Thursday, February 22, 2007

AgricMeat: Weekend Sweep Predicted

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From a less homoerotic era at A&M


The BearMeat Editorial Board has thought long and hard about how we are going to cover this weekend's games against A&M. On Saturday, the Gentlemen Bears journey to College Station to again face the Aggies and rekindle the 100 Years War between our schools. On Sunday, the LadyAgs travel to Waco to attempt to defeat our LadyBears for the second time this year. We thought we would remind our readers that we have dealt with the Agriculturalists in some detail this past school year, proving beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are the Big12 equivalent of North Korea, showing how A&M football would be depicted as Garbage Pail Kids, and chronicling an illicit affair between the Good Judge and an Amazon Lady Aggie.



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Aggie Homecoming Queen: The Good Judge's Only Aggie Conquest.


However, we are not quite done with the Ags and their ilk. No, we of the BearMeat Editorial Board formally Declare War on Texas Ass & Mule, challenging their bloggers to come with their heavy guns against the B. Do they have anything to fire at us? We doubt it, since most accrediting institutions regard an A&M bachelor degree as the equivalent of a middle-school education. We therefore predict a weekend sweep of the Aggies, both the men's and women's teams, with the greatest Baylor triumph in recent memory (Nebraska victory notwithstanding). How are we going to achieve this goal. Let us list the reasons why this upset of two top-ranked teams is an inevitability.


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The Corps: Let's Play Army - "We Surrender"

1. Aggie Arrogance. Never before have the LadyAgs and ManAgs enjoyed such dominance in the realm of roundball. This is new and unfamiliar territory for the Ags and while before they regarded Baylor as a worthy opponent (LadyBear 2005 National Champions; Two close victories over the International Three-Point Carnival last year), the Ags are now thinking Final Four. Don't count out your Brazos rival, because the LadyBears are clicking on all cylinders and the Gentlemen Bears are spoiling for an upset. Don't sleep on the B. Just because your school produced a competent Secretary of Defense and a corrupt governor who used to be a cheerleader doesn't mean a thing when it comes time to hardwood showdowns. Just because you have a Bush Library and we don't doesn't mean you can hold your heads higher. Pride cometh before the downfall and hubris has brought down many a warrior. Tread lightly, Ags, for the Bears lurk in the woods and are ready to dine on a collie.


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Saw 'Em Off, Indeed


2. Mulk > Gillispie. We have a national championship-caliber coach who will destroy all Aggie hopes and dreams. While the two coaches won't personally square off, they embody the winningest traditions of each respective school. We love Gillispie's CenTex roots, but when it comes to winning, the proof is in the pudding. Both Billy and Mulk have turned loser programs around, but the jury is still out on Billy Boy. Rankings are one thing, but Tourney success is quite another. Mulk will do anything to win, including sacrificing her first-born; can the same be said of Gillispie? This weekend Mulk plans to relieve Scott Drew of head coaching duties so that she can collect two wins pulling double duty, while keeping the Scott Drew Road Losing Streak in tact.

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Will Gillispie Ever Cut Down Nets? Doubtful.



3. The Court at Reed Arena. Is there any doubt that this court is the ugliest in America. In fact ESPN.com deemed it so in their review of college basketball courts. The combination of the ugly parquet floor, the arc-to-arc giant Texas outline, and the T with the star (discontent with the old "aTm" logo, are we?), makes this court a visual abortion. No national champion can emerge from a home court that violates this many aesthetic principles. This court is an enemy of all that is good and will begin to warp the minds of those who play on it day in and day out. We suspect that eventually this court will develop a reputation for eating souls and being an affront to the Living God. There is no excuse for this monstrosity, except that it was hatched in a school known for the barnyard arts, not the architectural arts. This court alone will give our Bears an enormous psychological advantage as we are accustomed to playing in the soothingly green Will Ferrell Center. Our mental tranquility will surely triumph over the chaotic, sociopathic logic that stems from Reed Arena's tragic court.


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Reed Arena: What Hath College Station Wrought?

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36 Comments:

  • This is perfection. The accuracy is uncanny.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:31 PM  

  • obsess much?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:43 PM  

  • i feel dumber.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:46 PM  

  • Anon(s): When in our darkest hour of somber contemplation, we realize that our blog is nothing if not a platform for our anti-aggie perspective. Thus, we are duty-bound to take pot-shots at the agriculturalists, regardless of cogency, ethics, or proper decorum.

    We are obsessed: the ultimate defeat of the A&M Experiment is our only goal. That and getting media credentials for Baylor events. And maybe eating that 72oz steak that we see advertised on the highway.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 12:47 PM  

  • Wait who's baylor?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:47 PM  

  • Hah! It looks like we tapped an aggie artery.

