Monday, January 22, 2007

Proud to Be an Okie from Muskogee

Haggard: The Only Okie Ever Honored With BearMeat's Medal of Freedom


We here at the BearMeat Editorial Offices make no bones about the way we feel about our neighbor to the north. We despise Okies. There, we said it. Descended from the greediest of all Anglos who decided to homestead on the shittiest land - already given to Native Americans following the Trail of Tears, you'd expect these Dust Bowlers to be vicious. Then we check the score on the Gentlemen Bears game against OU and find that they lost by 40 points! 91 - 51! Why is OK the bane of our existence this season? They stomped us in football, continued their dominance of the Lady Bears, and emasculated our effete men's team in Norman.



Courtney Paris: Her Weight Is Slightly Below
the Median Weight for Female Okie's


We are utterly confused by the concept of Oklahoma. Who are these people? What's with all the casinos? What the hell is "Okie Noodling" and why does OK law allow you to catch catfish with your thumbs? Why is their river and soil red?



The Red River: Proof of God's "Scorched Earth"
Policy North of Texas and South of Kansas



And another thing: why the hell is their beer only 3% Alc./Vol.? That law is about as dumb as South Carolina's "mini-bottles" liquor law. We must do something to save Oklahoma from itself - perhaps making the state a protectorate of Texas - or perhaps a federal district, like D.C., and that way we take away a few Congressmen and two (2!) Senators from a state of God-fearing, patriotic half-literate dullards.


The Trail of Tears: Oklahoma,
aka Indian Territory, Began With a Whimper

Now, I know a lot of BearMeat readers hail from Oklahoma and that they are saying to themselves, "Why does BearMeat hate Oklahoma so much?" The answer is simple: we are at war with Oklahoma - never in our 108 years of college football have we defeated the Sooners on the gridiron, so we cannot afford them the type of love and respect that we have shown for the Agriculturalists ("Gig This!") and the Texas University Shorthorns ("Saw 'Em Off"). While we have many Okie friends and believe that they are decent, hardworking people, we see no reason why such a people shouldn't be treated different by law, if possible, given their track record. We have proposed legislation that will be debated on the floor of the Texas Legislature which would establish an Apartheid system here in Texas, especially North Texas and the DFW area, that would separate Okies from Texans. God Bless and Sic 'Em!


The Wealthiest Woman in Oklahoma, circa 1937

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4 Comments:

  • Each and every employee of the B's athletic department should be forced to have "The Landgrabbers are Our Daddies" tattooed on his/her posterior, to be removed only after the B manages to beat OU in either football or men's basketball.

    I have already talked to the proprietor of Fat Cat's Tattoos, who is in the process of preparing a go-by.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:14 PM  

  • I think you forget that many of Baylor's finest hail from the great state of Oklahoma. Why are they Baylor's finest you ask? Well, because they come from Oklahoma of course!

    I'm from the Muskogee area though and will concede that it's a shit hole.

    By Anonymous MuskogeeBear, at 5:35 PM  

  • Like a baptism washing away sins, four years in Texas can make even the Okiest more human.

    By Blogger Judge Baylor, at 11:28 PM  

  • Yet the reverse is also true: four years in Oklahoma can turn a civilized Texan into a bonafide, barbaric Okie. All kidding aside, we appreciate all our Okie brethern, as long as they don the sacred green and gold.

    Sic 'Em!

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 11:36 PM  

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