MTV CRIBS: BearMeat Editorial Offices
[The following is a transcript of the MTV program Cribs, which featured the BearMeat Editorial Offices in its pilot episode. The pictures are still frames from the episode. Red Andrews led the tour.]
Red Andrews: Welcome, MTV to the historic ALICO building in downtown Waco, Texas! The BearMeat Editorial Board has offices on its 13th Floor, said to be haunted with the ghosts of souls who died in the Waco Tornado of 1953, which is perfect for us, since we already inhabit the realm of the undead. Ha ha!
[Taking the elevator up to the 13th Floor]
Red: The first thing you'll notice when we get off is what we call the "Leisure Lounge," where employees and visitors alike can enjoy themselves with the finest in female companionship. This room has seen many dignitaries through the years: Bobby Sloan, Chet Edwards, Poppa Rollo, and LaDainian Tomlinson. We realize the stress and pressure many of our interns are under, so we give them the opportunity to volunteer as Leisure Lounge female companions if they tire of sweeping up peanut shells, taking dictation of Governor Pat's dreams, and purchasing whiskey from Bad Bear Liquor. This room is a symbol of our work culture: with great responsibility comes great rewards.
Red: This is where our interns come up with the source material for our daily posts. The work pace is frantic at times, and at other times it can be very sedentary. Our interns have been known to put in 100+ hour weeks or not come in at all for weeks on end (usually due to our faulty "direct deposit" software that Gov. Pat invented).
[Red walks over to an intern and gives her a shoulder massage. The intern winces. Red whispers in her ear and places a 50 cent piece on her desk. She looks at him, then looks away.]
Regardless, this is the nerve center of BearMeat; this is where ideas, jokes, images, and libel are brought together and put on the world wide web. Now let's proceed to the library.
[Walking to the library]
Red: Here we have the magnificent BearMeat library, which is the only library in Central Texas which can claim to have every issue ever published of Modern Bride, Good Houskeeping, and Civil War Digest. Our collection of 20th Century American Periodicals is unrivaled on this continent. The funny thing is, we didn't even know that until we hired a librarian to organize our subscriptions.
[Octogenarian woman looks up from behind the desk and begins to sob. Red walks over and places two $1 bills into her tip jar.]
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. The library also doubles as the "boom boom room," which is where the magic happens. At least a dozen paternity suits had their roots in this room. We really need to remove the bed and stripper pole. Now let's move on to the cafeteria.
[Walking into the cafeteria]
Red: This is where all of our meals are prepared. We have a kitchen staff of about 32 full-time employees. You might think that is a lot, considering we barely pay our interns and don't run advertising on the blog, but each and every one of our kitchen staff was saved by the Good Judge from a life of destitute squalor in East Waco and given a job here that pays as much as an assistant professor at Baylor.
[Employees begin to grumble in unison. Red takes a $5 bill out of his pocket and drops it on the floor. The kitchen staff scrambles for it like piñata candy.]
How can we afford such costs, you ask? Simple: the BearMeat Kitchen Staff also runs a very successful catering company in Mexia, of which the Editorial Board only takes a quarter of the profits. Lots of businesses talk about empowering their employees, but at BearMeat, we actually do it.
Red: Well, MTV, that about does it for the tour. We hope you enjoyed your stay. Now we've got to get back to work - we've got a Slip-and-Slide Fundraiser benefitting disadvantaged sorority girls that we must prepare for.
[Judge Baylor and Governor Pat walk by carrying buckets of whip cream and chocolate syrup]
It's been fun, MTV. So long! Sic 'Em Bears!
[Red turns to intern, who is scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush]
Brush harder, damn you! Do you want that recommendation? Do you want course credit for your journalism degree? Don't make me call contact the Lariat about you.