Sunday, June 10, 2007

BearMeat Glossary

[We have decided to update and expand the BearMeat Glossary, giving it its own post, apart from the Around the Quad from whence it came. - Eds.]

Many readers have complained about the indecipherable inside jokes, nicknames, and themes contained in our daily writings here at BearMeat. So we present a glossary of BearMeat Terms for your future reading.
  • 30 Minutes of Hell = This is Scott Drew's unique style of hoops that makes the first 3/4 of every game very competitive, then begins to pull back the reins just as the opposing team surges ahead. He decided to take Nolan Richardson and Mike Anderson's 40 Minutes of Hell and make it more cost-effective.
  • Agric(ulturalists) = The worst type of rural vermin. Like a pestilence on the body politic, these half-wits roam the state with impunity and control the highest offices of our government. We must stop them now before all our children are saying things like "BTHOTU" "teasippers" "t.u." "howdy" and "gig 'em." BearMeat is dedicated to their extinction. See our Fair and Balanced coverage of this species.
  • AirBear = More commonly known as "BearRaid." The run and gun offensive system brought to Baylor by Lee "Desperado" Hays. Just as it started to work last season, its commander and dark horse Heisman hopeful, Shawn Bell, went down with an injury.
  • ALICO Building = Actual historic skyscraper located in downtown Waco. Was tallest building built west of the Mississippi in 1911. Symbol of Waco's prominence and prosperity in the early 1900s. Now symbol of decline and lowered expectations. BearMeat rents/squats on abandoned 13th Floor, where the editorial offices are located.
  • "The B" = Baylor. BU is lame and played out. Plus there are like 5 other "BU"s in college sports. Just as Miami is the only "U", so we are the only "B".
  • The Baylor Bomber = Former BU Track, Cross-Country and Rugby player, Dave Cunningham, who threatened to blow up Baylor from a hotel in East Texas. We covered this story better than the news outlets.
  • Bear Libations = Original and official alcoholic beverages of the BearMeat Editorial Board. So far, Bear Libations has produced three delicious cocktails.
  • The Bermuda Triangle of Central Texas = No place in the USA seems as cursed as Central Texas in general, Waco and Baylor in particular. In our chronicle of the tragedies and curses of our city and school, we even left out the Luby's massacre and Charles Whitman. Damn.
  • Bring Me the Head Of . . . (insert coach name) = This is a reference to the two coaches who have been fired by their schools after devastating losses to Scott Drew's teams. Both Quin Snyder and Melvin Watkins are such victims. Who will be next? For the full collection of heads, click here.
  • Busey = The perfect symbol of the Oklahoma A&M (now State) Cowpokes. Hence, BuseyMeat and BuseyCountry (our travels to Stillwater, OK).
  • Gentlemen Bears = Since BU Athletics is committed to identifying our women's teams by mascot gender, we thought it would only be right (considering current admissions trends) to identify the men's teams mascot by their gender as well.
  • GuyMo = Guy Morriss, football coach, rides a Harley. Is "tough" in contrast to Kevin Steele (his predecessor). Toughness here means the ability to win 1-3 conference games a year.
  • Hogwarts = The new Brooks College, which seems to draw its inspiration from Harry Potter. Its faux traditions and elitism are repulsive to a school founded on the Baptist principles of democracy and equality. In its attempt to make Baylor more attractive to high-achieving students from around the country, The B may just have sold its soul. First the "Honors College" and now a dorm with a "High Table" for honored guests? What's next, a campus aristocracy? This is all the product of certain Sloanite tendencies to rid The B of its "Texan" heritage and become a stuffy East Coast school. This has also been accomplished by the trebling of tuition over the last 10 years.
  • International Three-Point Carnival = Drew's international team, composed of Aussies, Finns, Senegalese, and Texans, which loves to shoot as many threes as possible, regardless of shot clock, shooting percentage or defensive match up. See also, Josh Lomers All-Stars.
  • Interns = Baylor undergraduates, 85% female, journalism and family & consumer science majors only, who work for $2.13/hr + tips. The interns clock in at the ALICO, but their work carries them around the world, assisting the BearMeat Editorial Board in our search for humor. Our internship program was recently approved as a federal work-study job, and since the average hours worked in a week is somewhere between 35 and 55, our interns can expect quite a form-letter of recommendation.
