

Well, so too is it that BearMeat heralds the forthcoming autobiography from head basketball coach Kim Mulkey, aka "Mulk," whose 2005 National Championship was the sounding of her barbaric yawp to the women's hoops world. Won't Back Down: Teams, Dreams & Family will certainly change your life, if it hasn't already.

The "I Believe" of the 21st Century

We encourage all of our readers to reserve an advance copy and eagerly anticipate its arrival at your household. We suggest holding daily devotionals where each parent takes turns reading a passage from the book, so that your little Bears at home will grow up with a sense that Baylor is a School of Champions and not of low expectations. Make sure to let your little Bear dream that anything is possible, as Our Mulk has proven.

In Mulk's Holy Name we pray, Amen.

ShortHorn Demotivators, Courtesy of Mr. Edmonds

2007-10-02T04:46:00.000-06:00

At the risk of turning into Curtis Edmonds' personal sports blog, we present the following ShortHorn Demotivator posters crafted than none other than everyone's favorite values voter, Mr. Curtis Edmonds, Esq. There are more at Mr. Edmonds website.

The B Screams for Buffalo Meat: A Texan's New York Odyssey, Part Two

2007-10-01T09:24:00.000-06:00

[The following is the second installment of Assistant Editor Curtis Edmonds's account of his sojourn deep into upstate NY for the Baylor vs Buffalo game. The titles, subtitles, text, photos and captions are all the authors. This is perhaps the greatest guest post in BearMeat history. Check out Curtis's blog, Northbound, for more quality writing. Also, his previous work for us as part of the BearBacker Voices Summer Lecture Series is definitely worth your time. Enjoy! - Eds.]

The B Screams For Buffalo Meat: An Ever-So-Slightly Gonzo Tale Of Fear, Loathing and Football In The Savage Heart of the University at Buffalo (Part Two of Two)

An introductory note. I completely forgot, in the first installment, to note that this game was between the Bears and the Bulls, and to make the obligatory stock market jokes. I cannot tell you how sorry I am. If I keep this up, I’m never going to make it on ESPN’s Around The Horn. If you’re writing a humor post on sports, and you can’t make the cheapest, most obvious, stupid pun that you can think of, there just isn’t any hope for you. You ought to just go back to your law practice and give up sportswriting altogether. I mean, the slowest, dullest sportswriter in the country would have picked up on “Bulls versus Bears”. I mean, Skip Bayless would have caught on to that one. I don’t even want to talk about it.

First Quarter

So let’s talk about football. You can talk about matchups, you can talk about formations, you can talk about X’s and O’s all day long, but everybody knows that it comes down to one man at the center of the storm. The quarterback. The gunslinger. The confident, daring leader of men.

And you know, when you have Blake “The Polish Rifle” “Blizzle Sizzle” Szymanski on your side, that’s a good thing, especially compared to the alternative:

“You know, Michael, you’d think they’d at least give us a clipboard.”
“Shut up, Tyler.”
“Or a helmet. You’d think we’d at least get a helmet.”
“I don’t want to hear it.”
“Hey, at least you got a hat. I didn’t even get a hat.”
“I swear to God, I shouldn’t ever have left Kent State.”

In the first quarter, the Baylor defense did a good job of keeping Buffalo pinned deep in their territory; the Bulls didn’t sniff the fifty-yard line until the end of the first quarter, where they promptly fumbled the ball away.

But Blizzle Sizzle and the Baylor offense weren’t exactly a rolling ball of butcher knives, either. Despite great field position – starting their initial drives at the Baylor 35 and 37 – Baylor faltered, with Szymanski going 2-7 for 13 yards in the opening stanza.

The punter, traditionally the most valuable weapon in the Baylor arsenal.

Fortunately, Buffalo struggled worse offensively than the Bears, giving up a Jordan Lake interception that Baylor on the Buffalo 20. But the Bears were pushed back by penalties, and had to settle for a Shane Brewster field goal. And then… well, to get the true sense of what happened next, I have to crib a little from Dr. Thompson’s notebook.

We were somewhere around Buffalo on the edge of the second quarter when the hallucinations began to take hold. I remember saying something like, “There’s a giant blue bull in a football uniform standing over on the concourse.” Reality suddenly veered off the road and we came to a sliding halt in the gravel. What were we doing out here? What was the meaning of this trip? Was there actually a giant blue fuzzy thing with horns parading around the stadium, or had they laced the stadium nachos with some sort of 1960’s psychedelic psychotropic substance? There was madness in the air, in every direction.

Putting a ring in your mascot’s nose doesn’t absolutely guarantee that your program will be at the absolute rock-bottom nadir of Division I-A football, but Lordy, it can’t help.

And I took a picture, which was – well, call it a mistake, but the damned thing actually came over to where I was – decked out in full Baylor regalia, mind you – and looked at me, with those cold dead eyes, and pointed.

Actual photographic evidence of an actual mascot from the worst Division I-A team in NCAA football taunting an opposing Baylor fan.

I handled it the Baylor way, with class. I just pointed to the scoreboard. “Three-nothing, pal, check it out.” And that was how the first quarter ended.

Second Quarter

This is where you thought things would turn the corner. This is where you thought the B would start to dominate. This is where you thought that Blizzle would, you know, take charge:

“This is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world. It can take your head clean off. You've got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky?”

And for one drive, it looked like the long-promised Air Bear offense was flying high. Nine straight passes, six completions, one for a touchdown, and Baylor had the 10-0 lead and was on its way to total domination of the Bulls. The defense held on the ensuing possession, and all that was left was to take it to the house. But the Polish Rifle started misfiring. Two incompletions, a sack, and an interception led to a missed Buffalo field goal. More offensive problems eventually led to a Buffalo touchdown, and Baylor went into halftime with a 10-7 lead, but without anything resembling momentum. Was Szymanski the real thing? Was Air Bear for real? And – most disturbing of all – was GuyMo going to be able to pull this one out on the road?

“We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending Baylor football. You Bear Meat people use them as a punchline.”

Third Quarter

When you’re not in sync offensively, when you’re inconsistent, when you struggle, there’s only one thing you can do:

“Get rhythm / When you get the blues /
Come on get rhythm / when you get the blues”

And that’s what happened. The B took the kickoff and started running the ball, getting five or six yards a pop. Syzmanski hit a key third-down pass into Buffalo territory, and got another long pass plus a penalty. A Syzmanski touchdown pass later, and the Bears were up 17-7. Jordan Lake got his second interception of the night on the ensuing possession, and Baylor was in complete control.

Then things got a little wacky.

You see – or maybe you don’t – Baylor’s running progress in the third quarter had been the result of running a particular draw play. Syzmanski would hand off from the shotgun, and then fake a naked bootleg the other way. The fake never worked, really, but the play was usually good for a few yards. You can see it here, in all its splendor, in this first-quarter shot; Blizzle hands the ball to Jay Finley, headed for the left corner, and heads out right without the ball, hoping to lead the defense astray.

Nothing up my sleeve, and… presto! Where’s the football?

Well, eight minutes left in the fourth quarter, the B up comfortably by 10, second-and-six from the thirty-nine, all the trickery paid off. Blizzle Sizzle kept the ball, scooted around the end on a naked bootleg, and picked up thirty yards. The play gave the Bears first-and-goal at the Buffalo nine, which was good. It was exciting, which sounds good, but isn’t. Many things are exciting. Driving down I-35 at a hundred miles an hour with a pint of Rebel Yell in your flask and three more in your belly is exciting. (Not that I’ve done it, myself, but I hear it’s exciting.) Dating a stripper is exciting. (Ditto.) Sneaking out of your best friend’s wedding an hour before the ceremony to eat cheese sticks and cannoli at the Italian place down the street is exciting. (Um, actually did that one; don’t recommend it.)

Let me put this another way. You watch Animal Planet, and you see the lone gazelle, bounding across the Serengeti, on his way to the water hole. Beautiful? Yeah. Compelling? Yeah. Dangerous? Yeah. Exciting? Sure, right up until the moment when a leopard comes rocketing out of nowhere and bites the gazelle’s head clean off.

