Friday, December 15, 2006

Viva Angola! Ill-Advised Bets Lead to Angolan Takeover

[Pending ongoing litigation in the 170th District Court of McLennan County, this BearMeat post is brought to you by the Republic of Angola.]

Ahh . . . Now that I'm nice and rested after that brief hibernation during the three weeks of Winter that we just had here in Waco, I'm ready to recap.

1. B Football. This year's theme was: "As I Lay Dying." Talk about disappointing. The record three (3) Big12 wins were surprising and encouraging. Were it not for Shawn Bell's ACL injury, we very well might have been bowl bound. Sadly, his injury left us with yet another cursed season, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. The sheer potential for redemption this year had many a BearMeat editor gamble enormous amounts of BearMeat stock on our bowl chances. The failure to make even the lowliest of the low bowls now means that the new majority shareholder in our humble site is the Republic of Angola (Our new motto: "Angola Avante!").

How many Angolares did we lose on that bet?

In a last ditch effort to prevent this foreign investment in the Waco economy, the Editorial Board has been staying up nights attempting to organize a bowl game that pits the two worst teams in D1 Football against each other. The WacoWeDoBowl, sponsored in conjunction with the scandal-ridden Waco Chamber of Commerce, will feature our Bears versus the Duke Blue Devils. We are currently in negotiations with multiple Waco-area businesses to sponsor this affair: Mama & Papa B's BBQ, Graham Central Station, and Scruffy Murphy's. If you would like to sponsor or cater this event, please contact the BearMeat Editorial Board immediately. If we can host this bowl before January 1, 2007, we can stop the takeover by the Angolans. Call your Congressman immediately and help keep Angolan investment from reviving our community. If only Chet could speak!

Waco: We Do Absurd Bowl Matchups
to Avoid Angolan Control of Our Economy

Danny Boy Sepulveda's 2nd Ray Guy was in line with our predictions, but is sort of a sad comment on BU Pigskin - we have the best player in the NCAA at the position that you never want to have to use: The Punter. At least we can lay claim to possibly the greatest punter in NCAA history. Also, JoePaw showed us that we've got ourselves a linebacker that can play with the big boys and may have an NFL shot if things continue to develop. Farewell to all our Beloved Bears: CJ, Zeigler, Shelton, Shelton's Dad, Bell, Sepulveda, Arline, etc. We loved you all.

2. Lady Bears Hoops. Mulk & Co. are truly holding their own in the Top 10. My fellow Editors have been covering this rather well, but I just want to add that though we lost San Antonio Silver Star All-Star Sophia Young, we are still competing at our Mulk-tastic level. We need a theme for this season. The nicknames proposed by the Good Judge were right on track. Here are three proposals for this season's theme:

LadyBear Hoops: 50% Less Fat than OU's Frontcourt

LadyBears 2006-2007: Our Head Coach is a Methodist!

Lady Bears: Emily Niemann Must Die!

Niemann, BearMeat's Benedict Arnold,
Single-Handedly Ended Our Back-To-Back Title Bid

3. Gentleman Bears Hoops. With Tweety, the Slumlord, the Emu, SubZero, the Mayor, Thick Dick & Co., the Gentleman Bears have a shot at winning it all this year. Having personally witnessed the Bears give the mighty Gamecocks a scare at the Will Ferrell Center in front of a near-capacity crowd of 4,002 slightly disinterested "fans," I know what this team is capable of: FinalFour. So here are a few potential themes for this season:

ManBears: We Have a Cheap Foreign Labor Supply That Will Destroy Your Manufacturing Base

ManBears: We Represent Four Continents But Share One Faith - Three Pointers

ManBears: Our Angolan Overlords Run 12-Hour Practice Sessions Enforced by AK-47 Toting Mercenaries (Catchy, isn't it?)

BearMeat: We Support Our Troops!

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  • Seriously, I was kicked out of Ma and Pa's BBQ once, my roommate and I went there to get a sloppy sandwich (tm) and they just bagged it up and taped the bag shut, even though we were planning on sitting down and having a nice meal.

    By Anonymous Brandon Dean Price, at 12:39 PM  

  • A tear of joy runs down my pasty cheek. The President has returned!

    And c'mon, BDP, what did you expect? Weren't you kicked out of Vitek's for claiming that you are Steve Martin's illegitmate trangendered child?

    By Blogger Pat Neffistopheles, at 12:54 PM  

  • No, but I kicked Emily "choke myself on the milkshake machine" Nieman's ass in 1 on 1

    By Anonymous Brandon Dean Price, at 4:40 PM  

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