Monday, March 05, 2007

BearBacker Voices: BDP's Dilemma

[This is the first ever guest column for BearMeat. Associate Editor Brandon Dean Price, formerly of Yay!SportsNCAA fame (now defunct), has written this piece on his I-35 moral quandary for publication by BearMeat. He composed this piece in two places: sitting on top of the ALICO Building and attending a Trans-gender Pride Parade on Sixth Street in Austin, Texas. The views of the author do not necessarily reflect those of the BearMeat Editorial Board, though, to be quite honest, they are very close. So with that, we present BearBacker Voices: BDP's Dilemma. - Eds.]

Dear Bearmeat Editors,

I write to you today with a heavy heart. It seems that I may have accidentally applied to two graduate schools, both located on I-35, both Big 12 participants and only one is our beloved B. You might have guessed it, I am considering switching my loyalty to the shorthorns of Austin. While I am eternally grateful for being accepted by either graduate school, I am having a difficult time making my final cut. Most students would select their schools by looking at criteria such as academic standing, campus environment, or which school Matthew McCaugnohey prefers to spend his free time. Balderdash I say to you. I now present my criteria by which I will choose to spend another two years sans pants: sports, former presidents, and the availability of future miss BDP's.

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BongoMan: Encroaching on BDP's Future Brides


I never understood why anyone would go to a school that doesn't have a Division I athletics program. Why not just enroll in some online school and walk around with no pants all day? What else brings together millions (or in the B's case hundreds) of fans together to mutually enjoy a contest of youths who don't go to the academically challenging classes that you have to go to? Oh? You think Shawn Bell took Fundamentals of Combinatorics and Algebra? Yes and I'm sure his thesis cleared up that silly Riemann's hypothesis problem.


I loved Baylor basketball during my first year at the B (2002-2003). We had super-upside-potential players: John Lucas (v 3.0) - soon to be national star at Gary Busey State; Lawrence Roberts - a strong post player who screwed up his chances in the NBA by not declaring his Junior year, somehow his knees aged faster than Allan Houston's; This big dope named RT Guinn, who played just like Diene, except he shot three pointers at an alarming rate; and Matt Sayman - This guy that always seemed to do just enough things right to not get glued to the bench his entire career - somehow becoming the career leader in games played or some other meaningless "participation" award like that, (Side note: I dominated this guy in a pick-up game that I probably took a bit too seriously.... twice).

This team was young, played tough against more veteran teams, and they got their asses kicked a fair amount of times. All of this was OK, because as Baylor faithful, we are looking towards the future with eager eyes, thinking Bliss might be able to save this sinking ship.

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We all needed a cry after the Summer of '03.

Of course with all things Baylor, there was a quick and painful end to our dreams of an NCAA (or maybe even NIT!) birth. And lo, the Great Scandal of 2003 sponsored by Dave Bliss descended upon Waco, and it was not good. What has transpired the last four years is difficult for me to transcribe, but I will say that watching the Three-Point Carnival pains my heart. The Baylor men's basketball team is the epitome of Baylor sports: promoting a future that never seems to materialize. And they seem to be declining somehow. I guess playing Delaware State eight times in non-conference play didn't give our team enough confidence to beat anyone else.

Oh yea, and *#&$ Tim Bush.

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Bush: BDP Ain't Got No Love For Ya

On the other hand, I have always enjoyed UT's basketball program. During my freshman year I watched TJ Ford literally jump over our entire frontline for a put-back dunk. Off the top of my head I can remember some of UT's best players that last 4 years: Ford, Buckman, Buckman's doppelganger, PJ Tucker, Kenny Taylor (Courtesy of Dave Bliss), Royal Ivey, and this year's squad led by DJ Augustin and Kevin Durant. They always have a competitive squad and Rick Barnes seems to get away with paying his players without drawing as much attention as the B. Mark that down as an intangible.

POINT: Shorthorns.

Wait a second, "What about the Lady Bears?" you might innocently ask. I enjoyed watching the Lady Bears win a NATIONAL championship a couple years ago. But when I watch them, I know my intramural squad could have blown them out of the water. And we never even won any of the tournaments we played in. I just can't really include them in this debate. And I beat Emily Niemann 1 on 1 by the score of 15-3. But who knows, maybe she was fighting with her girlfriend at the time.

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Emily: Gone, But Not Forgotten


Yes, Texas won the title in 2005. They routinely win 10 games a year and make me extraordinarily happy when they trounce the Agrican'ts every year. But their situation is vastly different than the Bears. Texas has a legacy, both long-range and immediate. They can recruit players all over the country. Baylor's recruiting is so haphazardly done that our best recruit two years ago didn't play because he couldn't get his transcripts in order. Texas has ridiculous advantages in talent, facilities, coaching, fanbase and Matthew McCaugnoheys.

