Sunday, October 07, 2007

The Ghost of Kevin Steele Speaks

[Late in the evening on Saturday, October 6th, the ghost of former Baylor head football coach Kevin Steele visited the 13th floor of the ALICO Building, where the BearMeat editorial offices are housed. The ghost appeared to the three editors and several interns who had donned sackcloth and ashes. The weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth from the ALICO could be heard from as far away as Hewitt. The whiskey-addled editors began hurling empty bottles and cigarette butts at the ghost, who proceeded to give the following speech. - Eds.]

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The Undead Ghost of Kevin Steele

"Silence, you self-important fools! Do you not know that I have placed a curse on your beloved Bears? My time at Baylor was deeply humiliating - I was set up by Robert Sloan and sandbagged by Tom Stanton. I was mocked for my vegetarianism, my loafers, and my tears in chapel. I was ridiculed for my decision to not to take a knee against UNLV. I was castigated and defamed for representing the nadir of Baylor football in the Big12 era. Had Sloan and the 2012ers been willing to invest in our program instead of trying to build a Notre Dame on the Brazos sans pigskin, perhaps I could have had a chance."

The Good Judge chucked a Kim Mulkey bobble-head doll at the ghost and exclaimed, "Damn, you Steele, you emasculated us! You deprived us of every ounce of competitive spirit and reduced us to polishing turds and praising the Lord that we didn't lose by 40 to Kansas."

"Watch your tongue, you old codger," Steele quipped, "I have coached at far better places than Baylor University, both in college and the pros. Never have I seen such a rare combination of self-delusion and unrealistic expectations - and I currently coach at Alabama. Look not to me as the source of your current woes - no, look to GuyMo himself!"

"How dare you mention his name!" screamed the Guvn'r, "He beat A&M, something you couldn't even dream of doing!"

"He did it with my players, sir. My curse began this year, when the last of my legacy has departed your sorry school. Guy Morriss gave you four good years of competitive football and did so with my players. Now that he has his own guys, he is on his own. My ghost will haunt your program until the end of days," promised Steele.

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The Curse of Coach Steele

"If what you say is true, Coach, then your legacy is not four years of shame and suffering, but a century of losing and humiliation. But why?" queried the Prez.

"For how I was treated at Baylor - for all those who laughed at me and never gave me a chance, for Sloan and Schmeltekopf and Stanton. If you thought tonight's game was bad, wait until you play UT and OU. Then the real pain will begin."

"But coach, what can we do for you so that you will revoke this curse? Lord knows we already suffer from enough such curses on our school," the Guvn'r asked.

"Nothing. There is nothing you can do. The curse will remain at your school for all eternity."

With that, the ghost disappeared into the night air.

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5 Comments:

  • I only saw Steele coach one year before he was sent packing for bigger and better things.

    We lost to UNM.

    We were ecstatic to beat a KU team that won exactly two games that year. And by ecstatic I mean we tore down the goalposts and ate the Jayhawk.

    Our offense consisted of Aaron Karas whipping around the field like Machen on a fake punt.

    I'm not saying AirBear/Carebear is a more potent offense than the flea-flickers and triple reverses that we used to run. I'm just saying that there's never been a day that I pined for Kevin Steele's return.

    This has been a strange season, burdened by high expectations. Or maybe I should say average expectations. But at least we weren't embarrassed to talk about the B's football team to non-Bears during the last offseason. At least we had a little pride after playing tough against UT, A&M and winning a few Big 12 games.

    Next year, however, I'm not so sure that we will feel as comfortable mentioning our allegiances.

    By Blogger BDP, at 9:40 AM  

  • BDP,

    Your reflections are the tender memories of yesteryear. We too fear that the day of shame is once again upon us.

    We must not hang our heads when our alma mater is mentioned. The absurdity is our pride.

    Sic 'em,

    Red

    By Blogger Senior Editor Red Andrews, at 11:04 AM  

  • Historical revisionism is always a nasty business. But nothing can change the record. Nine and thirty-six overall, one and twenty-seven in the Big XII, ongoing UNLV-related humiliation. I hope one of you hit Steele square in the kisser with a bottle of Rebel Yell.

    By Blogger Curtis, at 10:10 PM  

  • Please don't take the above transcript of a real life event to be some sort of Steele-era nostalgia, just that perhaps he suffered from Scott Drew syndrome - an above-average recruiter but a terrible head coach. Steele was an embarrasment to this university. The fact was that his 4 years at Baylor was about 48 months too long.

    The above just attempts to explain our current woes. How can we help it if we are visited by other ghosts from the past? We have no control over the spirit world.

    Or do we . . . ?

    Red

    By Blogger Senior Editor Red Andrews, at 5:57 AM  

  • I, for one, am very proud to be a Bear. Did you know GuyMo didn't realize you could actually pick the HS players that would to go to your school and play for your team until this year? Mack got a little tipsy and tipped him off at the B12 luncheon. How many other schools form their teams solely with walkons from their predominantly female student body?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:46 PM  

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