Monday, February 26, 2007

Waco We Do Pimp Patent Theft, Craigslist Edition

On a slow news day at the ALICO, we have our interns scour the internets for juicy "slice of life" tidbits on life in Waco, Texas. Today, Mexican Intern Raul Lopez spotted the following gem on the Waco Craigslist. Here is the link, if you don't believe that the below is actually real.

$10,000 reward

Reply to:
Date: 2007-01-28, 2:56PM CST

Looking for Cindy Caldwell her last known address is El Paso, TX and Stephanie Light, her last known address is Worms, Germany. But sources tell me they relocated to Texas. Cindy Caldwell has a younger brother name Jimmy. Stephanie Light has two older sisters name Laura and Sarah. I need to subpoena them to court for stealing intellectual properties. Cindy and Stephanie are now in their early 40's they were strippers and heavy cocaine users in their early twenties. Apparantly their pimps got them involved to steal my copyrights and patents. How do I know these hookers? Went to high school with them. $10,000 reward for thier whereabouts.

I love the whole "pimp orchestrated patent theft" theory and the fact that the crime was most likely committed over 20 years ago. Wonder what his intellectual property was? Was it a microchip or the cell phone? Is there some former pimp out there that is now the majority shareholder and CEO of some Fortune 500 tech corporation? Why did it take this guy 20 years to follow up on this theft? Did he just now wake up from a two-decade drug-addled haze and speak with an attorney? I swear, that craigslist post could be made into a movie, or, better yet, a sitcom. The perfect pitch of the absurdity is Waco to the core. We call on all BearMeat readers to give their interpretation of the sequence of events that spawned this post. What of the litigation? Are there deep pockets involved? Did the pimps sell the patents to a corporation? Please give us your best educated guess.

For some reason this story strikes as both a From Malibu to Waco type of story and a Osler's Razor type of story. If you haven't already, check out the good professor's ongoing Baylor History Project, which we believe to be an elaborate tribute to BearMeat. In the spirit of this craigslist post, we present the opposing narrative, the Waco We Do campaign's television commercial.



  • I know it is unusual for the public to see the inner workings of a BearMeat editorial board meeting; however, I move that we put together an exploratory committee to research the formation of the BearMeatHound Gang. I think $10k would be a nice addition to the BearMeat endowment.

    Secondly, how do I know these hookers? Sounds like old girlfriends. Waco High. Class of '84. Syphilis.

    By Blogger Pat Neffistopheles, at 5:45 PM  

  • My best guess is that one of those "pimps" was Bill Gates. I have some evidence to suggest that another "pimp" was Steve Jobs.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 7:21 PM  

  • Being the kind of guy that tends to know a little something or nothing about stealing intellectual property, I took it upon myself to basically take your article and reverse the order.

    I may be a thief but I’ve also taken the liberty of e-mailing the original poster in an attempt to figure out the details. I was going to recommend he call PacMan Jones to bring these women to justice but I figure I’ll wait till about the third or so e-mail to before mentioning it. Give the girls a chance to run.

    But really, I hate this sort of thing . . . the thing where girls use my time-machine blueprints as straws for their lines of coke. They get naked and I fall for it every fucking time.

    By Blogger Jonathan Swanburg, at 7:22 PM  

  • Swan:

    You sir, are a bold and decisive blogger. We often look to you for leadership and guidance on the issues of the day. Your blog piracy was pure flattery and your further investigation is the most anticipated event at the BearMeat Editorial Offices since the Good Judge and Governor Pat's "gentlemen's wager" on who could lasso the most hobos in one hour.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 10:06 PM  

  • I know why it took twenty years for him to get litigious -- the intellectual property at question was a memory machine -- most likely a PostIt Note or a length of string to tie around the finger.

    So, then the queston -- How did he remember the incident all these years later without the use of his memory machine?

    Easy -- Global Warming has contributed to many flashbacks -- just the other day I flashed back to Nam even though I am only 29 years old. He was taking a walk and flashed back to the night that he was testing his new mammary machine on a couple of strippers who ended up stealing his memory machine and giving it to their pimp be cause he could never remember which hoe owed him money.

    It all makes sense if you look at it that way.


    By Blogger Poke, at 9:21 AM  

  • I do believe the Gentleman Poke is on to something here.

    I also think this scenario is really the basis for "Die Hard 4." John McClane is gonna jack those stealing hookers.

    By Blogger Pat Neffistopheles, at 10:01 AM  

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