Monday, October 30, 2006

AgricMeat: The Most Forbidden Meat

The primary problem with a dry stadium is one invariably loses one’s buzz, carefully achieved through a dedicated afternoon of imbibing Olympia, sometime in the 4th quarter. The advancing sleepiness and headache on Saturday left me pining for George’s tent or my trusty flask filled with Grade A bathtub hooch. I couldn’t see the game in the tent and the flask had been badly damaged during an unfortunate incident the previous evening involving a crossbow, Pat’s lucky horse, and 12ft of industrial grade twine. The details are unimportant, but the crux of it is I won the bet.

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Immediate, ice-cold succor was a must and having no desire to be around humanity I decided I had no choice but to go to Scruffs. I went around to the back of Scruffs and prepared myself to make my usual crowd-pleasing, cover-avoiding entrance, by scaling the fence. I caught the eye of my fellow patrons and awe inspired chatter could be overheard, “A drunk hobo is climbing over the fence. I’m going inside.”

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Being stone cold sober on this occasion, I leaped over the fence in a matter of seconds and sprung on the table below, knocking over several full beers on impact. To my surprise, the group at the table did not appreciate this athletic display and quickly spewed vulgarities. I apologized profusely, gathered my faculties and said, “I am terribly sorry, I will refresh all your drinks. What does everyone want?” They seemed to calm down and begin telling me some nonsense about what they were drinking, which I promptly ignored. I then moved inside to the bar and order 3 beers and 3 shots of whiskey, and then made a beeline to the handicapped bathroom. I went in, locked the door and finished off my drinks.

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I must have dozed off because the next thing I realized was someone was pounding on the door demanding entrance. A decision would need to be made. Should I open the door to quench my thirst, thereby forfeiting my prime bar seat, or wait it out? I opened the door. It was my old nemesis, the bouncer. “What the hell were you doing in here for two hours?” He always asked cryptic questions.
“You’ve got the wrong guy, friend. I just got here; you’re looking for an Agric. He went out back.” His fist unclenched so I assumed he had bought it. “Stay out of the bathroom or I’m going to throw you out again.”
“Sure, sure pal, I’m just here to have a drink.”

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I walked up to the bar, and that’s when I spotted her. Well, actually first I spotted the maroon shirt she was wearing and suppressed the urge to vomit. I kept looking; she was an Agric, no doubt about it. She was drinking, the lady’s choice, a tequila shot chased by whiskey. She was surrounded by Agrics, no doubt celebrating their victory, before having to mount their wagons and returning to their crops before dawn. I wished to approach her but was afraid her clan would fly into a blind rage and trample me with their hooves.

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I took a sip of liquid courage and sidled up next to her. We made eye contact for the first time. Or rather, I craned my neck upwards to look into those perfect, soft, canary eyes. She was no less than 6’9” and was filled out like LBJ (the basketball player not the President). I did what any other man would do in my place. I unhesitatingly said,” It’s not that I think bestiality is inherently wrong, but rather it’s an issue of consent.” I figured I would show them I was sympathetic to their causes. She stared at me slightly befuddled, and then without warning extended her enormous paw and pulled my head to her as if she were about to take a bite of an apple. It was the end, exactly as I always imagined it, being devoured by a horde of Agrics at Scruffs.

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But instead I soon discovered that far from eating me, she was attempting to navigate her tongue around my still tightly gritted teeth. Realizing I was no longer in danger, I succumbed and was soon wrestling the most gargantuan, technically gifted tongue I had ever encountered. I would make a move, believing I had bested her, only to discover she was three moves ahead of me. It required such exertion to keep up with her that I soon discovered the only thing that kept me from toppling over were her hands greedily cupping my ample backside. This continued to the point that I was so dizzy that I believed I would loose consciousness. Then it stopped and I was being foisted into her arms like a suckling baby. I knew resistance was futile so I indicated with barely audible whispers the directions to my home.

