Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Schnupp's Sprinkle, Day 3: How to Make a Perfectly Hilarious College Sports Scandal

[Disclaimer: We of the BearMeat Editorial Board believe that Coach Schnupp's actions, while regretable, are hardly the grounds for termination. We of all people can understand the urge to "whip it out" and piss on Scruffy Murphy's after a devastating loss to Kansas. Perhaps Schnupp's real problem was pissing at a Baylor student bar and not a more adult one like Hemmingway's. - Eds.]

The Eric Schnupp Scruff's Sprinkle Scandal contains all the classic elements of a hilarious college sports scandal. We need to analyze just how this story managed to capture the imaginations of so many in the college football chattering class.

1. A Pathetic Program. Nothing like a sports scandal coming out of a perrenial losing football program like Baylor's. The fact that GuyMo's head is on the chopping block, that we have been blown out in all of our conference games and that Baylor's time in the Big12 has truly been dismal all create a generalized pathetic context for human folly to work its magic. The B's tragedy has become a self-fulfilling prophesy as now players as well as coaches can't help but play the role of the laughable loser.

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"Good hustle, Schupp. Way to keep that stream strong."

2. An Errant Knave. Schnupp's credentials as a former Miami lineman having played a stint in the XFL could not have been a more perfect resume for a dude who urinated in a drinking establishment. The added fact that he coached at West Texas A&M seems to add an air of the "wild west" about his actions - as if he was just pissing in the spittoon at a saloon in West Texas. Add to that his cheesy-as-hell photo and resemblance to a viking, you just know from his appearance and background that this guy never had a chance not to piss at that bar. Both nature and nurturer demanded that he unleash his mighty stream onto Scruff's semen-encrusted floor.

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"There is no cultural taboo which I have not violated."

3. A Hilarious Foible. Peeing in a public place is pretty damn funny standing on its own, but coupled with the fact that he did it during "last call" with police already at the bar, only 15 feet (at most) from the bathroom following the Bears humiliating defeat to Kansas (the only team in the Big12 against whom we had a winning record in Big12 play) demonstrates just how sad and ridiculous his actions were. The fact that he was standing at the bar pissing and received only a citation instead of being arrested shows that the police had bigger fish to fry at Scruff's that night. We imagine the squad car was full of horny coeds and frat boys whose sheer sense of self-entitlement was violating a few municipal codes. Just the newspaper account of the event basically says it all. "Assistant Coach Urinates on Bar."

4. Plenty of "You Can't Make This Stuff Up" Facts. In addition to being another Baylor scandal located in Waco, Texas, (both suffer from some serious curses), a good hilarious scandal needs a few items to make it even more hilarious, like the following:
  • The WacoTrib reporter who broke the story moonlights as a bartender at Scruff's. So, had the WacoTrib paid this dude more, he would never have heard from his co-workers that a dude pissed on the bar - no inquiry would have been made into a routine bar pissing. Thank God for low wages and Scruffy Murphy's bartenders.
  • The quote from the Scruff's bartender was the stuff of Baylor legend: “While we were kicking everybody out, he apparently thought that nobody was looking and whipped it out and (urinated) on the bar,” Severe said. “He tried to deny it, but there was definitely a puddle and there was no one else around him.” You just gotta love that description of those events. Pure gold.
We salute you, Coach Schnupp, for bringing Baylor back into the national spotlight and helping to expand notions of what our school is and to re-define the outer limits of acceptable coaching behavior.

Sic 'em, Bears!

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4 Comments:

  • Can we pay someone to regularly do ridiculous shit like this? I'll even chip in my meager wages to ensure that we constantly have this level of amusement in town. Seriously, I thought Waco news was going to be boring, but between black cowboy mayoral candidates, lesbian park fights and bar urination, I keep myself in giggles.
    And thank you Red for your witty running commentary.

    By Anonymous wendy, at 8:34 AM  

  • You know, when you think about it, you have to give Coach Schnupp credit for:

    * Not lying about his own players being drug dealers
    * Not triggering a nationwide manhunt
    * Not shooting a fellow coach in a quarry somewhere and abandoning the body
    * Not trying to turn the World's Greatest Baptist University into Notre Dame, Waco Campus
    * Not calling a running play on the final play of the game where a kneel-down would have assured victory

    So, when you get right down to it, what's so embarrassing?

    By Blogger Curtis, at 12:15 PM  

  • Red,

    This is an important service you are performing in providing such commentary. You have caused me to probe the interstices of the description of events to reveal how truly diabolical that actions your Billy Carter coach are.

    That is, whenever some one is described as "whipping out" something, said something (i.e., that which is being "whipped out") is usually being used in an unauthorized manner.

    The phrase denotes both a speed ("whipping", as in quick-like) and an unauthorized location ("out", as in not "in" where it belongs).

    I mean, if one were to be a Good Samaritan and stop to change a tire of a damsel in distress, one would not say, "Miss, I will be right back after I whip out my jack."

    This whole thing smells.

    B. Orange

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:23 PM  

  • Outstanding summary of the whole situation. Baylor football + Waco Weirdness + Trib/Herald Nugentness =
    A Loser Named Schnupp Pissing on a Dump's Bar.

    You guys are great.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:18 PM  

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