Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The President Bids Farewell to BearMeat

Dear Readers,

How I love the seventeen of you with all of my being. So, it is with a heavy heart and a belly full of Rebel Yell that I must speak honestly: The ghost you know as President Reddin "Red" Andrews is resigning from the BearMeat Editorial Board. I have been invited to play in that great Texas Hold 'Em Game in the sky with Abner McCall and Ann Richards, where the whiskey flows and the cigar smoke is thick. The blog afterlife beckons me home - from whence I came in July of 2006.

Resigning to "Spend more time with my family"

My principal editorial duties (fawning over Emily Ingram, worshipping Mulk, praising Brock, mocking Drew, and lamenting Kevin Steele) will be shared between The Good Judge (who promises to return from his three-month hibernation within the next three months) and the Guvn'r (whose enthusiasm as of late portends great things for the future of these here BearMeats). I will miss all of the fellow bloggers I met along the way who have helped us become the go-to blog for Baylor sports satire. I want to thank all of our Oso Amigos and BearBackers for their support and encouragement through the last year and a half.

Sloan, GuyMo & Red: The 3 Amigos of Houston Baptist U

I realize that now that GuyMo is gone, the albatross has been taken from our necks and we have a clean slate to work with. I also realize that the Gentleman Bears just won the Paradise Jam Crown in the Virgin Islands with victories over Notre Dame and Winthrop. These are optimistic times to be a Baylor fan. However, I am a writer who needs a certain level of melancholy and pathos in order to be inspired. These events have proved too much for my frail constitution. Some times an old cowboy just has to hang up his spurs.

Paradise Jam Champions?!?! A New Era Dawns . . .

Seriously, thank you all for reading and commenting on my posts and I will be with this blog in spirit, ala Obi Wan Kenobi, as it continues to stagger into the future with a heart full of hope and a belly full of hallucinogens.

Sic 'em, Bears!


Red Andrews
Senior Editor, BearMeat

Monday, November 19, 2007

Eagle vs. Bear: Sorta Live Bloggin'

So the Alico got the DVR. Apparently I thought Judge Baylor was talking about some sexual disease he had obtained from our latest untested intern, Clerk Judith McKenzie Le. But no, the good Judge was speaking of a marvelous technological advantage that recorded games while one is watching other awesome TV shows, such as... 2 1/2 Men??? We love it. But we also pay for sex. $2.13 an hour is cheap though.

Anyway, seeing a Baylor team compete with other adequate sport teams is pretty awesome after these past months. However, Winthrop is a team that we should be beating the hell out of...and that would be the case if we had any real inside presence. K-Rog already has 10 fouls, Lomers is still goofy as ever....and fouling, and LaceDarius is going to be the talk of these here BearMeats for as many years as our bandwidth can handle him. Oh yeah, Curtis Jerrells is our MVP. That's important.

Scott Drew's Playbook is on EBay apparently.

Go G-Bears. Go L-Bears (they got a sweet game coming up soon).

Here's to a renewed optimism. Seasons come, Seasons change.

Sic 'em Bears. Sic 'em Lomers. Sic 'em Fox Sports Pacific Central.


Guvn'r Pat's Scenes From a TurdPolisher

At approximately 3pm, Central Standard Time, the following image was snapped and stolen from the craziest and inane internet sports fan message board, TurdPolishers.com.

TurdPolishers is an exact science created by mixing 2 part Drudge Report, 1/4 part Regents University, 1/2 part Bob Jones University, 4 part Green & Gold Kool-Aid, and 1 part Robert B. Sloan, Jr. Grade-A One-Size-Fits-All Diaphragm.

[Eds. note - Good luck finding that last one. Have you seen the size of that family???]

Let's take a look into each of these profound topics of discussion at TurdPolishers.