  • Leighton Radtke = The official mascot of the BearMeat Editorial Board. His Baylor pride is irrepressible, as witnessed in our posts featuring his shirtless exuberance. Try teaching a bus full of drunken gamblers to do the "Sic 'em Bears" hand gesture and see how well you do. Leighton Radtke is the embodiment of our ethos.
  • (Insert Mascot Name)Meat = The title of our blog comes from the first decade of Big12 play, in which our men's hoops and pigskin teams were "bear meat" for the opposition - we were feasted on. Now when we play other teams, BearMeat imagines our teams feasting on our opposition in a similar manner. Thus, HuskerMeat, as one example.
  • Mulk = Kim Mulkey, savior of BU Athletics, and fantasy date of BearMeat Editorial Board.
  • Obeseketball = The particular brand of basketball "played" by OU; it is based on the simple equation that Girth = Wins. See our White Whale post for a literary take on this concept.
  • Shorthorns = Aka, BevoMeat, are the Longhornies (usually coeds) of Austin. A school, which like the Roman Empire, has seen an epic rise and fall due to decadence and hubris.
  • Sironia = The literary and spiritual Waco. This is the realm which the BearMeat Editorial Board dwells in. Sironia is an idea of the city: both genteel and barbaric. Think: the shootout between William Cowper Brann and his assailant - an example of high society reverting to a street gun fight over the printed word. Sironia is a place of cultural conflict where high and low, faith and unbelief, righteousness and depravity, rich and poor, and white, black and brown all co-mingle. Sironia is the cosmic realm of Waco, writ large. See our post on Madison Cooper, Jr.'s novel, which devoted 1,700 pages to the subject.
  • Sloan = Robert Sloan, Jr., former president of Baylor, current mastermind behind the top tier aspirations of Houston Baptist Academy. Recent Giuliani stooge. Good riddance to his tuition hikes, Notre Dame worship, and disregard of Baptist freedom in favor of Evangelical conformity.
  • Tidwell Babel Building = Did you know that Tidwell suffers from arrested development? The Good Judge delved into the sad history of the lofty aspirations, fundraising crisis, and bitter realism of the construction of Tidwell. The Baylor Line corroborated this account, just to prove we're not making this up.
  • Trailer Mulk = Sherri Coale. Former coach of Norman High School, Darth Coale strikes us as the countrified version of the Brazos Queen. Decide for yourself.
  • TurdPolishers.com = A Baylor sports message board which holds the Guinness Book record for active members of the Optimist Society and the Pollyanna Fan Club. Never has the world witnessed a larger collection of positive thinkers. The expectations on this site are so low, they continually praise mediocre effort, poor performance, and incremental improvement. The board is presided over by an obscure electronics employee who has visions of imperial grandeur, and uses his power of censorship quite arbitrarily.
  • Wacofabulous = Term coined by the BearMeat Editorial Board to connote a person, trend, institution, custom, or idea, that is uniquely Waco and unabashedly proud of it. See our articulation of Wacofabulous in the context of the University High Prom.
  • Whiskey = It's our drink. What else can we say?
  • White Women = We are obsessed with Baylor's continued commitment to the racial purity of rich, Christian white women. Virtue. Chastity. Purity. Hypocrisy.

2 Comments:

  • This isn't a sports blog, it's an education on Waco!
    I hope to one day be a Bear fan, but for now I'm happy being a Bearmeat fan.
    Keep up the entertaining, irreverent copy.
    :)

    By Anonymous Wendy Gragg, at 9:06 AM  

  • Wendy!

    Thanks for commenting. We began as primarily Baylor sports blog, but when our interest or the season begins to wane, we turn to matters of town & gown.

    Thanks for joining the BearMeat Alliance. We'll have a permanent link to Wendy Does Waco in no time.

    Waco We Do,

    Red Andrews
    Senior Editor, BearMeat

    What a weekend - a journalist and an attorney join the Alliance. Things have never looked better for the BearMeat Editorial Board. We have friends!

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 9:22 AM  

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