Thursday, August 31, 2006

FrogMeat, Part 12: Pregame, A Guide to Waco-centricities

Hola, folks! Que tal? Just got back from a sight-seeing trip down in Mexico with my old amigo, Porfirio Diaz. He’s doing fine, thank you. Anyways, after seeing so many wonderful attractions I decided I should tell all the newcomers about great Waco places to visit before and after Baylor's victory over TCU. Fret not, old-timers, this guide can be useful for you too. As we all know, Waco is an ever-changing, throbbing city, ready to explode into a corporate sprawl of Sears and Woolworths. So, let's get started!

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Pregame Jitters? Delerium Tremors? No problem! Come on down to Highland Baptist Church and shake with the best of them. I would suggest attending the 8 am or 9 am service to really get the full experience of an Anglo Shuckin' and a Jivin' Evangelistic Discourse. Added bonus: "College Encounter" begins at 10:30 am. Gentlemen…you might see that foggy special someone from the night before there! Caveat lector: Don't shake too much. They might think you're dancing and exile you to the Church Under the Bridge. Watch where you step!

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Next stop, breakfast! Knowing you, the human race, that little morsel of bread and sip of purple juice was definitely not enough to heal and prepare your tummy for another day in Waco. So head on up Valley Mills to Golden Corral and get your breakfast buffet on. No two words in the English language excite me more than Breakfast and Buffet. Uncertain? Just check out this testimonial from "wacomac":

I was amazed. I am not a fan of Golden Corral, but the breakfast buffet was fabulous. The waitress kept the coffee coming and we were there for a while doing some business. The selection was endless. Eggs, Pancakes, bacon, etc plus, lots of fruit and fruit juices. I was blown away. Hats off to the staff and manager. What a great find!

Award Nomination: Best Breakfast Ever

Hard to beat a five out of five egg and coffee rating! And let's not forget that award nomination: Best Breakfast Ever! Table for one, please!

T-Minus 4 hours and 30 minutes till game time, ladies and gentlemen, and it's beer-thirty in Texas again! Thus our foray into the fourth ring of the Baylor Bubble, the Ghetto HEB. And, no, I am not talking about Matisyahu! Make a sharp left once you pass the cashiers and head straight towards the Great Wall of Beer. You underage drinkers should consider buying elsewhere though. I have seen shit that would turn you white if you get caught by the day manager, Zephyra. No worries though, just head on down La Salle Avenue until you hit a freshman's oasis...Fina. The noble men in charge there have taken it upon themselves to flood Penland and Martin Hall with beer and firecrackers since the early 90s. Damn, that's some Pakistani determination!

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Now would be a good time to settle into your comfort zone and find a place nearby The Floyd to enjoy the dying moments of sobriety. However...if you really want to enjoy your pregame experience, then start making your way over to the cozy confines of Cameron Park. Now remember...don't just park somewhere off Cameron Park Drive. You really want to drive around, take a couple left and right turns and get in there really deep. Once inside, be sure to look out for local treasures such as the Cameron Park Slug (in the family "used prophylactics") and the Pecan Bottoms' Bottoms. Oooohhh, this park is steamy!

Well, if you haven't noticed, time flies by when you're unconscious. And it’s game time! So get your butt to the Floyd!

Let us pray,

A bear and a frog pas de deux,

La rana is ranked twenty-two.

With our paws in the air,

We shout, "Sic 'em Bears!"

Los osos will eat frog leg stew!

n.b. Postgame tour is subject to review - got a date at Pecan Bottoms!

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2006 The Year of the Bear: Game, Fan and Player Highlights and Predictions

It is that time of year again to make predictions about teams we haven’t seen play. Here are a few to keep your eyes open for in 2006.

Big 12 South:

Best match-up of inferiority complexes: Tech v. Agriculturalists, Sept. 30

Game with the most Texans: Ok. v. OSU, Nov. 25

Players most likely to be driving Hummers: the entire Ok. backfield

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Game most likely to feature crying: The B v. UT, Oct. 14

Fans most upset about Civil War outcome: tie, Tech and Agriculturalists

Fans least likely to know Civil War occurred: Ok.

