Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Around the Quad: The Virginia DuPuy Monologues

As the Baylor faithful prepare for tonight's feast on Jayhawk Meat by Mulk, BMo, Tizzy & Co., BearMeat is proud to bring you some insights from around the quad for a little water-cooler discussion fodder. If your Aggie cubicle mate starts razzing you about how Billy Gillispie could beat up Scott Drew, we suggest that you search the BearMeat Archives for ample material on the well-documented history of bestiality, incest, and fascism at Texas Ass & Mule. And with that, we present the news from Around the Quad:

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This will be Scott Drew's Mantle When We Have Fully Rebuilt From the Bliss Era, 30 Years From Now

1. The Virgina DuPuy Monologues. Apparently, Waco is now a hotbed for post-male, third wave feminism, as the Vagina Monologues are coming to the Hippodrome. We personally blame feminazi Mayor of Waco Virginia DuPuy (no, not that Virginia DuPuy) for her radical pro-womyn agenda and the political castration that is going down at City Hall. If the chaste Christian beauties that populate Baylor attend this function, we are likely to see more perverse bacchanalian behavior in one week than the People's Republic of Austin sees in one year. While the loose and liberated ways of Waco women is established fact, the Baylor Bubble is one of the last safe houses for sheltered and pure white girls in the USA. We cannot let this slut-ization of our women occur. BearMeat calls on all able bodied patriarchs to march down to the historic Hippodrome and "just say no" to vaginas and Virginia.

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Virginia's Monologue: "I am actively subverting Waco's patriarchy and there's nothing you can do about it."

2. New BearBacker and Official Frat of BearMeat Alpha Phi Alpha. It was a difficult selection process, but we are pleased to announce that Alpha Phi Alpha, Tau Alpha Chapter, is now the official fraternity of BearMeat. We hope to sponsor many events and share phone numbers of potential Miss Black & Gold contestants as possible. Keep your heads up, Alphas!

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The Good Judge, far left, hangin' with some Ivy League Alphas

3. BearMeat Glossary. Many first-time readers have complained about the indecipherable inside jokes, nicknames, and themes contained in our daily writings here at BearMeat. So we present a glossary of BearMeat Terms for your future reading.

  • 30 Minutes of Hell = This is Scott Drew's unique style of hoops that makes the first 3/4 of every game very competitive, then begins to pull back the reins just as the opposing team surges ahead. He decided to take Nolan Richardson and Mike Anderson's 40 Minutes of Hell and make it more cost-effective.
  • Agric(ulturalists) = The worst type of rural vermin. Like a pestilence on the body politic, these half-wits roam the state with impunity and control the highest offices of our government. We must stop them now before all our children are saying things like "BTHOTU" "teasippers" "t.u." "howdy" and "gig 'em." BearMeat is dedicated to their extinction.
  • AirBear = More commonly known as "BearRaid." The run and gun offensive system brought to Baylor by Lee "Desperado" Hays. Just as it started to work last season, its commander and dark horse Heisman hopeful, Shawn Bell, went down with an injury.
  • ALICO Building = Actual historic skyscraper located in downtown Waco. Was tallest building built west of the Mississippi in 1911. Symbol of Waco's prominence and prosperity in the early 1900s. Now symbol of decline and lowered expectations. BearMeat rents/squats on abandoned 13th Floor, where the editorial offices are located.
  • "The B" = Baylor. BU is lame and played out. Plus there are like 5 other "BU"s in college sports. Just as Miami is the only "U", so we are the only "B".
  • Bring Me the Head Of . . . (insert coach name) = This is a reference to the two coaches who have been fired by their schools after devastating losses to Scott Drew's teams. Both Quin Snyder and Melvin Watkins are such victims. Who will be next? For the full collection of heads, click here.
  • Gentlemen Bears = Since BU Athletics is committed to identifying our women's teams by mascot gender, we thought it would only be right (considering current admissions trends) to identify the men's teams mascot by their gender as well.
  • GuyMo = Guy Morriss, football coach, rides a Harley. Is "tough" in contrast to Kevin Steele (his predecessor). Toughness here means the ability to win 1-3 conference games a year.
  • International Three-Point Carnival = Drew's international team, composed of Aussies, Finns, Senegalese, and Texans, which loves to shoot as many threes as possible, regardless of shot clock, shooting percentage or defensive matchup. See also, Josh Lomers All-Stars.
  • Interns = Baylor undergraduates, 85% female, journalism and family & consumer science majors only, who work for $2.13/hr + tips. The interns clock in at the ALICO, but their work carries them around the world, assisting the BearMeat Editorial Board in our search for humor. Our internship program was recently approved as a federal work-study job, and since the average hours worked in a week is somewhere between 35 and 55, our interns can expect quite a form-letter of recommendation.
  • (Insert Mascot Name)Meat = The title of our blog comes from the first decade of Big12 play, in which our men's hoops and pigskin teams were "bearmeat" for the opposition - we were feasted on. Now when we play other teams, BearMeat imagines our teams feasting on our opposition in a similar manner. Thus, HuskerMeat, as one example.
  • Mulk = Kim Mulkey, savior of BU Athletics, and fantasy date of BearMeat Editorial Board.
  • Obeseketball = The particular brand of basketball "played" by OU; it is based on the simple equation that Girth = Wins. See our White Whale post for a literary take on this concept.
  • Tidwell Babel Building = Did you know that Tidwell suffers from arrested development? The Good Judge delved into the sad history of the lofty aspirations, fundraising crisis, and bitter realism of the construction of Tidwell. The Baylor Line corroborated this account, just to prove we're not making this up.
  • Trailer Mulk = Sherri Coale. Former coach of Norman High School, Darth Coale strikes us as the countrified version of the Brazos Queen. Decide for yourself.
  • = A Baylor sports message board which holds the Guiness Book record for active members of the Optimist Society and the Pollyanna Fan Club. Never has the world witnessed a larger collection of positive thinkers. The expectations on this site are so low, they continually praise mediocre effort, poor performance, and incremental improvement. The board is presided over by an obscure electronics employee who has visions of imperial grandeur, and uses his power of censorship quite arbitrarily.
  • Whiskey = It's our drink. What else can we say?
  • White Women = We are obsessed with Baylor's continued commitment to the racial purity of rich, Christian white women. Virtue. Chastity. Purity. Hypocrisy.

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  • "Many first time readers"

    Many?? I can only hope these are young female bears looking to persuade me to come crawling back.

    Why haven't the interns been forwarding me this crucial material?

    By Anonymous Brandon Dean Price, at 5:28 PM  

  • "Many first time readers" refers to the Kokernot girls who stumbled upon this blog while hanging out online on Indigo Girls message boards. The advertising is really cheap there, so we thought, "what the hell?" The intern tasked with informing you of this was severely injured when he parachuted out the window of the 13th floor and had a chute malfunction. Sadly, this means yet another personal injury lawsuit against BearMeat, Inc. Time to lawyer up.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 10:20 PM  

  • considering it's Scott Drew, shouldn't it be "30 Minutes of Heck"?

    By Anonymous Andrew from Colonial Hoops, at 2:06 PM  

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