And it was all for nothing, was the funny part – Baylor got down to fourth-and-goal on the one, went for it, didn’t make it. But Buffalo couldn’t convert, either, and a short punt led to a Baylor touchdown. Buffalo got the ball back on the kickoff – again with lousy field position – and on the first play, Drew “Don’t Touch My” Willy threw an ill-advised pass over to the middle, which ended up as a fumble recovered by sticky-fingered Jordan Lake.

“Two interceptions, a fumble recovery, Big 12 Defensive Player of the Week, and this is the best picture anyone took of me? Unbelievable.”

And that led to another Baylor field goal, putting the Bears comfortably on top, 27-7 – to the point where they couldn’t possibly blow it in the fourth. I mean, it couldn’t happen.

“You know, it’s surprising how easy it is to kick a field goal on the road when there aren’t any fans sitting in the seats behind the end zone.”

Fourth Quarter

It’s probably best if we just don’t talk about the fourth quarter.

Well, there was a lot of scoring. I mean, that was good.

“AAAAAAAAYYYYYYY… let’s get this over with in time to hit room service at the Marriott… Sic ‘em Bears!!!”

I mean, so what if Buffalo scored two touchdowns? Isn’t the final score all that matters?

“Look, if we somehow manage to get six wins, the people at the Fort Worth Bowl aren’t going to care if we let Buffalo back in the game in the fourth quarter.”

And there was the play where GuyMo called that naked bootleg, again, and Blizzle scored the clinching touchdown, which would be great if, you know, nobody else in the Big XII watched game film, and realized, “Hey, when we play Baylor, have a linebacker shadow the Polish kid, and smear him into the turf whenever he does that naked bootleg.” Because it’s going to happen. You know it’s going to happen. And when it happens, it is not going to be pretty. It is going to be uglier than Chris Crocker without eyeliner.

Informal meeting of the “Let’s Not Get Blake Syzmanski Killed On The Football Field Society.” (Coach Guy Morriss not pictured.)

But it wasn’t the time to focus on the negatives. It wasn’t time to think about whether dominating a weak Buffalo squad was a good tune-up for playing the Agriculturalists at Kyle Field. It wasn’t time to think about how much money you were going to lose the next day at video poker at the casinos on the Canadian side. It wasn’t time to think about the five-hour delay you’d face the next afternoon at the Buffalo airport.

It was time to savor the sweet smell of victory.

“You know, most people would kill... to be treated like a god, just for a few moments.”

And I think that’s the best place to end it, right there. Sic ‘em.

The Tragedy of MacBrown

2007-09-30T08:47:00.000-06:00

"Ron Prince Was From His Mother's Womb Untimely Ripped?"

Wow. What a Saturday. Apparently, Baylor wasn't the only BCS contender to have its post-season ambitions derailed by a lesser team. Urban Meyer looked a lot more like Rural Meyer after Florida's second straight year of losing to Auburn. EDSBS is trying to cope by drawing parallels to the French Revolution after a pretty sweet streak of 2 hoops titles and one pigskin title. Bob Stoop's lucky visor couldn't save him as the Okies went down to the hapless CU Buffs. And finally, that great Scottish king of Austin, MacBrown, whose lust for blood and power is infamous throughout the land, fell to the hands of Chum's dearest Wilcats in perhaps the biggest walloping of the day. PB at Burnt Orange Nation has taken to playwriting and pretty white girls to deal with this loss.

Meanwhile, back in coaching Purgatory:

GuyMo: "I'll definitely email your resume to Ian McCaw. No problem."

Also, thanks to the WacoTrib Gallery of the game for this moment of post-game pathos:

These are the times that try men's souls.

And, hell, while we're at it, we'd like to introduce a couple of outstanding blogs. First is chum's new blog, CATLAB, which is incredible! Check it out for all your psychadelic, drug-induced K-State video needs. Secondly, we seem to have a new friend over at Mizzourah, a very Missouri blog. Check out his great Big12 CFB teams as Mike Tyson's Punchout characters. Pretty clever.

Hopefully your time in church this morning will exorcise the sins of the Baylor receiving corps in College Station yesterday. Sic 'em, Bears and God Bless Baylor!

Bear vs. Soldier: Dropped Passes

2007-09-29T13:37:00.000-06:00

A Win over Baylor: The Ultimate Aggie Aphrodisiac

A reading from the book of Job, verses 1 through 11.

Job Speaks

After this, Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth. He said: "May the day of my birth perish, and the night it was said, 'A boy is born!' That day—may it turn to darkness; may God above not care about it; may no light shine upon it. May darkness and deep shadow claim it once more; may a cloud settle over it; may blackness overwhelm its light. That night—may thick darkness seize it; may it not be included among the days of the year nor be entered in any of the months. May that night be barren; may no shout of joy be heard in it. May those who curse days curse that day, those who are ready to rouse Leviathan. May its morning stars become dark; may it wait for daylight in vain and not see the first rays of dawn, for it did not shut the doors of the womb on me to hide trouble from my eyes. "Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb?"

Bear vs. Soldier: Fran, We Hardly Knew Ye

2007-09-28T11:55:00.000-06:00

It's a shame really. The Agrics deserve a fellow like Fran. He is as moronic and thoughtless as the buffoons that choose to go to College Station to feast on bestiality and Keystone Light. Fran is a dead man walking. He truly is an Aggie in heat.

With all that in mind, BearMeat cannot honestly believe that Fran is a real ball coach. Dare we say a real human being? The Alico is full of conspiracy theorists, and here is our take on who really is in control of the putrid stench that lies south of us down the Brazos.

We'll let you guys decide who is actually running the "football" program at Ass & Mule.

Bear vs. Soldier: Bring Me the Head of Dennis Franchione

2007-09-27T20:42:00.000-06:00

We of the BearMeat Editorial Board are head hunters. More specifically, we have a collection of severed heads of coaches who are fired after losing to Baylor. So far, the heads of basketball coaches Quin Snyder and Melvin Watkins are on display in the Will Ferrell Center at Baylor. One type of head is desperately missing: the head of a head football coach.

"Things won't be so bad without your head, Coach."

Right now Dennis Franchione is a heavyweight in the 10th round, about one punch away from being knocked on his ass. He's on the ropes, he's teetering back and forth. His vision is blurry. He can't seem to get his balance. Up steps the underrated and unexpected contender to the title: a grizzly old veteran that every one had counted out . . . except himself. Fran is so weakened and vulnerable right now - if his team is nearing anything like the demoralization of the students, alumni and fans of Ass & Mule, then The B may just have a decent chance of toppling the Ags. Fran's sad-sack Agrics may not know what hit them. As soon as they look up, they'll see the boys in Green & Gold holding the Battle of the Brazos trophy (which is actually a live feral pig) and realize they have been knocked on their ass.

"Baylor has shamed me before, Lord. Don't let them do it at Kyle."

Will we see another Miracle on the Brazos? Will our win be the final nail in Fran's coffin? Will a victory over A&M at Kyle (not since Reagan was in office) finally exorcise the demons of the Big12 Era for Baylor? Will we be able to sneak Rebel Yell into the game? How many interns does it take to kidnap an Aggie? What will Reveille taste like after Mama & Papa B grill her up nice and tender? Many questions remain. The final question is not for partisans of the B, but for our country cousins 70 miles down river:

When will your long, campus-wide nightmare finally be over?

Fran: "Won't someone please put me out of my misery?"

UPDATE: Out of the mouths of Brospehs . . .