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Big 12 North:

Best match-up of registered sex offenders: Col. v. Neb., Nov. 24

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Team most likely to have been better a decade before: Neb.

Game most likely to not be noticed outside of homestate: Kan. v. KSU, Nov. 19

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Team fans were most excited about playing until they realized they aren't Ohio State: Iowa State

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Game most likely to involve players wearing black: Mizzou v. Col., Sept. 30


Game most likely to end in a knife fight: The U v. FSU

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Game most likely to have fans do something unnecessarily aggressive: Agriculturalists v. Anyone

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Best mascot match-up to induce snickering: The OSU Beavers v. the USC Trojans, Oct. 28

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Game most likely to end the South Benders hype: Impossible, 4 losses still guarantees top 10 finish

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Game most likely to end with halftime bong party: Cal v. Oregon, Oct. 7

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Game featuring most products of incest: Ark. v. Miss., Oct. 21

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The season is upon us. As the esteemed poet laureate of Arkansas, Peggy Vining, would say, "Woooooooooo, Pig ! Sooie!"


Tuesday, August 29, 2006

FrogMeat, Part 11: The Eleventh Best Football Blog in Texas

Dear Drew Webb:

Your ranking of Texas Football Blogs in the September 2006 issue of Texas Monthly was obviously a difficult chore. In deciding which blogs to include and which to exclude, we know you must have agonized and lost sleep over the gravity of your decisions. We appreciate that you chose to include a Baylor blog, the Bear Blog, written by esteemed WacoTrib sports editor Jerry Hill, in your Top 10 list. We also thought your inclusion of powerhouse blog BON, covering the Roman Empire of college athletics, was on point. However, five of your "blogs" are actually columns written by sportswriters on the payroll of major Texas dailies. Similarly, your Fan Blogs: Texas A&M, which garnered spot #4, isn't a blog by anyone's definition. So, taking stock, your list includes five major print journalism columns, a non-blog, and a few other questionable picks. The only choice which fits the sports blogosphere definition of a football blog is BON, who should be atop your list. We fully agree with the premise (and headline) of this little list: Texas has great sports blogs. However, you named about three of them. You have no grasp on what constitutes a good blog and were given this assignment by someone who thought you might know, but had no way of checking your work. You have cheated the readership of Texas Monthly, and you shirked this assignment, which would have only taken two hours of serious research to do it right, instead of the 15 min of Googling you put in. And finally, you left out BearMeat. This is unforgivable. We are the most dynamic Texas sports blog on the scene and deserve recognition. Throw us a bone here, Webb.

Sic 'em!

[For good measure, here is his list:

Our Football Blogs Are Better Than Everyone Else's
Ten we like:
1. Recruiting Buzz
2. Burnt Orange Nation: A Texas Longhorns Blog
3. Bevo Beat
4. Fan Blogs: Texas A&M
5. Double T Ranch
6. The Bear Blog
7. Big 12
8. Texans Rock
9. Cowboys Blog
10. Dallas Cowboys and the NFL

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Sunday, August 27, 2006

FrogMeat, Part 10: Top 10 Ways to Prepare for Sunday’s Game Against TCU

10. Start hydrating on Monday.

9. Learn a new obscenity.

8. Visit Sonny’s BYOB all-you-can-eat pizza buffet Sunday morning.

7. Attend neighborhood Brit milah.

6. Choose sexual orientation.

5. Renounce Satan and all his works.

4. Iron Baylor thong.

3. Begin menarche.

2. Figure out age of consent laws.

1. Pick religion and start praying.

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From Where Does My Hope Come?

[Varsity football at the B, circa 1908.]

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The editorial board of BearMeat is a (self-described) literary bunch; we don't often stoop to read popular periodicals. However, in our weaker moments, we are drawn to such low-brow fare as the Atlantic Monthly, the New Yorker, and Teen People. When thumbing through one of these plebian publications recently, we were astounded to find a quantified list of the worst college coaches of all-time. Guess which former green and gold skipper topped the list? Let me give you a hint: it's not Dave Roberts.

