Friday, December 29, 2006

An End of the Year Thought: Why Should 2007 Be Any Different?

I realize I previously stated that 2006 was the Year of the Bear. In actuality, it is the Year of the Dog, a very fitting moniker for another season of B football. The latest indignity we have had to suffer is the Kinne fiasco. We lost our top recruit to UT, after he had verbally and very publicly committed to us. That's bad enough, but the cherry on top is his dad is the linebackers coach for the B. We lost a kid that is the son of a coach. The worst part of it is, based on my knowledge of UT's roster, Kinne has almost no chance to ever start at Texas. You have to figure Colt is the man for the next three years unless he is hurt. He was very impressive for a freshman. Behind him is red-shirt frosh Sherrod Harris. Throw in John Chiles into the 2007 recruiting class, and it looks like Kinne would only have a chance to compete to start his final year at UT. Playing QB for Baylor must suck, but it has to be better than being on the bench your entire career. I would think so, but maybe not. He would have had the chance to be a 3-4 year starter at the B. He could still show his skills at the B, if he had any desire to go to the next level. Jay Cutler still managed to get drafted in the 1st round after playing at Vandy.

Last known image of G.K. Kinne preparing to play in a football game.

I bet this does wonders for our recruiting efforts. Hopefully, Kinne Sr. doesn't get sent on many home visits. I can see it now, parents wondering what to do and looking to Sr. for some assistance. "Coach Kinne, What do you think? What would you do in our place? What would you advise your son to do?"

I feel like this Bengals fan.

"I've been here before, look it an easy choice, Hook 'em. I'll tell Coach Morris you've made the right choice. He understands."

Bono's reponse to a reporter's question about Kinne's decision.

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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Texas Stadium = Floyd Casey

Breathe slowly, Pat.......Yes, I am talking to myself here. I have just been re-introduced to the horrible world that is microsoft. You shit-hole motherfuckers and your losing memory epoch. I honestly don't know what that word means because Firefox would have shown me the way to a guided light down a vocabulary IH-35. Instead you, microsoft, have delivered me a ruthless timetable upon my entire exsistence as a google blooger. OK, enough with my problems. Let's hit the Baylor circuit!

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Fuck!!!!!!! Once again MS Explorer has once again let me down! If this wasn't my in-laws pc, I would throw it in the trash like the last five minutes of the Bears vs. SWAC All-Stars Binge & Purge Playoffs.

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Also, I am fairly drunk due to the BearMeat Boxing Day Bonanza celebrations. If I could start a Christmas wish for next year right now, then # 1 on the list would be keyboard typing wands for my fat ass fingers. Unfortunately, we will have to discuss how the Parcells = GuyMo theory and how the forgotten, yet beloved, Waco Wizards motivate the Washington Wizards which in turn motivate the honorary Wacoan, Agent "Hibachi" Zero, next time. If that last sentence doesn't make sense...don't blame me....blame North Texas. Not the university; the piece of shit land north of Bellmead.

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If only Bears would kiss.

Happy, Sic 'em, holidays!

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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

BuffaloMeat: aka Szymanski Fodder

Well I decided that since I have been surfing the web for, let's say, 6.5 hours straight today that I should finally visit the Bears website. I wanted to visit the site earlier, but, FUCK!, it really annoys me for some reason. Ok a lot of reasons. First, the coloring is really, really horrible. The different variances of green is all over the place. CSTV goes from deep, brooding "gangsta" green all the way to silly, wacky "I've been in hibernation since the Denver Nuggets jersey from the '80s" green.

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Second, the banner is pretty weak. And by "pretty" weak I mean "Winnie-the-Pooh is pantless and has no balls" weak. At the center of the banner is the top of a semi-illuminated Pat Neffistopheles tower, of course lit up in our fourth tier away color: aqua marine. To the left is a cutting edge font giving Baylor the teeth and cahonies it lost after the A&M game. And to the far right is Bruiser preparing to take a swan dive out of the Baylor Line and hopefully onto some poor TCU waterschmuck.

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All this makes the traditional BU logo look almost tarnished. Thanks CSTV. You suck. However, please keep the All-Access live streams available. We don't get much live video often.

Oh yeah, at least we don't have a front page image of our mascots/cheerleading squad. Could it actually be true that if you wished for something so hard you would eventually get it? I bet these, uhhhh, ladies?, wanted to attend SMU and cheer for the Mustangs their whole lives. And now they resemble what they have been cheering for so wholeheartedly: hardy, feral horses.

