Tuesday, June 26, 2007

BearBacker Voices: Poseur's Road-to-Damascus Conversion

[The BearBacker Voices Summer Lecture Series. When it is complete (whenever Rick Perry finally emails us his lecture) it will be the only project of its kind in the college sports blogosphere. Not to toot our own horn here, but the lineup is pretty badass. So far we've featured a grad student, law student, a law professor, a former university administrator, an esteemed writer, and the list goes on. Today we return to the Texas Ass & Mule School of Law (because the Ag alums outnumber the B alums) and feature the work of Stephen Baker, The Poseur, a student who attends the Agri-Law School on the Brazos, which boasts a higher rate of white-male attendance than any other law school in TX. Poseur, however, is cut from a different cloth. A whiskey-swilling mackerel-snapper, Poseur is an LSU fan, first and foremost, and even contributes to an in-depth LSU Tigers blog, Geaux Tuscaloosa (who has rejected our proposed Blog Alliance Agreement, given that the name "BearBacker" seems too homo-erotic for their style), which is worth a viewing or two. With that, we leave you with the fine work of Poseur. Enjoy! - Eds.]



Unfortunately, Osler and Swanburg set a high bar here, giving y’all the impression that Baylor Law students and professors are witty. I’m here to disabuse you of that notion. So thanks for the opportunity.

Given a chance to write about Baylor sports, I realized that I might actually have to WATCH a Baylor sporting event, something that I’ve had problems doing. And the last time I commented on Baylor sports (the softball team’s WCWS run over on my blog), I thought Baylor fans were going to kill me. Which was surprising given the fact I wasn’t aware Baylor had any fans. (Just
kidding. Please don’t kill me).

But I’m trying. I’m trying to adopt the Bears as a backup team to my undergrad alma mater LSU. I like the live bears. I like the unreasonable hatred of Texas A&M and the effort to start up a rivalry with the Aggies*. I like that I can get tickets five minutes before game time. I like the George’s tent. And I really like that any good thing is cause for celebration. When expectations are low, its impossible to be disappointed. Here are the things holding me back from being a Bear Backer:






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Zoloft: A BearBacker's Best Friend

Losing. Baylor stinks in the big sports: basketball and football. And I’m already an Orioles fan.
I don’t need any more depression in my life or else I might have to up my Zoloft prescription.



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How Do You Solve a Problem Like Temeka?


Conflict of interest. The sports Baylor is good at, so is LSU. I’m still bitter about the Women’s Final Four and Temeka Johnson dribbling the ball off her foot. Enjoy your freaking title, Baylor fans. And I’m not sure I have the energy to ignore two track teams.



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"Pipe Down, Son. Don't You Know We're Gonna Lose?"


Quiet. Someone yelled at me at the Texas A&M-Baylor football game to sit down and be quiet. It’s not like I was yelling profanity. I was simply cheering the Bears. And someone told me to be quiet. On the third and short. And we wonder why there is no homefield advantage at Floyd Casey. I’m morally opposed to being quiet during a football game. Yell, people.




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The Will Ferrell Center: The Baptist Golden Nipple


The Ferrell Center looks like a golden nipple. It freaks me out. Also, two of my worst experiences in Waco have been in that building: Kansas beating the ever-living snot out of Baylor’s basketball team and Law Day. Seriously, can you imagine anything that sounds like less fun than lawyers patting themselves on the back for three hours? I swear to God, they gave us
tickets which we redeemed when we left to prove we didn’t cut out early.




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The Scariest Mascot Ever



The cartoon bear logo. Wow, that thing sucks. I hear it has gone the way of the dodo, but it’s the kind of logo which screams “focus group”. While we’re on the subject, decide on a color scheme. Is it gold or yellow? I have Baylor T-shirts to buy.



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Il Papa: The Catholic Robert Sloan


Baptists. I’m Catholic, and I’m worried about excommunication as it is going to a Baptist school, considering the pope seems to be on an excommunicating roll recently. But if I start rooting for a Baptist team on top of my deep, unabiding hatred for Notre Dame? Why not just spit on the Virgin Mary and be done with it? I better do the Rosary just to be sure…


Screw it. I’m in. Let the losing begin. Someone pass me a Wild Turkey mixed with Dr. Pepper.