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No, the man who stands quite alone among college coaches, according to Maxim, is none other than Dave Bliss. As a Baylorite with a highly-developed inferiority complex, my instinctual reaction to being at the top of any list is jubilation. Unfortunately, this specific distinction burdens me with grief. Why won't that story go away? Why did that have to happen at the B? Why can't we transcend the past?

More importantly, what is the posture that we should take toward news of this sort? What is the proper response to all the tragedy, the losing, and the embarrassment?

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We live in a postmodern world. The assumptions of modernity (universality, progress, and science) have been under attack since two world wars undid humankind's faith in itself. At WacoU, our own postmodern despair comes from a series of curses - William Cowper Brann, the Waco Horror, the Immortal 10, the Tornado, the Davidians, Dave Bliss - which have systematically lowered our pride, and our expectations, into the depths. Yet, in order to move forward in life, and in athletics, we must acknowledge who we were, who we are, and who we strive to be. For us, that means embracing our tragedies, our humiliations, our losses, and our flaws. For only when we come to terms with the past, can we truly break free from it. So, to all those who have lost hope that Baylor will never rise again, I challenge you: have faith not in what is seen (results on the playing field), but in what is unseen (our resilient spirit). Baylor has not forsaken you - don't forsake Baylor. Sic 'em.

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Saturday, August 26, 2006

Fanatical Jingoism: Why I Can't Root for Bruce for 24 hours

Basketball is an international sport. Nearly a fourth of the NBA will be foreign born next season. It makes the game better. However, it can create quite a conflict when one of your favorite players happens to run into the Stars and Stripes in an international competition. It transforms someone like Aaron Bruce from stellar Baylor guard into a threat to our national interest. The tournament is at the single elimination stage and we have a lot to prove. Bruce I hope your career continues to blossom at the B and one day you play in the NBA. But not tomorrow, tomorrow I hope that team USA decimates you and your teammates and puts Australia back where it belongs, as one of our colonies. Sorry Bruce, if only you were born in Texas and not the Texas of the Southern Hemisphere. USA, USA, USA…

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Friday, August 25, 2006

FrogMeat, Part 9: What Do the Bones Say?

Being a student at the B means different things to different people. But the one characteristic we all share is our faith in the polytheistic worldview of the Greeks and their fervent belief in the predictions of the Oracle of Delphi. The B is so dedicated to this concept that they have setup various prayer gardens all over campus to worship the various deities. Since the football season is almost upon us and I needed to make my predictions, it was second nature to grab a six-pack of Mickey’s and head over to the Apollo prayer garden. I had barely cracked open my second hand grenade when I arrived at a surprisingly abandoned garden. It seemed that afternoon all the students were at Poseidon’s prayer garden enjoying his back-to-school raging kegger pool party. I resisted the urge to join and sat down.

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I prostrated myself before the Oracle and then thought better of it. I would never finish my beverage face down. I switched into the Lotus position. The ensuing conservation went like this.

Judge: Oh mighty Oracle, please enlighten me.

Oracle: Judge, what do you wish to know?

Judge: I want to know how the B will do this season.

Oracle: I need to consult the bones. I need bones.

I surveyed the still desolate area.

Judge: Where am I going to get bones?

Oracle: Ask the baseball team, ask the baseball team.

I saw a truck with a Baylor baseball sticker on it and went over to it. The truck obviously belonged to a player because it had all the normal stuff; a uniform, a pair of cleats, batting glove, several dog corpses and a badly decayed falcon. I picked up what was left of the falcon and walked back to the Oracle. I resumed the lotus position and opened number three and four. The Oracle tossed the bones.

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Judge: What do you see?

Oracle: I see carnage, devastation, and spirits being broken.

Judge: Is that good? What about the TCU game?

Oracle: I see money, I see you losing great amounts of money.

Judge: Nooooo. TCU covers the spread?

Oracle: Easily, the final score is 34-23 and that seems closer than it actually was.

Judge: What’s our record going to be?

Oracle: If you get six, you’re lucky.

Judge: Are you sure that’s right? Do you have any doubt?