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Anyway, I intended to write this post about Baylor's upcoming 2007 football schedule. Let's take a gander at our 4 mighty non-conference games:


One of these teams is not like the other. Sadly, I've been to Buffalo. The town and their industries located on their shit brown water suck. And apparently Buffalo football sucks. They remind me of our Steele and Roberts days. I like to call those my "Mescaline Drinking Days." Back to the non-con schedule, the B should win 3 of those. If we lose to Rice next year, then GuyMo will need to be reassessed.

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My "Mescaline Drinking Days" were not all gloom & glum!

We then begin our conference schedule at A&M, play the same three Big XII North teams as this year, and end at home against OKState. Pretty boring if you ask me. Soon we'll take a look at the 2008 - 2015 schedule. I imagine by 2015 we will have robotic football players. I think that was what Robert Sloan wanted. Right? Sic 'em.

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Baylor University Golden Wave Marching Band in the Year 2015

P.S. Props to Burnt Orange Nation for nominating BearMeat for "The Sports Fans Don't Cry Award." If they had a "Largest Livers" award, we could win it with our thumbs up our butts. I hate bragging, but it feels so good. Not the enlarged liver; the thumb thingy. Thanks, BON!

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The Education of Tweety Carter

Angola Avante!

Welcome to the official Central Texas Angolan Freedom Struggle Blog: BearMeat! We occupy a unique place as the only satirical Baylor sports blog owned and operated by Angolan investors. Our Angolan overlords have agreed to permit us a post on Tweety Carter, as long as it bears a Marxian imprint and is decidedly anti-imperialist. Another condition of theirs was that we agree to cease putting our Two Minnies lunches on the company account. This, however, is an insufferable condition. Now we have tasted the tyranny and oppression that our own Central Texas Warlord speaks so frequently of. However, when we don't comply, this is the last thing we see before being put in an Angolan Re-Education Camp:

No, Not The Rope Again!

So let us instead focus on Demond "Tweety" ("Top Shelf") Carter. Tweety was recently named Big12 Freshman of the Week for his 31 point, 7 3-ball performance against Syracuse. While the Gentlemen Bears struggled to compete against a school with such an illustrious legacy of moral character and dignity, Tweety showed the reason why is the all-time leading scorer in the HISTORY OF HIGH SCHOOL. The diminutive Carter is a true moral giant who chose the B for its Christian character - this is precisely the type of niche recruiting that we need to be doing - Africans, Finns, Aussies and Evangelicals. We here at BearMeat would be more than glad to put Scott Drew in touch with a few Angolan prospects that we have been forced to scout for BearMeat's majority shareholders. Nothing like AK-47s and machetes to make you focus on the game at hand.

Tweety is just the type of player we have been waiting for and we do believe that he will lead the Bears to the promised land (NCAAs) and will set the captives free of Angolan supremacy.


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Saturday, December 16, 2006

Waco High Lions & Brandon Dean Price

Dearest Readers:

We have obtained authorization from our Angolan overlords for one brief Saturday post. They have already restricted our whiskey lunches and sausage consumption by 50%, which they claim is a necessary wartime measure. Apparently Angola is at war. Regardless, as we adjust to the new power dynamic and strict dress code in the BearMeat Editorial Offices on the 13th Floor of the ALICO building, our thoughts have strayed from the Angolan struggle against global capitalist exploitation.

Let this brief post serve a two-fold purpose: 1) To herald the success of the Waco High Lions as they enter the TX State Championship Game next weekend!; and 2) To celebrate Brandon Dean Price, our most dedicated reader, who deserves recognition for his interactive approach to our blog.

1) Waco High Lions. For every setback that we experience in Waco, Texas, there is always a silver lining. This year, our very own Waco High Lions have gracefully demolished the opposition and are poised to restore the pride to our fair city where the Bears so miserably failed. Though the editorial board has squandered their majority shares of the blog on the B's bowl chances, we have gone "double or nothing" with our Angolan masters on Waco High's chances of bringing the trophy back to McLennan County. Now the Lions just have to cover the spread . . .

2) Brandon Dean Price. BDP, if you're reading this, and we know you are, then we want to extend our heartfelt thanks for your continued support of BearMeat. You have been courted by many blogs and have a sordid history, but we love you no matter what the others say. In your honor, we are inaugurating the Brandon Dean Price Angolan Medal of Freedom for the Baylor player who best exemplifies the values and struggle of the people of Angola. The first annual recipient is none other that Boerne's own, Josh Lomers, aka the Slum Lord, for his role as solid backup to the Mayor, aka Polyglot, Mamadou Diene, and for his gangly, awkward Ostertag-esque potential.

