Friday, August 10, 2007

BearMeat Intern Move-In 2007

[Hardly a day goes by where I'm not stopped on Elm Street and asked for my wallet and more info on our internship program. I figure that with the semester about to begin and BearMeat Intern Move-In 2007 about happen, it is a perfect time to give our devoted audience some insight into the world of BearMeat. The following is official BearMeat correspondence welcoming interns into the world of faux-journalism. Editor-In-Chief "The Sometimes Good" Judge Baylor]

BEARMEAT INTERNATIONAL, INC.
425 Austin Ave., Tower 1, Suite 2300
Waco, TX 76701

Dear Meat-Tern,

Greeting and congratulations from the executive board of BearMeat International, Inc. (BearMeat). We wish to welcome you to the BearMeat Class of 2007. We are offering you membership into BearMeat's most impressive class in history. This year's class hails from over 5 counties, two Christian denominations, and both ends of the top tax bracket. Every year BearMeat receives and reviews thousands of applications, hundreds of letters of reference from prominent political figures, scores of offers of sexual favors, and several transcripts in an effort to pick the very best and brightest applicants for admission into our prestigious, world-renowned internship program. Although sexual favors often have the highest yield rates, we still have to ultimately decline one or two offers a year because of scheduling conflicts or Governor Pat Neffistopheles', Editor Emeritus
(Pat), consumption of our stores of penicillin. As you are well aware of by now, since you have all successfully made it through our application process, we are interested in the entire person and not merely grades and test scores.

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Not one to overlook our own sense of self importance,
a BearMeat acceptance letter arrives framed.

Over the past year you have been subjected to the most grueling, humiliating, and satisfying time of your life. The only experience you will ever have that will top this will be your time in our internship program. Do you remember when we first met at our Fall "Get To Know Ya" at Lake Waco? We gathered at a beach and you got to watch as the editors drank handle after handle of whiskey and then stripped down nude and started to wrestle each other. After each take down we would squeal with delight and bounce up and down, attempting to dislodge the sand that had built up in our various cracks. Ultimately we required everyone to form a human barge and we loaded our whiskey soaked naked limbs upon your flesh and sailed across the lake occasionally vomiting from the rough waters and the olives we were dropping into our flasks. We lost a few souls that day, but most came back the next day to "Get to Know Ya: Day 2 of 22".

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Red's pre-barge ride stretch.

Who can forget our last big soiree? This year's Spring Fling "Night in Old Cameron" was a smashing success. For those that have forgotten, do to subsequent large dosages of medication or post-traumatic stress syndrome, let me remind you of the vivid details. That is the night where we stationed everyone in a pickup truck in a secluded area of the park and asked that you encourage the advances of the first closeted, gay-bashing homosexual, preacher that happened upon your vehicle. As we said at the time it was a complete coincidence that the New Life Church scheduled their annual convention in Waco the same weekend. I'm sure the President Reddin Andrews', Senior Editor (Red), offer of free room and board had no influence on their convention location pick. The memories are too numerous to mention. We look forward to you joining us on August 15, 2007. You will receive further details in future correspondence and we will need to see proof that your blood work is current and your organ donor card filled out. If you have any questions, please do not ask, but if you must, contact Gunder Thorson. Have a BearMeatarific day.


May your bottle of Jack and lover never run dry,

Judge Baylor
Editor-In-Chief

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BUT...now she's available. This ad resulted in 25% more trim
for the BearMeat editorial board during WWII.

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