Oracle: I am all seeing and all knowing. No knowledge exists outside of my domain. But I’ve been wrong before. I thought for sure the Colts would win last year.

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Judge: Yeah, six seems way off. I think you must need some new bones or perhaps some entrails to have a clearer vision. I think this is our year.

Oracle: Are you kidding? Have you seen your schedule? You’re playing four top 25 teams. You’re lucky that your North schedule is a little soft. Even without taking your schedule into account, you're implementing a new offense and lost eight defensive starters off a 5-6 team.

Judge: But…

Oracle: I really got to go.

And with, that the Oracle left, taking along my last two Mickey’s. Why, why cruel, magnificent Oracle would you take both? I would have split them. I got up and staggered home full of trepidation. What did this cryptic message from the soothsayer mean? I pondered the realm of possibilities. Yes, of course, it was perfectly clear now. She mentioned the Colts; the Colts won their first 13 games last season. If the B plays in a bowl game it will make the season 13 games long. The Oracle believed that the B would go undefeated this year and play in the BCS championship game.

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2006 Prediction: 13-0, BCS Championship Game victory over OSU

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Thursday, August 24, 2006

FrogMeat, Part 8: The Generals Take The Field

It's time to begin our on-field preview. Let's start at QB. The Field General.

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On September 3rd, we will see two senior quarterbacks with great pass-efficiency numbers duel it out. Shawn Bell is Baylor's Jeff Hostetler: solid, dependable, and capable of great things. Jeff Ballard is TCU's Kurt Warner, bursting on the scene from nowhere and leading the team to victory. There are some eerie similarities when assessing the two field generals. 1. Both are school leaders in completion percentage. 2. Both have great touchdown to interception ratios. 3. Both are from small-town Texas. But the similarities end there. Or do they? 4. Both QBs are listed at 6' 1". 5. Both weigh 211 lbs. 6. Both have winning smiles. 7. Both are caucasian. 8. Both have brown hair. 9. Both have fair complexions. Surely, that must be the end of their similarities. Nope. 10. Both were born in November 1983.

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Coincidence, you ask. I think not. Let the record show that BearMeat was the first to uncover college football's darkest secret: that Jeff Ballard and Shawn Bell are the same person! Why was Bell sidelined for a few games at the end of last season while the out-of-position Parks played QB? Scheduling conflicts that arise from double duty. Where was Ballard during the first few games of the season for TCU? Playing for Baylor. Due to the 90 mile distance between the schools, TCU and the B were able to enter in to an arrangement that allowed Bell-ard to split time between the schools, playing two games each Saturday. Texas football's Tyler Durden, we at BearMeat salute you. Your heroic two-school duty makes you a shoe-in for the Heisman.

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We are about to witness a QB showdown for the ages and the envy of every kids' touch football game: the all-time quarterback. Imagine it: One gunslinger playing every down. The record books will be annihilated. But where does Bell-ard's true loyalty lie? To the Purple or to the Green? Only the final score will settle that discussion. Sic 'em?

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

FrogMeat, Part 7: The Seventh Inning Stretch

or, A Comparative Study Between Southwest Conference Football and the Cast of "Goonies"
or, La Comedie sud-ouest

Baylor, aka the B, aka Mikey Walsh:
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Argument: Yeah, I know this is a bold move putting the B as the lead character and all, but, dammit, this is BearMeat! We truly believe that the Bears had the spirit and eagerness to save the SWC from demolition just as Mikey did with the Goon Docks. Unfortunately, in the end Baylor had to use this fighting spirit to save their own ass and jump ship to the Big XII. The triumphant determination of Bob “Bear Corleone” Bullock was reminiscent of Mikey’s leadership in the search for gold.
Fatal Flaw: Mikey's asthma = Baylor Football (let's face it, Rice won more SWC titles than Baylor)
Outcome: Baylor's asthma is still acting up, damn McLennan County incinerators.