    Anon12:45 - you are dumber now. That's part of our plan. Reading BearMeat kills brain cells for those with inferior educational backgrounds.

    Anon12:47- Baylor is a bible college with an athletics problem.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 12:50 PM  

  • Damn you Baytards are getting funnier by the minute!

    You owe me a new keyboard for shooting Dr. Pepper out of my nose just thinking the Baytards have a chance this Saturday!

    By Blogger Denny, at 12:51 PM  

  • Denny:

    You know how to work a computer? I thought the City Council of College Station declared them contraband. At least you are drinking the Baytard KoolAid, Dr Pepper. If you guzzle DP at 10, 2 and 4, you eventually start rooting for BU.

    We'll send you a new keyboard with large keys for your fat aggie fingers.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 12:59 PM  

  • wow, you say aggies are arrogant, but how should we act with this much hero-worship in your blog?

    While your women's team has a very good chance of beating us(50/50), yalls men's team is going to lose in College Station, then they will lose in Lubbock and then again back at home in Waco. 3-13 is not somthing to be proud of, trust me I felt the pain 3 years ago, 0-16.

    By Anonymous Carl, at 1:02 PM  

  • no seriously what the hell is Baylor?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:05 PM  

  • What has Baylor University ever contributed to the world?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:09 PM  

  • First off i would like to say scoreboard for the 5 games in a row. Second, scoreboard in football 23 out of 24. Lastly, scoreboard in money, students, good looking women, and womens basketball coaches (ours doesnt look like a cracked out dyke).

    Have fun being that town/school on the way to austin or college station.

    By Anonymous Shank, at 1:12 PM  

  • This comment has been removed by the author.

    By Blogger Zachary, at 1:21 PM  

  • Are you serious? Wow I can't believe I wasted my time on this. We're not going to beat you because we have a governor, secretary of defense, or george bush library. We are going to beat you (and already have) because we have the better team. Kudos to attacking our bball program with obscurities. At least we make our bball headlines with our playing and not with murder charges.

    By Blogger Zachary, at 1:22 PM  

  • aTm is ranked higher than baylor in any college rankings you want to use for education.


    Swing and a miss.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:23 PM  

  • HomoPhobicAggie: We can't compete with your witty observations, but we know that our coach is a winner and pretty hot looking, especially by Aggie standards.

    Re: Baylor's contributions to the world, we give you 4 TX governors, 1 Senator, countless congressmen, Olympic gold medalists, plenty o' judges, and with our nice 60/40 female-to-male ratio, we have given Aggies plenty of white women to bear their half-witted children.

    re: all the non-basketball issues, we ask you to fish around our blog for a little bit of satire and sarcasm and see what you can find. If nothing, we will ask A&M's regents to rescind your Bachelor's Degree in Goat Herding.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 1:24 PM  

  • awww someone doesnt like us making fun.... We should start a Carlton Dotson chant. Or make a sign, we take down more bears than Carlton

    By Anonymous mr way too innappropriate guy, at 1:24 PM  

  • Maybe we could make a sign about rampant forced sodomy among the Corps . . . but that would be classless - something we here at BearMeat pride ourselves on.

    Why don't you Aggie Geniuses start a decent Aggie Sports Blog? It's pathetic how many fools hang around on TexasAgs.com and make dumbass comments, but never start a blog. We would love a well-written opponent with whom to spar.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 1:27 PM  

  • oh ok so now I see Baylor is that other school in Texas...I always thought there was just A&M and t.u.

    now that my question has been answered...let me ask a new one...what is the point of this blog?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:30 PM  

  • There are a shit load of TU message boards and a shit load of TU sports blogs, the best of which is BurntOrangeNation. There is no Aggie Equivalent to the plethora of TU internet sites. Until then, you will forever be reacting to these intentionally provacative posts written by a BAYLOR blogger. Why do you even waste your time commenting? Our blog is designed to piss you off. Since Aggies have nothing but one shitty message board, all you can do is talk shit in one incoherent sentence at a time.