  • Michael Vick Surrenders - Sometimes it takes a while for us Texans to receive news. See Juneteenth.
  • Perfect Storm - TurdPolishers love to cast famous Baylor folks in their favorite movie roles. In this instance Guy Morriss would play the role of George Clooney, Aaron Bruce would reprise the role made famous by Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberg, and the $250 million mortgaged by the Baylor Board of Regents would be The Perfect Storm. Quite interesting indeed.
  • I just hope... - Baylor doesn't find out I am a homosexual attempting to free the caged bears on campus and kick me out because I just spent $32k on my freshman tuition/room & board.
  • What is Nutt's church affiliation? - This quite possibly could be the number one question asked in the search process for a head ball coach at Baylor. Second question would be "Do you drink the alcohol?"
  • My list of candidates... - Cos the qualified coaches are banging down the Baylor door. I'm pretty sure it's a list of 3A and 4A high school coaches.
  • Do You Think Mike Is Stupid? - Typical question from a TurdPolisher. Yes, I think he is stupid and has erectile dysfunction as well. Any other questions? Yes? You in the back. I do believe he wears small glasses because he has a large penis. Thus the problem with it erecting. No more questions, please. Peace Out.
  • What About Patterson? - Fatty McPatterson has a great job at TCU. Sorry, broseph.
  • DMN: Saviour Will Not Coach The B - Face it. The B's football program is a lot like Carrot Top...Box Office Poison. Singletary will be wise to stay away.
  • The Truth About... - Anonymous posters know more about football and running a program than the Baylor Athletic Dept. That is probably yet sadly true. (whimper)
  • and finally, Encouraging News From Pat Neff(istopeheles) - BearMeat will never die!!!!!

Baptists Defeat the Catholics! Tommy Bowden & the Lutherans Pray for Big Money!

Where's yer Messiah now, Beckwith?

The G-Bears have victoriously moved on to the finals of Aaron Bruce's All-Star Poon-Tang Jam in a hot 'n' sweaty affair in the deeply thatched jungles of the U.S. Virgin Islands. The Notre Dame B-Ball team put up a valiant effort in the 68-64 loss; however, the heroic efforts of Curtis Jerrells guided the Fightin' Baptists to a Crusade-like victory.

The Chosen One

I am a little concerned that The B only put up 47 three point attempts in the wins over the Shockers and the Catholics. Whoa...that sounds like Wednesday night's theme from last week's BearMeat Fetish Extravaganza & Symposium. We're so sorry we were busy and did not inform you of same.

Ooooh. Such a devious glare! Nice.

In other news, Baylor Football is still jacked up.

Sez Ian McCAW-(CAW!):

Baylor's assistant coaches will remain in place to continue their work with the student-athletes in the program, recruit and oversee program operations. The program's three coordinators (Lee Hays, Larry Hoefer and Kasey Dunn) will work together to provide leadership of the program until the search is completed.

Nooooooooo. I don't mind Hoefer, but giving leadership roles to Hays and Dunn is like placing an Aggie, a sheep, a bucket of Crisco, and a coonskin cap in the same room. Everything eventually gets fucked.

Come home to Momma, Poppa Bear.

Peace Out, Bears. Don't give us Houston Nutt (although Nutt jokes could be...no, don't hire him, please).

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GuyMo's Final Words

From the mouth of the esteemed Jerry Hill (may you one day be able to drop "assistant" from your title. Like me.)...

After failing to produce the “winner” he promised five years ago, Baylor head football coach Guy Morriss was fired Sunday afternoon and left with two words: “Peace out.”

Sic 'Em GuyMo


Sunday, November 18, 2007

Goodbye to Guy Morriss


Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I don't like Mondays: It's Wednesday Edition

OK. Move it along, folks. Nothing to see here. Keep walking.

And that is what we shall do. BearMeat reserves the right to lean heavily on our hollow crutches filled to the brim with Rebel Yell this upcoming Saturday. This season has dragged on far too long. The week has been slow and arduous here. It's hard to get up out of bed and say to yourself, "Dammit! I'm going to do my best to be the best satirist I can be about the most satirical BCS football program in the country! I AM A bEARmEAT WRITER....Yay!?"

