Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Holla, FaceDarius!


Just making mad skrilla in the Holy Land. 1%er por vida!

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

The Brazos LulzBoat

At first we were like


Then they were like


But then we were like


And now they are like


Stupid, pudding head Agrics.


AgricMeat: The North Korea of College Football

NOTE: The below post was originally published on 10/25/06.

The Agriculturalists culture, despite being located in the second most populous state, surrounded by cities, universities, and cable, developed (I use the term loosely) seemingly in isolation deprived of the basic expectations of our modern world. This anomaly really has no parallel in American universities and can only be analogized to another aberration of the Post-Enlightenment Age, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

If an average citizen were stopped on the street and asked what comes to mind when I make this statement, "Militaristic, quick to anger, inferiority complex, incomprehensible to most of Western culture, self-aggrandizing and constantly threatening to develop offensive capabilities", there is a good chance, particularly if that person were a college football fan, they would answer the Agrics.

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Is this one parade or two?

The similarities are boundless and I will attempt to summarize the most obvious ones.

DPRK- Not a day goes by that the state-sponsored media isn't attempting to get the attention of the world by announcing they are developing, testing, or firing missiles or nuclear weapons. They believe, despite all evidence to the contrary, that they are a significant participant in the world community.
Agrics-Not a day goes by that Agric alumni, periodicals, and fans, aren't calling for the firing of their head coach. They do this to remind everyone that they expect to be a championship-caliber team, despite not winning it all since FDR's administration, and the current season is an exception to the rule. This is a 67 years and counting tradition.

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Agric's Hummel figurines.

DPRK-They claimed that they tested a nuclear weapon underground and although no one saw it, atmospheric tests seem to indicate a test happened.
Agrics-They are currently 7-1 against mostly mediocre teams that no one saw, but the omnipresent smell of College Station indicates someone did something.

DPRK-Their highest official is there because of his dad and is known for his hair.
Agrics-Their highest official is there because of the former governor and is known for his hair.

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One of these was played by a puppet, the other is a puppet.

DPRK-They are considered the backward, country bumpkins of the Korean Peninsula. South Korea has developed into a vibrant liberal democracy and economic power. Addtionally, South Korea recently hosted the Olympics and World Cup, while North Korea annually throws FamineFest.
Agrics-They are the slow-witted country cousins of the University of Texas. Texas dominates them academically and athletically, despite Agrics accusations of UT being liberal, effete, and French-speaking. Also, Austin plays host to such celebrated events as ACL and SXSW.

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Korean peasants and the Agric's Phi Beta Kappa Society meeting.

DPRK-Has historically eaten certain breeds of dogs.
Agrics-Has historically attempted to breed with dogs, chickens, etc.

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I spared you the collie vibrator.

DPRK-Kim Jong-il is often seen in military garb despite never serving in the military.
Agrics-Many students join the Corps to play and dress like soldiers, despite its membership carrying no military obligation.

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By coincidence both of them were Napoleon Dynamite last year.

DPRK-Political dissidents face a constant threat of torture.
Agrics-Students expressing unpopular views are summarily executed.

DPRK-Believes might makes right and does not believe in the rule of law.
Agrics-Believes might makes right and does not have a law school.

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Incentives for potty training Korean children and Agric freshmen.

DPRK-Willing to go to war over the 38th parallel.
Agrics-Willing to go to war over someone walking on field.

DPRK-Kim Jong-il is said to have collection of over 20,000 movies.
Agrics-Library contains over 20,000 installments of Beetle Bailey.

DPRK-Much to their chagrin fellow communist state Vietnam has joining the World Trade Organization and is beginning to develop economically.
Agrics-Texas Tech has supplanted the Agrics as the large, public (wishing they had a religious affiliation), university with a good football program.

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Success for some is failure for others.

The only question that remains is where does the B fit in? The B has accepted the basic tenets of Western Civilization. They can tend to provincialism and can, in their periodic embraces of fundamentalism, be too eager to adopt extremes like snake handling, prohibition, and virginity. They have a rich history, recently fell on hard times, but have begun to revive their once great civiliztion. Perhaps Japan, who has recently awoken from the economic doldrums of the past decade, would be apt. If I could pick anywhere in the world today,for some reason Nicaragua comes to mind. What's your choice? Remember there are no wrong anwsers.

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Poolside at the SLC.

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Tuesday, February 26, 2008


Oh Snapple!!! Red sent me this video a week ago via hallucinatory ghost waves (think Ghostbusters scene: Ray gets pants unzipped by ghost, almost orgasm, eventually and hopefully ghost-sex off camera) [cut] (My pants get unzipped by ghost of Red, playful touching, full completion of orgasm, the following video being delivered).

