Monday, January 22, 2007

Will These Hands Ne'er Be Clean? Part One

It is time for the BearMeat Basketball Report Card. For the reader's convenience, we will split the report into the Gentlemen and Lady Bears and then do specific evaluations of individuals whom we feel are noteworthy.

Bjorn Svenson, pictured here, is president of the East Waco Youth Chapter
of the Sons of Norway and is sketched receiving exemplary marks on his Report Card
He is an avid Lady Bears fan - which justifies the image


Team Assessment: The season started off very well and we have been particularly impressed with the incoming recruiting class (1st in the nation - which is what a national championship brings: are you listening Drew and GuyMo?) - especially Wilson, who is our very own Dikembe Mutombo with as many shots as she blocks, and Mosby, who plays the part of a skinnier, more intense Sophia Young. However, losing two straight conference games, especially to A&M (salt in the wound after the OU loss), dashed our confidence that this year's squad is stronger than last year's team. Our inside game is much improved over last year, and our 3 point shooting is up as well, but we cannot afford to let OU continue their Fat Twin Domination of the Lady Bears. Mulk, who has been distracted by highly-educated suitors, has displayed her signature intensity, but her wardrobe has not quite been up to par. We need to be mentioned in the same breath as the Top 5 teams and must beat OU in order to prove we can contend for the title this year.
Grade: D (for Deflated Hopes)

Mosby Assessment:
This ex-Gatoress jumped ship right before their athletic program was in full nose-dive, so their loss is our gain. Our team is now Mosby's team - she is our leader and her strength is our faith. Her performance this season has revived hopes of another Final Four run. Yet another star shines brightly in the LadyBears frontcourt!
Grade: U (for Unstoppable)

Gator No More:
Baylor Claims a Victory over Florida

Rachel Allison Assessment:
Rachel, why don't you return our calls anymore. We miss hanging out, ragging on people from Dallas, hammering Jello Shots and playing spin the bottle with you and the team. What happened? You need to be much more aggressive on the court and mix it up with those fat-ass Paris twins or we'll be going home early from the tourney again this year.
Grade: H (for Hottie Sophmore with lots of room for growth)

Danielle Wilson Assessment:
The LadyBears first McDonald's All-American (Tweety's counterpart) with a single specialty of shot-blocking, Wilson will develop into a monster by season's end. We predict most public buildings in Texas will be named after her upon her graduation from the B.
Grade: P (for Potential Governor of Texas)

Mulk Assessment:
We love Kim Mulkey. Now that she's on the market, our former forbidden desires can now see the light of day. She is the belle of Waco, she has brought us good fortune, and she must be cherished and never whisked away by a larger school. However, she must confront Darth Coale, aka "Trailer Mulk," if she wants to save the Republic (Baylor) from the Empire (SoonerNation).
Grade: C (for Captivating)

Feisty Blond Big12 Coaches:
There Can Be Only One

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  • I'm not sure whether I could fit in the midst of that Mulkey-Coale embrace, but I could certainly try.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:31 AM  

  • We sure do have some horny anonymous contributors. We applaud their discreet use of web anonymity to courageously say the things the BearMeat Editorial Board would only say over a few beers at the breakfast table.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 8:37 AM  

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