BearMeat in Stillwater. Circa Spring '07.

Anyways...Bruins Bold has done an excellent job of detailing and explaining the GuyMo era, which we think we can safely say is almost over. Let's just get the hell outta dodge and get on to other sports. Winnable sports. As in Big 12 Conference victories sports.

Infared BearMeat searching for the infamous Oklahoma Predator

TurdPolishing has invaded the Dallas Morning News. I do think it was nice to see the O-Line show up to play this year. They are far and away the ComeBack Players of the Year award winners. According to our inside sources, Blake Szymanski apparently has hands the size of a 9 month baby and a heart as fragile as a pet rabbit. Cheers to our new season passing leader in various categories of statistic greatness! Jeers to non-contact turnovers!

J.J. Joe, you're still my favorite Bear QB.

[An important side note here. Would you believe that some Baylor football "fans" don't prefer Mike Singletary as head ball coach because he is married to a white woman??? Some of the pricks on TurdPolishers.com make Aggies look like decent human beings. What a pathetic display of support for Baylor. The fervor over there used to make me chuckle. Now it's more like vomit.]

Anyways. Watch out Waco! Community leaders are actually thinking about not putting up the giant Texas Ranger statue. Let's see what the local businesses are saying...

Honey Rader, owner of Honeys Home+Style in downtown Waco, said the statue wouldn't help the city's image.

Radar said especially if it reminds people of the Branch Davidians and their deadly standoff with law enforcement.

Honey?...Rader?...Quite possibly the best name ever?!

"More Honey! Less Statue!"

The Gentlemen Bears are headed to the Virgin Islands for the Paradise Jam Tournament, and all I can think about is how much poon-tanging Aaron Bruce will be accomplishing on Temptation Island. If any of you all out there have some hot, soft-core action stories about The Bruce, please forward it our way. Please. Also, I really hope we play and crush Notre Dame in the tournament. That would be awesome.

"Throw another virgin on the barbie, mate!"

The Lady Bears play tomorrow night against Texas Pan-Am and then take a ten-day break until a Sunday match-up in Waco with the California "Golden" Bears. This will be a televised game on FSN and a great game to boot. A Baylor victory will help propel them to top ten status in the polls and an eventual National Championship. We are known for our embellishment.

Devanei Hampton (Not Pictured): "My hands are bigger than Blake Szymanski. Period."

Alright, chew on that. Green 'n' Gold in Solidarity. Sic 'Em Bears.


Monday, November 12, 2007

Right Now: Return of the International 3 Point Carnival

The following is a YouTube of BearIllustrated.com's attempt to hype up the men's basketball season. It contains the absolute makings of 2007 Baylor Men's Basketball Gold: Coach Drew's defensive schemes, 3-Pointers!, Josh "Slumlord" Lomers, Van Halen's "Right Now," and of course the cheesy tag lines using the "Right Now" phrase.

Enjoy Baylor Basketball and Crystal Pepsi!

Right Now Josh Lomers is peddling the vegetable cart!


Sunday, November 11, 2007

Bear vs. Landgrabber: A Televised Mess

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Psalm 13:2

First, let us take stock of the good news from last night's game: Blyzzle Szyzzle broke Shawn Bell's single-season records for passing yards and touchdowns. The defense performed honorably in the first half (as they have in most conference games). The offensive line continues to soldier on in spite of the gloom and doom of our fate looming over the field. Brandon Whitaker played like the Crown Prince of Oklahoma, refusing to give in, give up or give an inch. His character and honor, in addition to his amazing performance, were awe-inspiring. [All photos courtesy of WacoTrib Photo Gallery]

#2: "This is my own, my native land!"

