Thursday, November 08, 2007

Soolai, Soolai, Solomon


All right, miss. Have you or has any member of your family ever been diagnosed schizophrenic or mentally incompetent?

Well, my uncle thought he was St. Jerome.

Jerome Solomon. I don't know him. You don't know him. Houstonians might know him. Jerry Hill probably does. The Hearst Corporation knows him. This man with two historically relevant Christian names is a Houston Chronic sports writer. His blog is called King Solomon's DingleBerries (and for the life of me, I don't know how that got past the Chronic's Editors). He has opinions on The B's football crises.

Let us dissect!

Sez St. Jerome:
POOR Cousin Baylor. If a tree falls on a Bear in the forest ... oh, forget it; no one would be around to hear it anyway.

True. Very true. The Church is slow; therefore, The Bear is slow. How many Bears must we sacrifice before reformations occur? How many TurdPolishers must be cultivated before reality sinks in? How many witty remarks must St. Jerome summon in order to scratch the surface of all the problems of The B's football program?

Is there a less relevant program in a relevant conference in the country? Don't even think about it. That's like debating the quality of Caveman compared to Carpoolers.

The bet here is that had Morriss been running a VIP Connection newsletter, it wouldn't have made $50, and its discovery would not have made national news.

Baylor...couldn't get a volunteer fire department to show up with a cup of water if it set the fake grass at Floyd Casey Stadium ablaze with the entire team on the field.

Baylor is that odd cousin whose name you're too embarrassed to put on those silly family tree T-shirts.

...few are thinking about poor Cousin Baylor.

...Morriss shouldn't make any contractual commitments - not even a frequent sandwich card at Subway - that might take more than a month to complete.

Poor Cousin Baylor.

(In your best Count von Count voice) Seven! Seven witty remarks! AH HA HA HA HA! And that's leaving out the opening salvo. After that, St. Jerome actually spends the second half of the article discussing the issues, and it's a rather pleasant and frank read.

However, there exists two issues which King Solomon fails to deliver us from evil. First and foremost, the intricacies and ball-rubbing that involves the Board of Regents is not hit upon. That's a hard subject though. We are dealing with Baptists Overlords here.

The "Bapal" State that really runs The B's football program values the teetotaling do-gooder qualities of a coach as much and maybe more than having strong management and teaching attributes. Just because you are a "good person/Christian" doesn't mean you automatically know how to teach and lead your pupils. Now, I'm not saying we should outright disregard the "shady" habits of an individual, but I do believe we should be able to discuss our coaches and potential coaches without having to think about their personal vices.

Hell. What if BearMeat championed for UTEP's Mike Price as our next head ball coach? He screwed a stripper for cash per Sports Illustrated, sued the magazine, and won his defamation lawsuit. Cleaned up his name, in my fantasy world, I guess. But I sure as hell know that the Bapal State would not give two shits about him. Sinner.

The second topic from Solomon's article that I have an issue with deals with the end of the 2005 5-6 season.

Morriss looked like the real deal and seemed to be headed toward making the Bears solid, but he wasn't rewarded with a contract extension after that 5-6 season. That couldn't have helped recruiting.

True. It did seem like a phoenix-like rebirth of The B was about to occur, but a contract was in place (a very nice 'n' rich contract at that) and recruitment should not hinge on such matters. If recruiting was hurt because GuyMo was not re-rewarded after the 5-6 season, then good riddance. $2.5 million dollars into his bank account for the next two seasons should not hurt recruiting efforts. That's bullshit.

Naw. I think changing the whole freakin' offense gameplan to CareBear hurt the damn efforts during the 2005-2006 offseason. Too much tinkering; too little teaching. The mental state of every GuyMo coached team has always been erratic. From the "Bluegrass Miracle," to the 2006 Baylor offensive line, and let us make our final destination with the 2007 4 Ring Quarterback Circus. GuyMo has got to go.

But the problem here is really messed up. Our Bapal State actually stepped outside its normal boundaries and went with a beer drinking, motorcycle riding (hide the children, Ma), dog tag wearing teacher who lacked the skills in managing, mentoring, promoting, sustaining and nurturing a Southern Baptists business - Baylor Football.

No one can realistically blame Guy entirely. He'll probably be the first Baylor coach to actually get another headcoaching job after leaving here. I honestly don't think anyone can coach The B to success and continual success in the Big 12. Maybe it's time for Conference USA, Mountain West, or the WAC.

In conclusion, I hereby announce my intentions to include into the Vision 2012 a provision that states Baylor football must attend a bowl game before the year 2012 or else be relegated to a weaker conference or become an Independent. Hell, we probably could have beaten Notre Dame this year. I also propose hiring an up and coming coordinator or assistant from a well-coached and established program. No more NFL products for now.

Thank you for your time and Sic 'Em.

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  • Pat that bordered on actual journalism. I am impressed. I am somewhat offended by the jabber about leaving the Big 12, not there yet.

    Thanks for a nice analysis
    (as I raise a glass of Rebel Yell)

    By Anonymous poopsandwich, at 6:21 PM  

  • Poop,

    Thanks for the kind comments. I was thinking in a fantasy world where just the football team is relegated or at least given a handicap at the beginning of a game.

    I would definitely not want any other sport out of the Big 12. Especially equestrian. I love me some dressage. Preferably some jalapeƱo ranch dressage. Mmmm, croutons.


    By Blogger Pat Neffistopheles, at 8:52 AM  

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