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My natural modesty will prohibit me from relaying the most intimate details of the marathon evening, but I wish to share an outline of the happenings. Her loving was as ample as her proportions. I awoke two days later dehydrated with bruised thighs, a pulled hamstring and extreme exhaustion. I did not get her name or license plate number. All that was left was the most adorable size 18 boots in the world. I am still weak and recovering, clutching the rolling pin like a security blanket, counting the minutes until this interminable convalescence is over. Once I recover, I will load up my trusty steed, get all necessary shots and descend into the lion’s den that is College Station. The journey will be long, but the reward great. I will find my true love and return peace to the Brazos Valley.

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Sunday, October 29, 2006

For Whom the Bell Tolls: BearMeat Salutes Our General

Well, it's official. Shawn Bell tore his ACL and is out for the season. He had the best winning percentage of all Baylor QB's since the inception of the Big12. He holds most all Baylor passing records. He gave us some spectacular moments and cherished memories. No fan of the B will ever forget the '04 A&M game, nor last season's thrills, nor this season's record-shattering performances. Our Heisman hopes are now permanently dashed, but our world remains enhanced.

Shawn Bell, the Caesar of China Spring, has laced up for the Bears for the last time. His final performance at the Case was a noble one. Thank you, Shawn, for all you have done for Baylor football. You brought the fight back to the Fightin' Bears.

Good luck. God bless. Sic 'Em.

[Goodbye, Bowl appearance. Maybe next year. The Curse of the B continues. Bell is injured during a heart-breaking loss to our oldest rivals. Coincidence? I think not. The Curse lives.]

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Saturday, October 28, 2006

AgricMeat: The Rivalry Renewed

Agriculturalists, it is time to face the music: We are rivals.

You can no longer count on an easy W when you face the B. We are tenacious. We are proud. We are your equal. As much as you'd like to believe you are in the league of TU, we are your true match. The last three years of Baylor vs. A&M has been some of the best football played between in-state Texas colleges in recent memory. You must admit that the near two decade span from '85 to '04 of Aggie dominance of Baylor is over. Your program is not quite what it was. Ours is returning to classic form.

Tonight's game was the 103rd Battle of the Brazos between the B and the Agriculturalists. At one time the rivalry between our two schools was one of the more storied matchups in Texas sports. Our rivalry had a body count. This week's Lariat retold some of the story.
In 1926, Baylor and Texas A&M met on homecoming and a tragic legacy was born. Texas A&M fan A.B. Sessums was killed during a melee following a bleacher-clearing brawl between Bear and Aggie supporters at the Cotton Palace Stadium in Waco. The legend grew, and stories passed down saying that a group of angered Aggies immediately raced back to College Station and hopped on a rail car bound for Waco with a howitzer in tow. But, as the legend goes, the National Guard met their advance and felled several trees across the tracks to stop the charge. The truth behind the rumor is dubious, but the sentiment was not. Baylor president S.P. Brooks and Texas A&M president T.O. Walton signed an agreement on Dec. 8 of that year, ceasing all athletic contracts between the two schools. They wouldn't play another game until 1931.

While our offense faltered late and the Caesar of China Spring may have suffered an injury, the B fought hard and gave us a great game. The game lived up to the excitement and drama of the rivalry. We set the all-time attendance record at the Case, Zeigler had an incredible game and our defense made two impressive goal-line stops. I, for one, am proud of this team and proud of my school.


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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Aggie Pail Kids, Series 2

Hello again. Let us continue with some more fun natured ribbing of our southern Brazos neighbors. And we all have seen what the Brazos looks like. Definitely explains why a certain Aggy Corp Member named Pisshead McKenzie recently claimed online, "You see, we really ain't squeezing our balls, we just massaging our lil brains...cos the teams done gone too much scoring." Tsk, tsk, tsk. Thumbs up their asses.

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Fun Fact:
I was one of the top Texas prospects coming out of high school this past year. My pops played basketball for Pittsburgh and my mommy was an Olympic sprinter. Oops, I became an Aggie. Now all my hopes and dreams are crumbling before me. If Fat Man Lane wasn't in the way I could be a 100 yd. per game rusher. He smells like rotten cabbage too.

