Thursday, November 30, 2006

How Long Must Africa Suffer?

Africa just can't catch a break. Just when you think they are getting out from under the oppresive yoke of colonialism, apartheid, and Idi Amin, another tradegy has befallen them. The CEO, aka Djibril Thiam, tore his ACL and is out for the season. Hopefully he can get a medical redshirt and still play a full four years at the B.

Forest Whitaker playing Idi Amin playing Mel Gibson in Braveheat.

The effects were felt immediately in Senegal. The CFA Franc, Senegal's currency, exchange rate dropped 20% and President Abdoulaye Wade declared December to be a national month of mourning. And in a nearly unprecented move there is also talk of delaying next year's Ramadan for only the second time for a sports-related injury.


The B's Men's B-Ball Team Nicknames: Part 2 Return to Endor

Patrick "JuCo" Fields

Vowed to Coach Drew upon arriving on campus to take a dump on anyone who dared to guard him. Pictured above making good on his promise.

Tim "Big Easy" Bush

As comfortable banging in the post as he is clearing the lane to the Golden Corral buffet.

Mark "Code Name: Mr. Intangibles" Shepherd

Every team has at least one. Often described by tv commentors as a "hustler," a "coach's player," a "character player," or "smart."

Josh "The Slum Lord" Lomers or "Big Boy Boerne"

Sadly this nickname is unrelated to basketball. The Slum Lord actually owns several rat-infested properties off Colcord Avenue. Sic 'em?

Demond Tweety "Top Shelf"Carter

Tweety is a gentleman of refined tastes with an ability to take and make great shots. One sip of Oban Single Malt Scotch 32 Year and he'll be draining deep threes all night long.

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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

CreamPuffMeat: Bears are the Class of the SWAC

During our annual Saturday Night at Sonny T's Thanksgiving Feast, the BearMeat editorial staff collectively put our fattened heads together and tried to conjure up a preview of the Alcorn State game. Unfortunately, the only idea that came up was that the word "corn" was in their name. Thanks, Judge Baylor, really helpful. But I can assure you that his mind was elsewhere as his "can o' corn" was being soothed and celebrated by Desiree, dressed up as always as a lovely Plymouth Colony Tart with a new-school g-string twist. However, our efforts were not fruitless.

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We sobered up long enough to notice that the Gentlemen Bears are on a crash course to seize the first ever Historically Black Colleges and Universities Commander in Chief's Trophy, aka the Southern World Cup. As of today, we are a commanding 2 and 0 versus the esteemed Southwestern Athletic Conference. But let's not sell the B's schedule short quite yet. We got ourselves a massive sweet tooth, and soon we will be feasting on the Ho-Hos and Zingers from the SWAC: Grambling and, eventually, Prairie View A&M.

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Our non-conference schedule is filled with a "Who's Who" list from the nether regions of the RPI poll. Grambling and Texas State, are respectively situated at 230 and 308. The two before that: Texas Southern University at 196 and Alcorn State at 320. Thankfully, our 2012 mission to play both TSU schools will be accomplished. By the way, is it just me, or did Texas Southern really come out on the raw end on that one? As C.J. would say..."Fuck da Republic!"

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Then it's a trip to the dentist, Bears. Make sure your fly is zipped up. South Carolina should be a good match-up with them coming in at 131 in the RPI poll. Then a game at Syracuse should be a real test, like our Gonzaga loss. The 'Cuse are currently sitting at 31 in the RPI and a top twenty team according to the chodes at the Associated Press. I like these games. The Bears might lose both, but it still will add some quality playing time and character growth for the young cubs on the team.

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Then we head back to the Willy Wonka buffet line and take on the aforementioned Prairie View A&M, North Carolina A&T, Delaware State and Centenary. Shit, if the B's non-conference football schedule was this weak, we might have made it to the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. A real bowl game, indeed.