Of course, it wasn't all wine and roses. Our special teams, our offense, and our coaching was atrocious. This game and the next will be so full of pathos that it will be difficult for us to report on them. Too many memories of the Last Days of Kevin Steele. The saddest part about GuyMo's inevitable departure is that for two seasons (2005 & 2006) put together two teams who were legitimate bowl contenders. He came the closest a Baylor team has ever come to beating OU in 2005 with a 2OT loss, and was one 4th & 20 breakdown away from knocking off A&M two years in a row. GuyMo helped raise the expectations for performance that eventually precluded his further employment at Baylor.

Lo, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death

Perhaps it was importing that West Texas A&M offense that we didn't have the talent for. Or perhaps it was the flight of good assistants in the off season. Perhaps it was the dreadful recruiting . Perhaps it was the lack of decisiveness about the most crucial position on the field. No 5 QB rotation has ever led to a bowl game. If the coach is unsure about who the QB is until the season opener, the rest of the team then knows the coach lacks confidence in the field generals he has and the team as a whole. Regardless, the coaches set the tone and call the plays. Whether or not the administration has been fully supportive of GuyMo is a subject of legitimate debate. Whether Sloan, Lilley and/or the Board of Regents hung him out to dry will be a subject of much speculation for years to come. What we do know is that he was able to achieve moderate success with Steele's recruits, but not his own. He couldn't close out the majority of close games and couldn't prevent a full-blown tailspin this season. GuyMo did much to bring back a fighting, competitive spirit to Baylor and for that we are truly thankful. He did deliver our first win over hated A&M since Reagan was president. He did bring us two season of multiple conference wins. These are important steps in teh right direction. We lament the "leaking" of his impending termination with two games yet to be played. This is truly unfair to the coach, but especially the team, whose morale must be in the depths. Yet, the time has come and what has been done cannot be undone.



Friday, November 09, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: Baylor Athletic Dept. Responds

In light of the most recent embarrassment resulting from the ongoing tug of war for power between the Baylor Board of Regents and the actual Baylor Athletic Department, a video response has been hastily put together per the direction of Athletic Director Ian McCaw. BearMeat is proud to be the first to unveil this video. We appreciate the efforts by the Athletic Department to keep the humiliation of this football season to a minimum, and we especially are privileged to have a comment from Ian McCaw:

We'll evaluate the program at the end of [this video].


DMN and Chronicle Report: GuyMo is Gone After Season

According to the Dallas Morning News and the Houston Chronicle, sources within the athletic department have stated that Guy Morriss will be gone after the season - Baylor will buy out the remainder of his contract. Here is News 6's coverage of this pre-mature news.

Anyone think The B has a chance against OU or Okie St with that news out there? Keep in mind that we have never beaten Oklahoma in 108 years of football. Sic 'em.


Thursday, November 08, 2007

Soolai, Soolai, Solomon


All right, miss. Have you or has any member of your family ever been diagnosed schizophrenic or mentally incompetent?

Well, my uncle thought he was St. Jerome.

Jerome Solomon. I don't know him. You don't know him. Houstonians might know him. Jerry Hill probably does. The Hearst Corporation knows him. This man with two historically relevant Christian names is a Houston Chronic sports writer. His blog is called King Solomon's DingleBerries (and for the life of me, I don't know how that got past the Chronic's Editors). He has opinions on The B's football crises.

Let us dissect!

Sez St. Jerome:
POOR Cousin Baylor. If a tree falls on a Bear in the forest ... oh, forget it; no one would be around to hear it anyway.

True. Very true. The Church is slow; therefore, The Bear is slow. How many Bears must we sacrifice before reformations occur? How many TurdPolishers must be cultivated before reality sinks in? How many witty remarks must St. Jerome summon in order to scratch the surface of all the problems of The B's football program?

Is there a less relevant program in a relevant conference in the country? Don't even think about it. That's like debating the quality of Caveman compared to Carpoolers.

The bet here is that had Morriss been running a VIP Connection newsletter, it wouldn't have made $50, and its discovery would not have made national news.

