Friday, February 23, 2007

AgricMeat: The Critics

I enjoy reading our comments section and message boards around games against the Agrics. It tends to attract the best and brightest. The insults come in a few standard variation, many surprisingly related to human sexuality. I will address the Agrics most pressing accusations and insinuations as straight-forwardly as possible. Although I have never attended Baylor or been to its campus, I feel that as its namesake I must address the critics.

<span class=
Where I actually spend all my time.

1. We Suffer Penis Envy.

Since all three of us identify as males, I assume this phrase is being used in its popular sense and not Freudian Theory. I can't speak for Pat or Red, but unless this penis you speak of is bifurcated, I can think of no reason to be envious. I will admit, I do suffer from penis envy's buddy Castration Anxiety, occasionally penis panic, aka Genital Retraction Syndrome (GRS), and once had a bout of whiskey dick.

<span class=
This caused my latest bout of GRS.

2. Our Musings Have Something to do with the Size of Our Penises.

That is a weighty allegation that is difficult to answer. I suppose it could. Perhaps Pat's wackiness is a result of having a crazy straw-like member. I know personally that I have often felt a great burden by having extraordinarily large genitalia. Just today, for up to the minute measurements, I took a tape measure to myself. My measuring technique has been refined over the years and I no longer include my taint, which often doubled my length. Hold your breath, I am, at my zenith, three inches and a half. Do not be afraid. I realize that is below the average U.S. male, but keep in mind I am only twenty inches tall. If you extrapolate the data to the average male height, 5'9", you would realize that I could work nights in Boy's Town, Nuevo Laredo with those stats.

<span class=
Me, at age 45, only taller.

3. We and our coaches engage in a variety of homosexual acts.

First off, I admit I have no problem with homosexuality, but due to scheduling conflicts was unable to engage in the plethora of activities so vividly described by Agrics that were disgusted by them. However, I have engaged in a few indiscretions with Agrics over the years that I will share. In chronological order, not in degree of enjoyment.
(a) Fall 2006, played soggy muffin with Coach Gillispie, Joe Jones, and Stephen McGee. McGee lost or won, depending on your perspective.
(b) Spring 2000, attended the Corps "Senior Boots, Leather and Thongs Men-Only Dingleberry Hunt Party", I hardly participated, but apparently that whole men in uniform works for even other men in uniform.
(c) Summer 1989, helped organize the R.C. "Poke 'em" Slocum's first "Freshmen Football Player's Buggery Fish Camp".
(d) Fall 1954, Paul "Bear" Bryant, he was given that nickname by me, spent a lot of time together during his College Station years, or as he called it the wandering the desert years. We were dear friends and I remember one magical night with the annual bonfire blazing, looking into each other's eyes, and then kissing. We stopped, knowing it would never work, me believing in God, him working for the Agrics, but we continued holding hands and dreaming of better tomorrows.

<span class=
I miss that warm embrace.

4. They have never heard of Baylor or know who they are.

I concede this point, basic knowledge has never been a strong point of the Agrics. Besides if we spent that much time inhaling shoe polish and shining metal, we would probably also need to wear adult diapers and have to wear a name tag reminding us of who we were. I wonder if an Agric was asked to name all the schools in the Big 12 if they would stop at 11 or more likely end up in single digits. Maybe they don’t recall us because Baylor was founded over a generation before the Agrics put up their first dirt floor schoolhouse, which was recently refurbished with sod.

<span class=
I hope that upside down reading isn't too difficult.

5. They are superior to us in every way; academics.

This is not an easy comparison to make. Baylor has fewer than 15,000 students, has traditionally been a undergraduate university, and is Christian. The Agrics are a state-supported research university, with more than 45,000 students. In order to make a fair comparison, let's bring UT into the mix, which has similar numbers to the Agrics. According to US News rankings, which are ridiculous but heavily relied upon, UT is 47, Agrics 60, Baylor 81. The actual raw numbers are very similar and they all have the same selectivity rating: more selective. I look at the rankings and think the schools are all in the same ballpark. Agrics look at the rankings, and after dismissing them as a conspiracy, think of themselves as about even with Texas and that Baylor's not even close. I was also going to point out that the Agrics, despite having a gigantic graduate school, don't have a law school. This didn't surprise me since the Agrics have always been afraid of the burdens of civilization like laws. But they actually have a law school affiliation and it is not even close to the rankings of Baylor Law. If you care about rankings.

