Wednesday, August 16, 2006

FrogMeat, Part 5: The Texas Horned Lizard (Phrynosoma Cornutum)

"The Horned Frog (actually a lizard) has been TCU's mascot longer than TCU has been the university's name."

Wow! Just wow! This is a real university, folks. Not DeVry, not Phoenix Online, nor the Art "Can You Draw this Turtle" Institute of ________ (your city of choice). But rather Texas Christian University. As a one-of-these-days-I'll-go-back potential student, I decided to peruse their admissions page in search for answers to important questions I had. First and foremost, I asked the esteemed SuperFrog - "What the hell is a horned frog?" In return, Mr. SuperFrog squelched out a couple of paragraphs with that lead-off homerun of a quote referenced above.

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The man, the myth, the (actually a freakin' lizard!!!) SuperFrog. As I see it, the fact that Barney was created and produced in Dallas is no coincidence. A purple, doe-eyed, golly-gee smiling, stubby armed reptile? Infringement! The Corporation for Public Broadcasting and "Viewers Like You" should sue the mortarboard off SuperFrog and cram it down his scaly throat while he shoots blood from the corner of his eyes. And, ewww, disgusting. Would you want your mascot to be famous for that? Personally, I'll take a nice bear mauling anyday over a three foot stream of bodily fluids. Although, I might be able to line up SuperFrog a posh job in Malibu if he can perform like that constantly.

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So let us assess the situation. Would you rather have an excellent sense of hearing and smell, non-retractable claws on broad paws, powerful and sexy limbs, shaggy and shit-free fur and a brief courtship period? Or spiney scales, rounded and bloated body, blunt snout, an all ant diet and an idiomatic personality disorder? Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A once quipped that bears are "...killing machines mobilized against..." TCU Horned Frogs. I tend to agree with the good doctor. Don't let the pesticides and Brazilian fire ants decimate your population on your way out, Mr. SuperFrog. Sic 'em Bears.


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1 Comments:

  • A lizard indeed! No amount of blood squirting will stop our Texas Black Bears from squashing one of those lizards with their might paws. Sic 'em? Sic 'em.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 11:43 AM  

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