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Fun Fact:
Hey, hey, you all! I'm Martellus and I'm founder of the Central Texas Chapter "Legion of Doom" Local 304. On Mondays through Thursdays we like to gather around and play World of Warcraft together; Fridays we convene at a local laser tag center with prizes going to the highest scores. Of course, Saturdays are the LOD's Douche Days. And Sundays are days of self-reflection. Go Doom!

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Fun Fact:
I'm part of a special trio of strapping young men located in A&M's backfield...if you know what I mean. I love the floral/cabbage scent of hot totty Jorvorskie. He's a Pole's Pole! And my what a find that Goodson is. Also, don't get me started about Marty Martellus! Yes sir, boys, I do like to step out from the back sometimes. That boy can spread his lesion of womb all over me.

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Fun Fact:
Last year, I was deemed "Mr. Touchdown" by the Aggie faithful for scoring 5 TD's on my first five touches of the season. Unfortunately, I only scored one more touchdown in my next 7 games. They then started calling me "Wussboy from Westlake High" and "He Who Snaps When One Hits Ground" after I broke my leg in the eighth game of the season. I'm fairly certain that C.J. Wilson will tear my body in half and devour my vital organs. Pray for Schroeder.

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Fun Fact:
Do you know who I am? I'm the second leading scorer on the team this year. I'm from Hondo, "God's Country, Don't Drive Through It Like Hell." I'm captain of the Aggie Broseph Club, aka ABC (our pledge brosephs can remember that better). I'm a kinesiology major, so I'll probably see you in a couple of years at Gold's Gym selling anabolic steroids and sad stories. I'll take care of you in the bathroom. I'm irrelevant.

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Fun Fact:
I really don't play much. I am the main kickoff returner, but I'm really just too short and my potential has run dry. This was supposed to be my breakthrough season with easy games left and right, but I have only had 8 catches this season. I got real lucky against Missouri. Like the rest of my team, I need help from officials, turnovers and penalties to succeed. I can't do things on my own. I'm a poor, poor Aggie.

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Monday, October 23, 2006

JayHawkMeat: What Happened?

Red's contriteness cannot parallel mine. Exactly a month ago I wrote off the season. You must understand where I am coming from. I am hardwired to expect the worse from the B's football team. My annual ritual is to get excited about the prospect of a good season and then become bitterly disappointed after a series of soul-crushing defeats. I can stay positive up to a point, but then I must lash out or start crying, usually both. Well, that has all changed. I believe that Homecoming 2006 has changed the pyschological makeup of the Bears.

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Baylor should have won the game. They were favored to win, but instead they fell behind by 18 going into the 4th quarter. So far that is par for the course. What happened in the last 15 minutes of the game altered history. It brings to mind the William F. Buckley Jr. quote, "Standing athwart history, yelling Stop." In this vision of the quote, it is Guy-Mo standing large above the stadium looking down at the team, and of course Buckley's quote had something to do with him protesting child labor laws. Every tidbit of history was against the B going into that quarter. The team disregarded their past and in an afternoon rewrote the character of the team. I believe this bodes well for the long term health of the team. I think the B could win the rest of their conference matchups. It will likely not happen but it is possible. I am content with the team for the first time ever. Even if they lost the rest of their games, which is unlikely, I would consider this season a success.

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As for the BearMeat editorial staff, we, very much in character, descended into Cameron Park Saturday night, armed to the teeth, wearing nothing more than faux bear skins carrying twelve 1.75s of Jack. We emerged three days later, sans Jack, weapons spent, and faux bear skin in tatters. I recall very little from the escapade, but I reek of pine, have discovered bark under my nails, and noticed a corny twelve line poem on my arm entitled, "Man and Tree, A Love that was Meant to Be". Also, it hurts to pee. Oh well, some things should remain a mystery.

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Aggie Pail Kids, Series 1

Ladies and gents, I would like to formally introduce to you BearMeat's 2006 collection of Aggie Pail Kids. This is the first out of a three part series which will be unveiled in the forthcoming days. Let's put the "cultural" back in Agriculturalists!

