Thursday, February 15, 2007

An Intern Asks: Questions From Commoners

What sport would you most like to see Baylor add?

As a long-time advocate of aquatic fitness, I have always wanted Baylor to add a Swim and Dive team. As a top advisor to Bobby "The Unwise" Sloan, I recommended the Student Life Center have world class swimming facilities, but instead we ended up with a huge hot tub and a miniature basketball hoop for thunderous water dunks.

Only photo I could find of Red and me jumping without a hint of shaft.

I mean these facilities are great at encouraging disease-infested water sex and bloody noses, but that role was already occupied by BearMeat's Pool and Spa Park since 1903. I'm talking about serious physical exertion, not activities that are best accompanied by a koozie with a whimsical saying on it.

My revolutionary puppetry and water aerobics morning class.

I finally realized that unless I put my considerable clout and name directly behind this endeavor at Baylor, I would never get the result I wanted. Being the namesake of a university has certain inherent advantages; I never wait in line at the cafeteria, I get to use the bathroom anywhere I choose on campus, whether there is a toilet present or not, and I host an annual awards jamboree dedicated to me entitled, "The Best Sycophants, Toadies, and Courtiers of the Year". As the title indicates, I give awards to those who have best acknowledged my importance during the preceding year. There are many categories and all of them are hotly contested. The "who's who" of Baylor and central Texas are always there and have often won awards. The culmination of the evening is the, "Sitting at the Right Hand of the Judge" award, that goes to most deferential, groveling person of the year. For one hundred seven years, whoever had occupied the role of whiskey wrangler for me had unanimously won the award (I am the only voting member of Judge's Award Committee). However, on this historical evening I cast my deciding vote for the intern who served as our pool boy and perpetually wore speedos. The gesture was dramatic and clear. As Yegor strode to the podium, wearing nothing more than a banana hammock and aqua socks, the crowd begin murmuring and finally, hesitatingly, rose to give a standing ovation. We still don't have a Swim and Dive team, but it is only a matter of time.

Yegor proudly displaying his "Sitting at the Right Hand of the Judge" award.

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  • Ahh, Yegor. Now that's a sad story. Raised by wolves, crowned prince of Arabia, then dethroned, only to end up hustling faxes and memos at the BearMeat editorial offices.

    He's on his way back, though.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 8:52 AM  

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