Angola Avante! (the sub-Saharan African "Sic 'Em")

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Friday, December 15, 2006

Viva Angola! Ill-Advised Bets Lead to Angolan Takeover

[Pending ongoing litigation in the 170th District Court of McLennan County, this BearMeat post is brought to you by the Republic of Angola.]

Ahh . . . Now that I'm nice and rested after that brief hibernation during the three weeks of Winter that we just had here in Waco, I'm ready to recap.

1. B Football. This year's theme was: "As I Lay Dying." Talk about disappointing. The record three (3) Big12 wins were surprising and encouraging. Were it not for Shawn Bell's ACL injury, we very well might have been bowl bound. Sadly, his injury left us with yet another cursed season, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. The sheer potential for redemption this year had many a BearMeat editor gamble enormous amounts of BearMeat stock on our bowl chances. The failure to make even the lowliest of the low bowls now means that the new majority shareholder in our humble site is the Republic of Angola (Our new motto: "Angola Avante!").

How many Angolares did we lose on that bet?

In a last ditch effort to prevent this foreign investment in the Waco economy, the Editorial Board has been staying up nights attempting to organize a bowl game that pits the two worst teams in D1 Football against each other. The WacoWeDoBowl, sponsored in conjunction with the scandal-ridden Waco Chamber of Commerce, will feature our Bears versus the Duke Blue Devils. We are currently in negotiations with multiple Waco-area businesses to sponsor this affair: Mama & Papa B's BBQ, Graham Central Station, and Scruffy Murphy's. If you would like to sponsor or cater this event, please contact the BearMeat Editorial Board immediately. If we can host this bowl before January 1, 2007, we can stop the takeover by the Angolans. Call your Congressman immediately and help keep Angolan investment from reviving our community. If only Chet could speak!

Waco: We Do Absurd Bowl Matchups
to Avoid Angolan Control of Our Economy

Danny Boy Sepulveda's 2nd Ray Guy was in line with our predictions, but is sort of a sad comment on BU Pigskin - we have the best player in the NCAA at the position that you never want to have to use: The Punter. At least we can lay claim to possibly the greatest punter in NCAA history. Also, JoePaw showed us that we've got ourselves a linebacker that can play with the big boys and may have an NFL shot if things continue to develop. Farewell to all our Beloved Bears: CJ, Zeigler, Shelton, Shelton's Dad, Bell, Sepulveda, Arline, etc. We loved you all.

2. Lady Bears Hoops. Mulk & Co. are truly holding their own in the Top 10. My fellow Editors have been covering this rather well, but I just want to add that though we lost San Antonio Silver Star All-Star Sophia Young, we are still competing at our Mulk-tastic level. We need a theme for this season. The nicknames proposed by the Good Judge were right on track. Here are three proposals for this season's theme:

LadyBear Hoops: 50% Less Fat than OU's Frontcourt

LadyBears 2006-2007: Our Head Coach is a Methodist!

Lady Bears: Emily Niemann Must Die!

Niemann, BearMeat's Benedict Arnold,
Single-Handedly Ended Our Back-To-Back Title Bid

3. Gentleman Bears Hoops. With Tweety, the Slumlord, the Emu, SubZero, the Mayor, Thick Dick & Co., the Gentleman Bears have a shot at winning it all this year. Having personally witnessed the Bears give the mighty Gamecocks a scare at the Will Ferrell Center in front of a near-capacity crowd of 4,002 slightly disinterested "fans," I know what this team is capable of: FinalFour. So here are a few potential themes for this season:

ManBears: We Have a Cheap Foreign Labor Supply That Will Destroy Your Manufacturing Base

ManBears: We Represent Four Continents But Share One Faith - Three Pointers

ManBears: Our Angolan Overlords Run 12-Hour Practice Sessions Enforced by AK-47 Toting Mercenaries (Catchy, isn't it?)

BearMeat: We Support Our Troops!

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Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Bear Rants!

Howdy, y'all. Sorry about the lack of any BearMeat nuggets recently. Reddin Andrews was last seen four weeks ago walking buck naked into the Cameron Park nether regions. He is still really upset about how the football season ended. I thought maybe that the news of Daniel Sepulveda being named the NCAA's best punter ever would lead him out of the wilderness and back into our hearts. But I guess if you leave all your possessions behind then you have no real way to learn of such news. If only the trees could talk.

