Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Finally, Football Season is Upon Us.

Although games are still a month away, just the beginning of practice is enough to keep me going through August. Expectations are down, but excitement remains. As does the most important question, Will we cover the spread? Apparently last season did not go well and GuyMo may be forced to eat a hot lunch. I for one wasn't surprised at all about last year, well except for maybe Army and see I no reason why this season should be any different, except we lost our starting QB and a host of starters at the skill positions. Apparently the views on GuyMo fall into 3 camps: thinks he sucks (hire Singletary), thinks he's good, thinks they'll wait to decide. I'm not sure what other camp you could fall into, maybe the I have never heard of Baylor or what is football group.

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The first time in human existence someone thought, "I wish I was back in Lexington".

I mean really if you fire GuyMo what is that going to get you? I understand the desire to get Singletary back at the B, that would be exciting, but ultimately it wouldn't matter. As long as Stoops and Mack are in the South Division the best Baylor can hope for is a third place finish. Not just because of their coaching, but also because of their recruiting, recruiting Baylor will never be able to compete with unless those jobs are occupied by incompetents. Once a decade there could be a fluke and Baylor might be able to pull one out on them, but they will not beat those coaches regularly, ever. Don't even worry about it, it's like worrying about Yankees spending a lot of money, it just is. I think that GuyMo may finally be realizing this. It is a sad thought, I'm sure he expected success here, although I am curious what real success at Baylor could look like. But GuyMo can only control our football program.

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Coaches in photo 415-144-5, Baylor all-time 513-505-44.

After Mack and Stoops I think Mike Leach is right there as a good coach. He had very little to work with in Lubbock and has made them regularly successful. I think Leach will move on to another program in the not too distant future so Tech future remains uncertain. That leaves Fran, who despite having a ton of resources still manages to struggle, but seems to be slowly moving in the right direction and Mike Gundy who looks like he could make a big strides in the next couple of years. The coaching talent in the South is really good and the North, although down the last couple of years seems to have a few programs waking up. The landscape is not promising for GuyMo or Pete Carroll to be a winner at Baylor right now. The best we can hope for is the Dick Cheney timetable for victory, which means after a generation or two during a game we leave the field claiming complete and utter success despite all factual information to the contrary.

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Leach insists on riding around Lubbock on a
sled pulled by his lineman (sled not pictured).

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Onward Baylor Soldiers: Embrace the Absurdity

Every so often, we at the BearMeat Editorial Board feel the need to editorialize on the meaning of Baylor fandom. In a past column, I wrote a call to arms as a defense of Baylor fandom. The post, "Why We Fight," was an attempt to stir the passions of the long dormant fan spirit. Lately, what has troubled us most, though, is not the lack of fan support, but its very quality. If the past 15 years have taught you anything, it shouldn't be that we are just one move away from having a national championship contender in football, but that we are one century away from having a national championship contender. Those who like to sit at their desks and polish turds all day, pretending that football and men's basketball at the B are ripe for a monumental turnaround are an embarrassment to our fans. There is nothing as sad as being a delusional fan of a losing program. What we don't need is more Pollyannas or bitter in-fighting among ourselves. What we need is pride. Some may say, "But, pride in what, exactly?" Pride in being so distinctive; pride in being Baylor University. Did you know that we happen to enjoy membership in the Big12. Take pride in that. A forthcoming series of posts will deal with the fate of the SWC teams that did not join the Big12 - a sordid tale indeed. Although we are the doormat of the Big12 in the 2 big media sports, we at least are losing on a grand stage and not in obscurity. This leads me to my point: the motto for Baylor fandom ought to be, "Embrace the Absurdity."

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"ARRRGGGHH, Sic 'Em, Bearrrrrsss!"

Yes, Baylor athletics is an absurd enterprise. Why? We are the most explicitly religious BCS school and yet since entry into the Big12 we have had arguably the worst football program among BCS schools, not to mention a pathetic men's basketball program that has been in a decade-long decline. Our program should be consumed by study of The Book of Job's central question, the theodicy, or problem of evil. Why does God let his faithful servants suffer? Why do the heathens just south on I-35 prosper and the sodomites just north of the Red River on I-35 achieve great victories, while the devout in between them continue to suffer humiliation?

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Growl Towel Man: A Fully Actualized Baylor Fan

Not convinced that rooting for Baylor is absurd? Try the fact that we have been playing football since 1899 and have the oldest and longest homecoming parade in the nation, and yet with all of that time to build a great football squad, we are hoping against hope for breaking even and achieving our first .500 season in over a decade. Even in the Old SWC, we had the lowest amount of football and basketball conference titles among all schools who entered prior to 1950. Our ratio of years in the SWC to titles was by far the lowest in the conference. Athletics at the B is a sequence of failures and near-misses, punctuated by brief moments of ecstasy.

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Sic 'em, Bears!

This is all to say that rooting for The B can be a much more joy-filled experience. We need to adopt the Brooklyn Dodgers fan model or that of the Wrigley Field day game crowd. Embrace the Absurdity. Its quite simple: we are who we are and we are not ashamed of that. Sure, we're gonna lose some games. In all likelihood, we're gonna lose a lot of games. But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy ourselves out there. What's not to enjoy? Watching football in one of Texas's most historic old stadiums. Having a few Big Os to get loosened up before the disappointment. Reading BearMeat after the game to help you put it into perspective. Spending quality time with friends, family, classmates, professors, co-workers, and former students and watching some of the best teams in America come into town to pummel our beloved Bears. Sure, it would be great if every year we could contend for the BCS or the NCAA Tourney, but we don't and we likely won't. That's not to say Ian McCaw shouldn't be losing sleep over how to motivate Scott Drew to grow a pair and win a road game or three, but for us fans, we need to lower our expectations by getting real about who we are and where we are. We are Baylor. Be proud of who we are. Not many schools are entering their 109th season of sport and have the type of record we do.

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Just ask: "What Would Mamadou Do?"

Sure, things couldn't be much worse, but would we really know how to behave if they were? Probably not. Baylor athletics teaches us patience, humility and long-suffering. It is a character-builing enterprise. Embrace that. Embrace all the strangeness, tragedy, and heartbreak. It has made us who we are.

Baylor Bears, Embrace the Absurdity!


Sunday, July 29, 2007

Hogwarts-on-the-Brazos: How Brooks "College" is Profoundly Anti-Baptist

Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? - James 2: 2-4

For half a century, male Baylor undergraduates have had limited choices for on-campus housing at The B. For red-blooded, Caucasian Protestants who were likely to join a frat or copulate with a Kappa Delta (usually both), Penland Hall was the dormitory of choice. The largest male dorm, Penland was built in 1960 and housed a cafeteria and multiple installments of Robert Sloan's male offspring. The second rung on the ladder of the Baylor dormitory hierarchy has long been Martin Hall, home to wayward, directionless whites and all the non-white, American students (usually concentrated on the 4th Floor and in the basement, or "The Dungeon" as it is still known.) Finally, Brooks Hall, was where the international students, pathetic upperclassmen, and University Scholars/Baylor Interdisciplinary Core/Honors students stayed. Brooks had a unique history and a pervasive stench of asbestos, cannabis, and agnosticism.