UTexas, aka the UT Dynamo, aka Brand Walsh:
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Argument: The older, strong and overbearing brother of Mikey can only be likened to the Horns. He's got the hot cheerleader girlfriend and likes to boss around the other boys. Like Brand, the Horns are a tough and very domineering when it came to the SWC's politics and football tradition, hence UT's 25 SWC football titles, 19 of those outright. Like the Horns, Brand would rather hang out with a dorky group of boys than bang his hot girlfriend somewhere down in the tunnels.
Fatal Flaw: Brand failing his drivers license test = UT winning only 1 SWC title in the '80s
Outcome: UT passed their test; hopefully they didn't cheat like SMU.

TA&M, aka the Agriculturalists, aka Clark "Mouth" Deveraux:
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Argument: Clark really is a punk-ass bitch who is an annoyance and a smart aleck. The same can be said for the Agriculturalists. Clark can be quite the shyster but also claims to speak many languages fluently. Like Clark, the Ags are constantly speaking in strange tongue and herking and jerking their bodies around using their thumb for strange sensations. Most people loathe Clark; most people loathe A&M.
Fatal Flaw: "Mouth's" mouth = A&M's existence in this universe
Outcome: Slocum actually had class, so they got Fran instead. Three cheers, ChumpWads!!!

TCU, aka FrogMeat, aka Lawrence "Chunk" Cohen:
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Argument: Hahaha! Fat Goonie; fat coach. Chunk likes to make stories up and then get the Goonies to believe him. TCU tried that with the BCS a few years back. TCU tried that with Bomar a couple weeks back. Chunk could determine a flavor of ice cream through his powerful nose. TCU could smell the collapse of the SWC and tried feverishly to escape the sinking ship while offering nothing in return. However! Chunk came through at the end and saved the Goonies with his new best friend, Sloth. TCU did no such thing...but their coach is fat!
Fatal Flaw: Chunk's Truffle-Shuffle = Gary "Fatty" McPatterson's Fort Worth Scuffle
Outcome: TCU wants notoriety and respect, good luck in the Mountain West.

Rice, aka Beer-Bike U, aka Richard "Data" Wang:
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Argument: (Ok, treading lightly here)...Rice has a very good engineering program. Data was very inventive. Some of his gadgets end up saving the gang. (Ok, keep it simple and clean, Pat)....Data and Rice are both loveable and harmless. (I can't help it!!!) Data is an Asian American! Rice has a 16% Asian American undergrad enrollment! Houston has a diverse and international city! Yao Ming plays for the Rockets! Houston has the largest Vietnamese American population in Texas! The actor who played Data, Jonathan Ke Quan, aka Ke Huy Quan, is originally from Saigon, South Vietnam!!!
Fatal Flaw: Data's gimmicky gadgets = Rice running the wishbone
Outcome: Rice sure does have a damn good baseball team.

SMU, aka Death, aka Sloth:
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Argument: In the '80s the Mustangs were the shit. They were quite Well, Sloth was a monster and a very generous one as well. The 'Stangs had their own generosity. It was called "cash." They tried to help the SWC become a football juggernaut but were lazy, perhaps slothful, in covering up all the rules they broke to reach the top. John Daniel Matuszak was the actor who played Sloth. He was a great defensive lineman for the Raiders, but he is now famous for his partying and narcotic fueled antics during his football career. SMU football is not famous for their actual football anymore.
Fatal Flaw: Sloth like Baby Ruth = SMU destroyed the SWC
Outcome: SWC Universities not in the BIG XII can thank SMU for the ass rape.

TexasTech, aka the Lubbock Lollygaggers, aka Stef Steinbrenner:
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Argument: Stef was the foil for Mouth. She was smart alecky and really very annoying. Texas Tech is a foil for A&M, and very much like an annoying girl. Tech was pretty much nothing in the SWC, and Stef is really not that memorable in Goonies. Tech won two SWC title, but had to share both of those - once with Houston and the other with Baylor. In fact, Tech is the only university to never win an outright SWC football title. Ouch! I'm sure you and Stef prospered in other aspects of life. No? Oh, sorry.
Fatal Flaw: Stef being like Mouth = Tech being like A&M
Outcome: At least y'all never received the death penalty!