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Fun Facts:
Our mascot is a collie. Collies are easy to train because of their mid-level intelligence and eagerness to please. Our collie is the highest ranking member of the Texas A&M Corps of Cadets. As a result, the Corp is usually dumber than dogs. Go Aggies!

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Fun Facts:
I brought the Ags their first losing season in twenty years. Unlike collies, I have no sense of loyalty. In 2000, I left TCU before their bowl game and accepted the job at Alabama. Additionally, I showed up to the Heisman ceremony, featuring LaDainian Tomlinson as a finalist, wearing a crimson tie and speaking of the greatness that is the Crimson Tide!

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Fun Facts:
I was an assistant coach to the great John Mackovic. I led two of the worst defenses in ShortHorns' history in 1995 and '96. I was fired from my previous job at the powerhouse that is known as Western Michigan. Lou Holtz once annoited me as the "Captain of the Pink Shirt Brigade."

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Fun Facts:
I have become the poor man's Bucky Richardson. This season I led the offense to 7 whole yards in the first quarter against seminal power Louisiana Tech. I can easily guide a creampuff team through a creampuff schedule. My QB rating against Texas Tech is exactly the same as my IQ: 78.26. I'm an Aggy!

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Fun Facts:

I'm a big boy. I eat a least 11 cans of corn a day. I thought Judas was the twelfth man. I once ate an entire chocolate Judas during my Sunday School class. That was last Easter. If I had a twin, I would ride miniature bikes with him. I would like it if he had a mustache. I just poopied my pants. I found a raisin!

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Sunday, October 22, 2006

JayHawkMeat, Part 2: Brutus is an Honorable Man

Red Andrews, a la Brutus, falling on his sword:

I have betrayed our beloved Caesar of China Spring by sounding the death knell on the only viable Heisman candidacy on the Brazos a few weeks too early. For that, I must accept my penance for such a sin: drinking the rest of the lukewarm and potentially poisonous Bosque Brewing Company Baptist Pale Ales that we have on display at the BearMeat editorial offices. Shawn Bell's 4th quarter heroism during the homecoming game was not only the most thrilling drama to be seen in Waco since the William Cowper Brann incident, but has now set The Christian Gentleman QB (his taunting of UT aside) as perhaps the greatest to ever lace-up for the B. Bell is on pace to have the game, season, and career records in most all passing categories in school history: yardage, touchdowns, completions, attempts. This is a school that has been playing pigskin since 1899.

"All I am thinking about right now is the first Homecoming win in nine years and how we need two more wins to get to a bowl game." - Shawn Bell, after the KU game

The Bears have delivered our much-awaited Homecoming victory. Thanks to Bell, Zeigler and Shelton (the usual suspects), we have, for the first time ever, won three conference games in the Big12. We are now only two games away from bowl eligibility. We haven't been at .500 this late into the season in 10 years. Get ready Aggies, cuz y'all are gonna be sticking those "Gig 'em" thumbs up your asses when Bell outshines McGee and defeats A&M for the second time in three years. C.J. is gonna put some hurting on those Ags.


BearMeat Shoutout to GuyMo, who has taught us how to believe again. The Ghost of Steele is Vanquished: Long Live GuyMo!

BearMeat Shoutout to Lee Hays: CareBear seems to be working, so we are tentatively reverting to AirBear for the time being.

BearMeat RottenMeat Award: To all the "fans" who left the game at halftime, thinking it was over. That was your warning - this is the GuyMo era now and things are different. Let us learn to live by faith.

[Editorial Note: We apologize for the lateness of our coverage, but as you might imagine, our jubilation on Saturday evening was quite spirited. In fact, due to a minor "libations and fire" incident, we almost burned down the storied home of the BearMeat editorial offices: the 13th floor of the ALICO building. We promise to make up for it with the Aggie game.]

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Thursday, October 19, 2006

Great BearBackers in History: Why Not Start With the Bible?