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Scene From Brooks Hall's Annual Hookah Tournament

While there were strange aspects of male life in the dorms, the three dormitories had the exact same room and board fee structure and were theoretically open to all male students. This mattered little, though, as most Baylor men left campus after the obligatory freshman year on-campus, and from then on enjoyed the life of Keystone Light, fraternity hazing, coed sleepovers, and fatalism. Yet, these established patterns of behavior were marked for extinction when former Baylor CEO Robert Sloan, Jr. articulated his Vision 2012. Imperative II spoke volumes for what was to come: "To facilitate and energize campus life, Baylor will seek to make more desirable residence halls available so that at least 50 percent of Baylor undergraduates are living on campus by 2012." This, of course, would cut into the jello shot-friendly lifestyle that many cultural Baptists had grown accostomed to after their year under the microscope.

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"Sic 'Em, Jello Shots!"

Soon, a new quasi-coed residence hall sprouted up, aimed at retaining male engineering and computer science majors after their freshman year. In order to make way for this new residence hall, Baylor had to ever-so-gently persuade the historic African-American congregation located on-campus, Second Missionary Baptist Church, to re-locate their flock to a locale more conducive to Baylor's student housing needs. That story complete with photos, linked here, is almost beyond belief.

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Imperative 13: Gentrification of Black Baptist Churches

What resulted was the creation of the "North Village" Community in 2004, which, for the first time, included women in its multiple-building complex. This was the dawn of a new era. The traditional fear of gender-mixing was discarded, as was the idea of the dorm as a place to live; they were now "residential communities," which instill a sense of group identity and long-term commitment to the dorm. However, the North Village was nothing new compared to the British Leviathan that was rising from the demolished ashes of Brooks Hall.

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Brooks Hall, R.I.P.

To understand the Brooks "College" project, one must understand the mentality of the Sloan administration and its many academic acolytes, the majority of whom still populate The B. For the Sloanites, the ideal college education must mimic the Oxford model - not the substance, mind you, but principally the form. The trappings of ivy-covered brick walls, stone walkways, impressive arches, and crests, were essential to create an atmosphere where faith and learning can walk hand in hand. Why are these people so obsessed with this crusty, antiquated model of the university, you ask? Precisely because it has its roots in the medieval synthesis, when, the Sloanites believe, faith and learning (read: traditional Christianity and science), went together like fish and chips, tea and crumpets, and witches and fiery stakes. This was the great period of inquiry in the West, when religion, politics, and education all received their authority and inspiration from the monarch who ruled by divine right.

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Sloan: The Once and Future King

Indeed, the intellectual class of Evangelicals who worship Oxford, Cambridge and all the other stuffy British schools, hoped to remake dear Baylor into a veritable Hogwarts-on-the-Brazos. A place where young wizards-in-training (bright Christians from around the country) would flock to in order to receive the most elite faith-based education that money could buy -- on this side of the pond, at least. However, the unfortunate thing about Baylor is that there are just too many boorish frat boys, secular types, and unpretentious students to make the dream of Hogwarts-on-the-Brazos a reality. So, the Sloanites set out to remake one part of campus into their petri dish of Faith and Learning. Their new project involved demolishing the oldest male dorm on campus, where the NoZe Brotherhood was founded, and in its place creating an exclusive dorm that would be given the title "college" to set it apart from other dorms. Not all students would be admitted to this "college" as they had to complete a separate application process, which contractually binds the student to living at the "college" for two years. Similarly, the "college" would be self-sustaining with its own library, chapel, and Great Hall/cafeteria (complete with a "High Table" for honored guests and students of distinction!). Of course, no dorm based on this model would be complete without a Faculty Master, who lives among the students and lords over them as the Complete Man. His presence would ensure strict compliance with this monumental flight of fancy. Lastly, this enterprise would require an official crest, just like they had in the days of knights and feudal barons. If one could only imagine what that would resemble . . .

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"In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own." - Albus Dumbledore

But what is wrong with all this, you ask? Why can't a university have an Oxford theme park on campus? Why all the digital ink spilled over this new residential "college"? These are the questions that our Dungeons & Dragons-obsessed interns have been posing for weeks, as we took turns writing this post. The answer is quite simple. Because Brooks "College" is a perversion of the values our cherished university, "proclaims it instills." (Hat tip to Lt. Col. Frank Slade, U.S.Army, ret.) How so? The room and board cost for Brooks "College" is higher than that of all the other dorms, save the new North Village, by at least $100/month per living arrangement. This is how the "college" will price-out students who cannot afford such luxurious living. These dormitories are creating a new class of on-campus student which separates the undergrad population into those who pay more and those who don't. As if the BMWs, Mercedes, and H2s in the dozen or so student parking garages were not enough to remind some students that they don't have it as good as their peers, now they will be grouped according to socio-economic status (ability to pay) starting their freshman year. But what's wrong with that? One could argue that the on-campus housing is finally mirroring the preference Baylor students have for luxury accomodations in off-campus apartment living. Since off-campus housing reflects the broad-range of parental incomes, what is wrong with the dorms doing the same?

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Harry Potter and The Bastion of Privilege

It is wrong because it is morally repugnant for Baylor to countenance such an arrangement. Student housing should be one price so that students are encouraged to regard each other as equals. This soul equality is precisely the concept that is behind the traditional Baptist notion of the Priesthood of the Believer. Christ called us to treat everyone alike, rich and poor, Jew and Gentile, Roman and non-Roman, etc. If our school, which for 162 years has purported to proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ, suddenly, in His Name, decides what it most needs to accomplish that objective is to have a class-stratified housing arrangement on campus, then something has gone terribly wrong.

If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, "Love your neighbor as yourself," you are doing right. But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers. For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. James 2: 8-10

Baylor University. Chartered in 1845 by the Republic of Texas, founded by Texas Baptists. Hijacked by Evangelical elitists: 1995-present.

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Around the Quad: July 29, 2007

The BearMeat Editorial Board is an august group. We have gravitas in spades. Were Dick Cheney to join our sacred board, it would be obvious that he would be fetching the whiskey and deli meats for the grown ups in the room, while wearing an apron. Yeah, we're that badass. So it is on a lazy Sunday such as this one where we cannot be bothered with the BearMeat Journal and must delegate our responsibilities to interns and other lesser beings. What follows is a composite news sketch from around the Burleson Quadrangle, assembled by a a few of our underlings. Enjoy! - Eds.