Bear vs. Soldier: The Plague of Dead Pigs

2007-09-26T09:55:00.000-06:00

Dead Pig Found in FIJI Sand Volleyball Court - Seriously

Nothing could be more ominous before the Battle of the Brazos against Ass & Mule than numerous dead pigs showing up on student's doorsteps around campus. [Lariat Link] Even more ominious is that a dead pig was also found laying at the feet of the Rufus Burleson statue. Was this an Aggie prank directed at BearMeat? The Lariat reporter tasked with reporting on this seemed to have interviewed perhaps the most oblivious white girls on Baylor campus, and I quote:

Senior Katie M. found a large black pig bleeding on her front porch when she came home around 2:30 a.m. Wednesday. She called her roommate inside the house, telling her to come out to the porch. McKinnon explained to her roommate, "A hog. Oink-oink. Pumba is laying in our front yard." Katie M. called 911 immediately. "The emergency guys were laughing at me saying, 'There's a dead hog on your porch? Is this a joke?'" Katie M. said she believed that police could have been more sensitive and helpful. "They didn't really want to help me figure out who did it in the first place. They didn't take the initiative. They spent more time laughing at me and my response to it than really helping the situation," said Katie M.

First off, does a dead pig with a bullet in its head merit dialing 9-1-1? Isn't that line for living human emergencies? I wouldn't be surprised if the EMTs and police dispatched on the living human emergency phone line were a bit amused to find a dead pig and a concerned Baylor girl. I guess she expected funeral-like somber tones for her doorstep pig tragedy. Why was she getting home at 2:30am? That is suspiciously right after closing time in Waco bars.

Secondly, the Lariat reporter twice refers to the Burleson statue as the "Judge Burleson statue." Rufus wore many hats, but he never served in the judiciary. A little fact-checking would help with the credibility of your reporting from time-to-time.

Thirdly, what does all this portend for the Aggie game? We humbly ask our readers to explain the Biblical significance of a plague of dead pigs. Are we supposed to be "letting my people go"? Who are the capitves? Fran? GuyMo?

The B Screams for Buffalo Meat: A Texan's New York Odyssey

2007-09-25T19:28:00.000-06:00

[The following is Assistant Editor Curtis Edmonds's account of his sojourn deep into upstate NY for the Baylor vs Buffalo game. The titles, subtitles, text, photos and captions are all the authors. This is perhaps the greatest guest post in BearMeat history. Check out Curtis's blog, Northbound, for more quality writing. Also, his previous work for us as part of the BearBacker Voices Summer Lecture Series is definitely worth your time. Enjoy! - Eds.]

The B Screams For Buffalo Meat: An Ever-So-Slightly Gonzo Tale Of Fear, Loathing and Football In The Savage Heart of the University at Buffalo (Part One of Two)

Opening Argument

My name is Curtis Edmonds. I am a Baylor graduate, currently practicing law in Trenton, New Jersey. I am here today, guest-blogging on Bear Meat, because the total Bear Meat travel budget was – apparently – swallowed up in a midsummer incident involving Eskimo Joe’s bar in Stillwater, Oklahoma, a fifth of Rebel Yell whiskey, and naked pictures of Chuck Reedy. (I am pleased to report that all involved seemed to have avoided Norman, Oklahoma, and therefore escaped with their manly organs intact.) Anyway, I was the only one left who could afford to make the long, arduous trek up to Buffalo. (A trek made even more long and arduous by the fumble-fingered bumbling by Newark air traffic control and Continental Airlines, but that’s another story.)

I begin by getting two items out of the way. First, if you get all of your news from Bear Meat – and you certainly could – you might be under the misimpression that the entire Northeastern United States is covered by a glacial ice sheet and overrun by wooly mammoths. This is not in fact the case. Although the White Witch – who, as everyone knows, is responsible for afflicting Northeasterners with such curses as blizzards, lake-effect snow and Shop-Rite running out of eggs, bread and Swiss Miss cocoa – is still active in these parts, she is operating under a federal injunction that mandates warm weather until November, or until the New York Yankees are eliminated in the first round of the playoffs, whichever comes first.

Oh, come on, don’t tell me that you’re surprised about this.

In reality, it was a nice, warm day in Western New York, the last day of summer, in fact. The weather was in the eighties all day, and it never dropped much below, say, sixty degrees. You can see the leaves just starting to turn in this photo, taken during the first quarter – and note the random clueless Buffalo students – more about them in a minute – wandering around the periphery of the stadium. We have a football team? Really?

Let us cross over the goal line, and rest in the shade of the end zone.

This is the other thing. Like the great Dr. Gonzo, I am a lawyer – although, unlike him, I am reasonably competent at my job. I write a lot, too, and I can put the occasional sentence together if pressed. But I am a lousy photojournalist. I was in an excellent place to take photos – seats on the thirty-yard line, first row of the cheap seats, nobody in front of me – but the lighting is screwy on a lot of these pictures, and my digital camera gets a little fuzzy on close-up shots, and… well, you’ll get the idea:

Fear the handrail.

Baylor: The Party of the First Part

The Powers That Be in the Baylor officialdom had set up a tent under the south bleachers, and we stopped by to get cut-rate (compared to stadium prices) hot dogs and lemonade at the pre-game rally. (The use of “we” here includes my wife, who is not a Baylor grad – she went to Rutgers, which a) has a recent record of football futility comparable to Baylor and b) a completely shocking record of even more recent success, including a bowl game victory, and c) she knows it.) We got there a bit late, and ended up eating just as they were finishing up. Just about all the Baylor supporters who had made the trip up were there, a larger crowd than anyone would have expected.

Not only did I not expect the sheer number of attendees – neither did the caterers; they ran out of burgers – I didn’t expect that the average age of said attendees would be up there in Ed McMahon territory. At one point, one of the speakers asked if any current members of the Board of Regents were in the audience, and about half of the attendees raised their hands. And then, the speaker asked if any former Regents were in the audience, and the other half raised their hands. If you don’t count the Alumni-Association flacks, the cheerleaders, and the occasional grandchild, I was maybe the youngest Baylor person in the crowd, and I’m old enough to remember when Robin Williams was funny.

The Baylor crowd in the fourth quarter, wondering if it’s bedtime yet.

The next-youngest person was probably Walter Abercrombie, who (compared to everyone else there) was the picture of youthful enthusiasm. Walter was easily the most enthusiastic, charismatic, and (let’s be honest) blackest person under the tent. He is also almost ten years older than I am. I don’t know what this says about the last twenty years of Baylor fandom. Actually, that’s a big fat lie. I know exactly what it says; you do, too.

Caution: Walter Abercrombie may appear blacker in this photograph than he actually is in person.

They also brought President Lilley up to speak, and he did what university presidents do; sound impressive while saying nothing in particular. I have to hand it to Lilley for two things, though. First, he sat with the Baylor crowd in the top row of the good seats (not that far away from where we sat, really) instead of decamping to the press box or a skybox. (He walked right by me on the concourse at one point, and I almost could have asked him about the rumors about the interlocking BU, except that I would have to have explained to him who I was, and what BearMeat was, and what a “blog” was, and I decided it would be best to not enlighten him to that degree.) The other thing was that he wore a stylish (completely absurd, but stylish) yellow Stetson the whole game, and anybody willing to do that demands our respect.

“Young man, see that green flat thing over there?
When I was your age, we used to call that a football field.”

Or, shall I say, demands our respect for just long enough to do a Google Image search:

Yeah, make all the “separated at birth” jokes you want,
it still beats having Sloan around.

Buffalo: The Party of the Second Part

And then there were the Buffalo fans, many of whom came disguised as empty seats:

Switch to Geico now and get 15% off your end-zone
season tickets to all Buffalo Bulls football games!

And then there were the Buffalo cheerleaders:

“Waiter? I’ll have the muffin tops, please.”

And then there were the Buffalo fans:

Looking Buff-fabulous!

And then there were the Buffalo… well, a picture says a thousand words:

The Buffalo Chapter of “Friends of Brock”

What you want to know, I guess – and what pictures can’t convey adequately – is the whole blessed atmosphere of the thing. That’s the thing about college football, the atmosphere. Walking into Floyd Casey, watching the Baylor Line circle the field, and hoping nobody drops his Rebel Yell flask on the field accidentally, that’s atmosphere. Going into the Cotton Bowl, watching OU play Texas, corny dog whiff in the air, with the Big XII on the line, that’s atmosphere. Going into Kyle Field, watching crew-cut Agriculturalist gits in paramilitary uniforms goose-stepping their way through halftime, that’s atmosphere. Let’s just say you don’t go to the University at Buffalo (the actual name of the school) for the atmosphere. The big pre-game attraction that had the crowd excited was some random dufus trying to get on an oversized unicycle. I am not even making this up. (He had to have two sturdy Buffalo fans hoist him up on their shoulders so he could mount his butt on a long, shiny metal pole, and there wasn’t one thing homoerotic about it, so get it out of your filthy minds.)