This is the first in a series of posts that will highlight Great BearBackers in History. These people were BearBacking long before BearMeat. In fact, BearBacking's roots and endorsement can be found, among other places in the Bible. Of course, you all know who I'm talking about, the original BearBacker, the one and only, Elisha. Until this guy came along, Bears weren't the official team mascot of God or even the B. For all of you heathens not familiar with 2 Kings 2:23-24 it's time to educate yourself.

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

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Elisha giving the1st Sic 'em.

Elisha bleeds green and gold, not on this particular day since the youths were doing the bleeding, but I mean it in a figurative way. He was Baylor. He was tired of these Aggie kids running their mouths, so he did what any B student would do in the same position. He asked God to curse them. And talk about results-- two bears=42 maulings! If we only had those she bears on the O-line I think our running problems would quickly end. God's instrument of justice came in the form of two bears. At that moment, God passed up lions, tigers, and ostriches, and hooked Elisha up with bears to dish out an ass-kicking. If it weren't for Elisha, our mascot could have just as easily been the Serpents or the Pillars of Salt. And for that reason Elisha is this post's Great BearBacker in History.

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Bears learning to play football: Thad the Bear taking a snap.

JayHawkMeat, Part 1: Welcome to Waco!

Just in time for the homecoming game against Kansas, the City of Waco has unveiled its new motto: Waco We Do

This follows the moderate successes of "Waco: City With a Soul" and "Waco: Gateway to Texas History", both of which seemed to invoke religion, strife, and, by extension, the Branch Davidians. This new motto is much more existential. Our existence precedes our essence. We at the BearMeat editorial offices have come up with a list of our own possible city mottos, which should familiarize the JayHawks with the way we roll in the Heart of Texas.

Waco: It Is What It Is

Waco: All You Can Eat

Waco: Do You Want to Take That Iced Tea To Go?

Waco: A Leash-Free Zone

Waco: There's A Lot You Don't Know About Us

Waco: We Ain't Coming Out

Waco: A Dog for Every Truckbed on I-35

Waco: It's All Been Done Here

Waco: You Wouldn't Believe What We've Done

Waco: We Did It and We'll do it Again

Waco: A River Runs Through It

Waco: Yeah, We've Been Around the Block

Waco: Bibles & Booze!

Waco: We Keep it Crack-a-Lackin'

We plan on submitting this list, along with any suggestions our loyal readers may have in a formal proposal to the City. While we like the simplicity of Waco We Do, it fails to capture the complex and tortured soul of our fair municipality.

Sic 'em.

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

BevoMeat: A Perspective From Inside DKR Memorial Stadium

Once again this intrepid B fan found himself the belly of the beast. Calls were made, favors exchanged, vows broken and I was the proud owner of a ticket to the B v. UT game. This was a huge game, a battle for sole possession of the Big 12 South. The B had never been in this position before. I was hyped for the game, but I knew I'd be in dangerous territory. I would need to blend in with the natives, learn their customs and ways. Unless I was able to move unfettered among them I would never be able to discover their weaknesses.

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I knew they had an affinity for the pumpkin family, so I was dressed from head to toe in burnt orange. As I walked into the stadium the maniacal chant begun, "Texas", to which I responded with the only possible answer, "Fight". Fortunately, as I was walking to the stadium I was supplied with a large foam hand shaped in the traditional hook 'em sign, which allowed for the prefect emphasis to "Fight". Their band numbers no less than a thousand and their drum is larger than Andorra. I felt the excitement and barely had wiped the tears from my eyes after they unfurled a gigantic Texas flag when it was game time.

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I will say that my goals for this game were limited. I wanted ten points and to keep it within 28 points. I went to the game last year and still have visions of UT's backup QB fumbling a ball back to himself for a huge gain. Obviously, the B going up ten was unexpected. The crowd was taking the game for granted and suddenly you could sense a change, they were worried. But fate was not on the B's side that day or any other day. Their lead quickly melted away and a lethargic UT team still smacked them around. I was disappointed by the margin of victory but was surprised by the B's ability to score points. I think it had something to do with UT having this game sandwiched between the Okies and the CornEaters, but still the offense had some great highlights.