1. Baylor Forced by Judge to Reveal its Bush Library Plans. Thanks to a lawsuit between a lawyer/condo owner and SMU, Baylor is being compelled to reveal its Bush Library plans to the court. This is a very sensitive matter as SMU and Bush haven't technically sealed the deal yet and Baylor is hoping against hope that Dubya might just change his mind and remember that Dallas is full of gays and lesbians who are out of the closet (Mary Cheney style) and looking for a presidential library to meet for dates and kitchy Early 2000s nostalgia. Right now, we imagine that John Lilley is pacing back and forth in Pat Neff Hall, worried that the proposed George Dubya Bush Compassionate Conservative Water Park plans might give SMU some ideas for their negotiations with Karl Rove.

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Bush Library & Water Park: Mission Accomplished

Furthermore, Lilley has gotta be sweating the proposed Noah's Ark-shaped library plans, which were a marvel of modern architectural design and an elaborate tribute to Bush's effective response to Hurricane Katrina. Plus, if the Brazos continues to rise, the Ark-shaped Library can literally float down to College Station to hang out with his dad's library at Texas Ass & Mule. Its design was proposed by Evangelical-Catholic scholar St. Francis of the Bosque, who, like Paul on the road to Damascus, was struck by the Biblical resonance of Bush's policies when watching FoxNews' coverage of Hurricane Katrina.

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St. Francis's Bush Library Design

2. Aggie Cubicle Mate's Prized A&M Football Placed in Jello! In the spirit of NBC's The Office, it appears that some cubicle denizens have played a great joke on an Aggie co-worker by putting his collectible Aggie Football in Jello, which is what happened to Dwight Shrute's stapler in The Office. Since Baylor is the alma mater of Angela from the Office, we thought this was relevant in many ways. Its worth watching till the end for a good laugh.

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Saturday, July 28, 2007

Baylor vs Notre Dame: The Battle for Faith & Learning

Well, it's official. According to Jerry Hill at the Trib, Baylor will play Notre Dame in the new Cowboys stadium in 2012. This will be just in time to show off our $2 billion endowment and the fact that we just made the top-tier (top 50) of doctoral-granting institutions in the USNews rankings of colleges and universities. This will be a perfect national stage for our beloved university. Can you imagine all the bright, ambitious, upper-middle class Evangelical students with a mild interest in football, who, after watching the B get pummeled by Notre Dame, think to themselves:
"Do I belong at Baylor? It seems to be a comparable institution to Notre Dame, it seems to value a faith commitment, and, based on the outcome in this football match, its priorities are obviously academic and not athletic. Perhaps I shall send an application down to the sleepy hamlet of Waco and even prepare a campus visit with my social-climber parents. Yes, Baylor may just be the place for me, not Stanford, not Duke, and surely not Columbia. No, I shall travel from my family's home which is far from Texas and study at Baylor."

Of course, that is exactly how it will work. Sloan's vision is coming into fruition. South Bend-on-the-Brazos is nearly here. We are becoming the great institution of faith and learning. We are Baylor. Above. Beyond.

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Welcome to Baylor, high-achieving students!

Friday, July 27, 2007

Gotta Go! Gotta Go!

A couple weeks ago I visited the ever expanding concrete jungle that is Amsterdam upon Town Lake (soon to be Lady Bird Lake), aka 1960's Dallas, aka Shorthorn City. I normally do not travel outside the Alico alone, but when I do make the effort I have but two priorities.

1) Wear a collared pastel shirt.
2) Find a decent strip club.

Priority 1....check. Thank God I did not listen to Prez. Andrews and get rid of my Z Cavaricci gear. Priority 2...check. I found the local sportstalk radio station.

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Unfortunately, BearMeat's only foray into sports talk radio failed miserably.

With sports talk radio it's always easy to find the local Gentlemen's clubs. With every five minutes of talk, there usually is 8-10 minutes of commercials. That's what makes sports talk so popular...I guess. Anyway, true story here. What piqued my interest suddenly was a commercial for the B. Yeah, Baylor is supposedly advertising in Shorthorn City on the radio.

I'll have to admit that it was a pretty dull commercial with no playful jingle. I'm fairly certain that they kept saying a phrase over and over and over. Something like "Baylor: It's What's for Dinner" or "Baylor: We Don't Have the Top Ten Percent Rule" or "Baylor: The Real Ellis Island." I don't know really. It all went by so fast and anti-climatic.

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Intern Tatiana Libertad is the founder and face of our local resistance group, Alico Wool Work Society.

Anyway, immediately after the B's commercial there was an advert for a place called the Megaplex. Apparently they have videos, toys, a dvd happy hour, and promote safe sex. And upon further research, Megaplex is spelled Megaplexxx. Just found it ironic that our fair B's radio spot was followed by a hardcore porn shop's radio ad.

But here's the topper and pretty much the point of this damn post on this damn slow Friday. The next radio commercial was for this wonderful, fairy tale land strip club called Exposè. It wouldn't have mattered if this place was full of one armed strippers and $12 High Life's. The commercial jingle is absolutely brilliant/maddening.

I have been singing this damn song for weeks, and now that I have found it on YouTube I hope I can turn you onto this wonderfully penned tune. I will also pass a motion at the next BearMeat Editorial Board meeting requiring each pre-game tailgate to begin and end with the singing of this lyrical masterpiece. Enjoy. Sic 'em.

[This is a TV commercial, so it's definitely safe for work. Unless your boss and co-workers don't like a buxom blonde lip-synching while morphing into hundred of various outfits. The TV commercial is quite funny indeed.]


The Rankings Are In

Red already pointed out we are 101, but the final rankings are now in. At least we got to be featured prominently at the bottom of the Donkey Kong ladder. Our battle against Buffalo really will be a race to the bottom.

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Must be nice to be Iowa State.


New Oso Amigos: Southern Papa and The Cachinnator

We are nothing if not a blog of the people, by the people and for the people. It is for this reason that we don't let new friends that are members of the BearMeat Alliance (Oso Amigos & BearBackers) join without formal introductions.

First off, we have a Baylor Alumni-by-Choice who actually attended LSU & Ole Miss, Southern Papa, who apparently loves whiskey and southern football. It was the Papa himself who took the youtube footage of the goalposts being torn down in 1997 after the Makovic-killing victory over the ShortHorns. We salute you, Southern Papa! Welcome to the S.S. BearMeat, the first coal-powered blog in the Big 12.

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Artist Rendition of the Southern Papa

Next up, we have The Cachinnator, who brings the noise and the funk to the Waco Performing Arts Company and the Downtown Merchants Association. His blog is primarily devoted to deep belly laughs and existential experiences. We suggest you check it out immediately . . . if you're not afraid to have your mind blown!