Not to say that there wasn’t some interesting stuff going on:

“I am not a number. I am a human being. I am… down, Rover! Down! AAAAARGH!”

Not to mention the Buffalo band’s salute to Dreamgirls, which again I am not making up:

“I'm somebody, and nobody's gonna hold me down... I'm somebody!”

What photography can’t capture here, though, is the essential truth about Buffalo; everyone was just so God-blessed nice. Everyone we talked to the whole entire trip was nice. The burnt-out clerk at the rent-a-car counter was nice. The Border Patrol people at the Rainbow Bridge were nice (although one wouldn’t want to smuggle firearms past them, not that I tried). The immigrant hotel chambermaid was nice. The waiter who brought out the cart for the table service of Chateaubriand at the historic old restaurant in Niagara Falls (sadly, not on the Bear Meat expense account) was nice. And – this was a shock – even the Russian cabbie taking us back to the Sheraton was nice. (You get a Russian cabbie in New York, you start thinking about how it all will look when it’s recreated as the cold open to a Law & Order episode.)

Most of these people were in Canada, mind you (the hotels on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls have the better view), and Canadians are famously nice. Crossing the border back into the U.S., you sort of expect the Northeastern attitude to take over, but it never did. The sullen-faced tailgaters in the student parking lot were nice – asking us, in slightly-impressed tones, if we’d made the drive up from Texas. (I didn’t have the heart to tell them the truth.) Although I was decked out in green-and-gold, sitting in a Buffalo section, nobody said Thing One to me – and I kinda deserved it.

The author, flinging his green and gold too far.

Even the people in my section who were vocal – the vast minority – were vocal in the sort of baleful, sarcastic way familiar to any Baylor fan. (“Don’t run trick plays!” one of them complained. “What do you think you are, the Bills?”) After the game – a game that the B dominated from start to finish – I actually heard a random Buffalo fan thanking a random Baylor fan for coming up to Buffalo to support their program. Nobody’s that nice, even pseudo-Canadians. There has to be a reason.

Of course, the nicest person in the stadium that day would turn out to be Buffalo quarterback Drew “Free” Willy, but that’s a story for our next installment, in which we discuss, you know, the actual game and stuff. Sic ‘em.

Bear vs. Soldier: Dereliction of Duty

2007-09-25T18:42:00.000-06:00

Sec. Gates posing with historical re-enactors

It wasn't that long ago that BearMeat was claiming that the Ags had toppled the LongHorn Empire and were ushering in a new era of barbarism in the Big12 South. Things looked good for the Aggies - they had an Aggie Governor of Texas, the best young basketball coach in the U.S. who turned the program around in one year, and a football team that had finally toppled mighty Texas, on their home turf, no less. Yes, those days appeared to be the Halcyon days of Aggie Athletics. The baseball team soon took the Big12 title and it looked like the Aggies were soon going to BTHO of Al Qaeda if things kept progressing as they had, considering their former president, Robert Gates, as Secretary of Defense was overseeing a surge effort in Iraq that was bound to bring closure to the events of 9/11. Yep, life as an Aggie couldn't have been better. Then, without warning, in a school which prizes duty and honor above all, men who should have known better were derelict in their duty.

Please let the following serve as an official court martial of the three Aggies most deserving: Dennis Franchione, Rick Perry, and Billy Gillispie.

The 3 Deadly Aggie Sins: Greed, Pride, Envy

The Court Martial of Billy Gillispie

Charged With One (1) Count of Betrayal

At the time that we wrote those words, Texas had lost in the NCAA tourney and Ass & Mule was alive and well, poised to make the Final Four. Yet, within days of the utterance of those seemingly-profound words, the animal-husbands from Bryan-College Station had suffered a tourney defeat to Memphis, ending their Cindarella dreams at an NCAA title. Within weeks of this humiliating loss, the Golden Boy of Aggie Hoops, Billy Gillispie, who had resurrected Aggie Hoops from downfall, had departed for the bright blue grass of Kentucky. His departure left Aggies bewildered and saddened. Their anger seemed more directed at UK and Ashley Judd than at Gillispie himself.

". . . and at that moment a rooster began to crow." John 18:26 NIV

Gillispie is a Texas boy, born in Abeliene who worked his way up from a JV assistant coach at Killeen High to the head coach of Texas A&M. He was even an assistant coach at Baylor for a few years. It seemed that based on his career path, that he might have found his dream job in Texas A&M. But in less than three years after arriving, "BCG," as the Ags called him was gone. And with nothing to show for his time except for 3 straight 20 win seasons and 2 straight NCAA tournament berths. Why? The money? A&M ante'd up bukus of cash after the season was over, but BCG was having none of it. He wanted power, prestige and prominence. He wanted to coach at the dream school of any aspiring young careerist coach - Kentucky.

It was in this manner that Gillispie betrayed the Aggie faithful.

So dark, the con of man

The Court Martial of Rick Perry

Charged With One (1) Count of Blasphemy, and Two (2) Counts of Douchebaggery

Governor Rick Perry, our inagural Aggie Douche, is no stranger to controversy. An Aggie Yell Leader, West Texas rancher, former Democrat, and Air Force pilot, Perry has worn many hats in his time on this earth. In a previous post, Aggie Douche, we discussed how unfathomable it must be for Aggies to see the first Aggie Governor of Texas giving the "hook 'em horns" salute on multiple occasions. These actions demonstrate his blasephemy.

Saw Varsity's Horns . . . Um, I mean, Hook 'Em!

His douchebaggery consisted of his attempt to mandate HPV shots for every 11 yr old girl in Texas, which sounded like a noble, progressive cause for the neandrathal conservative governor, until it was reported that the Big Pharma corporation Merck stood to benefit handsomely from this arrangement. And who was representing Merck's interests in all of this? Why, none other than Perry's former chief-of-staff. Pitiful. If that wasn't bad enough, without warning, Perry cut the millions of state funds to community colleges that were earmarked for their employees health care. This was quite possibly the biggest blunder yet for a gubenatorial reign that looks to be the longest in Texas history (unless he decides to run for Prez or Vice President). No better way to piss of people across the ideological spectrum than to gut a community college budget. No community in America views these schools as anything other than indispensible. Pathetic.

It was in this manner that Rick Perry betrayed the Aggie faithful and all of Texas.

The Court Martial of Dennis Franchione

Charged with One (1) Count of Mediocrity

What can we say about Fran? We Baylor Bears love him so dearly for helping to make our schools competitive again in football. Thanks to Fran, we were able to secure a victory in 2004 - and they were ranked! Thanks to Fran, the Aggies actually have to worry a bit when they play Baylor. Thanks to Fran, Aggies are constantly upset and on edge. Yes, Fran has done more for anti-depressant sales in the Bryan College Station area than all the pharma reps in the region combined. He is so loathed by Aggies, that there are a number of sites dedicated to his removal, like FireFranPetition.com, or FireDennisFranchione.com, or FranUnderFire.com. Its basically an entire corner of the internet (which is shaped like a box, our interns tell us). Some anti-Fran Ags even call the renewed tension between our schools the "Franivalry." Hah!

Thanks, Fran, indeed!

Last Thursday humiliating loss to Miami probably sealed his fate, but with Fran you never know. He'll most likely be around to lose bowl games on ESPN2 for another few years. He's a resilient creature who just keeps hangin' on. As long as Fran is at the helm, we here at Texas's Oldest University will always have a shot at bringing down those Aggies a peg or two.

"I've been a naughty boy."

These are the men who have failed to perform their duty to the Corps. They have been court martialed and await their sentence. All that remains is for GuyMo, Blizzle Syzzle and Emily Ingram to finish them off and put them out of their misery.