Thank you, Red.

This of course does not mean more posts, nor does it mean any future commitments. I'm not saying Coach Drew is bad coach, but he can't coach defense. He is the David Klingler of Coaches Vs. Cancer. He's the Scott Norwood of the Big 12.

Actual legitimate question here. Is Ryan Seacrest the son of Dobie Gillis?

Mulkey is in the fast lane right now. I'm ready to pull her red corvette over and administer a ticket. I'm a big bad DPS Trooper with my hot sweat dripping from the end of my bulbous nose. I want a piece of that hot Lady Bears action. Go to the freakin' games, man!

The Bizzaro Mulk?

So is she still committed to the B? Brittney Griner, that is. She's "Big In Japan" apparently.

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Saturday, February 23, 2008

Morning Rounds

I'm looking forward to FSN's Lady Bear coverage tomorrow. 11 am can be a difficult call time. I think the idea of abusing the Cyclones as well as the excuse to prepare my mimosa and waffle breakfast will be just the right motivation to get up early in the afternoon. I figure if I space out the simosa just right I can be good and buzzed by the 7pm FSN Gentlemen Bears game. My predictions for the games.

BU v. ISU - Mulkey slaps the official as the whistle is blown to start the game and then requests an audience with the pope. Pope apologizes to Mulk for the official's face getting into the way of her perfect form pimp slap. Mulk offers absolution for three Hail Marys. Pope excepts and mends his ways. Baylor 74 ISU 60

BU v. KSU - Michael Beasley forces Bruiser to lick his own ass. Bruiser discovers it ain't half bad. Crowd turns on Beasley. Beasley uses Lomer's head to rocket him to first 720 dunk. Crowd cheers. Baylor 71 KSU 80

Thursday, February 21, 2008

A Senior Moment

What happened to our favorite Aussie from Horsham? Really that's his hometown. I'm sure middle school kids delighted in yelling that as much as the BearMeat editorial board at our morning bull sessions. Although recently since I can't find Red and Pat, I just sit by myself and scream at our newest interns manically until they start crying and then I make them change my diapers. I'm tough but fair.
Whhhhoooreee-Shammmmm, Whhhoooreee-Shammmmmmmmmmmm. Most of you are probably too young to remember this, but I'm pretty sure Aaron Bruce was the freshman of the year in the Big 12 back in 2005. He was supposed to be the foundation of a brighter future for a wounded program.

Bruce has done some great things during his run at the B. I don't want to knock him too much, but his decision making in the last two games in critical moments has been atrocious. When he called the timeout against Texas I was beside myself with indignation. Just moments earlier in a drunken stupor I had noticed that Baylor was without a timeout. I assume the Emu was sober, as well as Scottie. The coach has to make sure his players are aware of the timeout situation in the last huddle. Either Scott pooped himself or Bruce forgot. Bruce is the only senior who plays significant minutes. He shouldn't make that mistake. I'll grant you Baylor still had a chance to win, but it didn't help matters and should have never happened.

I promise I'm trying.

Then Bruce decides that with Baylor up three against Oklahoma on the road he is going to desperately lunge at a three point shooter and allow them to get a four point play. Every week in the NBA and college ball the announcers remind the audience don't foul a three point shooter. Everyone knows this. If Oklahoma hits the three the game is still tied. Once again I concede Baylor had its chances, but what was Aaron thinking, "If we win this I might have play in late March instead of poontanging at South Padre."

Bruce in March from 2005-2007.

I don't blame Bruce solely. This really is a coaching failure. Teams take on the personality of their coach. Drew has a little too much, "Golly Gee Willakers we tried real hard and almost won. Darn, oh well, we'll get them next time." Have you ever listened to Drew explain a loss? Despite the fact that he should be an expert on the subject it is always these broad generalities about what went wrong. He always seems a little bewildered that they lost another game. "We looked slow, our defense wasn't doing a good job, I wasn't sure that developing a post game was legal". Compare that to Mulk. On the rare occasion she loses she goes over the exact problem. She explains the precise breakdown and you know she is already trying to figure out what to change for the next game and the the tournament. It's like she already broke down the tape, but she can do it immediately as she is leaving the court.

Of course she drives a Corvette.

Can Drew develop the ability to be a game day coach and turn our big men into something useful? He certainly couldn't when he got here and I don't believe he is now. I'd like to think of Drew's run at Baylor as the most generous and frustrating on the job training program since W's presidency. He does seem to be a solid recruiter. Maybe he can get the talent level up enough that they can overcome his shortcomings and learn enough along the way. I'm not sure that is possible, but maybe. I think how Baylor ends this season is a critical stretch in Drew's tenure. Will he get it done? If Baylor implodes and doesn't make it to the post-season I think we need to ask ourselves about our expectations. I hope Drew proves me wrong, but I'm not counting on it.