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The Cachinnator: Keeping it Real in the 254

Sic 'Em!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Simpsons Movie: Waco We D'oh

The WacoTrib is being very proactive with their coverage of the new Simpons Movie. This photo slideshow compares the Simpsons people and places with Waco people and places. I'm so glad the Trib has finally been hiring our interns. Thanks to former BearMeat Intern Scott Fagner for this awesome image:

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Okie Tidbits: GuyMo Interview with LandThieves

In case you needed a little more J.D. Weed humor this Thursday afternoon, we suggest you head over to LandThieves for their interview with Guy Morriss. Mostly they delve into the 2-horse QB race, with humorous results.

UPDATE: Basically, LandThieves has begun doing our job for us. The HeadThief reports on the launching of Weed for Heisman. Perhaps he will fare better than our ill-fated Shawn Bell for Heisman campaign last year.


J.D. Weed: The Governor Requests the Pleasure of Your Company

While enjoying a fresh Baconator from Wendy's, I happened to stumble upon a tiny electronic article originating from that wondrous Mecca of Metalheads, San Antonio. At first I groaned. The title of said article: Big 12: Bowl or Bust for Baylor. My reaction was nonplussed. "Bowl? As in...Bowl Game??" I questioned out loud whilst motioning for my Intern, Michelle Kwan's step-sister. "Fetch me a ketchup packet, Kwany."

But I kept reading. The first quote from GuyMo made me choke on my fourth strip of bacon.

I believe our kids believe they can win

What the fuck? Is he auditioning for the lead role in Andrew Lloyd Weber's new musical, Flowers for Algernon Gonzales? I believe this double patty, double cheese, six bacon burger will cleanse my colon if the burger believes it can do the same. Note to self: have same talk with fifth of whiskey in 10 minutes.

So I started speed reading through the article. For me that means looking for pictures, bold letters, and names of celebrities. Quarterback Shuffle? Hello, Mr. Weed, it is a true pleasure to make your aquaintance.

Transfer Michael Machen has impressed coaches with his ability and attitude, but John David Weed has climbed the ladder during the summer.

"He has closed the gap," Morriss said of Weed. "He's spent a lot of time in the film room. He's more familiar with the system."

Images float through my head. The film room: 47" flat screen LCDs, Corinthian leather couch, soft leopard print throw pillows, nag champa incense wafting in the air, bag of Cheetos, a fat doobie, J.D. Weed's strong yet supple hand caressing the remote control, Baylor's new $34 million on-campus football complex. Ahhh, finally, I can rest at ease knowing that John David Weed's work rate is as strong and fruitful as our grassroot efforts to teach the masses of this Central Texas Dalai Lama. Go get 'em, Weed.

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John David Weed: The Beginnings

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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

2007-08 Baylor Gentlemen Hoops Schedule Features Four Less High School Teams

In a surprising turn of events Scott Drew (Inventor of the 30 Minutes of Hell and Gentlemen Basketball Coach) announced the toughest non-conference schedule in a generation. Drew explained that the primary reason he did this was to prepare for the Big 12 season, a first since joining the conference at its creation. Drew detailed the reasons for the schedule:

We always attempt to schedule as many games as possible against really weak teams, the type of team that if we lost to it would be shocking, even for us. It's important to build the guys confidence up against these opponents so when we get decimated during the Big 12 season we can point to our overall record and say we had a decent year. You know it is just so hard to look into the players eyes when we start our conference schedule and see the shock and disappointment when we struggle to execute on offense or defense after dominating the likes of Prairie View A&M for two months. I'd do anything to avoid that feeling, but now we may have to deal with this as early as November. I hope the AD realizes he just ruined Christmas for 13 young men.

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Baylor's warm-up game before playing KU.


Onward Baylor Soldiers: Waco We Do Recruiting

If you are not too busy polishing turds or giving interviews to Texas Monthly while driving (GuyMo!), today, I would request your attention to a most pressing matter that has weighed heavy on my heart. Today, like many Wacoans, I took advantage of Bad Bear Liquor's 15% discount (Tues/Wed. until 5pm) to stock up on Rebel Yell using my last remaining Bear Bucks. While in the store, I struck up a conversation with a few gentlemen that has got me thinking: why has Baylor let so many Waco high school prospects go to other programs? Why, just this last February, Mack Brown was in attendance at the Waco High Football Banquet while GuyMo was nowhere to be found!

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Mack Brown: "Waco We Do!"

Perhaps the most notable ommissions of the past few years have been LaDainian Tomlinson (TCU) and Derrick Johnson (UT). It has been long lamented that Baylor University was neglecting a high-school football talent cradle in failing to pursue Waco High and University High prospects. If anywhere, we should shore up our own backyard before venturing out into uncharted territory. That's not to say that we should sleep on talent in other cities, just that we need to attend to the greater Waco area in our recruiting efforts. Had LT played for Steele instead of TCU we may just have seen a 4-win season during the Steele Era. Imagine the stories we would be telling our grandchildren about how LT rushed for 200 yds in a blowout loss to Tech.

NFL MVP as an Overlooked University High Trojan

This is all to say, that I believe that GuyMo is finally realizing the extent of the local talent and how The B can't afford to lose another player coming out of Waco High or University High. Of his recent commits, at least three hail from Waco - Jarred Salubi (RB), Gary Mason (DE), and Antonio Johnson (DE). In fact, Waco High Coach Johnny Tusa remarked that GuyMo has done the best job of any Baylor coach in recruiting his players. This is definitely a step in the right direction. You know that Baylor has a natural advantage in the minds of these young Wacoans. Whether they be Lion or Trojan, who wouldn't want to play for the hometown Big12 school? Parents can attend games, friendships can continue, and no family and community ties will be broken or disrupted. Plus, it will strengthen the weakening bond between town and gown.

Waco We Do.

Onward Baylor Soldiers.

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Tuesday, July 24, 2007

NCAA Football '08 "Texas fan" is really Baylor grad

Who is Lee Jennings? The question has been posed by Texas ShortHorn message boards, and most recently, by Peter at Burnt Orange Nation. What are they talking about, you ask? Watch this EA Sports NCAA Football '08 commercial and you'll understand.

Lee Jennings is supposed to be the the UT broseph that gamers can relate to - white, 20-something, southern, conservative, and fanatical about sports - the target demographic for EA Sports new college football game. However, there is one small problem: Lee Jennings is a fictional person. That's right "Lee Jennings" is a role played by LA-based actor and Baylor alum Toby Meuli (BFA 2004). Check out his IMDB profile if you don't believe us. But how do we know for sure, you ask? Toby responded to our email and confirmed the story.