Sic 'em, Bears!

K-State Football Will Squeeze Your Mind Grapes

2007-09-25T17:23:00.000-06:00

New chum Video: Power of CatLab

Grant Teaff Pre-Game Speech at Buffalo

2007-09-25T06:15:00.000-06:00

Thanks to the videography of Curtis Edmonds, we have a clip from Grant Teaff's speech to what look like a bunch of old, white Baylor types in upstate NY before the Baylor vs Buffalo game. Enjoy!

The "M" Zone: Em's Wedding Website

2007-09-24T18:32:00.000-06:00

In case you were expecting a post on Aggies, we apologize in advance. However, if you were looking for Emily Ingram's Wedding Website, then you have come to the right place. The site is full of great stories: their first date, the Suspension Bridge Proposal Night, the long-distance relationship from Waco to Afganistan, etc. Plus, there are plenty o' pics in case you need to visualize the happiest couple in McLennan County. One cannot resist feeling that these two lovebirds are confident enough in their engagement contract (sealed with a ring) that they have constructed a website to herald their obligations to the world (wide web). [Mighty fast to have a site, a church and a reception already planned, eh? Was someone expecting this engagement for months in advance?]

Em & Her Soldier Boy

Around the Quad: Book 'Em, Horns

2007-09-24T08:45:00.000-06:00

As our loyal readers and associate editors have stated, this is a big week for The B and BearMeat. The Ass & Mule game means more to us than life itself. That having been said, we doubt last year's efforts will be topped. We present news from Around the Quad to give you a taste of some high quality BearMeat.

1. New ShortHorns Logo Unveiled! Thanks to the diligent reporting of The Triumvirate of Awesome, we discovered the brand new UT logo which should set the standard by which all high-crime NCAA programs are judged. Book 'em, Horns, indeed.

2. Move over, Mike Leach, there is a new crazy sheriff in town: Okie State coach Mike Gundy. This tirade against the media has to be seen to be believed. Meltdown would be an understatement to describe this angry, unprofessional tirade in response to an allegedly unprofessional article written by the Daily Oklahoman about one of his players. While OSU did dispatch of Tech in fine fashion, Coach Gundy is in no mood to celebrate. Tip of the Hat to EDSBS.

Gundy: "This arckle is inaccrit."

3. AgricMeat: A Retrospective. In the interests of giving our readers some background to BearMeat's distaste for Ass & Mule, we would like to present a snapshot of last year's coverage.

The Good Judge compared the Ags to the North Koreans. This merited a link from Deadspin, a cool reception from Aggies (read the comments for a few laughs), and a place in internet history.
Guvn'r Pat unveiled his signature line of Aggie Pail Kids, which took the world of college football visual satire by storm.
The Judge then told a tale of forbidden love with an Ag-LadyBeast.
Prez Andrews made the case for the rivalry with Ass & Mule by drudging up a game where a fatality occured.
With that, we'll leave you with a video uncovered by DiscoTech! that we don't quite know what to do with. All we can say is that Fran is having a traumatic effect on those Aggie Gringos.

Nothing Like a Britney-Fan Parody From the Ags

Bear vs. Bull: The Szyzzler Strikes Again

2007-09-23T09:26:00.000-06:00

For the substance of the game, we will await Curtis Edmonds' recap. Here is the ESPN Boxscore if you are interested. Also, keep abreast of Bruins Bold/Meek for his ongoing analysis. We will say that Blizzle Szyzzle dropped another 3 passing TDs and had 91 rushing yards as well as a bootlegged TD. Also, the story of the game seemed to be the resurgence of Baylor's defense and the emergence of a nascent running game; and all this against Buffalo! Way to go Bears! In three weeks we have dispensed of two of the worst teams in D1 and a I-AA team. Now we are truly ready for conference play. At least A&M isn't as good as they thought they were. Maybe we can take out Colorado or one of the teams from Kansas. We'll see. The WacoTrib photo gallery of the game includes 8 photos. Talk about the media event of the century.

Run, Blizzle, Run!

Bear vs Bull: Market Fluctuations

2007-09-22T15:00:00.000-06:00

While the three ghosts of the Editorial Board will not be headed north for the Buffalo game (our spirits can roam no farther north than the Mason-Dixon line), we have dispatched an associate editor, Curtis Edmonds, Esq., to upstate NY to report on his experience within the next few days. While we know nothing of Buffalo, its school, city or team, we will dutifully report on news from around the Burleson Quadrangle.

1. New Em Zone! The newest video (masterfully filmed by Wendy Gragg) has the recently-engaged Em desperately searching for Aggie jokes at George's Tent. While her quest yielded very few family-friendly jokes, she did show off that regionally-famous charm which has endeared her to the hearts of all seventeen BearMeat readers. (Em Zone Archive)

The Barbara Walters of the Brazos

2. Disco Tech! Offers Alternative Employment Ideas for Coach Fran. Disco Tech! is basically the BearMeat of Lubbock, except that they have at least one liscensed copy of Adobe Photoshop. Their skill with multimedia has yielded a hilarious photo series envisioning Ass & Mule's head coach, Franchione, in various employment scenarios following his humiliating loss to Miami. Link here.

Cadillac Fran

How To Stop the J-Train: A How-To Manual

2007-09-21T07:18:00.000-06:00

Aggie Defiance: Always Strongest Right Before Kick-Off

Sometimes when you watch a Texas Ass & Mule game in which they are going up against a worthy opponent you almost feel bad for them. Then you remember that they are the Aggies. On behalf of The B, I would like to extend a heart-felt congratulations to The U for dispensing of the Ags in such a resounding fashion. The 'Canes did what they do best: dominate in college football. The Ags did what they do best: disappoint. Fran did what he does best: give ulcers to Aggie alums in cubicles throughout Texas. Looks like somebody got gigged.

McGee: "Why am I playing defense?"

Meanwhile, back at Kyle Field, Two-Percenters ask "Why?"

'Canes: We Don't Need No 12th Man, Just 11 Good Ones

Freaks & Geeks: Baylor Line Edition

2007-09-20T15:36:00.001-06:00

As much as I want to dislike the new Baylor PR Blog, Baylor Proud, I have a feeling that one of our interns is running things over there. Their slideshow, The Faces of the Baylor Line 2007, is absolutely hilarious. Enjoy the following photos, which are featured on their exhibit. Sic 'em, Baylor Proud?

Brock? He's Everywhere!

This photo essay brings up an interesting question: who is the most famous Baylor fan? Darth Baylor? George Shelton? Growl Towel Dude? Scottish Kilt Dude? Let us know.

A Travesty of Justice: "Mayor" Collins Indicted

2007-09-20T11:16:00.000-06:00

According to the WacoTrib, The Mayor of Sironia, Bill Collins, has been indicted by a grand jury with charges of aggravated assault and evading arrest with a vehicle. This all stemed from an incident this summer in which Collins felt threatened in a dispute and shot the other man in the leg. He then fled the cops, giving chase for a few blocks before surrendering. Collins explained his actions as self-defense. If only this incident had occured after Sept. 1, 2007, when the new NRA-backed "Stand your ground" law went into effect in Texas. According to this law, if someone does something to annoy you, you have the right to exercise your 2nd Amendment Rights by using deadly force against them (we think). To fully understand what we are talking about, please read our previous post on Mayor Collins.

"Mayor" Collins: Waco's Favorite Black, Republican Cowboy

The Trib article also revealed that Mayor Collins (whose mayoralty encompasses the cosmic realm of Waco, not the material realm) is the son of the owner of Mama & Papa B's! You know, the BBQ on 8th Street that boasts: "If the Bears Kill It, We'll Cook It." [They declined to take us up on our request to cook an Aggie after our 2004 victory over Ass & Mule.] Mayor Collins is a perennial candidate for McLennan County Commissioner and for Mayor of Waco. Due to his persistence and originality, the BearMeat Editorial Board has elected him "Mayor of Sironia," (Sironia, Texas is Madison Cooper, Jr's epic novel based on Waco -- for BearMeat, Sironia is the literary, cosmic realm of Waco, Texas) in which capacity he has been nobly serving since news of his arrest reached our offices in the ALICO. When queried about his Tom Delay -esque mugshot, the Mayor replied:

"When it comes time to defending my life, my family or my country -- baby, I do that with a smile."