Now fadeaway behind the 3 point line.

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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I Know A Winner When I See One

Last Sunday as I sat in the Giant Golden Boobie watching Mulk's team destroy Trailer Mulk's team for the second time in recent weeks I couldn't help reflect on the quote across the back of the Gold-Out provided t-shirts.
I know a winner when I see one.
- Kim Mulkey.

I was in a reflective mood because I was attempting to avoid an inadvertent brown-out of my own making. The evening before I had consumed no less than a tub of IPA before, during and after the men's game. If it wasn't for the Taco Cabana restroom on the way to the Sunday afternoon game I do not believe I would have been able to consume the three servings of funnel cake I indulged in during the game.

One - What does Mulk honestly think of Scott Drew? I know she would never say it, but she has to look at him and think to herself, "You're lucky there are only 24 hours in a day because I'd do both our jobs for a bargain basement $2 million/year." Shouldn't we just let Mulkey be our AD as well. I mean we could do it just like one of these reality modeling shows. Have the various candidates for a coaching position walk back and forth a few times on the runway and Mulk would eyeball them, maybe ask a few questions for the camera and select a couple of finalists. It could be high drama, tears would be shed, the losers would exit and Mulk would tell them how they do and don't remind her of herself. Ultimately she will pick a winner. I think this could be accomplished in one day of filming and on a low budget. FSN would pick it up and maybe we could use the profits to pay the coaches salary. One thing is clear, Mulk needs more power.

At this point Victoria and Heidi need
Mulk more than she needs them.

Second - Where are all the students for women's games? The contrast last weekend couldn't be more stark. Drew's team brought in the second largest crowd, including the usual bear Pit Folks, in school history to watch a Top Ten Texas team beat the B for the 22nd time in a row. Do you hear that, "The 22nd time in a row". It has been ten, I repeat 10 years, since the Gentlemen beat Texas, in basketball. Basketball, not football, Basketball. Yes, I know it was on ESPN and yes I know we have our best record in a long time, but still come on. A perennial top ten Baylor team played a top ten Oklahoma team on a weekend afternoon in a game in which they were giving away free t-shirts to watch a battle for the Big 12 title and the crowd was 3,000 less than the gentlemen's game and student's were noticeably absent. This less than inspiring crowd number happened to be the largest crowd of the season for the women's team. Frankly it's embarrassing. I will say that the crowd that did show up was boisterous and caused as much a ruckus as can be expected for a group who started voting during Ike's presidency.

Me and some friends tailgating a Lady Bears game.

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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The President Bids Farewell to BearMeat

Dear Readers,

How I love the seventeen of you with all of my being. So, it is with a heavy heart and a belly full of Rebel Yell that I must speak honestly: The ghost you know as President Reddin "Red" Andrews is resigning from the BearMeat Editorial Board. I have been invited to play in that great Texas Hold 'Em Game in the sky with Abner McCall and Ann Richards, where the whiskey flows and the cigar smoke is thick. The blog afterlife beckons me home - from whence I came in July of 2006.

Resigning to "Spend more time with my family"

My principal editorial duties (fawning over Emily Ingram, worshipping Mulk, praising Brock, mocking Drew, and lamenting Kevin Steele) will be shared between The Good Judge (who promises to return from his three-month hibernation within the next three months) and the Guvn'r (whose enthusiasm as of late portends great things for the future of these here BearMeats). I will miss all of the fellow bloggers I met along the way who have helped us become the go-to blog for Baylor sports satire. I want to thank all of our Oso Amigos and BearBackers for their support and encouragement through the last year and a half.

Sloan, GuyMo & Red: The 3 Amigos of Houston Baptist U

I realize that now that GuyMo is gone, the albatross has been taken from our necks and we have a clean slate to work with. I also realize that the Gentleman Bears just won the Paradise Jam Crown in the Virgin Islands with victories over Notre Dame and Winthrop. These are optimistic times to be a Baylor fan. However, I am a writer who needs a certain level of melancholy and pathos in order to be inspired. These events have proved too much for my frail constitution. Some times an old cowboy just has to hang up his spurs.

Paradise Jam Champions?!?! A New Era Dawns . . .

Seriously, thank you all for reading and commenting on my posts and I will be with this blog in spirit, ala Obi Wan Kenobi, as it continues to stagger into the future with a heart full of hope and a belly full of hallucinogens.

Sic 'em, Bears!


Red Andrews
Senior Editor, BearMeat