Baylor...couldn't get a volunteer fire department to show up with a cup of water if it set the fake grass at Floyd Casey Stadium ablaze with the entire team on the field.

Baylor is that odd cousin whose name you're too embarrassed to put on those silly family tree T-shirts.

...few are thinking about poor Cousin Baylor.

...Morriss shouldn't make any contractual commitments - not even a frequent sandwich card at Subway - that might take more than a month to complete.

Poor Cousin Baylor.

(In your best Count von Count voice) Seven! Seven witty remarks! AH HA HA HA HA! And that's leaving out the opening salvo. After that, St. Jerome actually spends the second half of the article discussing the issues, and it's a rather pleasant and frank read.

However, there exists two issues which King Solomon fails to deliver us from evil. First and foremost, the intricacies and ball-rubbing that involves the Board of Regents is not hit upon. That's a hard subject though. We are dealing with Baptists Overlords here.

The "Bapal" State that really runs The B's football program values the teetotaling do-gooder qualities of a coach as much and maybe more than having strong management and teaching attributes. Just because you are a "good person/Christian" doesn't mean you automatically know how to teach and lead your pupils. Now, I'm not saying we should outright disregard the "shady" habits of an individual, but I do believe we should be able to discuss our coaches and potential coaches without having to think about their personal vices.

Hell. What if BearMeat championed for UTEP's Mike Price as our next head ball coach? He screwed a stripper for cash per Sports Illustrated, sued the magazine, and won his defamation lawsuit. Cleaned up his name, in my fantasy world, I guess. But I sure as hell know that the Bapal State would not give two shits about him. Sinner.

The second topic from Solomon's article that I have an issue with deals with the end of the 2005 5-6 season.

Morriss looked like the real deal and seemed to be headed toward making the Bears solid, but he wasn't rewarded with a contract extension after that 5-6 season. That couldn't have helped recruiting.

True. It did seem like a phoenix-like rebirth of The B was about to occur, but a contract was in place (a very nice 'n' rich contract at that) and recruitment should not hinge on such matters. If recruiting was hurt because GuyMo was not re-rewarded after the 5-6 season, then good riddance. $2.5 million dollars into his bank account for the next two seasons should not hurt recruiting efforts. That's bullshit.

Naw. I think changing the whole freakin' offense gameplan to CareBear hurt the damn efforts during the 2005-2006 offseason. Too much tinkering; too little teaching. The mental state of every GuyMo coached team has always been erratic. From the "Bluegrass Miracle," to the 2006 Baylor offensive line, and let us make our final destination with the 2007 4 Ring Quarterback Circus. GuyMo has got to go.

But the problem here is really messed up. Our Bapal State actually stepped outside its normal boundaries and went with a beer drinking, motorcycle riding (hide the children, Ma), dog tag wearing teacher who lacked the skills in managing, mentoring, promoting, sustaining and nurturing a Southern Baptists business - Baylor Football.

No one can realistically blame Guy entirely. He'll probably be the first Baylor coach to actually get another headcoaching job after leaving here. I honestly don't think anyone can coach The B to success and continual success in the Big 12. Maybe it's time for Conference USA, Mountain West, or the WAC.

In conclusion, I hereby announce my intentions to include into the Vision 2012 a provision that states Baylor football must attend a bowl game before the year 2012 or else be relegated to a weaker conference or become an Independent. Hell, we probably could have beaten Notre Dame this year. I also propose hiring an up and coming coordinator or assistant from a well-coached and established program. No more NFL products for now.

Thank you for your time and Sic 'Em.

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Wednesday, November 07, 2007

BearMeat Caption Contest

Thanks to Asst Editor Scamp for alerting us to the reality of the upcoming Lady & Gentlemen Bears hoops seasons. In honor of Admiral Mulk and Baby Face Drew, we present this photo from the WacoTrib's photo gallery of the Waco Chamber Tip-Off Luncheon. Please provide funny captions if you have nothing better to do with your time. Our caption submission is featured below the photograph. You may remember our last caption contest revealed a full-figured undergraduate superstar to our readership. We speak, of course, of none other than Brock.

