Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Around the Quad: Warrants Issued

Dear Readers,

We at the BearMeat Editorial Board love you so dearly. Whether you have bookmarked us, found us on your University of Houston message board, or just searched "kim mulkey divorce" in Google, we are happy that you are here and reading our humble blog. Part of our duties here are to report bizarre happenings and provide news analysis for our conscientious readers. So if you aren't too hungover from last night's Tennessee win over Rutgers, or aren't busy snorting your father's ashes, then we hope you enjoy the news from Around the Quad.

Sincerely,

Red Andrews
Senior Editor, BearMeat


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Billy Jo: "No murder rap is gonna stop my album release tour"

1. Say it ain't so, Billy Jo! Billy Jo Shaver was arrested and jailed, then released on bond, for the non-fatal shooting of a fellow patron at Papa Jo's bar in Lorena. The patron he shot was wounded in the cheek and was carrying a bogus BearMeat "This card entitles the bearer to 3 free drinks" gift certificate. Sadly, the victim was a disgruntled intern from our embattled Brazos Living department. After his arrest, Shaver played an album release/jail release show at Waterloo Records in Austin. What a badass. Thanks to WacoTrib.com and News 6.





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Mills: "I promise I'll pay BearMeat back all the money it donated for the downtown Whiskey District I promised them."


2. Maragaret Mills Still Owes Us Money
. Former director of Downtown Waco Maragaret Mills was arrested and charged with embezzlement of hundreds of thousands of dollars. We applaud the great job she's done with the revitalization of downtown Waco and hope that the criminal justice system resolves this controversy in a fair and just manner.




3. Baylor Baseball Team Has Awesome Names. Finally venturing out to the Baylor Ballpark last night to watch the Bears decimate old SWC foes the Houston Cougars, I noticed that the Baylor baseball team has the greatest names I've ever seen. They barely need nicknames. Here is the roster. Beamer Weems? Ben Booker? Shaver Hansen? Gregg Glime? Chase Gerdes? Seth "Banana" Hammock? Who cares if we win or lose this year, I just want to hear the PA guy announce, "Now batting for your Bears, Seth "The Banana" Hammock (cue Harry Belafonte's "Day-O" at the part where he says "Come mister tally man, tally me banana"). Gold.

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3 Comments:

  • So when's Mrs. Kokernot's first story coming up? I had such high hopes...

    By Anonymous Brandon Dean Price, at 9:27 AM  

  • I think she had an unfortunate fall.

    By Blogger Judge Baylor, at 11:55 AM  

  • "Had an unfortunate fall"!?! Is that what you call binding, gagging and tickling me, then leaving me in a janitor's closet on the 13th Floor of the ALICO, 'Good' Judge?

    Mr. Price,

    My absence is due to the fright that my independent committee's report on the financial viability of BearMeat caused for the BearMeat Editorial Board. The day before my report was to go public at a press conference in front of the ALICO, Red and Pat abducted me and put me in the back of the BearMeatWagon (a Ford Pinto painted green and gold) and drove me to Lover's Leap in Cameron Park, where they threatened to throw me over if I didn't hush up. When I refused, they proceeded to stash me away in one of the many dark recesses of the ALICO, feeing me only Rebel Yell whiskey and tofu ice-cream sammiches.

    Well, thanks to disgruntled Samoan intern Donna Seau, I escaped and plan on joining the fray in a few days time. I was going to time my comeback as soon as Gov Pat unveils his BuseyMeat, but sources close to the Gov say that he has been incapacitated in a funk of paint thinner and nihilism.

    Thanks for your concern and, watch your back, BearMeat, for hell hath no fury like a Kokernot scorned.

    Cordially,

    Mrs. Kokernot

    By Blogger Mrs. Kokernot, at 1:26 PM  

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