Houston, aka WhoCougs, aka "One-Eyed" Willie:
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Argument: The Coogs were the last to join the SWC. And for that they, like Willie, are dead to me. Willie's gold was the motivating factor in the Goonies journey to save the Goon Docks. Houston's gold was actually quite plentiful for their short time: Guy Lewis, Phi Slamma Jamma, Andre Ware, David Klingler (ok, this one is definitely fool's gold, at least for Bengal fans). And like Willie sailing off into the ocean with his riches, the Coogs ventured off away from any member of the SWC.
Fatal Flaw: Willie's booby traps = Houston blocking out against NC State
Outcome: Tommy Penders taking them to the Promise Land!!...What? That didn't happen? Overrated, you say?

Arkansas, aka RazorNecks, aka Mama Fratelli:
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Argument: Suuuueee, Pig! And, oh boy, what an ugly pig! Mama Fratelli claimed that Sloth was dropped as a child; thus his monstrous appearance. But we all know she fathered three inbred tits after getting knocked up by her daddy's brother. So get thee to the SEC and join your inbred brethren, Arkansas. My grandpa gave a shout out to Jesus the day the RazorNecks left the SWC. No better place for the kinfolk to sit around and roger each other than in the southeast.
Fatal Flaw: Mama Fratelli is Italian for RazorNeck = RazorNeck is southern for "man with tail and no legs on skateboard"
Outcome: Does it really matter?

n.b. - If there are factual errors, sorry. I've never seen this movie.

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006

BearMeat: The Burnt Orange Nation Interview

For a full transcript of a very lovely chat between the BearMeat editorial board and Burnt Orange Nation, we urge our readers to click the following link. To those who have never visited our humble domain, we offer cordial welcome.

Good day.


Saturday, August 19, 2006

FrogMeat, Part 6: The Coming of AirBear

I have much to brag about. In fact, let me make a bold prediction. Baylor will score at least three passing touchdowns in the season opener. Why? A man named Lee Hays. Lee has coached in the hinterlands of our great state, at two Aggie affiliated institutions: the godforsaken West Texas A&M and at King Ranch A&M, I mean A&M-Kingsville. However, his familiarity with rural customs is not why we brought him to the B. No, it's his ability to spread wide the offense like Sharon Stone at the OB/GYN. What Lee has brought with him is the AirBear offense. No one knows it quite like Lee, who perfected the system in the desert. The AirBear system will be an all out nuclear assault on Big12 secondaries. Think Gary Busey with his finger on the red button. No, make that Slim Pickens.

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When you hear spurs jingling and smell the smoke from a pistol, you'll know that Lee "Desperado" Hays has just humiliated a couple of safetys and a cornerback or two. You'll also know because of the Bear claw marks on their backs. This AirBear system is no joke. When Baylor is playing at the Texas Bowl on ESPN2 come late December, I'm sure Brandeis U.'s football squad (or whoever they drag out to play the Mighty Bears) will be begging for mercy. AirBear is the beginning of the end. It has the potential for complete destruction of all that has come before it, or may just be the fulfillment of the prophecies foretold in the book of Isaiah. We at BearMeat wait in reverent anticipation for its unveiling against those horned lizards of FTW. Game on. Sic 'em.

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Friday, August 18, 2006

The Winner of the Losers: Win or Lose Baylor Still Won

Before every football season it is important for the faithful of the B to remind everyone that we are winners. Not in a new age, we are all winners way, but more of a we may lose individual battles but we won the war way. In the early nineties, well before any of us were born, there was a battle for the soul of athletics in Texas. The old world alliance, formed during the first year of the War to End All Wars, brought peace and prosperity to the member schools for eighty-one years. Although there were defections and arguments the nucleus of the conference held firm and imposed its collective will on the civilized football-playing world. However, that all ended in the mid-nineties, hastened along by the defection of Judas, aka Arkansas, in 1992 to the non-Texas centric world of the SEC. The Southwest Conference was to be no more.