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There were obviously some major negatives. The defense was invisible and the offense made it look like they were supposed to have game altering turnovers. Bell's fumbles were huge and his throws often ended up too high or bouncing in the dirt. If you are trying to pull off the upset of the century you can't be responsible for 3 turnovers. And back to the defense, they were absolutely, beyond redemption terrible. UT's O-line is incredible; NFLers all over the place, but McCoy is only a freshman. I'm not optimistic about beating UT anytime soon because we'll have the rookie next year and McCoy will keep getting better. All that being said, I was really happy that the B gave me a couple of chances to silently cheer. It was cleary a better showing than last year, maybe even something to build on. I'm not sure how to build on a 30+ point loss, but what else can you say? As I was screaming out "The Eyes of Texas" at the conclusion of the game, I acknowledged they have no apparent weakness, and made me wish that Gabriel had blown his horn right before the 2nd quarter.

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Monday, October 16, 2006

Noodleous doubleous

Good morning and bless this beautiful central Texas weather. If I knew that the state of Florida was going to come to Texas, take a shit on Corpus Christi and forward the deposit to my humble community, then I would have never left my green and gold race car bed. But such is the life of a BearMeat editor.
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As you might have noticed, you should not count on me to review past games. I chose to finance the "plain jane" car bed at 4.9% apr instead of the "fully loaded" at 7.2%. So instead of a drop-down HP laptop, streamlined T-1 connections and countless ladies with their philistine tastes, I have been saddled with a debt of fake steering wheels, uninviting prospects from the clinic and insobriety.
So let us look ahead to the upcoming fixture on Saturday. With Baylor being favored by 3 in the early lines, there is no mistake that this weekend's game will make or break the B's chances of making it to a shitty bowl game. First and foremost, Kansas is 117 out of 119 in pass defense giving up 281.7 ypg. Thank you, Jesus. Theoretically, Shawn "Kool" Bell and the Gang should dominate Mangino's front-butt pass defense, but the Bears have the uncanny ability to self-destruct after magical moments. And I really can't imagine seeing another Bell random act of kindness towards the defense. Luckily, Baylor television games are few and far between and John Morris couldn't do play-by-play on a one legged duck swimming circles in a pond.

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So what does all this gibberish mean? Will the Bears score 30 or more points in three successive games? Will KU blow another second half-lead? Are the Jayhawks the Bears of the Big XII North? Will Bell flash the sign language "K" sign down after his first TD toss? Is that not sign language for "P"? Does that mean Bell will urinate on the Jayhawks?.....Yes. Yes it does. Baylor will win, Bell will piss on the KU defense, Mangino has two taints, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is real and the homecoming parade is lame. RAmen.

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Saturday, October 14, 2006

BevoMeat: Let Us Now Praise Colt McCoy

Well, for starters, the B scored more points on UT than any other team has this season, including our final, phantom TD. Had the game ended at the conclusion of the first quarter, we would have had a stunning upset. The first play of the game was an 80-yard TD strike from Bell to Shelton that seemed to cast aside all doubts about the CareBear (formerly AirBear) Offense. Then the second quarter happened. 3 BU turnovers = 3 TU TDs. So much for the I-35 Surprise.

C.J. did not manage to live up to the smack talk, missing two major plays that could have prevented TDs. The D did the best they could, but in the end, Mack's boys had their way with us. To quote Swanburg:

Watching this game is like picking up a tranny hooker. They give you a good tease, get you excited, and then whip it out leaving you frustrated, embarrassed, and confused.

All in all, putting up 30+ against the #6 team in the country is not too bad of an outing. We look forward to demolishing the rest of our schedule in the weeks ahead. The Big12 is wide open this year and we hope to BBQ some Ags, Red Raiders, Jayhawks, Sooners and Cowboys. BearMeat will no longer be served to such heathen swine. No, the Bear will feast on their flesh instead. You might call it the circle of life. You might even make a movie about it set in Africa. You could animate it and have celebrities do the voices for the animals. What the hell am I talking about?

So, let's recap.