Sic ‘em Bears.

* Before you Aggies start with the “you’re not our rival” stuff, take a long look in the mirror and evaluate your relationship with the Longhorns of Texas. Then take a big hearty bite of shut the hell up.

Labels: ,

7 Comments:

  • Poseur:

    Welcome to Bear Country. We hope you enjoyed the complimentary case of Rebel Yell Bourbon. There is plenty more where that came from, thanks to an out-of-court settlement with Rebel Yell over the toxicity of their whiskey. (Ironically, we settled for a lifetime all-you-can drink offer. Now two interns are dead and the medical bills are eating up our operating account.)

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 7:11 PM  

  • Glad to be on board. The good news is that I already have a healthy stash of Aggie jokes.

    By Blogger Poseur, at 7:45 PM  

  • Great post Poseur. I particularly like the footnote. But now as a Texas Ex, I can admit that the long since forgotten UT-ATM "rivalry" may now reform into a real rivalry again seeing how maybe ATM is finally recovering to “decent” status...that or last year was a major anomaly. I am of the opinion that last year was an anomaly, but I will be willing to admit my fallacy if they can have a decent year this coming season. And I won’t conceded a decent season based on winning patsy games…i.e., Montana State, Fresno State, La-Monroe, a very down Miami (the “U”), or the Maroon (or White?) in their intrasquad scrimmage (seriously, they put a “W” in the win column for this game, but there is no corresponding “L”. Check it out http://www.aggieathletics.com/index.php?SID=MFB. WTF?) I’ll hold off on judgment until the last six games of their season.

    At least Texas had six years in a row where Texas beat ATM. This past year was the first time THIS DECADE that ATM beat UT. No wonder no one at UT thought of ATM as a rival. At least the B had beaten ATM this decade before the last season. So going into last season, the B was more justified in thinking of ATM as a rival in this decade than ATM as a rival to UT. And no matter how good ATM ever is, OU will always be UT’s #1 rival…sorry Aggies. UT leads OU 57-39-5 compared to UT leading ATM 73-35-5 [0.646 winning %]. Also note ATM leads B 64-30-9 [0.621]. So really, who is the closer rivalry?

    Also, let’s not forget that ATM has only had truly successful programs during the mid to late 1980’s to the early to mid 1990’s when they were marred by cheating.

    I just have to rub this in to all my Aggie friends.

    Let the flaming commence!

    By Anonymous Texas Alum, at 7:50 PM  

  • Texas Alum:

    Thanks for dropping those stats on the Aggie UT/A&M Rivalry myth. We think of them as rivals (a game in the 1930s had a fatality due to a fan fight), and don't mind them being brought down to our level at all. Great numbers and analysis.

    Mil Gracias.

    By Anonymous Intern, at 11:28 AM  

  • Actually, I'm totally cool with a Blog Alliance. Or at least, I'm willing to negotiate. I just won't be attending the meetings of the BearBackers because while I'm all liberal on gay rights, that doesn't mean I want to witness an act of copulation. But, you know, feel free to come on over and stay awhile, and I'll read your blog. I might not look at the pictures though. I'll even link to you guys.

    By Blogger Richard Pittman, at 11:50 AM  

  • Pitt:

    An Alliance it is. We'll send our lawyers from our Dirty South branch to your HQ to negotiate the details. We'll add a link to your site soon and then proceed with a more formal introduction to our readership.

    Re: what we do at the meetings, its called "Greco-Roman"-Style Wrestling and its an Olympic event. The fact that we do it in the nude, oiled down, to recreate the historical sport doesn't mean its gay sex.

    Granted, we have been picketed by the Family Research Council, and have a few pending court dates regarding sodomy statute violations, but the point remains.

    Red

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 12:07 PM  

  • I have also been stunned by the lack of enthusiasm at home games. I'm not sure many of the folks have every seen a victory in person.
    I exclusively scream obscenities during football games. The BearMeat editorial board forced a three generational family that choose to sit in front of us in the student section to relocate because we kept repeatedly yelled, "Knock their dicks in the dirt during the TCU game."*


    *This was the cleanest colorful language of the day.

    By Blogger Judge Baylor, at 12:08 AM  

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