Monday, March 19, 2007

BevoMeat: The Fall of Rome

[We of the BearMeat Editorial Board know our history. When we see a historical analogy ready to be made, we cannot resist. We drop everything: LadyBears coverage, intern firings for political favors, and stirring the pot over at TurdPolishers.com. We promise full coverage of the LadyBears Tuesday game against giant-killer LadyWolfpack on their homecourt. If you need more tourney coverage, we suggest you marvel at the Good Judge's bracket, which took a hit yesterday, yet continues to amaze. But for now, bear with us as we explore the power relationship between two of our ancient rivals. - Eds.]

The Fall of Rome, Or How Barbarians Sacked the Imperial City

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Rome Falls: Gabriel Must Have Blown His Horn

The Empire at Its Peak

There once was a powerful empire which dominated all armies it would confront in battle. All who opposed this civilized hegemon would surely perish or risk living in captivity. No, we are not talking about Ancient Rome, but the University of Texas athletic program ca. 2005. The University of Texas Tower, the symbol of the imperial greatness of the Cow-Worshippers, was the rallying cry of the largest and most ruthless power in Texas. Under the masterful direction of DeLoss Dodds, the Shorthorns had nearly conquered all lands and peoples in the known world. Driven by world-class talent, superior coaching, inexhaustible resources, and a fanbase of millions, the Texas Empire extended from El Paso to Orange and from Amarillo to Harlingen. Within a two year-period, the Horns delivered a 2003 Final Four Appearance in men's basketball, a fabled 2005 College World Series championship in baseball (devastating a small religious community in the process), and most significantly, the 2006 Rose Bowl victory over the godless Southern Californians.

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"Bow Before The Glory of Rome"

Yes, this empire was quite something to marvel at: its athletic dominance was unmatched in collegiate sports and it thought nothing of its traditional rivals, treating them like conquered provincial barbarians. Yet within one year of the zenith of their power, glory and dominance, the Cow-Worshipers would suffer humiliating defeats at the hands of barbarians from the hinterlands, whom they had long overlooked as just another subjugated race.

The Empire in Decline

The troubles began for the empire when the best and brightest warriors left their ranks for professional combat among men. The Marc Antony of Texas, VY himself, chose the Elysian Fields of Tennessee over the sacred banks of the Colorado River, where he went on to achieve demigod status. The Elite Eight squad of Rick Barnes all left for greener pastures, save young Abrams, abandoning the coach for gold, glory and professional groupies over classes, dorms, and Longhornies. So how would General Mack Brown and General Rick Barnes cope with the loss of their greatest warriors ever to lace up for the Burnt Orange? The decision was made to turn to child-soldiers.

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McCoy: "Though I am young, I will serve with honor."

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Durant: "I am Apollo reborn."

The great child-soldier experiment seemed to work well for a time. McCoy put up record numbers for a freshman and was the subject of Heisman rumors. His arm was a golden gift of Zeus himself. Durant was setting records and decimating opponents. Both freshman were the faces of a UT recruiting system which harvests the best and brightest, no matter how obscure (2A Texas football) or distant (Massachussets prep school). These child-soldiers garnered more media attention than any previous freshman to play for the Empire. Yet, when great responsibility is entrusted to children, the results are always tragic.

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"Surely, no harm will result from this play."

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"Playing in college seems to be jeapordizing my earning potential. I will now moderate my dominance over opponents."

The Fall of Rome

Just as T.S. Eliot predicted, the end came not with a bang, but with a whimper. The vulnerability of mighty Texas, who now ran plays through untested child-warriors, was evident for all to see. Not 200 miles away, an agrarian people, sworn enemies of Texas, were waiting for just this moment. The Agriculturalists were always willing to add insult to injury. Their hatred of the Empire was palpable and their coaches were ready for redemption (Fran) and ascendance (Gillispie) and knew that nothing short of victory would satisfy their hordes of animal husbandry fanatics. So it began with The Rule of Law.

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The Barbarians Strike the Empire.

With that tactical strike, the Empire began to lose its control over its own homeland: the Mighty State of Texas. The following year, the barbarians struck again, toppling the Empire in their own Coliseum. The weeping and gnashing of teeth was widespread in the imperial city. BurntOrange was deemed a color of bondage and defeat, while maroon saw a new currency among the masses. The child-soldiers suffered greatly at the hands of the formerly subjugated barbarians. The symbols of the empire were used as symbols of defecation, weakness and sordid living.

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The Barbarians Had An Odd Sense of Humor.

Yet the true story of the Fall of Rome was not just the humiliation of the great civilization, but the rise of a new era. Last evening's loss to the Southern Californians, led by struggling child-warriors, was eclipsed by the Sweet Sixteen victory of Gillispie's Hordes. A new day has dawned in the Mighty State. The Empire has fallen. The Barbarians now rule. Guard your women and children, for they only respect strength and brutality. We have descended into the Dark Ages.

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We Bid Adieu to Civilization

[Epilogue. Just as in the history of Europe the barbarian hordes from northern Europe sacked and ended the Pax Romana, so too did the Christian Church create the Holy Roman Empire by Christianizing the great unwashed hordes. To take this analogy to its next logical step, we ask our readers to indulge us just this once. The B, in all its Godly Glory, will necessarily be the next athletic power in this Mighty State. With our fierce generals GuyMo and Scott Drew at the helm, look for a slow, but eventual takeover of men's basketball and football. Within the next 10 to 20 years Baylor will regain its former glory in football (SWC Champs) and basketball (Final Four). Pope Mulkey the First will lead the Baylor Crusade.]

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11 Comments:

  • Well done- very creative. Oh, and long live the "dark ages"! :)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:44 PM  

  • Thank you, anonymous reader. With all of our AggiePhobia, we thought it only proper to give credit where it is due, and finally take the gloves off with t.u.

    Saw 'em off, indeed!

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 2:49 PM  

  • hilarious. that is all.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:57 PM  

  • Just some plain fantastic writing.

    By Blogger JudgeChamber, at 7:30 PM  

  • Truly funny. I've always thought of us as the barbarians..... respecting only strength and brutality, and we do have a weird sense of humor. I don't know if the evil empire's days are completely over as their child soldiers are very talented, but they're soft. At the very least, their days are numbered.

    BTHOt.u.

    By Anonymous 18A, at 9:28 PM  

  • This is just too funny. And you need to be an educated person to understand it. Very clever.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:04 PM  

  • I always respected how the Romans would give its conquered foes citizenship rights and aqueducts. The only thing we will get from a conquering Agric nation will be large vegetables and more Gomer Pyle reruns. It will be exactly like Caligula leadership, only with less wisdom and more arbitrary violence.

    By Blogger Judge Baylor, at 10:21 PM  

  • Good Judge,

    I'd like to nominate your last comment for some sort of BearMeat meatiest comment award. I'm laughing out loud, or LOL as the Governor would say.

    Red

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 10:52 PM  

  • So then if you guys are the next great power, being the "Holy Roman Empire", does that mean you're going to come to SandAggies doorstep to claim their lands only to be turned away by an aerial assult of footballs and volleys of thrown chairs?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:52 PM  

  • Only if aggieland can ever match the accomplishments of burnt orange sports will any others, besides the marooners, even bother listening or reading fiction such as this. Gag'em!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:08 PM  

  • Judge,

    I am not sure where Caligula stood on nut grabbing and dog worshipping, but it's unlikely he could hang.

    Plus, did Rome have 2 percenters?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:02 AM  

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