Drew + Mulk = One Incredible Coach and Scott Drew

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The Nail in the Coffin

Following the public relations disaster of the Tet Offensive during the Vietnam War, it was clear that not only was the U.S. not winning the "hearts and minds" of the South Vietnamese, but it was losing the hearts and minds of the American people as well. In his famous broadcast from February 27th, 1968, Walter Cronkite, the trusted voice of news anchor neutrality, gave his personal opinion that the war was, at best, a stalemate. In response to this historic broadcast, then-President LBJ said, "If I've lost Cronkite, I've lost middle America."

Obviously no parallel to our current success in Iraq

We of the BearMeat Editorial Board love and respect fellow Baylor sports blogger (albiet for the mainstream media WacoTrib) Jerry Hill of the Bear Blog. Jerry's reporting is always top-notch, professional and thorough. Since Jerry covers the college sports beat in a medium-sized city with one major Division 1 program, it is a difficult balance to strike between getting close to your sources and keeping your journalistic integrity in tact. Jerry has refrained from overt criticism of Baylor coaches when journalists at larger papers in larger cities would have gone for the jugular - this is one of the limitations of his work and we don't fault him for it. After Saturday's loss to Texas Tech, however, Mr. Hill has given up on GuyMo. His Bear Blog has turned on this awful season and Guy Morriss' 5-year tenure as head coach of The B. (Exhibit 1 and Exhibit 2) Therefore, we say, that if Guy Morriss has lost Jerry Hill, he has lost Baylor.

"Do not ask for whom the bell tolls . . . "

Schnupp: The Final Word

Leave it to the NoZe Brothers to have the final say on former assistant football coach Eric Schnupp, whose urinary antics at Scruffy's were the stuff of nation-wide watercooler conversation. This ad for Scruffy Murphy's in the Homecoming Rope (pdf version) pretty much sums up the whole affair.

Schnupp: If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you could ever imagine

[P.S. Does anyone remember Dr. Brann Flake's Summer Lecture post last summer about Schnupp's recruiting skills? Or the Guvn'r's eerily prophetic substance abuse suggestion? Quote: "The word on the street is that Coach Schnupp used to drop a ton of acid back in his days at the U."]

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Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Crank that Baylor Bear

Some of our older/out-of-touch readers may not recognize this song "Soulja Boy" and its accompanying dance moves, but to see Baylor students perform it with some modified lyrics is quite hilarious. The interracial composition of the dance team makes me feel that Baylor isn't as self-segregated as it used to be. Brings a tear to my eye - Baylor's own contemporary "Ebony and Ivory." Can any of our student readers tell us which dorm this is? Is it Hogwarts? North Village? The facilities look very new. Bonus: If you watch the whole thing you will see a rather excellent rendition of "The Carlton" - a dance made popular on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Monday, November 05, 2007

I don't like Mondays: Week 1

This is my version of Red's "Around the Quad." First and foremost, I'd like to thank Red in front of this BearMeat audience for all the hard work he has put forth into keeping the Editorial Board somewhat sober and the BearMeaty world kicking. You wouldn't believe the amount of interventions we've had this year. He's dubbed those dark times, "I Extend My Olive Branch Towards You, My Friend. Please Do Not Touch My Hairy Olive Pits." Thanks and huzzah, Red.

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Another successful BearMeat intervention by President Red Andrews

Anyways, Mondays are bitter pills for fans of the B. It hasn't really fazed me throughout this whole damn farce of a football season, but today I am especially bitter. Maybe the fact that our newest Intern, Yemal Grangerson, delivered a case of Wiser's Whiskey instead of our usual Rebel Yell for our Homecoming festivities is the reason for my awful, awful attitude today. I say sorry in advance. Here's a round-up of gunk 'n' bitterness.

