Saturday, September 23, 2006

We Support Our Troops: Baylor Takes One for America

While the Battle for Baghdad rages on, the Fightin' Bears thought it would be best to show their support of our troops by giving them inspiration to keep their resolve. Last week, the Agriculturalists gave the Black Knights false hope that they could beat the boys from College Station. This week, WacoU let the Armed Forces know that while the Tigres and Euphrates remain hostile ground, the Brazos is as good as home field advantage. Indeed, the Fertile Crescent, Cradle of Civilization that it is, has turned in to a post-apocalyptic nightmare. It is only fitting that the future officer corps can build their confidence and strength in this time of geopolitical despair by pounding a few meek Baptists on their home turf. "Welcome to Floyd Casey! What's that you say? No, I wasn't using my dignity, please take it back to West Point with you."

While BearMeat's patriotism is off the charts and we would never think to question a war that linked a secular, totalitarian Arab regime with an Islamist terrorist network, we will take liberty to question the pre-season intelligence on our offensive system. While the search for WMDs in Iraq moves valiantly onward, the search for second-half passing TDs has grinded to a depressing halt. Imposing a timetable on our troops in the Middle East might go against the better wisdom of the commanders on the ground, however imposing a timetable on Lee "Desperado" Hays and the whole AirBear project is of the utmost necessity. From this day forth, let our 1-TD/game "high-powered, run and shoot, Warren Moon-style offense" be forever known as CareBear. We will dispense of the AirBear moniker until we can manage two+ passing TDs a game versus Division 1-A opponents. Our defense cannot continue to win games for our high-scoring, yet red-zone allergic offense. Lord knows our special teams won't help. They couldn't even stop Waco High's punt return unit. I, Red Andrews, former president of Baylor University, call on all fans of the B to hereby refer to our impotent offensive system as CareBear until two passing touchdowns shall prove us wrong. Good day.

Sic 'Em.

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