Wednesday, November 22, 2006

2006 Baylor Football Postseason Awards Banquet

Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Pat Neffistopheles' Fourth Annual Baylor Football Postseason Awards Banquet. As always, the buffet costs $2.99/lb, no children under 21 allowed and the bar is as wide open as our secondary. Hey-Ohhh!!!! I would like to thank the Baylor Regents for coming out. How about a round of mint juleps for these kind southern white men. Where would our fine republic be without you, Gents? That's rhetorical, C.J.

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Let's get started! Our first presenter is also presenting the award named after him. How awkward! Let's give a big warm welcome to a carefree man with a big heart and even bigger man-breasts...Bobby Jay Sloan!

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Evenin' folks. The winner of the fourth annual Bobby Jay Sloan Award for Ineptitude and Ignorance goes to...drumroll, please...Travis Farst, Chad Smith, Will Blaylock, Dan Gay and Jason Smith!! The offensive line! Way to go guys! Just like me, you were able to deceive people into believing that you could foster growth and nurture change with your knowledge and your mighty man-breasts. However, when times got tough and teams even tougher, you laid yourself down and cowered before stronger men. Fortunately for you, I have scholarships available at HBU. Hell, you guys already play like you're NAIA quality. Join the Huskies!...unless you're gay.

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"One of these days...POW! I'll hike it to da moon!"

Well, thank you Bobby for that quality Sloan charm. As a man...you suck. As a president...you make thousands suck. As a Christian...may you overcome your hypocrisy.

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You may not recognize our next presenter behind the Hannibal Lecter restraint mask, but let's give a hearty welcome back to Dave "The Animal" Bliss!

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Ouch! I haven't had such a cold reception like that since I took a dump sitting before the NCAA Infractions Committee. Anywho, the winner of the 2006 Harry Miller Award for Excellence in Violations goes to...Terrance Parks!! Terrance has gone over and beyond with his behaviour. I assume he tipped the cup back one too many times, grabbed a fat blunt and started waving his glocks in the air (the audience screams back) "like he just don't care!" Come on party people, the After Party will be at my place, still completely furnished with a full bar, glass piano, stripper poles and heaping mounds of cocaine. All funded by my mega Baylor Bucks. Tom Stanton is a god! Back to you Pat Meth!

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BearMeat Editorial Staff at a "Crazy" Dave Bliss party

Thanks, Davey! By the way, let's keep that nickname on the lowdown. Let me tell you folks, that man really knows how to throw down the party. Bliss-ful, John Lucas Tre' and his father were known as the Bear Trinity of Boozin'. Little known fact, you can't buy a hooker by sliding your Baylor I.D. up and down her ass crack.

Anyway, the show must go on! Our next and last presenter for the evening is "Commander" Cody Carlson!

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Thank you, the winner of the 2006 Grant Teaff MVP Award goes to....Daniel "Sepultura" Sepulveda! Daniel has won this award four years running! It's amazing! Women swoon, men weep, children whimper, dogs and cats become friends...this man, no, demigod controls the ebb and flow of the entire season for the Bears. Unfortunately, his years with us are over. May the grace of Guy give us a punter who is at least half the football player that you are. Enjoy your new Sunday job. You make the B and her fans proud!

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Thank you folks for coming out...to the show, not the closet, Sloaney!!! We'll see you all after the basketball season. Good night!

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BearMeat parties so hard, even our cat passes out.

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