Now do you understand why he is the Mayor of Sironia? If not, your assignment for tonight is to read our blog from start to finish. When done reading, if you are still confused, we will gladly direct you to Turdpolishers.com for something more your speed.

Bear vs. Bull: A Game For Investors

2007-09-19T13:30:00.000-06:00

The Bears are going up to New York state to play the Bulls (University at Buffalo) this weekend. For a game involving serious implications for Wall Street (bears & bulls - get it?), we thought we would send our favorite proponent of free market capitalism, Curtis Edmonds, a member of the Northeastern Conservative Elite, to cover the game for BearMeat. He promises a full report with photos. To give you a taste of how creative Curtis is, here are his Baylor Demotivator Posters (which are damn funny). He just today produced a hilarious version of Baylor Proud, the new BU PR blog, which is below. Click here for the larger version.

R.I.P. David Bliss

Now, to proceed with our preview. Instead of actually supplying answers to your many questions, we thought we would pose a few questions of our own about this game.

Why are we playing University at Buffalo in upstate NY? Is this a recruiting ploy? Is it because they are arguably the worst D1 program in the nation? Also, they have a Ray Guy nominee! Isn't it funny how terrible football schools have the best punters? They are by far the most important position on the field. How we miss Danny Boy!
Why is Baylor planning to scrap the "interlocking BU" symbol? We hear rumors that it is because it mirrors the interlocking BU of Boston University? Why is this in the works? Who in Boston has heard of Baylor? Who at Baylor has heard of Boston University? How much confusion could this possibly cause? While we at BearMeat do prefer to call Baylor "The B" to distinguish ourselves from other schools using the "BU" - isn't it a bit crazy to cite confusion with Boston University as the reason? Also, why do we have to change? We should "lawyer up" with all those Aggie Lawyaz over at Baylor Law and sue Boston University for copyright infringement, right? Or does their "BU" even interlock?

Just too close for comfort

Around the Quad: The Battle of the Brazos

2007-09-18T15:59:00.000-06:00

The ALICO can be a very lonely place. The interns are all out today - something about testifying before a grand jury - and things are quiet and sun-drenched here on the 13th Floor. After downing a Fifth of Rebel Yell I swear I saw Kim Mulkey and Grant Teaff mud wrestling on the banks of the Brazos, or maybe it was just a hallucinogenic reaction to all that Ecstasy I took at lunch. Either way, here is some news from Around the Quad:

1. GuyMo Signed Poster on E-Bay for $6! [The E-Bay Link] Six dollars? Really? Wow. The fact that his signature is worth six bucks is a source of great ambivalence in my life. What does it mean? Is it a good sign that someone is willing to pay at all, or is it a pathetic sum for the coach of a pathetic program? Questions like these keep us up all night at the ALICO.

GuyMo: American Badass.

2. New Chum Music Video: Get Well Big 12. Oh. My. Sweet. Lord. This video is so beautiful and it sums up the general Big12 malaise of the 2007 season. Chum does it again. If you are not familiar with his work, Chum is a Kansas State message board (KSUFans.com) video artist who made the BearMeat Masterpiece, Roxy Meat. Enjoy!

Damn, Chum drops Big12 Satire

3. Battle of the Brazos To Be Televised on Versus. The upcoming Baylor game against Texas Ass & Mule (a rivalry dating to 1899), aka the Battle of the Brazos, will be televised on national cable TV. If you aren't headed to the Beastiality Capital of Texas (College Station), then be sure to tune in.

4. Baylor Ranks Last in Big12 in Sexual Health Survey. Trojan condoms commissioned a study on sexual health on college campuses and Baylor fell way below our Big12 rivals. Even SMU and TCU scored much higher. Why? They aren't required to attend the annual "Condom Bonfire" every St. Patrick's Day at Minglewood Bowl. Lariat Link.

5. Baylor Proud (BU PR Blog) Embraces Hogwarts Comparison and uses pirated BearMeat News 6 Video in their post! The hot new Baylor blog, Baylor Proud, has invited the comparison to Hogwarts by using the News 6 video of the new Brooks "College" that BearMeat uploaded. Worlds sure are colliding. Here is our sermon denouncing the new Brooks "College" Experiment as Hogwarts-on-the Brazos. I guess now they are mining BearMeat posts for ideas. Here is the Baylor Proud link.

Are You "Baylor Proud?"

2007-09-17T13:16:00.000-06:00

Just in time for the Fall semester, Baylor Public Relations unveiled their newest project: a blog about all things Baylor - Baylor Proud! From Youtube clips to sports news to administrative initiatives, Baylor Proud seeks to put Baylor's best foot forward in the blogosphere. Its a well-designed blog that seems to have a finely tuned ear to cultural things, but isn't a blog about how great Baylor is kind of redundant? I mean, BearMeat basically does all of that and more! If you have a chance, let us know what you think of Baylor Proud.

Spawn or Competitor of BearMeat?

Bear vs. Bobcat: The Education of Blizzle Szyzzle

2007-09-16T07:07:00.000-06:00

"But who can endure the day of his coming? Who can stand when he appears? For he will be like a refiner's fire . . . " Malachi 3:2

If Blizzle Szyzzle (QB Blake Syzmanski) taught us anything these last two Saturdays, its that 400yd games are possible and also two 5 passing TD games in a row are possible. Last night against the salty BobCats, Blizzle threw for one yard shy of Baylor's single-game passing record, which he sat last week. Hopefully the Buffalo game will yield similar numbers. It seems that Lee Hays's AirBear is, if nothing else, putting up huge numbers in the stat sheet. I, for one, am very impressed. While we should have blown Texas State out, a win is a win. Right Jerry Hill? Right Bruins Bold? Now we look toward Buffalo and will trust that Curtis Edmonds will bring back a story for the ages. The defense played well, for the most part, and our young receiver corps is incredibly athletic and talented. We will be a force to be reckoned with in coming years; or so I am told.

Blizzle Szyzzle Puts Some "Sizzle" on his Passes

Also, we're pretty sure Brock was at the game with a painted belly, but no one took any pictures. If you have a picture of Brock, BearMeat's lovable mascot and subject of last week's caption contest, please email it to president.andrews@gmail.com. With that we present today's Photo Caption Contest, which is a two-fold contest. First, either give us a witty caption for this photo or tell us which letter you would most likely "date":

"The VMAs called and they want their 'Britney Costume' back"

Secondly, which one of these kids is most likely to be a misssionary to Africa?

The "B": "When I grow up, I wanna be just like Brock."

Photos courtesy of another stellar WacoTrib Gameday Gallery.

Gameday Hijinks

2007-09-15T10:47:00.000-06:00

As we gear up to thrash TX State, we would like to highlight the achievement of Curtis Edmonds, an Oso Amigo, who responded to our challenge to get back at the Aggies for this thread on TexasAgs.com. Well, Curtis met that challenge and upped the ante. Click here for his new line of Aggie Demotivator posters. Below are two hilarious samples. Curtis will be journeying northbound (heh, heh) to New York for the Baylor vs Buffalo game next week and promises to bring back a full report and photos! Godspeed, Curtis!

Fran Sucks. What else is new?

Brock: Leader of Men

Also, thought we would share to juicy morsels of our ill-fated September 2006 advertising campaign, when we had about 3.5 readers. The first is my Letter to the Editor of the Lariat, in which they dropped the blog link and misinterpreted Class of 1871 for Class of 1971. Good thing they've got good fact checkers over there. Its not like the alumni directory is online or anything. Oh wait, it is.

Next is our ad run in the September Rope. We're not sure anyone (including the NoZe Brothers) noticed. At least they made the appropriate meat joke, though.

