Saturday, July 21, 2007

The Best Weed in Texas, Part 3: Don't Take My Weed to Tyler

[This is the third in a four-part series, The Best Weed in Texas: The Life and Legend of John David Weed, profiling one of the B's contestants for the starting QB position. A JuCo transfer who hails from H-Town, Weed's name and character are both larger than life. His name is such a godsend to our blog, that an estimated 85% of our football coverage in the upcoming season will be dedicated to elaborate drug references and puns using his name. Enjoy! - Eds.]

Don't Take My Weed to Tyler

Lets us start with a few John David Weed Facts that I'm sure you are all aware of by now.

Height: 6'5

Weight: 225

Hobbies: Music, hunting, fishing, and cars.

Fave Movie: Varsity Blues

Fave Team: Colts

Fave Athlete: Peyton Manning

Here is a JD Weed Fact you probably didn't know: he can smell fear, devour linebackers, digest human flesh, and shit out the bones.

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"I am more beast than man."

Junior/Community Colleges are usually places of transition. They are a begining point. They are open and acessible to nearly all high school grads and GED holders in the U.S., and are immeasurable assets to the communities that they serve. It was into this most democratic of educational institutions that JD Weed entered in the Fall of 2004. Weed redshirted his first year at Tyler Junior College in Tyler, Texas, where he mostly studied Business. Of course, most of his time was spent skipping classes and marching in the streets of Tyler for Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Rights. [Not insinuating that he's gay, just that he's complex; you can't predict what he's going to do or say - that may include taking an extreme or progressive political position, or barbecuing a midget just for fun - who knows?] While his RedShirt Freshman year was mostly filled with political causes and herbal self-medication, his sophomore and junior seasons were dedicated to busting up the Tyler JC record books. Let us demonstrate a sample of Tyler's Best Weed:

Opponents Chanted: "Smoke that Weed, Smoke that Weed!"

While earning laurels as the QB at Tyler, JD Weed spent most of his days in deep study of the Scriptures. His in-depth textual analysis of the Book of Ecclesiastes led him to a Christian Existentialism, which caused him to shed all the superflous aspects of his life. He broke up with all 7 of his live-in girlfriends. He sold his Ford Festiva to one of his teammates for a Whataburger Tacquito. He began living in a tent outside the football stadium and dispensing wisdom to curious onlookers and devoted pilgrims, visiting from Cypress Creek. It was while he was sweating profusely one August afternoon in his tent that he had a vision from Our Lord. The angel Gabriel appeared in the Weed Tent and said:

John David Weed, good and faithful servant of the Lord Most High, you are to go to the Land of the Baptists, where you will lead a wayward flock back to the path of righteousness and truth. It has been nearly 15 years since they were shepherded by a good and righteous man who knew how to win ball games. Since then, they have fallen from Grace, embracing despair, compromising their expectations, and - most abhorrent - polishing turds and pretending they are diamonds. The Lord Most High demands of you that in one year's time you pack up your tent and all your worldly belongings and head to Jerusalem-on-the-Brazos, also known as Sironia, Texas. It is there that you will receive an education second to none and will bring honor and glory back to the Bears of Baylor. End communication.

And that is how Weed was shipped from Tyler to Waco.

But, what happened when he arrived in God's Country, you ask? That is for another day, my son.

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