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Anyway, I'm not asking to load the non-conference schedule with only ACC and Big Ten teams. But I do feel like the Bears could have scheduled some more quality games that would have prepared the team better for Big XII play. But really, what the hell do we know? At the BearMeat Post Thanksgiving Sunday Brunch sheltered deep within the West Bank of Poppa Rollo's Pizza, Inc., we made a consensus decision regarding this new basketball season. The Ferrell Center looks like a giant golden titty from the sky. Methinks there is no coincidence that the largest crowd at the Ferrell Center was for the Lady Bears. Sic the Swac, Gentlemen.

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Saturday, November 25, 2006

Victories Outpacing Posts

The women's team keeps on winning and it's hard to keep up. First, there was the win against Pokey's LSU team. I know Mulk loved that one. Nothing quite like putting Pokémon in her place, which is somewhere beneath Meowth, whose only attribute is the ability to leave droppings in a litterbox with 75% accuracy. Then they were off to the Bahamas to beat up on UCF by 30. I'm glad Mulk is getting herself a much deserved in-season working vacation. Even Mulk's vacations involve winning tourneys. I think next month should feature a tour of Europe. Nothing is too good for Mulk and the Mulkites. Bring on South Dakota State.

Mulk during pregame warmups.

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

2006 Baylor Football Postseason Awards Banquet

Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Pat Neffistopheles' Fourth Annual Baylor Football Postseason Awards Banquet. As always, the buffet costs $2.99/lb, no children under 21 allowed and the bar is as wide open as our secondary. Hey-Ohhh!!!! I would like to thank the Baylor Regents for coming out. How about a round of mint juleps for these kind southern white men. Where would our fine republic be without you, Gents? That's rhetorical, C.J.

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Let's get started! Our first presenter is also presenting the award named after him. How awkward! Let's give a big warm welcome to a carefree man with a big heart and even bigger man-breasts...Bobby Jay Sloan!

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Evenin' folks. The winner of the fourth annual Bobby Jay Sloan Award for Ineptitude and Ignorance goes to...drumroll, please...Travis Farst, Chad Smith, Will Blaylock, Dan Gay and Jason Smith!! The offensive line! Way to go guys! Just like me, you were able to deceive people into believing that you could foster growth and nurture change with your knowledge and your mighty man-breasts. However, when times got tough and teams even tougher, you laid yourself down and cowered before stronger men. Fortunately for you, I have scholarships available at HBU. Hell, you guys already play like you're NAIA quality. Join the Huskies!...unless you're gay.

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"One of these days...POW! I'll hike it to da moon!"

Well, thank you Bobby for that quality Sloan charm. As a suck. As a make thousands suck. As a Christian...may you overcome your hypocrisy.

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You may not recognize our next presenter behind the Hannibal Lecter restraint mask, but let's give a hearty welcome back to Dave "The Animal" Bliss!

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Ouch! I haven't had such a cold reception like that since I took a dump sitting before the NCAA Infractions Committee. Anywho, the winner of the 2006 Harry Miller Award for Excellence in Violations goes to...Terrance Parks!! Terrance has gone over and beyond with his behaviour. I assume he tipped the cup back one too many times, grabbed a fat blunt and started waving his glocks in the air (the audience screams back) "like he just don't care!" Come on party people, the After Party will be at my place, still completely furnished with a full bar, glass piano, stripper poles and heaping mounds of cocaine. All funded by my mega Baylor Bucks. Tom Stanton is a god! Back to you Pat Meth!

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BearMeat Editorial Staff at a "Crazy" Dave Bliss party

Thanks, Davey! By the way, let's keep that nickname on the lowdown. Let me tell you folks, that man really knows how to throw down the party. Bliss-ful, John Lucas Tre' and his father were known as the Bear Trinity of Boozin'. Little known fact, you can't buy a hooker by sliding your Baylor I.D. up and down her ass crack.

Anyway, the show must go on! Our next and last presenter for the evening is "Commander" Cody Carlson!