1981 Cotton Bowl: Baylor vs. Bama

2007-09-15T06:25:00.000-06:00

The 1981 Cotton Bowl featured the best team Baylor University had ever assembled. This was the zenith of our power and prestige. We were ranked 6th in the nation going into the game and were 10-1, having lost a freak game to San Jose State after sweeping the SWC. Then Bama happened. Its been downhill since then. However, a win today against Texas State would represent a building block on our way back to national championship contender status. Sic 'em.

Bear vs. Elephant: Guess Who Won?

Around the Quad: The Baylor Bomber Pleads Guilty

2007-09-14T13:27:00.000-06:00

Dearest Readers,

On the eve of the game against Texas State (formerly Southwest Texas State Teacher's College for Unwed White Women), we bring you news - no, not football news (why would we report on football during the season? that is for the off-season, when we can get some perspective on what went wrong), but two very startling news items. A guilty plea by a former athlete and an engagement involving the most eligible belle at the Cattle Baron's Ball. Enjoy!

Red Andrews, Heartbroken

1. Dave Cunningham, The Baylor Bomber, Pleads Guilty to Two Counts of "Maliciously Conveying False Information." If you didn't read our coverage of former Baylor track and cross-country athlete Dave Cunningham, you need to click here and scroll to the bottom to get caught up. The short of it is that he threatened to blow up Baylor and made references to the massacre at Virginia Tech. The News 25 story includes this little nugget from the trial: "At one time during Thursday's proceeding, Cunningham burst out in laughter during the reading of the facts of the case."

"This is madness."

"No, this is BAYLOR!"

The WacoTrib's account put it thusly:

"David Paul Cunningham, 33, was arrested in May after he called a Baylor University operator and threatened to put drums of diesel fuel in buildings around campus and blow them up, according to court records. He also threatened to “kill, injure and intimidate” Baylor Police Chief Jim Doak, records said."

And what lovely Trib reporter penned that lyrical passage, you ask? Why none other than . . .

2. Emily Ingram to Wed! According to unconfirmed, anonymous reports in our comments section, WacoTrib girl-next-door hearthrob journalist and BU alum Emily Ingram has accepted a proposal to marry. Since we have no way to identify her suitor and betrothed, we assume that he is Baylor's 4th-string QB, John David Weed! What will become of the Em Zone?!? And with that, Waco's most eligible young lady has been snatched from the dating scene and has entered the realm of contractual relationships. We hope that the diamond weighs heavily on her finger, for her intended has deprived red-blooded Waco men of the fairest flower of them all. However, take heart, boys, for in the immortal words of the thrice-married terror warrior and real life he-man Rudy Giuliani: "A ring don't mean a thing." Here is a photo of the recently-engaged Miss Ingram to remind you of what she looks like.

A Barefoot/Pregnant Future for Em? Say it ain't so!

In case you are wondering, Miss Emily entered our radar when she began a hilarious video series on Baylor football, known as the Em Zone.

UPDATE: Confirmed! Em left this comment on a previous post: "Anonymous is right! thanks guys for the extra incentive he needed to close the deal!...I'm still your erin andrews, right?? Love your comments! em"

You will always be our Erin Andrews, em.

3. Em Zone "Running With the Line." Just when you think there won't be an Em Zone this week, Em busts out with her best episode yet. CLICK HERE for the video. Em ran with the Baylor Line (Baylor Frosh Fan Tradition) at the Rice game and got an inside look at the enthusiasm, mania, and pre-embittered fans who populate the Baylor Line. If you need incentive to watch, we present the following photo montage.

"Brock Hungry for OwlMeat!"

Best. Tattoo. Ever.

Baylor Football Happens.

Turnoffs: Exuberance.

Duck vs. Cougar: Requiem for an Athletic Program

2007-09-13T14:00:00.000-06:00

How we miss the days of Phi Slamma Jamma with Hakeem & Clyde and the Run & Shoot offense featuring Andre Ware and David Klingler. During the SWC days, Houston was always exciting - both in pigskin and hoops. Now, however, we have a program in true decline. When was the last time you heard anything about U of H? I can't recall. As a symbol of such a descent into obscurity, we recently were alerted to a hilarious video of the Oregon Duck getting medieval on Shasta, the UH Cougar. Its not pretty. Hat Tip to TB of Bring on the Cats and Orson of EDSBS. Also, the Duck is suspended. Could anything better symbolize Houston's miserable state of affairs in D1 Athletics? I think not.

It ain't easy being C-USA

Meaty Tidbits

2007-09-13T04:37:00.000-06:00

You are probably looking for some in-depth coverage of the Texas State game. Okay, here it is: We better not lose to Texas State. Baylor has never "officially" lost to a 1-AA program (save the "lost loss" to Lamar University in '81) and if we mess up that this season, the trip to Buffalo will be a long days journey into night. If you are looking for something a bit more substantive, go see BruinsBold. They do the analysis, we do the comedy. With that, here are a few Meaty Tidbits to aid your digestion as you sit and watch your soul rot in your cubicle in North Dallas, listening to your Aggie cubicle mate prattle on about how they are going to decimate "The U" aka Miami.

Wendy Does Waco has added images and reports on her trip to the Dancing Bear Pub. Her new multi-media approach to blogging bodes well for the future of zany Waco blogs.
Lyndon Baines Johnson was a graduate of Texas State (then Southwest Texas State Teacher's College - lesson: drop the regional affiliation and vocational reference and you are a state-wide university!) and the great-grandson of Baylor president George Washington Baines. If only he had attended BU, like his momma did - we'd have that presidential library by now. That is your historical link for Saturday's game. Here is a photo of LBJ just relaxin'.

"Y'all Know I Love The Ladies"

Aggie Message Board, TexasAgs.com, posts mean photos of Baylor and rags on our school, our team, our pride and our traditions. Here is the thread. Below is an example of their inspired handiwork. To arms!

One Win in 20 Years - Gigged!

The Class of the SWC: Grant Teaff Interviews Darrell Royal

2007-09-12T04:52:00.000-06:00

Fascinating interview during a 1995 football game in which Grant Teaff interviews his old coaching rival Darrell Royal in which they discuss the Miracle on the Brazos of 1974. Great stuff.

Two Titans of SWC Football

On a lighter note, here are two freak-nasty TCU tailgaters with an ebony & ivory dance routine that may just turn into a viral video. Or not.

Two Titans of the TCU Tailgate Dance Team

Dispatches from Washington State: A Bear in Cougar Country

2007-09-11T06:00:00.000-06:00

[This is a letter to the Editors of BearMeat, a sharp-tongued and barely lucid blog about Baylor Sports and alt.waco.culture. The three reincarnated fools who run BearMeat appointed me Assistant Editor of Research and Fan Club President recently. I now give them cause to regret their actions. - Asst. Editor LoomisBoy]

Loomisboy Suffers Inextricable Cougar-Bear Karmic Link

Dear BearMeat Editors,

On the afternoon of Sept. 16 2006 I was struck by a bolt of karmic lightning and have been suffering from the ethereal equivalent of delirium tremens ever since. Gentlemen, I fear for my sanity. Allow me to explain, if explanation is possible. Perhaps you can help.

On that fateful day in 2006 I was standing in front of my home, doing my best to avoid any report of the Baylor-Washington State game in progress. (You will remember when you appointed me as Assistant Editor of Research and Fan Club President that I am a Cougar by birth location and a Bear by life path). Just then my sister and her husband pull in the driveway. Janine rolls down the window (do we still "roll" windows in this modern era?) and says, "Why aren't you listening to the game?" in that voice only a kid sister can use and get away with.

(In the eastern two-thirds of Washington, on Saturday afternoon there is no need to explain what game. Of course she means the Washington State University Cougars. Our Division I teams are few and far between in this part of the world, unlike Texas which seems to have them in every hamlet. There is rumored to be a pack of dogs west of the Cascades with pretentious ambitions toward college athletic prowess, but all of us in area code 509 know that Coasties are notorious liars. The only football team of note over there plays in the NFL.)

