Friday, September 08, 2006

Northwestern State FAQ

Dear Readers:

Due to the influx of email we here at BearMeat have received regarding this upcoming bout, we thought it would be helpful to clear a few misunderstandings with a Northwestern State FAQ.

Q: I've heard that, for a Big10 school, Northwestern has an excellent academic reputation. Is this correct?

A: No. The perennial doormat of the Big10, or the Windy City Baylor, has a decent reputation. Like all Big10 schools it is big on reputation, weak on substance. Until they develop an Institute for Faith and Learning, no one will take them seriously. [Also, Northwestern State, our opponent tomorrow, is an entirely different school located in Natchitoches, La, aka the Cajun Nacogdoches.]

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Q: For a Hitchcock film starring Cary Grant, North by Northwest didn't quite measure up. Why is that?

A: Most likely due to it's lack of the aesthetic complexity of Vertigo and Rear Window. Although, for pure entertainment, NXNW, is your best bet.

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Q: I'm usually afraid of flying, but Minnesota-based Northwest Airlines sure has that legendary Midwestern charm. Why don't they fly through Texas?

A: They do. However, by definition, Northwest Airlines, is a regional airline. They've truly cornered the market for Rust Belt to Seattle flights.

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Q: Kansas beat Northwestern State last week pretty bad. We play Kansas for Homecoming. Do you think that KU will think we "ate their leftovers" in regards to NW St? What if we lose, or worse, don't beat NW St as bad as KU did? Won't that be awkward?

A: Yes. If we don't soundly beat NW St, things will become very awkward for us at Homecoming. I imagine lots of "you got beat by a I-AA school" talk and challenges to our manhood. Good thing our mascot is fierce and deadly, unlike a damn Jayhawk, whatever that is.

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Q: I know that NW St are from Louisiana, not Chicago, that they are not an airline, or a movie, but their mascot is the Demon. I don't know about BearMeat, but I'm not sure if the Bears are prepared for spiritual warfare against Demonic powers. I've seen GuyMo's practices, and they don't have prayer meetings that last much longer than the Our Father. What should we do? Is a campus-wide student prayer vigil around the Floyd in order?

A: Yes. In addition to being Demonic, NW St is most likely trained in the arts of Voodoo. We are talking about Louisiana here. Be on the lookout for NW St fans pricking Sepulveda voodoo dolls; we just hope they don't mess with his ACL.

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Q: Now that we have the high-scoring, run-and-gun AirBear offense, can we expect the same high standard of point production from Sean Bell & Co. this week as we did last?

A: Tomorrow, we expect Sean Bell to throw for an unprecedented two (2) TDs. That would double the scoring effort of the TCU game and put us on track to give Bell a legitimate Heisman bid.

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