Tuesday, March 27, 2007

BuseyCountry: Drunk, Horny & Broke in Stillwater

[This past weekend the BearMeat Editorial Board sojourned deep into the heart of Oklahoma as we embarked on the inauguaral BearMeat Big12 Campus Tour (to be completed when Drew rebuilds the men's team, or six years from now, whichever comes first). How we ended up there and what we did there are points of contention among the Editorial Board. What we do agree on is that we spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday in Stillwater, Oklahoma, aka BuseyCountry Each member of the BearMeat Editorial Board has agreed to give their account of the weekend's events. What follows is Red Andrews's account.]


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Suttonz: The Pride & The Shame of Stillwater, OK

Friday, March 23, 2007

Pat, the Judge and I took the Greyhound to Stillwater to save on our hard-earned cash. Money has been tight around BearMeat ever since our interns found the crystal meth we had locked up in a U-Haul storage unit and sold it to Jerry Hill for a tidy profit. Since then, we've been living paw-to-mouth, as they say. Regardless, we stepped off the greyhound, after a 20-hour, whiskey-addled voyage punctuated by many conversations about national socialism and the designated hitter rule. Upon arrival, we were informed that Oklahoma A&M (now Okie State) was on Spring Break and that only the burnt-out townies and debauched scholarship students were in town. Gov Pat immediately attempted to impregnate every LadyPoke he could find, but to no avail: they demanded at least ten (10) units of their beloved 3.2% alc/vol Okie Beer, especially Choc & Boulevard (from KC) before considering sleeping with a ghost from Texas. Long story short, we ended up spending that night sleeping on the roof of Eskimo Joe's, accompanied by three geology major's from Pakistan. While they seemed nice enough, they kept referring to Boone Pickens as Slim Pickens and complained about how LadyPokes weren't accustomed to dating men of their intelligence. While the entire evening was spent squandering our currency at Confederate themed Stonewall, we were appalled to learn that they didn't take genuine C.S.A. legal tender, and would only take Union money. The shame!


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BooneTangin': When Money Will Buy You Anything (from the BearMeat Glossary)


Saturday, March 24, 2007


We awoke on top of Eskimo Joe's horny and needing a quick fix. Our tour guide, a young Amer-Indian undergraduate named John Jablonski, directed us toward the Atherton to find some engineers in town for a conference on lifetime learning. We found a few female engineers in their late 40s and well above the median weight for Texas women. They resembled Courtney Paris, but without the charm. Needless to say, we spent the day attempting to meet their every carnal desire. This, of course, took the rest of our funds and left us exhausted, broke and crying on Washington Street. Thankfully, J.R. Murphy's was having an "White Men Drink Free" beer promotion, so we strolled right in and had about 8 jello shots each. This began at around 4pm. At 4:15pm we decided it was time to go. We strolled outside and marched our way to Boone Pickens Stadium, where Governor Pat promptly took a dump on the field after remarking that it resembled an Arena Football League field, what with the stands so close to the field and all. The two horny Pokes in the gift shop helped satisfy our carnal urges by supplying us with a few hot dogs and a Hot Carl. They sent us on our way, back to Murphy's where we ended up the evening teaching the locals how to make the "Sic 'em" sign and cursing Sean Sutton until our voices went hoarse. Speaking of horses, the Good Judge stole one from a rancher near-by and defiled it. That's all I will say about that.


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Yale Grad and Local Boy Dubya Also Bleeds Orange


Sunday, March 25, 2007


We awoke in the Payne County jail, having violated a majority of the state's penal code, especially the parts that involve alcohol and sexuality. Thankfully, BearMeat's legal counsel, Vic Feazell, was also in Oklahoma, and "bailed us out" using some light explosives and a hell of a lot of Waco charm. We got a ride with Vic as far as OKC, where he dropped us off downtown and told us that we would soon see a rather staggeringly high legal invoice. We laughed and took a cab back to Waco using Vic's credit card. All in all, it was a great weekend, but we learned a few lessons that we wish we could remember, but the jello shots have erased those lessons from our brain.


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We Drank Pistol Pete Paralyzed

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3 Comments:

  • I took the trip up to stillwater last fall, thought it was a great campus. They rented out dorm rooms for $20/night. what a deal.

    gotta agree with you about the field, Goodson was knocked out of bounds during the game, and was actually stuck underneath the wall pads for a minute or two.

    Favorite part of the trip: the free cups from Joe's that change color when you put cold beverage in them.

    By Anonymous Brad, at 1:30 AM  

  • Actually, we were quite taken in by the charms of Stillwater. People were friendly and unpretentious - the beer was hella cheap, the food was good, and the campus was beautiful.

    B,

    We're thinking of a College Station trip in the next month, we may look you up for a drink at Dixie Chicken. Plus, we'll need someone to protect us. We were thinking of wearing overalls, boots and maroon t-shirts. Will we blend in?

    Red

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 7:13 AM  

  • I still say we set up a BearMeat field office in Stillwater. I haven't had a better time since this past year's prom at Midway!

    By Blogger Pat Neffistopheles, at 8:19 AM  

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