The golden Bears are admirable in their own way. Rarely a week goes by when they cannot play the underdog-no-one-believes-in-us card. Half of the fans at the why the hell is this two miles away from campus stadium are on their cell phones trying to get a hair appointment before the frat formal. Floyd Casey is a lonely place at times, somehow simultaneously emanating the feelings of desperation and apathy.

But, when those Bears summon the spirit of our great and glorious leader Robert J. Sloan, all of our scars are healed and past pain eleviated. On three separate occasions from 2002-2004, the goal posts were ripped apart by a rabid Bear crows, (Seriously... THREE TIMES?!?). When Pat Neff tower is lit up green after a win, the most loyal of fans all gather around to bask in its glory. Or to make out, whichever.

To put it another way, I own the Miracle on the Brazos (2004 edition) DVD. That night was one of the greatest of my life. The Agrican'ts still have nightmares about the Bears going for two, (FOR TWO?!?!?)

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"You Beat A&M, and I'll Run the Budget Into the Red."

Point: Baylor


Former Presidents

Knowing the President of the University I choose is important to me. Thanks to the Bearmeat Editorial Board, I now know the names of four former Baylor Presidents. President Sloan has always been my favorite. During the middle of his impeachment hearings he actually agreed to let me sit down in his office once so that I could discuss moving the stadium to replace the Fountain Mall, where there happens to be a fountain missing.

I also have had a run in with our current President "Crypt-keeper" Lilley. I nearly declined walking across the stage when I discovered Lilley was our designated diploma handler. However, when my name was called and he shook my hand he said "Brandon Dean Price, that's quite a name". Sadly, all the witnesses to the event have mysteriously gone missing. I will put one of the interns on the situation immediately.

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"I Feel A Nap Comin' On."

And of course I don't know any of the former Presidents of UT. Although I have heard Sloan was looking for a job with a better pension.

POINT: Fightin' Bears!

Procreation search

Of course I can't leave this world without finding someone suitable to advance the Big 12's lineage, so hopefully within the next 100 years I will be able to introduce another human being to the world of student loans and Long John Silver's induced comas.

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Baylor's Perpetual Endowment: White Women

If my college edumacation serves correctly, I know that there are approximately 50,000 students at UT and 14,000 students at our beloved B. I know that the male Bear to female Bear is around 3:2, meaning there are 8,400 females left at the B who are ready to pump out about 35 little Golden Bears.

However... unless the male to female ratio at t.u is 17 bulls to 1 heifer, there are far more females in the Great State's capital.

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SkankHorns: BDP Wife Material?

POINT: UT (Ladies, look me up!)

Sadly, until I find one more category to differentiate between these two fine schools, I am at a stalemate and will be forced to remain steadfast in my search. I know the millions hundreds of Bearmeat fans will help me in my decision, as well as the countless interns that try to escape the Good Judge's bear pit.

Sic' Em?
Hook Em?

Brandon Dean Price

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  • BDP:

    We won't hate you if you choose UT, but things will be very awkward around the ALICO if you do. Just thought I'd put that out there.


    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 12:17 PM  

  • Ole Red,

    I should note that I omitted one crucial section: Not being located in College Station.

    10 Points Baylor.
    10 Points Shorthorns.

    Drat, tied again...

    By Anonymous Brandon Dean Price, at 12:52 PM  

  • This intramural team you speak of certainly did not have any of the gentleman bears on it, because I can assure you that any team composed of those players would lose. That intramural team’s execution would most closely resemble recess and nap time for the special ed kids. Bless their hearts.

    By Blogger Judge Baylor, at 11:46 PM  

  • First of all Mr. BDP, I feel that the amount of free time you have is far too much. Secondly, neither of these schools matches one of your set criteria: possible wife. In this case ASU is definitely the correct chose! I'll let you think about this one!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:11 AM  

  • BDP,

    Austin > Darfur > Waco

    hope that helps,
    The 12th Manchild

    By Blogger Brad, at 4:34 AM  

  • Damn you, 12thChild. There will be no profaning of WacoTX on this here blog. We don't talk shit about College Station as a one mule town. Oh wait, sorry . . .

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 7:16 AM  

  • Of course, BDP, you forgot to mention that you might want to exclude all women in your search that don't shave their legs or pitters in protest of... well just about anything. That eliminates half or more of those ladies from THE university. POINT THEE UNIVERSITY. Sic 'em.

    By Anonymous An Alum of the B, at 9:11 AM  

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