<span class=
The ugliest corner of campus.

6. They are superior to us in every way; athletically

Once again this is a tough accusation to counter, since it is so broad. Baylor’s football team, particularly since the inception of the Big 12 has been nothing short of atrocious. However, and this is difficult to say, football is not everything. Neither school has much of a basketball pedigree, but Baylor has been to two Final Fours. If the Agrics had done something similar there would be a statute on campus for all the members of the team and lots of references back to traditions of yore. We mostly forget it happened. When it comes all the other sports there is a Director's Cup they give out every year to the best overall athletic program not including football and men's basketball. Stanford always wins and Texas is always in the top five. As recently as two years ago Baylor finished one place ahead of the Agrics and is always competitive. The list usually only has handful of private schools ahead of us. In the other words, we remain in the same ballpark, both nowhere near UT, in the standings. Tell me again why you are with UT and not side-by-side with us. It pains you, but you know it is true. I won’t even mention the 8 gold medals in the 400 meters we are currently building on.

<span class=><span class=
That's the most gold this side of Paul Wall.

7. We are full of ourselves, think we are clever or funny. Usually accompanied by I thought Baylor was a Christian school (said sarcatically).

I promise you Baylor is a Christian school, I have know its oppressive yoke on more than one occasion, but I have not once thought I was funny or clever. I'm just you typical 214 year old dude trying to make it another 200 years doing the Lord's will. I wouldn't even say anything about Agrics, remember Bryant and me, expect she tells me they are an abomination in her eyes. I can't walk away from divine instruction. You all understand duty right?

Labels:

5 Comments:

  • You know, an A & M grad once served as the official mascot for Baylor: The Unlettered Scalliwag.

    By Blogger Mark Osler, at 9:23 PM  

  • First of all I'm drunk.
    Second of all, I posted my bit about some of this in the previous post with the 36 entries.

    Third, let's all support the 12th manchild or whatever his new name will be. I have not posted there but his writing his good and well thought out. As you say, the big 12 needs good bloggers considering the SEC and Big 10 have too many to count.

    I would like to bring up the academic issue. As Bearmeat stated, the numbers from US news and world report may be misleading. In my opinion (and pleaes post of you have other opinions) is that UT is in par with Miiiiiichagan, Virginia, etc... That may be homerism as I am offering no numbers to back up my claim.
    But I believe then numbers would align if you compensated for the class size variable in the US news and world report. IN my opinion, UT (again, please let me know your opinion) has the academic reputation of those school despite being a southern school.

    Now, I know little about private school rankings so Baylor cannot to UT or Tech. I just find it difficult to believe that Baylor can be compared to a Tech or North Texas or the aggies.

    Maybe reputation matters more here. Are the aggies at a disadvantage because of their sterotypical conservatism if they apply for a job above the Mason-Dixon Line? Do Yankees view all Southern schools as dumb? Does a Baylor graduate have a disadvantage because they come from a religious school? What about Notre Dame? Maybe rep matters more in the recruiting field, but I find it difficult to compare UT/aggies, Tech to Baylor. Different agendas and missions I guess.

    But hey, I don't believe there are 46 other schools ahead of UT and neither should you believe there are X amount of schools ahead of the university you attend/attended.
    Like I stated before, factor all the private colleges out and I think UT is tops. And you should also agree that a&m or baylor is tops as well.

    By Blogger Tito, at 12:45 AM  

  • If you have a problem with US News, you certainly won't like Carnegie's rating system and won't find B under "Tier I" institutions.

    The whole argument about being an Undergraduate school will come in really handy when McLennan Community College looks to convert B into its downtown campus.

    As for the Law School, ...you also used to have a Dentist School, but funny thing happened.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:37 AM  

  • Wait-- is anonymous there saying that A & M is going to take over the Baylor Law School, like they did the Dental School. Yikes!

    By Blogger Mark Osler, at 2:30 PM  

  • Have you noticed the Agrics kept the Baylor name on the dental school? Must be an attempt by them to associate themselves with our good name. The only teeth anyone would let an Agric work on is a dog's.

    By Blogger Judge Baylor, at 2:56 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home