Tuesday, June 19, 2007

BON & EDSBS LIVE: The Four Questions

If you have never checked out EDSBS LIVE, a radio show hosted by Burnt Orange Nation's Peter Bean and Every Day Should Be Saturday's Orson Swindle every Tuesday night, you need to give it a listen. A few weeks back, EDSBS Live interviewed Red Andrews (the Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007, show about 60 minutes in to the broadcast - you can access the show here under "previous broadcasts"), and asked their four customary questions. While our answers didn't get us Jennifer Anniston's private cell number, it did win us the respect and admiration of aristocrats everywhere. In the spirit of these two megablogs (just as dominant as their respective athletic programs), we will answer their Four Questions, Hawaiian-style, this afternoon for lack of anything better to do.

1. What year was paradise for your team?
Baylor has never won a national title in football. However, we have come close, finishing the 1951 season ranked 9th in the nation, and being ranked 3rd in the nation for two weeks running in 1953. There will probably be some debate about this among die-hard Baylor fans, but I'm gonna venture an answer with the 1980 season, in which we were ranked 6th in the nation, with an 10-1 record, going into the Cotton Bowl against Bear Bryant's Crimson Tide. That year we had Mike Singletary and Walter Abercrombie, were coached by Grant Teaff, and we were undefeated in conference play (including a 16-0 shutout against the ShortHorns and a 46-7 blowout of A&M). Were it not for a fluke non-conference loss against San Jose State (?), that Cotton Bowl game could have been a run at the national championship. The details of the game are still too painful to recount. Just take my word when I tell you that we lost to 'Bama. We finished the season ranked 14th in the AP.

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Ranked 6th, But Not For Long

2. What Does Your Game Day Utopia Look Like?
Texas A&M home game. It begins early in the morning, being roused from slumbering at my desk in the ALICO building, by sultry Gender Studies intern Susanna Fallatia. I proceed to wake up the rest of the BearMeat Editorial Board as we gather the necessary provisions for the journey to Floyd Casey. The weather is 97 degrees with a 13% chance of fire and brimstone. We decide to travel by donkey to the stadium, which is about 30 blocks away. This journey takes two hours and includes all types of "hobo spotting" drinking games.

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Gov. Pat Tried To Convince Many To Give Him A Piggy-Back Ride

By the time we arrive at George's Tent, we realize that the citizens of Waco have taken us up on our ill-advised "Free Tickets With Proof of Poppa Rollo's Pizza Purchase" Promotion. So, in addition to 20,000+ Baylor fans, students and alumni, there are 30,000 overweight, very thirsty Wacoans looking to be entertained, bread-and-circuses style. They have been tailgaiting for hours, consuming as much Bud Light as the law will allow, waiting for our second ill-advised promotional, the All-You-Can-Drink Pearl Light Giveaway, which we arranged with the Pearl Brewery in San Antonio, only to find that it has been bought out by a virtual brewer, Pabst.com, and that we were swindled by yet another enterprising hobo. Regardless, the invoice will be mailed to us later.

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The Wacoans Were Ready for Violent Spectacle

As we enter the stadium, we are pleased to find that the Judge Ralph Strother has granted our Temporary Injunction allowing alcohol to be served at The Floyd. The Libations are poured out to young and old as we all collectively await kickoff. The sounds of fighting in the stands and abandoned children fill the air, which is thick with cigarette smoke and despair. The game begins . . .
Which leads to the third question:

3. Describe the perfect game - situation and score.
Right before kick-off, John Lilley, M.Div., takes the field, wearing preacher robes and carrying an ancient text, he begins to incant in Latin, and magically, the zombie remains of Earl Rudder and R.C. Slocum appear at midfield. The two Aggie legends teeter and totter, as Mike Singletary emerges from the locker room, clad in samurai robes and carrying a sword. He lunges toward the two Zombie-Ag-Legends and with one swift blow, decapitates both. The crowd roars with approval and litters the field with Pearl Light cans, lotto tickets, and chicken bones. The Agric fans in attendance recoil in horror, as Baylor Bomber Dave Cunningham, temporarily released from federal prison, swoops down in a stolen helicopter, dangling what looks like a giant bucket at the end of a rope, and unleashes one thousand pounds of horse shit on the Aggie band. Thousands of Agrics flee the stadium, fearing for what awaits them next.

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The Samurai: He Will Eat Your Soul

As the Ags take the field, ready to receive the kickoff, Grant Teaff comes down from the luxury box, puts on pads and a helmet, and subs in for a special teams player. The ball is kicked and is suspended in the air for what seems like hours as Teaff proceeds to maim the entire kickoff return unit of A&M. The ball drops down at the 1 yd line and the fans begining throwing their clothes on the field to honor the one, true Baylor legend.

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Teaff's Record vs UT: 11-12

In the next succession of downs, the offense continues to lose players, until Coach Fran is forced to turn to the handful of Ag fans in attendance, and asks, would any of you be willing to suit up and play, you know, 12th Man-style? Sure enough, Bubba Ignorson, from Jasper, dons the Number 12 jersey and takes the snap as JoePa (The B's star linebacker, not the Nitney Lions coach) runs for Bubba. The 12th Man tries to elude capture, but is knocked to the ground and pronounced brain dead on the scene by local witch doctor. The Big 12 Commish, in attendance, decides the game has been forfeited, as no more Ags will volunteer for the once-coveted 12th Man spot, and the stadium erupts in peals of laughter and mighty flatulence. For an encore, GuyMo grabs Fran by the double chin and pulls him towards the 50 yd line. He turns to the crowd: "What would you have me do with him?"

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Fran Was Hated, Villified - And That Was Just How the Aggies Felt

The crowd responds: "Crucify him! Crucify him!" GuyMo, ever the humanitarian, decides it best to offer Fran the chance to fall on his sword. Fran does this by calling a member of the Corps a Democrat. The Corps member couldn't abide such an insult and lops off Fran's head.

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Ags: A Gay Son, Maybe, But Never a Lib

The crowd then follows the BearMeat Editorial Board, as we hoist the corpse of Reviellie on a stick and march out of the Floyd, singing "That Good Old Baylor Line.

End Scene.

4. What's your favorite show/movie/book that has to do with Hawaii?
Uh, what is Hawaii?

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  • Can't decide which photo above is more disgustingly horrific and potentially psychologically damaging. (A) Size 42 inch waist 'whale tail' or (B) Seven Senior Aggies in Boots.

    I shall have to seriously reconsider (split infinitive, I know) whether or not BearMeat can remain on my pre-bedtime reading docet.

    Too dangerously close to nightmare prompts.

    Barely a prof

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:10 PM  

  • Here's a little BearMeat trivia for all that's concerned.

    Before every editorial meeting, we raise our glass of Rebel Yell high and toast to the ghosts of the great Baylor past and to any lady, no matter the girth, who sports a Whale-Tail. These people are givers, never takers.

    Whoa, gotta go...my Coors Light mountains just turned blue. Time to drink some cold shit water.

    By Blogger Pat Neffistopheles, at 12:23 AM  

  • Barely a Prof:

    We apologize, but that photo included both the whale and the tail, which we thought was rare for a land-based creature.


    Welcome back, Governor. We have missed you so.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 4:28 AM  

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