Big12 Win Streak: Gone With the Wind.

Shawn Bell for Heisman: Maybe next year.

GuyMo: Still a badass.

Lee "Desperado" Hays: Still hasn't learned to call running plays.

Trent Shelton: King of the First Quarter TD.

George Shelton: King of the Baylor Football Fans.

C.J. Wilson: A little less talk, and a lot more action.

Sepulveda: Danny Boy, we love the new beard. Like Sampson's hair, it is your strength. Never cut it.

UT: We hope you keep rolling until you get snubbed for the BCS championship game, where you would have lost to Ohio State again anyway.

Kansas: Watch your back. There's gonna be a Bear on it.

Agriculturalists: Stop molesting that donkey and start preparing for your trip to Waco.

Sic 'em: Sic 'em.

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BevoMeat: Rampant Cannibalism Rules the Day

I hate to do this, the Agriculturalists should never be compared to anyone, but a line in this article certainly lends itself to such comparisons. The article drops this line, "Another popular rumor is that University alumni and players feast on the deceased mascots, but only the original Bevo met that fate." Hold on. You can't drop a line like that and then move on without any explanation. They ate their mascot. Who does something like that other than the Agriculturalists? They go through 12-13 collies a season. It wouldn't be so bad if they only ate the mascot, but trying to create hybrid Agrics must be a crime against humanity or at least against the penal code.

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Now back to the subject at hand. The alumni and players ate their mascot. Was the mascot young and in its prime? Was it done after discovering his elderly corpse in a pile of manure? Was it for luck before a big game or after a big win? The B is guilty of many crimes, anti-science/progress, homophobia (which is apparently rampant even at our state's most sophisticated universities) , and stray cat killing but we have never, even at our drunkest and most depraved, eaten our bear. Abuse them, yes. Neglect them and discard them, several times. But never put it on the grill and cook it up. Another round of questions is in order. Were there spices involved? Was the skin used to make boots or the horns turned into a chalice or ornaments on a Viking helmet? Until these questions are answered, and as you can tell from my shoddy analysis and insight from previous posts I'm not going to do the research, I will continue to commingle the Barbarians of the Brazos and the Horns.

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BevoMeat: Predictions for the Bears-ShortHorns Game

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[Image compliments of Texas Travesty.]

All eyes are on the Battle for the Big12 South. Two undefeated (in conference play anyway) titans of the gridiron square off in their second century of the historic rivalry. Will it be an I-35 Surprise as C.J. "Nostradamus" Wilson so boldly predicted? Will we see the Fightin' Bears upset the ShortHorns? Or will it be yet another "Behold, the Glory of Rome!" TU blowout of the "Bible Aggies"? And, most importantly, where does BearMeat come down?

To be quite honest, we're a bit pre-occupied with the following quote, posted on BON by Michael Timmons:

Warning: Bear Meat
All BON bloggers should be aware that Bear Meat is
only a front for closet homosexuals to meet.
Baylor University is:
30% hot girls

30% ugly girls who dress nice

1% straight guys

1% openly gay guys

38% closet homosexuals

...but congrats Bears for winning the Big 12 Asshole Bowl last week against CU. For once you are the givers not the takers.

Such spite is unbecoming of the imperial longhorns. Perhaps the loss to Ohio State has jostled the confidence of the Burnt Orange legions. To set the record straight (pardon the pun), of the 38% closeted homosexuals, 50% are transgender, 25% are bi-curious, and 23% pee neither sitting down or standing up. These statistics were provided to us by the Baylor Sociology Department, if you dare question our numbers.

[Actually, the guy-girl ratio at Baylor is one of the best in Texas for straight men, save the women's colleges. While there is a tiny, silent gay population at Baylor, it is much too busy hiding from homophobic biggots like the above commenter, whose type is all-too present in all our fine institutions of higher education in the Great State of Texas.]

Rant aside, we predict an overtime thriller, with Bell bootlegging a two-point conversion to put BU over TU for the first time since '97. 1897, that is.

Hook 'em? Nah, Sic 'em.

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