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Thank you, the winner of the 2006 Grant Teaff MVP Award goes to....Daniel "Sepultura" Sepulveda! Daniel has won this award four years running! It's amazing! Women swoon, men weep, children whimper, dogs and cats become friends...this man, no, demigod controls the ebb and flow of the entire season for the Bears. Unfortunately, his years with us are over. May the grace of Guy give us a punter who is at least half the football player that you are. Enjoy your new Sunday job. You make the B and her fans proud!

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Thank you folks for coming the show, not the closet, Sloaney!!! We'll see you all after the basketball season. Good night!

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BearMeat parties so hard, even our cat passes out.

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Monday, November 20, 2006

A Sloppy Night of too Many Boilermakers

The team showed their youth last night. Even when a Mulk team loses you can still see the positives. The team never game up. They cut the deficit to four after being down 14 at the half. They continued to hustle and fight. They turned the ball over too much and shot threes as a first option too often, but that will change with experience. I think this Boilermaker team is really solid. Certainly there is no shame in losing to an experienced team of this caliber. Enjoy your victory Boilermakers because Mulk doesn't sleep and she is already developing a strategy to defeat you the next time you meet.

Little Aristotle dropping some knowledge.

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Southern Comfort: Where the Winning Is Easy

The game against Texas Southern is over and it went the way it should. The B won by 24. This was a nice game to have after getting hammered by the Zags. Although, I am concerned with our shooting struggles. The Emu has followed up his 0-12 game with a 3-9. Hopefully he can find his stroke in the next couple of weeks. The next few weeks are filled with three easy games and then tough matchups against the GameCocks and the Orange. After that it is more filler and then conference play. I think we should be no worse than 11-3 heading into the first Big 12 game. I'd like to see 10 conference wins, but 7-9 in probably more realistic. Either way, that is a step in the right direction.

CSU players laying hands on the Emu to heal his shooting touch.

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Saturday, November 18, 2006

The Best Nickname Ever?

The B plays the Purdue Boilermakers on Sunday for the Preseason WNIT Championship. I was ecstatic to discover a university willing to have a delicious beer/whiskey combo for their nickname. I have personally sent no fewer than a dozen letters to Bobby Sloan imploring him to alter our name to the Baylor Black and Tans. Yeah I know, it's awesome. Just another reason why Dr. Bobby got his pink slip. The Boilermakers are ranked #12 in the country. This will be another great, early test for Mulk's young team. I predict the froshmeat will continue to shine. Little Aristotle will add to her already record performance of 15 blocks in the WNIT. She has already shattered the Paris of Oklahoma's, i.e. Tulsa's, record with a game to go. Escalade will continue to hit from downtown and the others will continue to learn from Mulk. Tisdale will control the game and Mosby will be an unstoppable lowpost force. This is the 1st time these teams have ever met, so I expect Mulk to will try to make this a message game. The message being, don't play Baylor.

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SoonerMeat: Live Bloggin'

Hello and welcome back. Let me get right to my theory/hypothesis. Blake Szymanski aka the Polish Pony aka the Wichita Wizard is the slightly more retarded brother of Bruce Gradkowski, Chris Simms' replacement at Tampa Bay. This "Rod and Todd Flanders" of the football world have helped to continue the doldrums of two great institutions, the Bears and Buccaneers. Of course the fault does not lie alone with these two eastern European brethren. Upon seeing Blake's 5th sack of the day, the offensive line, especially our center, have failed to come back from vacation since the first fucked up snap in the Texas Tech game. My prostate has more character and talent than that line. Our male cheerleaders are bigger stars than this team. The B have given up and so have I. Thank God it is the end of the year. Where will we be next year? Will Blake and Bruce reunite while performing the "Eiffel Tower" on the town whore? Is Corky our center? Should Guy Morriss switch back to the Oakleys? Can we blame this season on Ray-Ban? I gotta go. Where's the porn?

