Saturday, February 24, 2007

RaiderMeat: The Old King in the Desert, A Fairytale

[In the aftermath of the Gentlemen Bears crushing defeat (moral victory!) to Texas Ass & Mule, we turn our focus to the last road game of the season, which will be an important game for Scott Drew. Why? Not only is his record-breaking road loss streak on the line, but so is the BearMeat Editorial Board's endorsement. The Board has been interviewing potential candidates for head coach of the men's squad, and so far we are leaning towards Mulk, who assures us that she can handle running both teams. This game against the Texas Institute of Technology es muy importante. So we will assist the Gentlemen Bears by denigrating the Techies' legendary head coach with this simple fairytale. - Eds.]

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The Old King in the Desert

My Kingdom for a Horse

Once upon a time there lived in the desert an angry old king who found himself at war with the world. The old king was renowned throughout the land as one of the greatest monarchs of all time, but in spite of this acclaim, he was a very disturbed person. He had come to the desert to rule over a people in a one-mule town after he was dethroned in his own kingdom. In his previous kingdom, the old man had won laurels, conquests, and victories; more than had ever been seen in that land before. Yet when the old king began to lose his touch and began acting like a tyrant, he was deposed in a coup d'etat. The reasons for the coup were the old king's disrespect of his soldiers, priests, judges, servants, and the very people who controlled the treasury. His behavior had gone from mildly eccentric to moraly loathsome.

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The Young King Enraged

Into the Desert

So, in to the desert the old king went, leaving behind his old kingdom and re-establishing his reign among a people who had never tasted of the glory that the king had taken for granted. The desert exile lasted over five years and the old king had nearly nothing to show for his time in the wilderness except for more scandal, violence and indignities. In the dead of winter this past year, the old man had acquired more victories in battle than any king ever before. A few days later, a defeat to Baptist hordes known for their timidity in battle demonstrated how far the mighty king had fallen. When the rematch approached, the Baptist king dispatched three of his most trusted advisers to negotiate with and minister to the aging king.

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3 Wisemen: The Governor, The Judge, and The President

Enter the Three Wisemen

The President, the Judge, and the Governor were no strangers to suffering and shame. As warrior-poets residing in the kingdom since ancient of days, the three men were long-acquainted with pathos. They had personally seen hopes dashed at the highest levels of combat and had witnessed the pathetic spectacle of the last flicker of life extinguished by a less-than-worthy opponent. In the desert, the old king had taken to dwelling in caves outside of the city, so that he could reflect on the glories and tragedies of his past. He had of late taken to weeping and self-flagelation for days on end. Knowing this, the three wisemen journeyed westward into the desert, far from the lush oasis of their river valley home. Upon arriving on the backs of donkeys, carrying enough libations for several journeys of similar length, the men dismounted their beasts of burden and entered the cave of the old king. They found him there clad in sackcloth and ashes, screaming at passersby and weeping openly.

"Your majesty," the President bellowed into the cave, "We are the three wisemen of the BearMeat Editorial Board. We have been sent to speak with you by the king of the Baptist hordes."

"Go away," the old king replied, and hurled his feces towards the wisemen.

"We mean you no harm, old man," the Judge offered, "we only have a proposition to discuss with you."

"What ever do you want? Can't you see that I fear neither God nor Man?" answered the old king. "What could you possibly offer me?"

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A Legend in Decline

"We have a proposal for you that we think you would be wise to heed, dear king," the Governor volunteered, "Since your armies were humiliated by our Baptist hordes and you have achieved all that you can possibly desire within your lifetime, we ask that you entertain falling on your sword and letting us bring your bloated, silver-haired cranium back to our fertile land with us. You would be able to retain your dignity and preserve your honor without suffering yet another humiliating loss to a traveling carnival of foreign minstrels who delight in illogical strategy and difficult combat techniques."

"Never," the king indignantly responded, "I could never surrender before battle."

"Please, good king, be reasonable. We already have a collection of heads that would make any sultan envious. The heads of your colleagues and former monarchs Quin Snyder, Melvin Watkins, Ricardo Patton, and even Doc Sadler, rest upon our mantle in our hunting lodge. Consider the advantages to willingly giving your head to us now, rather than having a constable retrieve it with a court order," the President reasoned.

"Victory or Death!" shouted the king, brandishing a pocket knife in the direction of the wisemen.

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The Old King Still Had a Fiery Soul

"You have made your decision, king," the Judge warned, "but we caution you to think of your family and your reputation. Good day."

And with that, the three wisemen returned to their rich and fertile land. Upon returning, the men dismounted and began raising an army to lay seige to the old king's fortress and collect his head following victory.

So it was in this manner that a stubborn old king refused to exit the world's stage with grace and dignity, but instead chose a most pathetic end.

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An Honorable Exit is Always Preferred

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