Wednesday, September 06, 2006

You Gotta Know When to Hold Em, Know When to Fork Em

Found this in wikipedia:

"Fork 'em" is a hand gesture and slogan used by students at Northwestern State University in their celebration of sports teams. The gesture is performed by curling the ring and middle fingers under the thumb against the palm, and extending the pinky and index fingers – identical in fashion to the the University of Texas "Hook 'em Horns" gesture.

This might be the first and last thing that I will ever know about Northwestern State University. Wait, no, I guess I do remember NSU beating Iowa during March Madness earlier this year. BECAUSE I FRIGGIN' PICKED IOWA TO GO TO THE ELITE EIGHT!!! Yeah, I jumped on that corn-fed bandwagon and hitched a ride with the Hawkeyes to Shitty Bracket Boulevard. But I do not intend to digress away from the subject at hand: Vic the Demon, NSU's mascot.

I love Vic! That boy has some moxie! And doesn't that version of Vic sure look like Daniel Negreanu? Anyway, Chief Brave Spirit had it coming to him. That face screams "duck butter."

I guess my mind has been on mascots lately. At the TCU-BU game I saw no less than four Baylor mascots alone! First, we had "Bruiser." He made last years Capital One All-America Mascot Team and was actually up for mascot of the year last year. Baylor University General Releases describes that mascot all-american team as:

12 lovable, hard-working and oddly-proportioned characters deemed the best of the beasts.

Sounds more like the cast of Edward Penishands to me. The second mascot I saw is the hideous balloon-like Baylor Bear. Check out this freak...

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That's "Judge." As in Judge Robert Emmett Bledsoe Baylor. Remarkably, BearMeat's own Judge Baylor looks very similar. And that includes both having double-jointed knees. When these freaks sway back and forth like their legs are made of slinkies, I tend to slip into a Weeble induced trance, yearning for my childhood bathtub with He-Man's power punch action and the wrath he incurred on the poor, poor Weebles.

Lastly, the third and fourth mascots were definitely an interesting choice. As witnessed by my Posse; Jesus and the Devil were also on the sidelines rooting our Bears on. Now, I don't believe that this magnanimous duo are sanctioned Baylor mascots; however, they did appear to be representing the B with a first-half Jesus fist-pump and the Devil's Mixing-the-Cherry-Bowl celebration dance when Baylor scored their touchdown. The two could have also been part of the half-time festivities. Sadly, I wasn't around for the Golden Wave Marching Band. I hauled my ass off as fast as I could to Two Minnies once I heard TCU's marching band start off half-time with Quiet Riot's "Cum on Feel the Noize." Well done, Horned Frog Marching Band.

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Where does all this lead to with the NSU-BU match-up coming up? I'm not very sure. But I do know that if Vic the Demon tries to start some shit, then he will have to go through four mascots this time around. Let's look at this weekends match-ups.

Vic the Demon vs. Bruiser:

Advantage Vic by K.O. He has demonstrated that he can kick some mascot ass. Also, and unfortuantely, I think Bruiser is hooked on the sauce. Rumors are swirling that he has fallen into circles connected to the Fred and Wally's Townies.

Vic the Demon vs. "Judge":

Advantage Judge by T.K.O. Vic will tire out trying to punch and push Judge around. After four quarters you can count on Vic hugging the oxygen tanks while Judge still wobbles back and forth on both feet.

Vic the Demon vs. Jesus:

Advantage Jesus. Jesus was way cool.

Vic the Demon vs. the Devil:

Ooohhh, tough one. I gotta wimp out and call stalemate on this one. I would like to think they would rather sit down with tea and biscuits and pleasure each other with stories from the nether world. Or maybe just pleasure each other. Whatever's cool with me.

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Now ends this hopefully informative piece on Northwestern State University. Also: the school is located in Natchitoches, LA, the football team lost to Kansas 49-18 last week and Baylor should beat them handily with a stick. I'm sure BuffaloMeat said the same thing about Montana State. Don't f*ck it up Bears! Sic 'em.

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  • Not gonna lie. I expect some awesome Waterboy-style smack against the Demons...not to mention a kickass mascot fight. I'd still say advantage: Bruiser, but I guess those swamp wrasslin' skills really help out Vic.

    Christian School Jihad Part Deux? PA.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:11 PM  

  • Vic's love of spicy cooking and shrimps (just spelling it like they say it) will be his downfall. That or the Bear mauling he receives, not from our mascot, but from his hefty cousin - most likely for drinking the whole Falstaff 12-pack.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 3:04 PM  

  • If we start 0-2 I'm quitting life

    PS When are you all going to make it into the Lariat? Or at least

    By Anonymous Brandon Dean Price, at 4:04 PM  

  • BDP: We have contacted the Lariat, but they have not responded to our advances. Methinks a letter to the editor is in order. Also, what/who is this A NoZe alternative? Seems bizzare. We like their style.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 4:18 PM  

  • I don't want you to "advance" on the Lariat, I want you to crush them. I suggest copy and pasting all of these posts to that editor.

    Yes, I think was supposed to be the NoZe alternative, but no one would ever sign the guestbook, leaving mrgloopy to feel that he was the only one in the whole world who felt the need to satire The Rope With Which To Hang Oneself (TRWWTHO)

    By Anonymous Brandon Dean Price, at 5:14 PM  

  • Do not despair over the possibility of a 0-2 start to the season. The B will win this game. They will win because they have to win in order to give us hope and then crush us with a terrible defeat.

    By Blogger Judge Baylor, at 6:48 AM  

  • Hope is where the Bear Raid is. And that is why I am so worried. Too bad CJ's legs can't run as fast as his mouth because it still would have been 7-3 last week.

    By Blogger Pat Neffistopheles, at 8:44 AM  

  • I was there the last time CJ was burned that badly, in Norman... in the second overtime... However, they made him an incredible player in NCAA '07

    Hope springs eternal

    I guess

    By Anonymous Brandon Dean Price, at 9:23 AM  

  • Damn, I need that game. Eff Madden '07, Judge! You can't discipline NFL players for drinking with their pants down in town square. I need a recruit from Marlin tearing up the Big 12!

    Back to real life. Is the Floyd wi-fi?

    By Blogger Pat Neffistopheles, at 10:32 AM  

  • Pat,

    If you dawdle a moment longer in purchasing NCAA '07, I will refuse your weekly admittance to my baccarat game. And I hardly need to remind you that Cornelius "The Unlucky" will be there with his usual fist full of cash.

    By Blogger Judge Baylor, at 10:50 AM  

  • that's a chump! It's really a toss-up. I love the intricacies of NCAA, but I gotta have me some Chad Johnson Golden Grill. How about a little CJ/Chad Johnson match-up? I guess we gotta get Madden and NCAA to fulfill the dream.

    By Blogger Pat Neffistopheles, at 1:16 PM  

  • Pat,
    Yes, I believe there is a feature to send your college kids to the pros via the draft. CJ will be a star in the League, once he starts wearing his golden faceplate.

    By Blogger Judge Baylor, at 1:52 PM  

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