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Toby "Lee Jennings" Meuli, Baylor Bear, Class of '04

So, sorry to ruin the illusion, my ShortHorn brethern, but your "fan" is our boy. That's Baylor, doing the work that ShortHorns don't want to do - making $$ off of EA Sports. In his email to the Editorial Board, Toby confessed his "sin":
In Baylor-Baptist fashion, I must openly confess that it is me in the Texas EA Sports commercial. Putting on that burnt orange shirt after spending four years despising the Horns has been my greatest acting challenge to date. Here's to the day when I can do an EA Sports commercial for Baylor Football. Sic'em.

Also, you'll like this, Matt Leinart shot his EA commercial the same day I did and we shared a dressing room. He was an incredibly nice guy and we swapped some losing-to-Texas stories; I think he hates them more than I do.

I, for one, am not mad at ya, Toby! We've been making money off the ShortHorns for years. Continue taking money by portraying LongHornies. We give your performance 5 Dingleberries out of 5 possible.

Sic 'em, Bears!


Monday, July 23, 2007

Daily Dimebag: Weed's Competition

Thanks to a Dallas Morning News article on Baylor's QB contest, we now know that there are two finalists for the starting spot: The Best Weed in Texas, John David Weed, and Michael Machen, a 25-year old Kent State (like we need any more tragedy) transfer and degree-holder (he's a grad student in sports management) whose final year of eligibility was "grandfathered" in under an old NCAA rule (since repealed). Baylor is his fourth college, following Coffeyville Community College (KS), Kent State, and Alabama. Basically, he has lived several lifetimes already. Machen's age and college degree aren't his only advantages; he also used to play minor league baseball! He spent a combined three years in the farm systems of the Atlanta Braves and Baltimore Orioles. I'm guessing this guy also has been to war and hitch-hiked across the USA, perhaps writing a novel along the way.

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Michael "Old Man" Machen

The DMN article seems to indicate how well GuyMo has motivated his squad. The battle between the two front-runners seems close, with Grandpa holding a slight lead. According to the article:

Machen has the upper hand because of his experience. But Morriss said Weed has closed the gap this summer as he becomes more familiar with the system. As for Szymanski, he's the distant No. 3 quarterback now. "It will be a two-man race going into camp," Morriss said.

Jerry Hill's recent article on Machen describes his journey in detail, and reveals that the rest of the team calls him "Gramps" and "Old Man," which seems apt given that he is the only QB at the B drawing a Social Security check each month. Sounds like our boy, JD Weed, has his work cut out for him. Stay strong, Weed, BearMeat's legions stand silently behind you.

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Weed at the Spring Scrimmage

They have one message for GuyMo: "We want Weed! We want Weed!"

Sic 'em!

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#101 in the nation: There's just no polishing that turd

ESPN.com has just ranked the top 119 football programs in the nation in the last decade. First, the good news. Our last non-conference game this year is against the 119th team - dead last in the nation - the University of Buffalo Bulls [Really? You didn't want to go with the Buffalo Buffaloes? Seems like a no-brainer. - Eds.] on September 22nd, 2007, in upstate New York. That should be a guaranteed win, right? Right? [Probably not. - Eds.] The bad news is that Baylor is ranked 101st in the nation. Granted, there was a healthy slice of those ten years in which Kevin Steele was charting our program's ship into shark-infested waters. (The UNLV game was ESPN's #85 most memorable college football moment for Steele's boneheaded refusal to take a knee.)

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The UNLV Game: "You Gotta Know When to Hold 'em, Know When to fold 'em, know when to walk away . . . "

However, what may be notable is that Rice University is ranked higher than us. Football at Rice is deemed such a failure that there has been wide-spread talk among their alumni in the past few years about scrapping the program altogether. Why, you ask? They won 3 more SWC conference championships than us, which means they too have a historic, storied program. Why would they want to scrap football? They have a sense of pride. I'm not advocating that drastic of a course of action. Just that we need to have higher expectations. The espn.com article sums up our woes:
The emblematic moment of Bears football the past decade was the 1999 decision by coach Kevin Steele to try to punch in one more score from inside the 10 while up three on UNLV in the final seconds. Naturally, the Bears fumbled. Naturally, the Rebels ran it back 99 yards for the victory.
Naturally, Baylor remains without a winning season since 1995.

Pat Forde, in an article explaining Baylor's unique position, said Baylor is an "academically oriented private school in a meat-grinder conference full of enormous state universities." 'Nuff said.

Year in Review: Meaty Blogging on the Brazos

In July 2006 a secretive meeting of crusty, old Baylor tailgaters with vivid memories of the Teaff era convened on the banks of the Brazos to summon the spirits of Baylor past to do something about the state of affairs of Baylor Athletics. The primary concern was The B's record against Texas Ass & Mule in football - it was dismal. To restore the lifeblood back to the rivalry with the Agriculturalists, these half-drunk fans lit an enormous fire and began to incant in Latin and poured out ritual libations of Pearl Light and Rebel Yell Kentucky bourbon. After much screaming at the heavens and cursing the names of Robert Sloan, Jr., Kevin Steele, and Dave Bliss, three ghosts appeared in the fire (much like the Transfiguration) and walked out of the flames and among the revelers.

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Gov. Pat Strikes a Pose

"Fear not, for we have come not to destroy the law, but to fulfill it," said the ghost of Governor Pat.

"Indeed, we will watch over our school and city to ensure that the noble days of the past shall return again. We must restore honor to my name," urged the ghost of The Good Judge.

"We shall take up residence in the Amicable Building, or the ALICO as it is known today, and we only ask for a few interns to assist us with the day-to-day operations of our charge. That and a lifetime supply of bourbon," demanded the ghost of the Old President.

From that day forward, the three ghosts (the BearMeat Editorial Board) set forth to publish their journal of opinion, or blog, as the interns refer to it, on the state of affairs at Texas' Oldest University. The journal was given the title "BearMeat," which is how opponents regarded The B in the first decade of Big12 play. What follows is a summary of the highlights of this endeavor, charted month-by-month.

July 2006

BearMeat began on a very philosophical and high-minded ethical note. The first post, the Declaration of Principles, announced the Editorial Board's intentions and standards. While the Good Judge opined on the meaning of the Tidwell Babel Building's arrested development, digital ink was spilled over Mulk saving The B from the moral quagmire of the Bliss Era, and much was made of GuyMo changing the culture after Kevin Steele.

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First Day at the ALICO: Gov. Pat, Red, The Judge

August 2006

August began with a bit more exploration into the Meaning of Mulk, a further analysis of the cost-benefit of the Bliss Era, our 2006 College Football Season Preview, and the epic 18-post season opener preview, FrogMeat, which included Gov. Pat's hilarious comparison of the Old SWC Schools to Goonie's characters. Gold. Also, a truly awesome fan emerges on Youtube, Trent Shelton's dad, George Shelton. The Judge delves into the archives to discover how Baylor got into the Big12.