(Can you tell by the many parenthetical interruptions that my very sanity is at stake here?) I told Janine that I was too conflicted to listen to the game. (As I alluded to above, you will recall that I was born, raised and continue to live in Cougar country [where real cougars actually roam with impunity and occasionally kill real {albeit either young or stupid} people]. I found my way as a youth to Bear Country [where the only bears are caged females who exist to amuse frat boys with too much time on their hands {and yes, you can read too much into that last line}]. Separated by the 2,500 miles of mountains and prairies between Loomis and Waco, I learned to embrace two college football loyalties. My simple bliss was interrupted only once, in 1994 when the two met in the Alamo Bowl. I sat mute in front of the TV and couldn't speak for hours afterwards. I assumed such a football eclipse would never happen again, and went on with my life.)

"Well stick your head in here and listen anyway" she commanded. It was the last two minutes of the fourth quarter, and the game was not yet decided. You will recall what a nail-biter it was, settled with only 9 seconds remaining as WSU scored a field goal and held on. As Bob Roberts, the golden baritone of the Palouse for more than 40 years, announced the Cougar victory, I was suddenly transported to another plain of existence. I could see myself, head sticking in car window, listening to the game. At that moment the duality of my fanboy life appeared before my eyes, and I realized that by listening to the game I had shifted a delicate eternal balance. From that moment on, the fate of my two favorite teams were inextricably linked -- and I was the karmic link. Both went on to have rotten seasons, adding insult to misery.

I have fought hard to put that moment -- and that season -- out of my mind. But the start of the 2007 season finds me as firmly convinced of the karmic link as ever. Baylor and WSU are both 1-1. Both had rotten openers on the road, then came back in week two to post glorious victories. Both wins were lead by record-setting performances at quarterback. I am now hopelessly resolved to the fact that Baylor and WSU are -- because of my very existence -- twins in parallel universes, with me stretched between them as 10,000 volts of karmic energy surge through me to connect the two sets of warriors.

I sense my destiny in all this is only the continuation of something much bigger than Loomisboy, BearMeat or any pathetic blog entry. When WSU visited Waco for the first meeting between the two teams (1952), the noble Cougars brought black athletes into Baylor Stadium for the very first time. The four were forced to stay in a separate hotel, but as one of them later said, "We fraternized in the black community and were treated well." (Do realize that four black players at WSU represented a sizeable percentage of the black population of eastern Washington in those days.) In 1966, when Baylor traveled north to meet the Cougars, The B's first black player, an ordained Baptist minister (no less) by the name of John Hill Westbrook scored Baylor's winning touchdown.

The two teams meet again in Waco in 2008. Part of me wants to gather some friends and do a road trip to Waco (driving time one-way, 48 hours). Another part of me wants to gather my children and do a road trip to West Edmonton Mall (driving time one way, 16 hours) a world away from any thought of college football and fanboy karmic links. I would hate to be the cause of a karmic bolt of lightning striking whatever row of Floyd Casey Stadium I might be seated in that day.

Your erstwhile reporter,

Loomisboy

TurdPolishers: Et tu, Brute?

2007-09-11T05:37:00.000-06:00

Revolution is like Saturn, it devours its own children. -- Georg Büchner (1813–1837), German dramatist, revolutionary

We thought our readers might be interested in just how nasty things have turned over at the Turd Polishing Factory known as baylorfans.com. Apparently some discontent commenters have set out to expose the identities of other commenters, including a few professors. They have set up a blog with the eponymous label of "Baylor Fans" which does just that.

"The victory over Rice proves my point: We're BCS bound!"

Note to self: discontinue commenting on Baylorfans.com. Do not piss off individuals on Baylorfans.com. Let them polish their turds in peace.

[TurdPolishers.com is BearMeat's term for the Baylor sports message board, Baylorfans.com. The name refers to the eternal optimism of the commenters, many of whom can take any 60 point loss and turn it into a moral victory. The ability to put a nice shiny polish on any old turd is unparalleled among D1 message boards. - Eds.]

BearMeat Photo Caption Contest

2007-09-10T13:21:00.000-06:00

"Bob, go ahead and liquidate my Halliburton stock . . . what? No, this isn't an inconvenient time to discuss this. Just gettin' my belly painted for the Rice game. Yeah. Lost a bet to a Sig Ep alum."

Thanks to Wendy Does Waco for alerting us to perhaps the greatest photo ever to grace this site. More reason to check out all 285 photos in the WacoTrib Rice game gallery. Feel free to leave your own caption in the comments section. The winner will get a free pre-polished turd and case of Rebel Yell whiskey mailed to their home. Please, no P.O. Boxes.

UPDATE: The winner of the contest is the subject of the photo himself, "Brock." Yes, dear readers, that is his name and it is awesome. Here is his caption for his own photo: "hurry up and finish so i can go get me one of those damn good looking hot dogs on the grill."

Support Baylor Theatre

2007-09-09T18:49:00.001-06:00

Just watch.

Bear vs. Owl, Part 5: The Interns Rejoice

2007-09-09T17:49:00.001-06:00

Just how high are our spirits at the ALICO building after the 42-17 crushing of the Rice Owls? This video is actual footage of Interns Emeritus Jimmy Fallon and Parker Posey upon hearing of Baylor's record-setting victory over our ancient foe. Enjoy!

Emily Ingram, The George Plimpton of the 2-5-4

2007-09-09T15:33:00.000-06:00

Em: The Girl Next Door; not one of those "girls next door"

BearMeat is proud to announce that WacoTrib hearthrob and intrepid journalist Emily Ingram now has her own page, The Em Zone, on the WacoTrib's site. It features the photo above and links to the two videos. Does anyone else see George Plimpton parallels in her reporting? Sic 'em, Em!

Plimpton: The Man, The Myth

For future episodes, may we suggest an Em Zone on George's Tent? No? Then how about an Em Zone on All-Girl Cheer coach Susie Oliver? No? Then how about an Em Zone on Matt Singletary, son of the legend? Or Joe "The Baptist" Pawelek, the future All-American? Much work is yet to be done, young Emily . . .

Bear vs. Owl, Part 4: There Can Be Only One

2007-09-08T20:58:00.000-06:00

#6 Goes for 6

Wow, what a turnaround. Szymanski went from throwing 3 interceptions and failing to throw a single touchdown in the humiliating loss to TCU last week, to a Herculean effort against the Rice Owls setting four significant Baylor records. Keep in mind we have been playing football since 1899. When the dust settled in the 42-17 blowout over the Owls, the Bears ate their honey and reflected on the four historic marks reached by young Blake.

Most TDs thrown in a game: 6, Blake "Stem Cell" Szymanski, 9/8/07, Rice

Most passing yards in a game: 412, Blake "The Polish Pony" Szymanski, 9/8/07, Rice

Most 1st Quarter TDs thrown a game: 3, Blake "The Highlander" Szymanski, 9/8/07, Rice

Most TDs thrown in one half: 4, Blizzle Szyizzle, 9/8/07, Rice

Szymanski in Triumph

This is significant because Rice is a D1 team against whom we have been playing since 1914. Its not like this is some random crappy school. We've never put up numbers like this before against Rice. Today AirBear functioned as it should and Blake and his corps of faceless receivers worked it to perfection. It was great to win the home opener against an old SWC foe and it was great to see Blake Szymanski emerge from the 4 QB Circus. There can be only one.

Sic 'em, Bears!

Uhh . . . 1991 called and wants its denim shorts back

[Great WacoTrib Gameday Fan Gallery. Why were only 34 Rice fans at the game? Were they too busy making money and feeling superior to us? Who the hell are the dudes in the picture above. If I didn't know that photo was taken today, I would swear it was from the early 1990s.]

Bear vs. Owl, Part 3: Rice Honey

2007-09-08T09:12:00.000-06:00

Thanks to The Rice Football Newsletter (A more pathetic enterprise than BearMeat? At least we cover a great women's hoops program), an endearing Rice fan site, we have this great image to renew the rivalry with Rice University, our old SWC foe, whom we haven't played since 1995. Say what you will about Ian McCaw, at least we're playing our historic rivals again (SMU, TCU, Rice, etc). With that, we say "Sic 'em, Bears! Beat the Owls! Get that honey!"