    Time to evolve on the internet, Aggies. Start a blog or a website that covers Aggie Athletics. Hell, even start a satirical one, like ours. It would make BearMeat so happy to see you guys doing well for yourselves and not just impulsively responding to every slight and trash-talk written by a low-radar BU blog.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 1:37 PM  

  • might want to read the latest reviews of baylor and a&m on college rankings. It might change your views about the qualities of our degree.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:10 PM  

  • "There is no Aggie Equivalent to the plethora of TU internet sites"

    www.texags.com
    www.12thfan.com
    www.agtimes.com
    http://www.fannation.com/blogs/post/392
    www.aggiesports.com

    I could go on. I just don't care to.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:14 PM  

  • Kim Mulkey is 0-1 this year against A&M. Gary Blair owns that lezzie.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:21 PM  

  • Red,

    I take issue with your assertion that the best texas blog out there is burntorangenation. Sorry, but the author of that blog is a sports peon.
    Anyone who complains about 'contain responsibilities' for linebackers when playing the option should be writing as sports blog.

    I enjoy good satire, but thought your "A&M is North Korea" effort was better than this one.

    By Blogger Beergut, at 2:28 PM  

  • That was a pathetic list. My comments are as follows.

    www.texags.com (message board - every college has one)

    www.12thfan.com (Scout.com, commercial site - every college has one by default - not a legit fan-driven site)

    www.agtimes.com (message board site - again, one would expect at least two message boards from a school of 40K+ students, not a blog with any discernible perspective or "authors")

    http://www.fannation.com/blogs/post/392 (commercial site that hasn't posted but once in the last six months)

    www.aggiesports.com (this is the Bryan-College Station Eagle's site - guess what? The Waco Trib covers Baylor as well, as does any college town paper - where are y'all's fan-based blogs and sites?)

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 2:29 PM  

  • Beergut,

    Re: the quality of the satire, I agree. This post was hastily composed since game day is approaching and was purely intended to provoke Ags. Mission accomplished.

    re: BON, while we can't speak to the Xs and Os of their coverage, they do a great job in terms of the depth and breadth of UT sports and are generally nice guys.

    Thanks for reading.

    By the way, your blog is perhaps the most fascinating idea I've ever seen on these here internets.

    Blog on,

    Red

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 2:38 PM  

  • www.yourfightintexasaggies.blogspot.com

    By Blogger TheBiggestAg, at 2:47 PM  

  • I stand corrected, looks like we have a Baby Blog all ready to take its first steps. Let's hope the AggieBaby's first words are "Gig 'Em."

    Good start, now stick with it and you'll approach the level of
    12thManchild, http://the12thmanchild.blogspot.com/, which is a decent A&M blog (identity crisis notwithstanding) that, sadly, none of y'all have ever heard of.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 2:53 PM  

  • Wow, we're judging schools now based on the number of sports blogs they have. I guess I need to get one of those started.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:09 PM  

  • by the way, red, I'm the one that posted at 2:10 and 2:14 about the rankings and blogs. This might blow your mind, but I actually go to Baylor. I posted all three of these messages from Hankamer. Sorry, bud. A&M>>baylor. I can produce proof if you really need it.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:18 PM  

  • Anon:

    Wow! If you go to BU and really believe that, than you don't need to offer any further proof. I'm convinced: A&M > BU. Oh wait, if you remove the bestiality and sodomy criteria and carry the one, Baylor > A&M. There you go, fellow Baylorite, you can take that to your statistics prof and he'll sign off on my updated rankings.

    Tool. At least Ags have some loyalty.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 3:24 PM  

  • 5 in a row.
    23 out of 24.
    Yeah, go ahead and ignore this. Or better yet, speak about Baylor's imminent return to success (Return? From when?). Baylor is not on the way up. Baylor athletics suck. Period. End of Story.
    5 in a row.
    23 out of 24.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:28 PM  

  • no one that goes to baylor honestly believes they are remotely as good athletically or academically as a&m or ut. they just like to say these things to get a rise out of people and get their jollies.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:37 PM  

  • Thanks for this wonderful post...it was quite nice reading through it...and hey also drop by my blog on Womens Day Greetings sometime and enjoy all that i've posted there!!!!

    By Anonymous gerry, at 4:41 AM  

  • That women's day site was weak....

    Go Bears.

    By Blogger Mark, at 9:50 AM  

  • I’m UT alum and while I do enjoy upset ags, please leave my school out of this. We have done nothing wrong and should be left out of the insurgent fighting raging on this here blog.

    But I will rise to the defense of Burnt Orange Nation. There is not a nicer or humble blogger than PB and if you think otherwise, please come to our community and voice your remarks so that it can be dealt with fairly instead of snipping at us on this forum.

    That being said, I thought the post was hilarious as usual. Except you need more UT satire. The playing cards were good but more please. We have the ability not to take ourselves as serious as some and to laugh at ourselves when appropriate. We also appreciate quality humor when it happens even when it’s at our expense.

    Go Bears this weekend
    UT2001

    By Blogger Tito, at 3:42 PM  

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