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And my boy, Judge Baylor, has been in many fits and rages lately. Over the weekend the good Judge threw his laptop into his coy pond damaging not only the PC but his prized fish: Larry the Cable Coy, estimated value at $1.2 million English pounds. Why would he do such a thing, you ask? Baylor men's sports of course. This past weekend's loss was eerily reminiscent of how many football games went this year. I have created a mathematical formula to explain this better. Because math makes things easier.

The B boys = (1/2 good)(3/8 bad)(1/8 Charlotte Bobcats bad)

Now this formula is not always set in stone. At the end of the the B's football season I would have replaced the Charlotte Bobcats with the '52 Pittsburgh Pirates.

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Who Knew that Judge Baylor was so Androgynous?

Anyway, I do have a legitimate question. If anybody can help me out with this then please feel free to tell me. Who is this in the picture below? I assume that it is "Emu" Bruce, but when did homeboy start aging so rapidly? He looks more like he should be on the casting couch for The Island of Dr. Moreau 2: Melbourne Bound. And the headband? Trust me, I am all about headbands, but that's a pretty weak one. Anyways, please help a brother out here. I need explanations. Unless he has Bloom Syndrome. I don't want to hear about accelerated aging and death. Let's talk later. Sic 'em.

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Thursday, December 07, 2006

GameCockMeat: Show 'em Your Oh-Face, K-Rodge

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The slumbering beast that is Baylor men's basketball will rise from it's posh lair filled with golden creampuffs, chocolate rivers, peppermint paved streets, carmel coated Bearkats and Bobcats, slow churned vanilla bean snowflakes, and a replica of the Petronas Twin Towers made entirely out of rum balls to battle the spirited and colorful Gamecocks from South Carolina. I will try to rise above making jokes and crass comments about their nickname and associated history with said nickname. But that's like telling Cap'n Crunch to keep his grubby little hands off his Able Seamen. It's hard.

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First and foremost, as I have mentioned here before, good for you, Baylor, for scheduling some tougher games. This is not football. Teams are actually rewarded for playing quality games. Also, Baylor will need these games for preparation. The B's first conference game this season will be at Stillwater with a second Big XII game 3 days later against the Agrics, so it's pretty obvious that these next two games (the second game being at Syracuse) will help to prepare the boys for some rough waters ahead.

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I honestly can't tell you which one of these dudes is Eddie Sutton

Let's look at some 'Cock facts. These fellas are back to back NIT Champions, a feat that has been unaccomplished for over 60 years. Their coach is the sprightly Dave Odom, a coach that I have liked since his Wake Forest days. My second fave southern baptist institution. USC is coming off an alright start to the season so far. They have a good win with an OT victory at the west coast USC, but lost a recent game big to their heated rival Clemson. Blah, blah, blah, hell with analysis; it's not my forte. Time to concern myself with a topic near and dear to me.

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Cockfighting! Hell yeah! Alas, I am stuck in one of the 48 states that outlaws this historically undervalued blood sport. Fortunately though, my state is sandwiched between two lovers of all that is cockfightin': New Mexico and Louisiana. Every Friday afternoon I load up my Subaru BRAT with my fiercest Gallitos and head out to the bright lights of Lousiana or to the dimming skyline of New Mexico. I can't think of anything better in life than lounging on the AstroTurf of my BRAT with nothing but frosty cold Olympias and the symphonic sounds of cockspurs ringing out in the night's air...Swordsmanship of the South.

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"Pat Neffistopheles with 'Gentle' Ben Becker" acrylic on canvas

As a true Baylor Bear, I have named my fiercest fighter "Gentle" Ben Becker...a misnomer, indeed. However, like his namesake, Gentle Ben can overhead smash an opponent with his cockspur, splaying bones and brains across the arena while doubling the size of a gambling hobo's bindle. To the downtrodden, Gentle Ben is simply known as "The Infant of Prague."

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L'Enfant de Prague?

In conclusion, sic 'em Bears.


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

BearKatMeat: What the Eff is a BearKat

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Take deux. The ladies are poppin' a binge again. In the immortal words of ex-Baylor baller, Jody Conradt, "these girls make me hungry!" I don't know or really care if the photo above is from last night's demolition, but once again the ladies love to hammer out the victory and start the party in front of the crowd and opposing team. I know last time I berated the showboating...but now I like it. I think it's because this picture is different. This photo portrays a close team; a touchy-feely team; an alluring team. Of course, when you got Kaitlin "Don't Call Me Hoberg" Oberg in what seems to be the foreshadowing of a delicate yet rugged relationship involving sandwiched positions, then I think we have a good thing.