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Friday, November 17, 2006

Oh Yeah: OU Is Coming to Town

I know there is a football game this weekend. I know it is against the Boomers. Normally, that would inspire a vitriolic post attacking the people of Oklahoma and North Texas folks who sympathize with them. But I just can't do it. I hope Baylor plays well and wins. My guess is the Okies will dominate the B on both sides of the ball. The Okies are well coached, so I doubt they will be down enough to not destroy us. The season is definitely ending with a whimper. I will review the entire season later. I need to get away from the immediate disappoint of this season before I can assess the state of Baylor's football program. I shouldn't get too down, at least I'm not from Oklahoma.

Okies tailgating.

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

Rolling on the Cougs: Thank You Gainsville

Well it looks like the team was ready to play tonight. Mulk's nearly flawless gameplan (Mormonism is still safe for the moment) directed the B to a beautiful victory. They played great, smart pressure defense and had their way on offense. Mosby reminds me of Sophia. I didn't realize that we had such an incredible player transfer in. It's perfect because she can provide leadership to a young, talented team. Also, big ups to Escalade. I know it is early, but I believe this team will go deep into the tournament. Mulk will have them playing their best in March. It still amazes me what Mulk has done at Baylor. She is such a talented coach that it is almost incomprehensible she ended up here. We must do everything in our power to keep her around until she retires. I think Coach Mulk Court should be in the pipeline.

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The Baptists v. Mormons

The B v. BYU. BYU upset Stanford for a chance to play on the same court as the Mulkites. This game is about more than basketball. Its about proving once and for all that as crazy as Baylor is, we are no BYU. Mukley has a gameplan that will not only lead to victory but disapprove Mormonism once and for all. How do you disprove something based on faith? Don't ask me, I'm not Mulk.

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Still Perfect: We Never Even Had to Worry

Thankfully the men's team kept their perfect record on national television intact tonight. I thought this might be a breakout performance that would launch them to prominence, but it wasn't. I'm going to cut the team some slack because I believe they were tired. I think they left it all on the court last night and didn't have enough to make tonight's game competitive. And let's make no bones about it, the final nine point spread doesn't due justice to the Zags dominance. The B was never a threat, not from the opening minutes until the clock ran out. Bruce passed the ball well and played good defense, but his shooting was atrocious. No one stepped up to fill that void and that was it for the B. The Zags aren't a defensive team, so I'll assume it was fatigue that keep the ball out of the hoop and all the loose balls ending up in the Zags hands. That's ok. There will be plenty of opportunities to show what kind of team they are once the conference season begins.

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I Heart Pie: Shepherd and Bush Save the Day

Wow. I just finished listening to the B/CSU double OT thriller. That was a great game. Dugat was sublime. But the real credit has to go to Tim Bush and Mark Shepherd. After Diene and Lomars fouled out, they both stepped in, and despite being undersized, controlled the inside enough to eke out a win. This victory is even bigger because it means we get to play on ESPN 2 tomorrow. You know, national tv, not the FSN regional affiliate.* We play the winner of the Zags/Rice bracket. I'm guessing the Zags, even without Sergeant Awesome, will win. Win that one and we will be off to NYC for the NIT semis. I hope the team has something left for tomorrow. At least Diene and Lomars should be rested.

*Thanks FSN, no disrespect intended. I really appreciate what you do, but if we want to recruit on both coasts, we have to be seen on both coasts.

Dugat literally riding Bush to victory.


A New World Order: Meet the Women's FroshMeat

There are a lot of new players on this team. Get to know them, they'll be ensuring the B's basketball prominence for years.

Latara "Escalade" Darrett
When asked about her dream car she responded, "...Escalade, white one, on 24's." Not only is she a top 15 prospect, but she said no to a UConn scholarship to come play in the H.O.T. Wealthy Okie-like alumni take note she likes Escalades, let's see what you can do about it.

Danielle "Little Aristotle" Wilson

When Little Aristotle was questioned about why she is always so clutch she proffered this quote, "Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting a particular become just by performing just actions, temperate by performing temperate actions, brave by performing brave actions."

