Counterpoint: An Open Poem to the Citizens of Waco

[What follows is Guvn'r Pat's sincere plea to his fellow Wacoans and triumphant return from weeks of sobriety in Abilene. The horror...the horror. -Eds.]

Waco needs a 70 foot Texas Ranger statue. I for one believe that there are many reasons Waco could use this very tall, and might I say....statuesque, mustachioed man.

I shall express my feelings poetically.


Sonnets from the Wacoan

How do I want thee tall Man? Let me divulge.
I want thee to point your large gun towards the West
So that my soul may know the way to Bad Bear Liquor at all times.
I want thee to point your "other" large gun towards the ground,
As we are a God-fearing city without displays of public affection.
I want thee to have an equally large spittoon near thy boots
So I can gleefully watch the Townies swim and prance
In the midst of your salacious Red Man juice.
I want thee to sport buttless chaps,
So that I-35 drivers may ride horny and distracted,
In hopes that traffic violations may swell the city's coffers.
I want thee to be an Audio-Animatronic,
Spouting out the history of our fair city,
With a booming yet lilting voice,
Whilst educating the Templetons, the Beltonians,
The Martians, the Marlins, the Walburgers,
And the Russians of Austin.
I want thee! Oh how I need thee
As a distraction to this football season,
As a distraction for our new psychotic, possibly sociopathic,
Starting quarterback, Mike "Keep Waco Wacko" Machen,
Mmmm, I say your name and think of maple syrup and bacon.
How do I love me some me?
How do I love me some John David Weed?

"I enjoy babies. And poetry."

This concludes our time together. Let us end with some encouraging words from our fearless leader, King GuyMo.

That leads to the logical question: Where the heck was Machen for the first seven games of the season?

Morriss' answer: None of your business. "It's something I don't care to talk about in public," he said.

"People who aren't around this team don't know what's going on," Morriss added. "All they see is Saturday.

"There are some good reasons why it's taken this long (for Machen to emerge). The important thing is he's got the reins right now, his teammates believe in him, we believe in him, and we're going to back him. That's really all I need to say about that."

Sic 'em and let the speculations begin. I've got $10 on gonorrhea with 5/2 odds.