Has King GuyMo gone crazy (9th question down) or is he the new Baby Aristotle?

How important is it for the players to keep playing for something? Morriss: "Well it is important. It's kind of like the farmer comes home, and there are two crying babies waiting for him, and momma's run off with the milkman. You've got to do something.

And doing something in this regards would be grabbing the shotgun and hunting your babies' momma and the milkman down. I hereby motion for Baylor players to run around with shotguns above their heads. It would be a Tusken Raiders vs. The Last Boy Scout mash-up. The B could actually make money off of football games. Hell, we might as well keep King GuyMo for another season. Awesome!

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(I will give you, our very special readers, the option to caption this great photo)

Not to be outdone, the B's basketball program lost to Tarleton State!!! Upon reading that article I got two thoughts in my head.
  • Thank God we haven't lost the will to shoot the three.
  • Thank Jesus we haven't learned how to play defense.

Scott Drew sez:

Tarleton is a very good team. This is a very good thing for us, not that we lost the game and executed poorly, but it gives us an idea of what we need to focus and improve on before we start playing the games that count.

No Drew. The loss is a very, very good thing. No need to build hope. It's hurts the heart and soul so much. Just ask the Polish Pony. Expectations suck.

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Are the ladies down with Bruce's new look? I know I am!

TurdPolishers are crazy for coaches! I have to admit. The TurdPolishers are frankly quite amusing. I feel better as a human when I see them fighting with each other. The coaching names being tossed around there are Larry Fedora (OSU offensive coordinator - ex-Teaff/Reedy asst. coach), Houston Nutt (headcoach of the Arkansas Pigs), and Gene Stallings (I would love to have the Crypt Keeper as head ball coach - click-clack - there goes my hip). And then there are the Singletary worshippers who would die by Samurai Mike's blade. *Warning* TurdPolisher humor is not for everyone. I will not even link to the site. You must know it by now.

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Baylor/OU game on TV. Awesome. Saturday at 5:30pm on Fox Sports Southwest. Recruits please look away. Board of Regents please pass the brandy.

If you missed the preseason polls, the Lady Bears are ranked mostly in the 15 range. Not that these early polls mean much. But, damn, we sure do need a confidence booster these days. But let's not be too hasty cos it's still a Monday. Apparently a report is out there as of last week that BearMeat's darling dunker, Brooklyn Pope, might be heading to Rutgers. That sucks. We would have turned this place into a freakin' Pope shrine. Oh well, hopefully it's a false report. Ho hum. Oh yeah, the men's team lost a big recruit too. Yay. Mondays.

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It's so hard being a Bear sometimes.

Please report to us anymore depressing news in the comments section. Thanks for your continual support. Sic 'em.


Sunday, November 04, 2007

Bear vs. Pirate, Part 2: Swashbuckled!

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The Pirate Hordes Descend on Waco

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rebel Yell! The Pirates of Lubbock sailed into town, raping and pillaging all that they encountered. The Homecoming game was a sight that makes eyes sore. A real spread offense apparently is much better against a cheap simulacrum of a spread offense. Regardless, we promised not to discuss what occurred on the field, thanks to an ongoing gag order from the 54th District Court of McLennan County. So instead, we present our WacoTrib Gameday Photo Gallery Pics of the Game! (Because, really, captioning photos is probably what we do best . . . since it's what we do most.)

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GuyMo: "Our women are not safe around these pirates!"

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Blyzzle: "Shiver me timbers . . . these be REAL pirates."

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Boo Pirates . . . Hooray Beer!, uh, I mean, Bears!

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The Dread Pirate Leach

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Crab + Tree = Heisman?

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Pirate Cheerleaders: Nature's Viagra

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Pirate MILFs: Like a fine wine . . .