Jessika "California Dreaming" Bradley

When asked what her first chapel experience was like Cali said:
Stopped into a church
I passed along the way
Oh, I got down on my knees
And I pretend to pray...

Haylee "Mini-Mulk" Abbe

Lettered in five sports and was class valedictorian. Nice start, but you need two titles and a olympic gold in the next four years to measure up. Good luck. May the Mulk be with you.

Whitney "Laissez Les Bons Temps Rouler" Jones, aka Bon-Bon

If there is one thing Mulk knows better than wining, it is the state of Louisiana. Bon-Bon is the only B player from La. on the squad, so my guess is she is one of the best.

Kaitlin "The Baptist" Oberg
During a high school game at St. John the Baptist, she played so beautifully that, according to the Canonical Gospels i.e. Page Six, her league's commissioner foolishly offered her anything she requested, so she asked for the opposing forward's head on a silver platter, and thus Claire was beheaded.

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Sunday, November 12, 2006

The B's Men's B-Ball Team Nicknames: Part 1

Basketball players must have nicknames. Unlike a game like football where the players are hidden under equipment, a basketball player's expressions and emotions are totally exposed. The game allows for large personalities and entertaining nicknames. Some are obvious, some are earned, and others must be grown into. With that in mind let's go to the nicknames:

Jair "Finnegan's Wake" Vanttaja
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There is the obvious Finnish connection, but more importantly there is the way his game subtlely, if not incomprehensibly reminds us of the comical resurrection of humanity and the cycle of life.

Aaron "The Emu" Bruce
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I figure this one doesn't require much of an explanation, being that he's from Australia. This description from Wikipedia ought to clear up any questions:

Emus can travel great distances at a fast, economical trot and, if necessary, can sprint at 50 km/h (31 mph) for some distance at a time. They are opportunistically nomadic and may travel long distances to find food; they feed on a variety of plants and insects.

Richard "Thick Dick" Hurd
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His name is Richard and during interviews he loves to lay it on thick.

Kevin "Get Out of My Neighborhood" Rogers
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Just like Mr. Rogers, Kevin enjoys sneakers, cardigans, and swatting weak shots into the tenth row.

Djibril "CEO" Thiam
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He's a dual major in pre-business and thunder dunks.

Mamadou "Polyglot" Diene
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In addition to English, French and Wolof, Diane speaks the universal language of sharp elbows.

Curtis "SubZero" Jerrells
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An ice-cold shooter and distributor. Like his Mortal Kombat brethren, his fatality move involves ripping opponents' heads and spinal cords from their shoulders.

Carl "Waco the Kid" Sims
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He's game exemplifies the duality of Waco, both its modernity and its embrace of traditional values.

Henry "Aphrodisiac" Dugat
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He can make is soft and sweet, or rough, either way watch your rim.

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Saturday, November 11, 2006

Welcome Back Baby, To The Poor Side of Town


It's been a while. On behalf of the rest of the Big12, we welcome you back to competing at our level again. After 20+ consecutive wins against conference opponents, its always nice to remember where you came from. Like Icarus, you have flown too close to the sun and have come crashing back to earth. Perhaps Mack's geriatric jumpsuit was a bad omen.

Perhaps Colt McCoy, following in the trailblazing footsteps of Shawn "The Caesar of China Spring" Bell, decided that the Heisman pressure was too much and would bow out with an "injury." Perhaps, K-State's offense was just too much to handle. When they dropped 3 points on the B earlier this season, we were shaken to the core. At least the loss came to a noble opponent. Also, this "new" Texas team, sans VY, sans Colt "45" McCoy, aka Blake "Stem Cell" Szymanksi's twin brother, reminds us of a more mortal era in TU pigskin, when another QB with an unusual name helped TU remain a regional powerhouse always on the cusp of achieving greatness. Those days are back.

You heard it here first folks: Jevan Snead is the next Major Applewhite!

He can hunt deer, but can he hunt Wildcat?

Like Haley's Comet, a Major Applewhite comes but once in a lifetime.

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