Shelton: Bringing the Noise, Bringing the Funk

September 2006

The non-conference schedule was full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. A dismal 1-3 record left the BearMeat Editorial Board pining for other topics, like the decline of the women's soccer program after Tom Stanton wouldn't pay the coach what the market would bear, or launching and abandoning the dark horse Heisman bid of Shawn Bell. The Governor was hard at work, letting the creative juices flow with his break down of GuyMo's "CareBear" System, and a humorous romp comparing West Point to The B. Finally, the editors say a sad farewell to Baylor's beloved Governor, Ann Richards.

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GuyMo = Tenderheart

October 2006

Hands down, the most creative month of the year. Playing UT and A&M worked the Editors up into a blogging frenzy. Texas ShortHorn Playing Cards were introduced, the Good Judge went undercover into DKR/Memorial to report on the bizarre customs of our neighbors to the south, Prez Andrews renegs on his abandoning of Shawn Bell's darkhorse Heisman bid after an emotional Homecoming win over KU, and the Good Judge introduces the BearBacker into the lexicon. Then, in gearing up for the Ass & Mule game, the Governor drops Aggie Pail Kids, which changed the way Agrics looked at themselves, and the Good Judge pens BearMeat's most influential post: A&M = North Korea. This brings the heat from the Ags, who had to have someone read the post to them and translate it into Redneck to understand it. The Judge hooks up with an Amazon LadyAg and Shawn Bell's career-ending injury is lamented. Finally, an argument is put forth for the century-old rivalry between The B and Ass & Mule.

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BearMeat: The Civilized Art of Satire

November 2006

Bell's injury and the Bears' subsequent decline into the perennial doormat quickly deflated the Editorial Board's bowl hopes for the season. The Governor spoofed the TX Technical's "Get yer Guns Up", but BearMeat's coverage of the final two games of the football season proved too difficult a task after watching the Red Raiders decimate the Bears. Thoughts turned quickly to basketball, as the Prez presented a loving photo montage of Mulk, the Good Judge began an extensive process of giving nicknames to the freshman LadyBears and Gentleman Bears. The BearMeat Football Postseason Awards Banquet was a rowdy affair. Finally, the Prez mocks the Ags for having the 12th Man on the field at an inopportune time and the ShortHorns for Jevan Snead's uncanny resemblance to Major Applewhite.

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Mulk: A Vision in Baby Blue

December 2006

By far BearMeat's laziest month, as the general malaise of the football season caused a severe blog hangover at the ALICO which lasted nearly a month. Things got so bad, that BearMeat was bought out by the Republic of Angola, which caused a bit of a stir until Bernard Rappoport bought out the Angolans to become the 51% shareholder. The Judge summed up despair around the ALICO by reporting on the G. K. Kinne fiasco.

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The Angolan Shareholders Were Fiscal Conservatives

January 2007

The new year started with bad news: Local boy and warrior-poet, George Dubya Bush, chose SMU over Baylor for the site of his Presidential Library. This caused the editors to doubt his wisdom and judgment. Scott Drew defeats Bobby Knight at the Will Ferrell Center, BearMeat woos Kim Mulkey after learning of her divorce. Oklahoma is denigrated for being so . . . weird. Mid-Season Report Cards are mailed to Ian McCaw for the LadyBears and ManBears. The Judge looks at Baylor athletics and suffering through the prism of C.S. Lewis. CrossCyed (now Clone Chronicles) interviews the BearMeat Editorial Board. BearMeat makes the case for Singletary as coach of the Cowboys. BearMeat unveils its collection of head coach heads.

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Okies: An Incomprehensible People

February 2007

A very productive month. Perhaps bullet points would best help readers deal with this month.

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You Gotta Believe: That's for damn sure

March 2007

Landmark month for the blog - very creative and quite productive. Since the posts are all over the place, bullet point format is most likely the best format for this:

Aggies: Rushing the Empty Floor

April 2007

A lackluster month of withdrawal after a disappointing basketball season. Exploring the meaning of OSU vs Florida, Scott Drew - staying put amid many high-profile coaching changes, catching up with Kevin Steele, and Mulk signs a $1 mil/year deal while Gillispie abandons the Corps.

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BCG: "Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money."

May 2007

A true Baylor and Waco potpouri month, as BearMeat looked at Sloan & Giuliani's pro-choice initiatives, called Dallas Choke City, was interviewed on EDSBS Live (internet radio) by EDSBS's Orson Swindle and BON's Peter Bean, introduced Bear Libations, alcoholic drinks for fans of The B, said goodbye to Herb Reynolds, and made the acquaintance of Leighton Radtke thanks to Youtube (sadly the videos were taken down).

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Sloan & Giuliani: Quid Pro Quo

June 2007

Started out with a bang, or should I say bomb? Dave Cunningham, former rugby, track & cross country athlete, threatens to blow up Baylor. University High Prom is truly Wacofabulous. Sironia, Texas = literary/universal Waco. Ted Nugent enhanced the public discourse in Waco. Mulk recruits girl who can dunk. Olympic Gold Medalist Jeremy Wariner, slingin' 3-stripe sneakers. Baylor fan streaks the Ass & Mule baseball game, holding up the score of the 2004 Miracle on the Brazos. BearMeat's ideal gameday at Floyd Casey. BearMeat discovers that Angela from The Office (US) was a Baylor grad! The BearBacker Voices Summer Lecture Series is a wild success, thanks to our devoted readers/associate editors. And finally, the Immortal 10 Statue is installed on campus.

Only Took 80 Years

July 2007

This month has also been full of wonderful BearMeat goodness. To explain, the trusty bullet points will be employed.

chum's BearMeat masterpiece

There you have it. The 2006-2007 BearMeat Year in Review.


Sunday, July 22, 2007

The Best Weed in Texas, Part 4: GuyMo's Weed Problem

[This is the fourth and final installment of the four-part series, The Best Weed in Texas: The Life and Legend of John David Weed, profiling one of the B's contestants for the starting QB position. A JuCo transfer who hails from H-Town, Weed's name and character are both larger than life. His name is such a godsend to our blog, that an estimated 85% of our football coverage in the upcoming season will be dedicated to elaborate drug references and puns using his name. Enjoy! - Eds.]

GuyMo's Weed Problem

Did you ever have to make up your mind?
Pick up on one and leave the other[s] behind?
It's not often easy and not often kind.
Did you ever have to make up your mind?

- "Did you ever have to make up your mind?" by the Lovin' Spoonful

GuyMo Pre-Season Final Exam Question:

1. Which of the following quarterbacks will be your starter come the season opener against your alma mater, TCU?

A) Michael Machen, 6-6, 237, Sr.-TR, Mobile, Ala.
B) John David Weed, 6-4, 214, Jr.-TR, Houston, Texas
C) Blake Szymanski, 6-4, 209, So., Wichita Falls, Texas
D) Ryan Roberts, 6-0, 212, Jr.-SQ, Keller, Texas
E) Tyler Beatty, 6-3, 200, Fr.-RS, Pflugerville, Texas

If you did not answer "B)", John David Weed, you have failed the exam.

