Tuesday, June 19, 2007

BearBacker Voices: Swanburg's Poolside Chat

[We are proud to announce the second installment of BearBacker Voices, guest posts from BearMeat's nearest and dearest friends. The inaugural post, authored by none other than Associate Editor Brandon Dean Price, outlined BDP's dilemma over whether to choose graduate school at Baylor or UT. Sadly, BDP chose the ShortHorns over his alma mater. However, we continue to support him and his lifestyle choices, since he will always remain a Bear at heart.

Without further ado, we commence our much-anticipated BearBacker Voices Summer Lecture Series, which will feature the opinions, analysis and reflections of students, alumni, sportswriters, attorneys, professors, journalists, and writers. Today we bring you the work of the brilliant BearMeat Assistant Editor, Jonathan Swanburg, whose blog, From Malibu to Waco, chronicles the life and times of Baylor Law School's most eligible 2L (2nd year student), as he navigates the folkways and drinking customs of Baylorites and Wacoans alike. He has submitted a transcript of a field interview conducted while on assignment for the BearMeat Editorial Board. Enjoy! - Eds.]

In exchange for stringing together a few words regarding sports, coeds and/or life in Waco, I've been guaranteed as much nookie as free Jell-o shots at Scruff's can afford. That being the case, I went to the Bandera pool, interviewed a sophomore sunbather and transcribed the results.

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Swanburg: On a Previous Assignment With Jerry Rice

Me: Hi

Her: Do I know you?

Me: My name is Steve and I'm writing an article on Baylor sports for BearMeat.

Her: I don't play sports.

Me: That's okay.

(She seemed skeptical of BearMeat's legitimacy; I became skeptical of her ability to read. After taking a few moments to silently consider my choice of pseudonym the interview continued on.)

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The Interviewee: One of Swan's Homelier Conquests

Me: Are you aware that three of the eight players on the girls' tennis team are named Zuzana?

Her: No.

Me: Are you aware that 69 Bears earned Dean's list status during the 2006 - 2007 seasons?

Her: No.

Me: Can you name 3 players on any one Baylor sport team?

Her: No.

Me: Have you ever been to a football game?

Her: A couple times.

Me: Did we win?

Her: Probably not.

Me: Probably true. So besides waiting 9/10th's naked to get interviewed by attractive intellectuals like myself, what do you do for fun?

Her: Hang out with my boyfriend.

Me: Would your answer be any different if I told you I had access to an unlimited supply of Jell-o shots?

Her: No.

Obviously, my friends, that's where the interview and this post end. Representing BearMeat, maybe I should have used some bigger words or at least added a dash of humor. Maybe I should have asked better questions or at least not given the finger before getting up to leave. These are things I'll work on. In the mean time, I'll take small comfort in the fact this post represents BearMeat's first mention of women's tennis and go from there.

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  • Nice work, Swanburg. Next time try not mentioning BearMeat, and you might actually get somewhere. She was just probably reluctant to accidentally fall into a two year servitude as an Intern.

    Apparently the ladies have been posting flyers on the walls of the Family and Consumer Sciences building warning of the rigors of becoming a BearMeat Intern.

    By Blogger Pat Neffistopheles, at 11:55 PM  

  • Hear, hear. Well-played, Swan. We salute your labors on behalf of the BearMeats.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 4:26 AM  

  • "My name is Steve and I'm writing an article on Baylor sports for BearMeat."

    Damn you, Swanburg. You're ruining my pickup line.

    By Blogger Poseur, at 9:50 AM  

  • Poseur,

    Only editors/interns and employees of BadBear Liquor (for their generous "Dead Baylor Presidents" 8% liquor discount) can use that line. You owe us $0.17 for your intellectual property theft.


    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 12:38 PM  

  • Does your tennis coach get a discount on Czech Airlines or something?

    By Anonymous Andrew from Colonial Hoops, at 1:58 PM  

  • Andrew:

    Our tennis coach got some primo Czech nookie before the Euro was introduced into the Czech economy - between the fall of communism and the Euro regime. That experience convinced him that 3 Zuzanas would be the minimum amount he could field a squad with.

    Poor misguided soul. Thankfully, those Zuzannas are doing the work American's don't want to do: whoopin' up on Aggies in women's tennis. They deserve at least a Z visa for their efforts.


    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 3:30 PM  

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