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Suddenly, the empire began to crumple. UT and the Agriculturalists were silently plotting to leave for the Big Eight and abandon the B. That is until lieutenant governor/Baylor grad Bob Bullock, smelled what the state’s two largest schools were cooking. He gathered the conspirators of the Football Ides of March and demanded answers. He advocated the B’s position and emphasized the negative effects on the community in Waco. He also suggested that he would smite them with the gavel of Judge Baylor if they thought of leaving behind his precious B. Within four days of learning of this assassination plot Bullock had destroyed the will of the leadership of UT and the Agriculturalists with alternating offers of increased funding and threats to destroy their universities. The schools had no choice but to back down to the astronomical power wielded by him and then Governor Ann Richards ('54). The war was won and the B was victorious. On February 24, 1994, V-Tx Day, Baylor stood at the summit of football power.

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Baylor became the only private school to join the Big 12. The leftovers of the Southwest Conference, TCU, SMU, Rice, and Houston, were left to feed off the scraps of inferior conferences. The B knew that going forward, no matter how many games were lost, they were still winners. They were still a member of a conference that automatically receives a BCS berth. Every year, win or lose, a national championship contender has to come into their humble home and beat them on the way to a title shot. Hold that head up Baylor, the season has not yet begun, but we have already won.

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[Update: This thread discusses the most significant figure in recent BU history and touches on the entry into the Big12. This Dallas Morning News article discusses Bullock, Reynolds, and Richards involvement in joining the Big12. - Eds.]

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Wednesday, August 16, 2006

FrogMeat, Part 5: The Texas Horned Lizard (Phrynosoma Cornutum)

"The Horned Frog (actually a lizard) has been TCU's mascot longer than TCU has been the university's name."

Wow! Just wow! This is a real university, folks. Not DeVry, not Phoenix Online, nor the Art "Can You Draw this Turtle" Institute of ________ (your city of choice). But rather Texas Christian University. As a one-of-these-days-I'll-go-back potential student, I decided to peruse their admissions page in search for answers to important questions I had. First and foremost, I asked the esteemed SuperFrog - "What the hell is a horned frog?" In return, Mr. SuperFrog squelched out a couple of paragraphs with that lead-off homerun of a quote referenced above.

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The man, the myth, the (actually a freakin' lizard!!!) SuperFrog. As I see it, the fact that Barney was created and produced in Dallas is no coincidence. A purple, doe-eyed, golly-gee smiling, stubby armed reptile? Infringement! The Corporation for Public Broadcasting and "Viewers Like You" should sue the mortarboard off SuperFrog and cram it down his scaly throat while he shoots blood from the corner of his eyes. And, ewww, disgusting. Would you want your mascot to be famous for that? Personally, I'll take a nice bear mauling anyday over a three foot stream of bodily fluids. Although, I might be able to line up SuperFrog a posh job in Malibu if he can perform like that constantly.

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So let us assess the situation. Would you rather have an excellent sense of hearing and smell, non-retractable claws on broad paws, powerful and sexy limbs, shaggy and shit-free fur and a brief courtship period? Or spiney scales, rounded and bloated body, blunt snout, an all ant diet and an idiomatic personality disorder? Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A once quipped that bears are "...killing machines mobilized against..." TCU Horned Frogs. I tend to agree with the good doctor. Don't let the pesticides and Brazilian fire ants decimate your population on your way out, Mr. SuperFrog. Sic 'em Bears.

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Tuesday, August 15, 2006

FrogMeat, Part 4: A Tale of Two Cities

Or, Cows vs. Cotton: Image, Illusion, and Identity in Contemporary Urban Texas

True to BearMeat's total coverage of the season opener, we will now turn to a comparison of the two cities that house the former SWC giants, TCU & WacoU. As referenced in the first of our 10-15 part series, FrogMeat, I wove the tale of when both schools called McLennan County home. Let us focus on the differences between Ft. Worth and Waco and see how that might effect the conditions on the field on Sept. 3.