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The Mainstreaming of Weed

Since Shawn Bell's career ending injury in the 4th Quarter of the A&M game last year, The B has been devoid of a true successor to the Caesar of China Spring. Blake "The Polish Pony" Szymanski attempted to replace Baylor's all-time passing leader, but spent the rest of the season flat on his back thanks to the rapid deterioration of the O-line. Due to pass protection issues and a lackadaisical offense, we weren't able to see what The Polish Pony was capable of. However, the arrival of John David Weed on campus changes everything. Its not everyday that you have a chance to start a quarterback who has hunted The Most Dangerous Game.

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Weed, right, with hunting companion-turned-prey, Jim Bob

John David Weed is truly the Best Weed in Texas. His name, his size, his experience, and his notoriety will bring publicity to our struggling program. He attended Tyler Junior College and has declared his major as "General Studies" here at The B. What does that mean? He is committed to football; JD Weed will not let academics get in the way of leading this team. This is no scholar-athlete, this is an ATHLETE. Period. He is not here at Texas' oldest university to learn; he is here to play. [In spite of what you read on his official profile. Academic All-American? Work with us here, BU Athletic Dept!]

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Waco Police Dept Sketch of JD Weed

You can always trust QBs with great names to produce on the field. Based on Blake's name, the only thing we are confident he can produce is a high-quality sausage. Since the pathetic loss of G.K. Kinne (GuyMo's assistant coach's son!), the competition for starting QB has been more like drawing straws to see who will be executed first. There is only one man who has the courage, the faith, and the moral temerity to face down the prospect of an 0-8 conference record and that man is John David Weed.

Give Weed the starting position. He has earned it.

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Saturday, July 21, 2007

The Best Weed in Texas, Part 3: Don't Take My Weed to Tyler

[This is the third in a four-part series, The Best Weed in Texas: The Life and Legend of John David Weed, profiling one of the B's contestants for the starting QB position. A JuCo transfer who hails from H-Town, Weed's name and character are both larger than life. His name is such a godsend to our blog, that an estimated 85% of our football coverage in the upcoming season will be dedicated to elaborate drug references and puns using his name. Enjoy! - Eds.]

Don't Take My Weed to Tyler

Lets us start with a few John David Weed Facts that I'm sure you are all aware of by now.

Height: 6'5

Weight: 225

Hobbies: Music, hunting, fishing, and cars.

Fave Movie: Varsity Blues

Fave Team: Colts

Fave Athlete: Peyton Manning

Here is a JD Weed Fact you probably didn't know: he can smell fear, devour linebackers, digest human flesh, and shit out the bones.

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"I am more beast than man."

Junior/Community Colleges are usually places of transition. They are a begining point. They are open and acessible to nearly all high school grads and GED holders in the U.S., and are immeasurable assets to the communities that they serve. It was into this most democratic of educational institutions that JD Weed entered in the Fall of 2004. Weed redshirted his first year at Tyler Junior College in Tyler, Texas, where he mostly studied Business. Of course, most of his time was spent skipping classes and marching in the streets of Tyler for Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Rights. [Not insinuating that he's gay, just that he's complex; you can't predict what he's going to do or say - that may include taking an extreme or progressive political position, or barbecuing a midget just for fun - who knows?] While his RedShirt Freshman year was mostly filled with political causes and herbal self-medication, his sophomore and junior seasons were dedicated to busting up the Tyler JC record books. Let us demonstrate a sample of Tyler's Best Weed:

Opponents Chanted: "Smoke that Weed, Smoke that Weed!"

While earning laurels as the QB at Tyler, JD Weed spent most of his days in deep study of the Scriptures. His in-depth textual analysis of the Book of Ecclesiastes led him to a Christian Existentialism, which caused him to shed all the superflous aspects of his life. He broke up with all 7 of his live-in girlfriends. He sold his Ford Festiva to one of his teammates for a Whataburger Tacquito. He began living in a tent outside the football stadium and dispensing wisdom to curious onlookers and devoted pilgrims, visiting from Cypress Creek. It was while he was sweating profusely one August afternoon in his tent that he had a vision from Our Lord. The angel Gabriel appeared in the Weed Tent and said:

John David Weed, good and faithful servant of the Lord Most High, you are to go to the Land of the Baptists, where you will lead a wayward flock back to the path of righteousness and truth. It has been nearly 15 years since they were shepherded by a good and righteous man who knew how to win ball games. Since then, they have fallen from Grace, embracing despair, compromising their expectations, and - most abhorrent - polishing turds and pretending they are diamonds. The Lord Most High demands of you that in one year's time you pack up your tent and all your worldly belongings and head to Jerusalem-on-the-Brazos, also known as Sironia, Texas. It is there that you will receive an education second to none and will bring honor and glory back to the Bears of Baylor. End communication.

And that is how Weed was shipped from Tyler to Waco.

But, what happened when he arrived in God's Country, you ask? That is for another day, my son.

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Thursday, July 19, 2007

RoxyMeat: Chum's Baylor Apocalypse

BearMeat's Official Music Video Unveiled

Behold the brilliance of ksufans.com video artist chum, who was previously the subject of a BearBacker Voices Summer Lecture Series Interview. His complete body of work can be found here. Recently, chum agreed to create a video for these here BearMeats; he did not disappoint. He has turned Baylor, Waco and BearMeat into a beautiful work of art. When I first saw this I removed my boots, because I knew I was standing in the presence of God. After you watch this, you may think that our blog has nothing more to say because of the sheer completeness of this video. It is the most BearMeat creation we have ever witnessed and the Editorial Board had nothing to do with it. Basically, we have been out-BearMeated. Wow. May God have mercy on our souls. It's been a fun run. Pro Ecclesia, Pro Texana! Sic 'em, Bears!

If you don't watch this video, your life will not receive the transformation needed to achieve salvation. Not watching = rejecting the grace of God.


The Highest Form of Flattery

The BearMeat Revolution is now.

Our blog has been bringing the funny to the Big12 for nearly a year and we are starting to reap the benefits of our good faith and due diligence. How do we measure the relative success or failure of our blog, you ask. Simple: has our style influenced others? We believe it has. Our blog has fathered a few illegitimate sons among the Big12 which we will gladly take credit for. While these blogs would never admit it, we knew their mothers in the biblical sense - both Old Testament style and New Testament style. It is well documented that Gov Pat is the biological father of Disco Tech!'s Bond J. Bond. Similarly, the Good Judge himself sired the entire Triumvirate of Awesome. [Who are they? Just the most awesome group of anonymous law students on I-35.] It was in like fashion, in a trip north of the Red River that I had carnal knowledge of a Lady LandThief, thus the blog LandThieves was born [An entertaining satirical blog about the Sooners and all things Okie.]

