Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Top Ten Reasons to Hire "Samurai Mike"

As the Good Judge has alerted us to, the Cowboys are interviewing Mike Singletary today for the position of head coach of the franchise. This was met with great jubilation in the BearMeat Editorial offices of the ALICO Building, and the pouring out of celebratory libations ensued. However, unlike the Bush Library, we don't want to get our hopes up and proclaim victory prematurely. Instead, we offer ten reasons why Jerry Jones, esteemed owner of the Dallas Cowboys, should hire Mike Singletary, Baylor legend and assistant coach of the San Francisco 49ers.

"To Light The Ways of Time"

1. Singletary is from Texas. Born in H-Town, raised in the Lone Star State, nothing says Local Boy Done Good and the Cowboys are loyal to Texas (unlike those Vince-spurning Houston Texans) like making The Minister of Defense the next head Coach of the 'Boys. Diehard Cowboys fans were some pissed when you signed Terrell Owens, who "dissed the star." Passing up Singletary may just demonstrate your contempt for the home state of America's Team.

2. Hall of Famer. Inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame in 1995 for his stellar career with Baylor and inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1998 for his magnificent career with the Chicago Bears. You can't argue with his playing field bonafides. Plus, with such honor comes the graciousness and humility of a champion. Expect no tirades or off-the-cuff remarks from this Gentleman. He's already in the Hall, so you know he only wants to win.

Singletary: A Father To All, But Not in the Shawn Kemp fashion.

3. Coaching Experience. As the linebackers coach of the Ravens who worked with Ray Lewis, you know that Singletary can bring out the best in a team. As the assistant head coach with the 49ers, this guy has got the experience and know-how to wear the Big Headset. I know you may, Jerry, have reservations about "the color issue," but let me assure you that our man Mike is much more in the mold of a Tony Dungy than a Dennis Green. He led Baylor to a SWC championship and he can lead the Cowboys to the SuperBowl.

Don't Disrespect the Coach.

4. Celebrated Author. Time for a head coach to bring some intellectual firepower to the table. Singletary is your man. Having written many books, Singletary may just be the first Cowboy head coach nominated for a Pulitzer, chronicling his birth in segregated Houston all the way to coaching the SuperBowl Champion Dallas Cowboys. How bout it, Jerry?

Move over, Billy Shakespeare.

5. Man of God. Ordained Minister. If that doesn't play with the Cowboy faithful, than I don't know what will. Who better to rally the spiritually devoid 'Boys back to the Christian Era of Tom Landry (himself a True Believer) than a Man of God, intent on bringing righteousness to the Gridiron? Give Rev. Mike a chance, for God's sake.

It took hours of searching to find this image. We hope you enjoy it.

6. Knows How to "Play the Game." Singletary knows how to deal with the self-obsessed, crusty, white male establishment, embodied in Jerry Jones. Hell, he excelled at Baylor, which prides itself on preserving the racial purity of its white women above all. Knowing when to "shuck and jive" and when to stay silent is one of the great keys to succeeding in a white power structure. Singletary will never be as flamboyant as Jimmy Johnson or as loud-mouthed as Parcells. He knows how to win approval to the point where Jones will most likely exclaim to his wife over dinner, "Deb, not only is he hard-working, but he's so articulate."

Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.

7. Will break Tony Romo of his crippling addiction to white women with mediocre voice talent , like Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood. This will help steady his hand when crucial game-winning field goals are at stake, instead of snapping his fingers to Carrie's "Jesus Take the Wheel" (a BearMeat favorite, but still - focus on the game). Mike's combination of teacher, preacher, coach and warrior will help mentor Romo to the point where he will use the anointing oils when they are needed: the Playoffs. Likewise, Singletary is much more effective than the Tuna at reigning in the ego of a young QB; his methods include stripping him naked in the locker room while his lineman make jokes about his virility. Works every time.

Tony Romo Theme Song

8. Have nickname, will travel. How much will the Dallas media love toying with the two nicknames "The Minister of Defense" and "Samurai Mike"? I know we will. Whether you like the idea of a defensive-minded bureaucrat or deadly Japanese feudal knight, Singletary has two broadly conceived nicknames to endear him to all sorts of target demographics. Whether the 'Boys are trying to lure Japanese-Americans or staunch pro-military types, Mike can accommodate both.

No more embarrassing losses with the Samurai at the helm.

9. 2007: The Year of the NFL Black Coach. Do not buck the zeitgeist, Jones, ride it out. This is the year our Lord decreed that the black man will finally get a fair shake in the NFL. This is not just a matter of wins and losses but of fundamental civil rights. Just as Lovie and Tony are finally getting theirs in the SuperBowl, so too should Samurai Mike be given a chance to lead the Cowboys back to the promised land. I'm pretty sure that's what MLK, Jr. was talking about.

Singletary: The Dream Fulfilled

10. Dallas Owes Waco. Karma. Having taken our Presidential Library from us, Dallas owes Waco this one favor: make a Baylor Alumni the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys and we will consider the SMU matter water under the bridge. Dallas knew that Waco needed that library more than they did, but its greed was too much for it. However, one single employment offer will clear up all that bad blood faster than you can say "historic low approval ratings."

Bush on Waco: "Good Enough For a Ranch, Piss Poor for a Library"

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  • Hi -- I wanted to throw some Singletary love your way. There's a Mike Singletary Musical Awareness Movement going on this week, check out this a Mike Singletary anthem.

    By Anonymous Joe Murphy, at 6:32 PM  

  • Joe Murphy:

    You sir, are a true Christian. Thanks for sending us that awesome song.



    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 10:53 PM  

  • Great stuff.

    Go Bears! Go Mike! Go Cowboys!


    By Blogger Poke, at 11:41 PM  

  • Thanks, Poke. We wrote this post with you in mind.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 7:59 AM  

  • Under the Baylor / Georgia picture, I think you meant to spell it losses, not loses. If hired, I hope Mike has more attention to detail....

    By Anonymous John - Chesapeake, VA, at 8:44 AM  

  • How about Bush move to Southfork, and let his family move in as well for a remake of "Dallas"? You could find every character of the acclaimed hit TV drama from the Bush elite. George and Jeb = J.R. and Bobby. Iron Mike would be at the helm of the Cowboys everytime the family went to a game in their suite.

    By Anonymous TBone, at 8:53 AM  

  • Chesapeake John, our attention to detail is quite unmeticulous. We hope that you can pardon our many grammtical and spelling errors. Thanks for spotting it.

    TBone - that idea is perhaps the I've ever heard in our comments section, and we have Henry Kissinger as a regular commenter. Thanks, and we may just steal your idea in the next few days.



    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 9:00 AM  

  • Red, hey, glad to contribute!

    By Anonymous Joe Murphy, at 11:43 AM  

  • good article, but im pretty sure the minister of defense was the late reggie white

    By Anonymous graham diggity, at 2:24 PM  

  • Graham:

    Mike was the first "Minister of Defense." See Wikipedia for my source.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 2:45 PM  

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