Saturday, May 12, 2007

Around the Quad: America's Mayor Has His Own 2012 Vision

Greetings, dear readers. It has been a while since we've brought you news from the Greater Waco Area and from the Green and Gold Nation, so let's dust off this segment and broadcast the latest happenings from the Burleson Quadrangle.

1. Robert Sloan: Pro-Choice Crusader? Yesterday at Houston Baptist Academy, er, University, President Robert Sloan (formerly of The B) introduced Rudy Giuliani, who then gave remarks to the uber-conservative school which included a defense of a woman's right to choose, gay civil unions and limited gun control. This NY Times article covers the talk well, except for its belittling description of Sloan's new employer as Houston Baptist College. Wow! Sloan would have never permitted such a speech at Baylor. (We remember his veiled threat to the Lariat Editorial Board regarding their endorsement of gay marriage.) Perhaps his 2012 Vision for HBU includes Celebrating Diversity, Promoting Alternative Lifestyles, and Rejecting Literal Biblical Teachings. We sure hope so! Maybe when Sloan 2.0 has completed his Schwartzenegger-esque left-ward turn, he can return to Baylor to fashion us into a Berkeley-on-the-Brazos. Onward through the fog!



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Rudy: "We must stay on offense against terror."

Sloan: "Yes, and we must stay on offense against Evangelical political engagement."

2. Out with the old, in with the new. Baylor's regents voted Jim Turner out as chair and Harold Cunningham in after only a one-year term for Turner. Beware, Baylor Alumni Association, your days are numbered. The Sloanites have designs to turn your organization into a missionary society intent on re-Christianizing Austin, Texas.

3. Farewell, Queen of the ALICO. Helen Quiram, who has worked at the ALICO for 54 years, having seen the tornado from the 8th floor of the building when it hit downtown, is retiring. She has worked there ever since she graduated from high school. God bless. We at the BearMeat Editorial Board will miss her greatly. She always found us the best libations, escorts and carriage rides that could be requisitioned in a pinch. You will be missed, dear Helen.

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6 Comments:

  • Please remove the quote, since I didn't say it. Also, please remove the picture, since it is copyrighted and I did not give permission to have it reproduced.

    Thank you for your consideration.

    Sincerely,
    Francis J. Beckwith

    By Blogger Francis J. Beckwith, at 3:32 PM  

  • Stick it to the man, Yea!

    By Anonymous Brandon Dean Price, at 3:59 PM  

  • Francis, stick around and you'll find NOBODY gets quoted correctly. These guys only audited Journalism 101.

    By Anonymous Loomisboy, Homeless Son of Sam Brooks, at 6:02 PM  

  • Dr. Beckwith:

    Thanks for stopping by! We are honored with your presence. We will remove the photo, per your request, but the quote stays, as this is a satirical site, you are a public figure, and we reserve the right to attribute false quotes to public figures. No reader familiar with our site would ever believe our quotes are legitimately true with out a corresponding link and attribution of the quote.

    Keep policing the internet for satirical content, good sir. Your careful defense of your reputation bespeaks a man deeply sensitive to public perception.

    Good day,

    Red Andrews
    Senior Editor, Beckwith Department

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 9:09 AM  

  • "Francis Beckwith is the smartest and most accomplished professor in the history of Baylor. Because he is so good-looking, we had to remove his picture so as not to lead our female viewers into impure thoughts."

    --Red Andrews, Senior Editor, Beckwith School (recently elevated from department to school)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:34 PM  

  • Hah! Thanks anon 9:34 - you took the words right out of my mouth. Seriously though, if Beckwith ever summoned up the courage to set foot in our Editorial Offices, he would be introduced to a world of carnal delights that he never knew existed so far from Ancient Babylon. A handsome man like that would cause many an intern to compromise their virtue.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 2:45 PM  

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