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Disco Tech!'s Bond J. Bond with Live-in Girlfriend Samantha

Our pride as parents has never been greater. Somebody call John David Weed to bring the primo sh*t to the ALICO. I predict a lazy day at the office today.


Wednesday, July 18, 2007

That's Waco For You

I happened upon an article in the Trib about the SWAT team setting up shop in the 12th street HEB parking lot. Apparently a murder suspect out of Dallas who may have had an AK-47 was thought to be in one of the apartments in the immediate area. This HEB has always fascinated me. I think I could squeeze an article or two, if not a dissertation out of it. It is full of Baylor kids and is boxed in my two crappy projects within walking distance. If one was so inclined and I have been, you can set up shop outside this store sipping 25 cent Dr. B and observe some of the broadest demographics imaginable. It is also the smallest HEB I have ever seen and certainly percentage wise, the grocery store with the most space dedicated to alcohol. The reason I bring it up is the article mentioned interviewing several Baylor students about the incident. Four words uttered by Baylor student Michael Thomas summed it up:

That’s Waco for you.

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The known world to the BearMeat Editors.

It's not like this couldn't or doesn't happened elsewhere all the time. The thing that strikes me and has always fascinated me is in this small Texas city a collective consciousness has taken over long time residents and people just visiting for few years like most Baylor students. Anything is possible. No matter how crazy a fact pattern may appear to the average observer, in Waco it can easily be explained away by, "That's Waco for you."

"I just saw a pack of 15 dogs swim across the Brazos and eat a horse."
"That's Waco for you."

"I was at a party on Washington Avenue and the sheriff walked in with a bag off blow, did a couple of bumps, and set himself on fire."
"That's Waco for you."

"I was driving down New Road last night and without making a turn I ended up on Lakeshore Drive and I swear, I was sober, the road dead ended in Lake Waco. There wasn't a sign or warning or anything, the road just kept going and it looked like it was designed to just end in the lake, on purpose."
"That's Waco for you."

It makes me wonder what could happen in Waco that would really make people say, "That's crazy" or "In Waco, no way"?

Judge Baylor, Emperor Editor and Oppressor of the Poor


The Best Weed in Texas, Part 2: A Weed Grows in Houston

[This is the second in a four-part series, The Best Weed in Texas: The Life and Legend of John David Weed, profiling one of the B's contestants for the starting QB position. A JuCo transfer who hails from H-Town, Weed's name and character are both larger than life. His name is such a godsend to our blog, that an estimated 85% of our football coverage in the upcoming season will be dedicated to elaborate drug references and puns using his name. Enjoy! - Eds.]

A Weed Grows in Houston

Let's start at the very beginning; a very good place to start. John David Weed is a grown man. He stands 6 feet, 5 inches tall and weighs in at 225 lbs. He has spent three years in college. His neck is the size of most men's thighs. When we speak of John David Weed, we are not referring to some greenhorn true freshman or gridiron novice, no, we refer to a flesh and blood grown up with the Greatest Name in College Football. So, how did this man of mythical proportions arrive at The B? Well, for that story, we must travel back in time to suburban Houston in the late 1980s, around the time Rick Perry was eyeing a run for Commissioner of Agriculture as a Republican.

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The Man. The Myth. The Weed.

John David Weed was concieved during a hurricane as his parents were honeymooning in Galveston. The fury of the gale-force winds beat on their beach-front bungalow as J.D. Weed, Sr., promised to his mother, Temprance, that if they were to survive the storm he would dedicate their first-born son's life to God's Sport: American Football. Miraculously, the hurricane changed course and headed for the happy nation of Haiti, whose citizens had never known hardship. When John David Weed, Jr. was born, he was immediately put to work mowing the lawn, trimming hedges, and laying brick. By the time he was 2 years of age, he had developed quite a reputation as an air-conditioning subcontractor. However, the money that came in from J.D. Weed's manual labor, while immensely helpful to the family, was but a distraction from the goal: a Quarterback's Quarterback. Junior Weed slept with a football every night and when he awoke in the mornings his father had him in two-a-day workouts until night fall, when he would begin marathon memorization sessions - hook routes, slant routes, the option, the run and shoot - which would be tested on each Friday.

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Just a Little Weed: John David, 4 Months Old

When it came time for JD Weed Jr to attend school, his father obtained a waiver from then-governor George W. Bush, whose eye for football talent rivaled that of Carole Keeton Strayhorn. The waiver meant that Weed would not attend school until he was of age to begin studies at the baccalaureate level in a collegiate setting. So, for the next 12 years, JD Weed played in Pop Warner, YMCA, semi-pro leagues, Canadian Football League (no age minimum) and Australian Rules Football (which was a bit of a cultural misunderstanding by Weed, Sr.). This training prepared Weed for his 7 year career as the starting QB for Cypress Creek HS. Thanks to legislation allowing "home-schooled" and "special needs" children to participate in public school athletics, Weed quickly rose to prominence as the 12yr old high school QB phenom in the greater Houston area.

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Weed: 12 yr old Starting QB for Varsity

What the Cougars lacked in wins and state championships, they made up for in sheer awesomeness. John David Weed started every game drunk as a Cooter Brown (usually combined with a visible degree of amorous arousal) and most half-time pep talks consisted of Weed screaming about how high school football was a metaphor for publicly-traded corporations. His obsession with the Dow Jones Industrial Average cost the Cougars many a game, but spawned a legend in H-Town that has yet to die out. By his senior year, Weed's frustration with the rules and conventions of traditional football caused him to expiriment with various offensive plays based on Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. Having got rid of the coaching staff three years prior, Weed presided over the football program like a feudal lord. He recruited both the English teacher and Drama teacher to assist him with his elaborate game strategies, including all forms of trickery, fraud and deceit.

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A Photo Taken in Practice of Weed's Wishbone Offense

At one point, Weed had his girlfriend take a few snaps to confuse the opposing team, which tragically resulted in her hospitalizaiton and subsequent lawsuit against the school district. Due to the lack of discipline, order, logic and morality in Weed's system, many players lost their moral center and began down a path of spiraling substance abuse and drug trafficking. This is how the Cougars became known as Weed's Weed Carriers. The transactions were often elaborate and confusing, but usually involved sales to the other team on game day, handed off between lineman. When this was discovered, the school was scandalized, but the Harris County D.A. refused to bring suit since Weed was a minor and had blackmailed the D.A. with evidence of his flair for cross-dressing. When Weed's Reign of Terror (as the school superintendent would later put it) finally ended after seven long years of chaotic football, Weed talked himself into a scholarship at Tyler Junior College.

But that is a story for another day.

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