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Bear like sandwich!

But enough with my conceited thoughts. Let's get down to the real business of explaining and detailing what exactly a Bearkat is. To put it frankly, it's was hard task to take on. But I'm a BearMeat guy, and a BM guy is meticulously molded and sculpted into a thorough researcher and all-around Hardy Boy. Ladies love BM; scholars worship BM. It's a good life.

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Anyway, my first lead regarding the mysterious Bearkat started at Immediately upon entering said site, I recoiled in terror and pain as my retinas were tattooed with a color as frightening a Bearkat? If the Shorthorns' color is burnt orange, then I would have to say that the Bearkats' color is more of a putrid orange, a very...bad orange, a "eat a whole pumpkin while chugging Lone Stars with Red Bull and take a deuce on a Pi Phi's doormat" orange. Somehow I fought through that, as BM would, and came upon a little blurb in a timeline about Bearkat athletic history:

April 1, 1923 - Sam Houston State joins the Texas Intercollegiate Athletic Association (TIAA), its first intercollegiate athletics conference affiliation. During the 1923 season, Sam Houston adopts "Bearkats" as the nickname for its athletic teams. The name comes from a slogan of the time "tough as a Bearkat!" The spelling with a "k" instead of a "c" denotes a mythical creature.

Wow! Awesome! I want to be a "mythical creature!" If I had known about this years before, who knows what powers I could be wielding today. Thunderbolts! Throwing Hammers! Lizards Embedded With Firecrackers! Sticks With A Little Dog Poo On The End!

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First Known Drawing of a Bearkat, circa 705 B.C.

I was pretty much set to believe, until I visited my number one go-to site for information and infotainment, This shit will blow you away. Not only did I find a definition of Bearkat; I found the meaning of Bearkatt! According to Sam Houston State logic, the extra "t" means extra mystical; therefore extra accurate! Behold:

1. Bearkatt

A large, fat, hairy, t-rex like short armed, fat jimmy dean sausage fingered, man-like teenage creature. Lives off Ranch Dressing, wears capri sweatpants, mismatched socks, wears a dirty stained jersey, and bathes up to 2 times per week.

Oh my god that is one quart of Ranch on your burger, you are fat Bearkatt.

"Dibs on the Ranch." (Bearkatt)

Stop pouring gravy up your nose Bearkatt.

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Perfect! Now this is what I envision when I think of Sam Houston State, Hunstville, TX and East Texas in general.

Oh yeah, the Bears won 117-50 against the Bearkats and set a new school record for most points scored. Rumor is that "Mulkey" is the mythical spelling for Jezebel...Tom Robbins' Jezebel that is.

Sic 'em Lady Bears.


Friday, December 01, 2006

CorpusPorpoiseMeat: Islanders in the Stream; That is What We Are

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Are you kidding me!?! You barely beat A&M-Corpus Christie, and you are celebrating like that!?! Home-skillet, #15, Jhasmin "Don't Hate The" Player, is flashing her school name and showing her grill like Baylor just beat Maryland in the Final Four. Damn, that mouth is flip-top material, Gentlemen! Let's not forget to judge the background baller, #44, Kaitlin "Don't Call Me Hoberg" Oberg. She's giving the "Hey-hey; Wuz Up; Still got my warm-ups on" posturing to:
A) the tired out and frustrated A&M-CC bench
B) her baby's poppa, aka John Morris
C) Sonny T's Titty Committee (yes, we're board members)
or D) none of the above - she's just happy to be on the court after scoring 1 point in 11 minutes this season and is taunting the actual bench she "de"rides. (I freebase puns in my spare time)

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I'm assuming the Bears were loooking forward to their next contest; thus the 40% field goal and 0-7 three point night. Oh wait, scratch that, we're playing Southeast Missouri next. Maybe instead our team was looking forward to poppin 'n' lockin on the Thursday night dance floor with 50 cent well drinks and fine lookin', grooved cut men (or women) at Graham Central Station.

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I know I'm being a little rough on the ladies. But they are BearMeat's gospel; they are our perfection; they are our Mary Magdalene. Mishaps, missteps, mistakes? The football team - yeah. The ladies - no.
Sic 'em.