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. . . lest we forget why we love Baylor so much


Saturday, November 03, 2007

Homecoming Festivities: Brock = BearMeat

Where two or three are gathered together in Baylor's name, there Brock is in the midst of them. - Matt. 18:20, New King Brock Version

Thanks to the excellent photo journalism of the WacoTrib, we are pleased to present a few select photos from their Bonfire gallery and Homecoming parade gallery. Guess what? We've got photos of Brock. Would you expect anything less from a blog of this caliber? Of course not. Sic 'em, Bears and here's to covering the spread against Tech.

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Brock vs. Bruiser: Quien es mas macho?

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Brock's Posse: 2 Legit 2 Quit

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GuyMo: The Last "Sic 'em"

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"Is that Courtney Paris?" "Nah, just a float, dude."

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Lilley's annual alms for the poor

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Gunder Thorson cares for The Good Judge's pup

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What is this supposed to mean?

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Homecoming Magic: A Parade Proposal

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Friday, November 02, 2007

DAMN!!! Eternal Flame, Bitches!!!

I tell you what, boy. Bear on Bear violence is increasing and BearMeat loves it. From TurdPolishers' in-fighting to Freshmen vs. the Upper Classes and all the way back to Chamber Members vs. PETA...we got it going on at The B. Take it to the field, and we'll crush those Tortilla Throwers with our helmets, Miami-style.

I love this new fangled slow-motion violence thing hitting the YouTubes. It's so effing hot right now.

Eternal Flame...you got PUNK'D! Where you at now, Susanna Hoffs?

Sic 'Em 'n' Kick 'Em!

Around the Quad: Mulk's Loyalty & "The Worm" Story

Dear Readers,

Many of you have written, asking us to spend more time on coverage of the upcoming "AirRaid" vs. "AirBear" showdown between Harrell/Crabtree/Leach and Szyzzle/Gettis/GuyMo. Sorry, but that is beyond the scope of this blog. Such a comparison is too easy to make light of and is not worthy of our more sophisiticated brand of satire. Plus, we took an oath not to discuss on-the-field issues until next season. Instead, we leave you with a veritable "Lifestyle Section" of news from around the Burleson Quadrangle (thanks largely to our interns who "daylight" as reporters at the WacoTrib).

In Bruiser,

Red Andrews

1. Dave Cunningham, The Baylor Bomber, sentenced to 3 Years Probation. After pleading guilty to making threats to blow up Baylor and facing 10 years in federal prison, Dave was given 3 years probation, mandatory counseling and made to live in a half-way house for six months.

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This WacoTrib article provided this gem from the sentencing hearing:

Cunningham told the judge at the brief sentencing hearing Thursday he never intended to act on the threats, saying, “I don’t have a lot of tact in dealing with police enforcement.” Cunningham, a former member of the Baylor track team, ended his brief statement laughing nervously and saying that he just wanted to go back to the zoo in Tyler to watch the elephants.

2. Mulk's New Book, Won't Back Down, hits shelves! In case you missed it, Mulk's autobiography, Won't Back Down, hit the shelves and is electrifying Waco with its lurid detail and compelling drama. Here is a tidbit from her dilemma whether to stay at Louisiana Tech or take Baylor's offer. Wow.

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This is from Jerry Hill's article in the WacoTrib, no wonder she values loyalty so highly.

After she was offered the Baylor job in 2000, Mulkey returned to Louisiana Tech and begged President Dan Reneau to give her a five-year contract to stay at the Ruston, La., school. “I got out of my chair, onto my knees, and begged that man for a five-year contract. Tears were flying everywhere. It was humiliating. I was a strong-willed woman who had never done anything like that in her entire life. I was trying to show him the passion I had for the university, the program. How could he not appreciate the loyalty I had shown them?”

3. Grant Teaff Tells the Real "Worm Story" on the Em Zone. Baylor sports stories don't get any better than Grant Teaff telling of his legendary motivational speech involving a worm that led to Baylor knocking off #9 Texas. Click here for the Em Zone Archive.

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Teaff: "Do I look like the kind of person that would eat a worm?"

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