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In order to determine which city should receive the advantage, we must ascertain the philosophical and cultural meanings of the respective towns. Ft. Worthless, home to the Stockyards, has long cultivated the image of the cattletown; the landed rancher-gentry who looks down on the get-nouveau riche-quick of Dallas's ostentatious oil barons. It is here where Louis Kahn's beautiful Kimbell Art Museum resides. As Big D's cultural superior, FW prides itself on sophistication, understatement, and subtlety. Home to the preppy, and ultra-modest TCU (Gallant to SMU's Goofus - if you'll permit me a Highlight's reference), Ft. Worth thinks of itself as true to Texas's agrarian roots while maintaining its distinctive urban identity. This is nothing but self-delusion. FTW may be more humane, but the Big City it is and no amount of rodeos and faux cattle drives will change that. While we admire the Fort, we cannot but look upon it as yet another metropolis gone awry with modernization, modernism, and the Modern Art Museum.

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Now take Waco. A city that peaked in the early 20th century, due to it's cotton production, Waco markets itself as the "Gateway to Texas History" and "A City With a Soul." Both are honest titles. With more churches per capita than any other TX municipality, it truly has a soul, or is at least very concerned about the state of its soul. Similarly, if Waco had another historical museum, then the major employer in the region would be misty-eyed nostalgia for the past. Hell, if you can't look forward, at least take stock of the past. The poverty, the faithfulness, the resignation, the despair; these characteristics have lead to BearMeat's discovery of the Waco Paradox. Waco's churchgoing ways do not preclude the hard-drinking night of dancing at Graham Central Station. Similarly, the presence of the largest Baptist university in the world has not stopped the ultra-high teen pregnancy rates. The Waco Paradox is a city that voted nearly 70% for W in '04, also elected Chet the Unvanquished, a pro-choice Democrat as its Congressman for yet another term.

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The Waco Paradox is the battle between the spirit and the flesh. It is the constant struggle of work and leisure, of sin and redemption, of Scruffy's and Antioch. Some Wacoans spend their lives focused on the afterlife. Others say that the Elysian fields are located near Miss Nellie's Pretty Place in Cameron Park. Still others believe that all that matters is the TCU season opener. Count us among the latter. Advantage: Waco. Sic 'em.

Breaking News: The WacoTrib is reporting that Daniel Sepulveda will most likely miss the first four games of the season. Hopefully, we won't be doing much punting in those games, but he will indeed be sorely missed. Get well soon, Danny Boy, for the pipes, the pipes are calling. We'll say a prayer for your speedy recovery.

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Monday, August 14, 2006

FrogMeat, Part 3: My Kingdom for a Lone Star

We want to be honest in our assessment of the TCU-Baylor match-up. I believe our principles may say something about this. If not, I am perhaps recalling my childhood and relying on the godless Czech Republic Scout Promise of my youth, “to serve the highest Truth and Love faithfully at all times”. With that in mind I will review the B’s most glaring football weakness.

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Alcohol at the B’s football games can only be consumed at the George's Party Zone Big "O" Tent (The Hot Box) or in some willing townies’ yard across from the stadium.

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Yes, I know we are there for the game, not the 100 degree temperatures or likely dehydration that ensues after drinking a pony keg before 11 am. But were you at UT-BU last season? Floyd Casey was burnt orange and by the 2nd quarter the Baylor Line was signing the Eyes of Texas. I would never advocate consuming excessive amounts of alcohol, but a fifth of whiskey would have really hit the spot. Yes, I know what you are thinking, the rules have never stopped anyone from drinking the entire game, but unfortunately, for me, the illegality ruins the oh so delicious taste of a warm beer in the afternoon. Grade D-.

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TCU on the other hand allows booze in their stadium parking lot. Sure they have unreasonable limitations, like no glass bottles, kegs or public intoxication, but you can toss back a few before watching the game. TCU understands the delicate balance between the need of Texans to imbibe tall boys and the negative publicity of an alcohol poisoning. Grade B.

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I give the intangible edge to Baylor. Most of the students have been hiding their excessive drinking from their families for years, so having to drink on the DL in a car or in the middle of the student section comes very naturally. Still, TCU has the edge in the match-up. This is a long standing problem for the B and not remedied soon. It’s that time of year when the townie is king. Advantage TCU.

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